THE RED TOPS NEWS - ELECTION WEEK 3

The Final Round of

‘Britain’s New Game Show Host’

(The Search for the new Bruce Forsyth)

The race to be the winner of TV’s latest talent contest ‘Britain’s New Game Show Host (The search for the new Bruce Forsyth) took place last Thursday as the competitors were now down to the last three.
And contestant Nick Clegg seems to be the TV audiences favourite at the moment.

In early voting Nick was well ahead has his sincere looks, amusing anecdotes, and empathy with contestants seemed to go down well with the tv viewers. In second place was Dave, who has a similar rapport with the studio audience and gave people in their homes that feeling that the generation game would be in safe hands. Lagging behind was Gordon, who appeared stilted and dull.

The Red Top had a panel made up of members of the public watching the show. They gave some views of the performances by the contestants.

Sharon (46 – Ferret Breeder): ‘That Nick was lovely, the way he looked into the camera just made me weak at the knees. I would love to play my cards right with him.’

Peter (35 – Accountant for Novelty vegetable importer ) ‘I can see that Nick bloke hosting the Generation game. And Dave was good but he was rather posh and saw him more as a host of University Challenge.’

Mandy (66 – Retired custard tester) ‘Nick was great the way he worked the audience and he looked lovely. Dave was good I could see him hosting ‘Who wants to be a millionaire, like me’ quiz show.

John (25 – Unemployed Cat home Mortgage seller) ‘Nick impressed me with his authority and empathy; he would be a great host. Dave seemed a little bit to serious at times, maybe a host for Countdown? That Gordon bloke, blimey he was a bit severer, can’t see him handing out cuddly toys to contestants, maybe the host of the weakest link would be his thing.


Dunkirk rescue: Operation Jumbo Dynamo is under way.

TOURISTS SCRAMBLE TO THE BOATS

First Lord of the Admiralty Peter Mandelson has called for the Royal Navy and the ‘little ships’ of England to sail from the ports of the South Coast to rescue the BETF (British Expeditionary Tourist Force) that has found it’s self trapped on the beaches of Dunkirk, Calais and well every beach in Europe.

The First Lord of the Admiralty said ‘Our brave tourists, school trips and business men are trapped on the continent of Europe. It is time for all English citizens with small boats to come forward and help with the rescue. The Ark Royal has set sail already. God speed and God save the Queen.

Ash Cloud Created by Icelandic banks burning documents.

The Red Top environmental correspondent has discovered that the vast cloud of ash coming from Iceland is not volcanic ash. It is in fact a vast cloud of smoke generated by all the Icelandic banks burning their paper work, in a desperate attempt to destroy the evidence of their terrible financial position.

One worker for the banks who didn’t want to be identified said ‘It’s not just paper we are burning, computer disks, backup tapes; anything with data on is going up in smoke.’

Our correspondent also discovered that the other benefit of this approach is that none of the regulatory bodies in Europe can fly to Iceland to stop this mass burning of evidence.

65% of the TV audience for the leader’s debate want

Karen from the BBC comedy Outnumbered to be PM

In opinion polls taken after the first leadership debate on TV, the surprise result was that Karen from BBC comedy Outnumbered came top. It was also a surprise that 60% of the TV audience hadn’t realised they were watching the wrong channel.

One viewer who made the mistake said 'Well we tuned into BBC1 as they are usually the channel that covers all the heavy weight TV stuff. I mean on ITV it’s usually celebrity something or other with Ant and Dec hosting.
Anyway there I was watching three people squabbling and shouting at each other, calling each other names. So I naturally thought I had tuned into the leaders debate. And out of the three Karen seemed the most coherent and what she said made sense to me'.

Attacks on Karen from the other party’s are expected this week. The Daily Mail has already published 20 things you didn’t know about Karen, highlighting her lack of political experience and her views on Muslims and Simon Cowell

POLITICS: MANIFESTO HIGHLIGHTS

First pictures of Tory's Citizen Youth Service released.

The Conservative party have formed their first unit of the Citizen Youth Service to demonstrate how it would work if they are elected.

Their slogan ‘Das Volk’ is shouted out as they march to their summer camp to carry out physical activity, helping the Fatherland and receive lectures on the undeserving poor and sub humans.

New Tory campaign poster aimed at the Youth Vote

 

LABOUR PARTY MANIFESTO POSTERS:

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS MANIFESTO

Satanic Faith Schools to open using Tory Education plans.

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Satanists have announced that they are to open a large number of satanic faith schools across the country. Their plans are dependent on the Tories getting elected and implementing their school policies.

The head priestess of the Satanic faith Lucy Fur said
'We believe we are onto a winner with these faith schools. Not only will we offer great education, which will result in the children getting good exam results, as long as they sell their soul to the Devil.


We also think parents will find the entry requirements far more interesting. If you want to place your child into a Christian school, you have to spend long boring hours sitting in Church listening to the priest droning on. Or you have to take your child to Sunday school.

For our schools you do need to attend our ceremonies, but the basic one you need to attend involves a Friday night in the woods, drinking wine and running around naked, in honour of our Dark Lord. Or you can come to our Saturday night drink and drug fuelled sexual orgies as we cavort on a huge pentagram carved into our temple floor.’

ICELAND DECLARES WAR

RED TOP NEWS FLASH

ICELAND DECLARES WAR ON UK

In the early hours of the morning Iceland launched an attack on the UK, which has resulted in the complete closer of UK airspace. The Prime minister spoke to the nation.

‘Today April 15th, 2010 a date which will live in infamy the United Kingdom was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the volcanic forces of the Icelandic Empire. The UK was at the moment at peace with that nation and was in conversation with its government about the repayments of money owned to us by the Icelandic banks’

The Red Top correspondent believes that this attack was in retaliation for Gordon Brown using the anti-terrorism laws to freeze Icelandic banking assets in the UK, during the 2008 world economic crisis. Negotiations between the two countries about repayments of the money are ongoing. Obviously Iceland in a desperate attempt to avoid repayment has declared war.

Our defence correspondent believes the attack was planned by Icelandic Admiral Bjork. Who sang to the Icelandic god of fire, ‘Frozen cheesecake £3.99’. Which then unleashed the ash attack onto the United Kingdom

Admiral Bjork’s plan seems to be to gain total air superiority over the United Kingdom and then drop deadly ash over the UK which will cause nasty smudging on people’s cars, which they had only just finished cleaning at the weekend.

 
  The Red Top will keep you updated during these dark days. We will be unbowed by the Icelandic Empire.

God Save the Queen.

ELECTION SPECIAL 2010

ELECTION SPECIAL

ELECTION CALLED FOR MAY 6TH

NATION GRIPPED BY EXCITEMENT

The Red Top will bring you all the debates, breaking news and scandal in the up coming election. With our correspondents all around the country bringing you the views of the electorate on the crucial issues of the campaign.

Your Red Top Guide to the political parties.

The Management Consultants Party

Aspirational is their key election idea. Previously Management consultants have been brought in to improve the Civil Service and other publicly run institutions. Now they have decided why spend all that time wining and dining ministers to try and win contracts. When they can just take over and run it themselves. Their Election campaign slogan, ‘Less Pigs means a smaller trough’

The Public Relations Party

Aspirational is their key election idea. Public relations companies have spent years coming up with spin for companies and political parties. So now they have decided to stand as a party themselves. They believe that with their vast experience of Spin an election victory will be easy. Said their leader, ‘Look how we got the nation in frenzy about a footballer and his affair’. We will feed all the media outlets with easy to use material for Radio, TV, magazines and the internet. Then sit back as they just pump it out, as its simple and cheap. Everyone will be talking about us and no one else will be mentioned.’

The Conservative Party.


Aspirational is their key election idea. Other polices include giving married people and extra 3 pound a week to be able to buy cheap wine to drown their sorrows. Make £6bn of efficiency savings in government by reducing the number of paper clips issued to civil servants, renegotiating the coffee vending machine contract for all civil service offices.

Stopping the rise on National Insurance as it’s a tax on companies’ profits…sorry jobs.

Allow anyone to open schools, so expect Mc Schools in every neighbourhood. The education might be crap but the schools meals are great.

Even closer ties with the far right in Europe. That way it will make the party look quite moderate when standing next to some of the east european parties.

Crack down on incapacity benefit. Each claimant will have to undergo a new test. They will be chased 50m by a pack of fox hounds. If they make the 50m they will survive and loose their benefits as they can cover 50m. If they don’t make it they will be savaged to death by the foxhounds and so off the benefit list. It’s win win.

The Labour Party


Aspirational is their key election idea. They promise to make efficiency savings in government by reducing the number of posit notes issued to civil servants, renegotiating the snacks vending machine contract for all civil service offices.

Toddlers tax credit. Yes if you send your child to make clothes in a back street sweat shop or get them to clean chimneys they will get tax credits link to their earnings.

They will introduce a new Bank tax, it won’t raise any money directly but the income tax raised by all the new accountants and lawyers employed to try and avoid the new bank tax, should raise a few quid.

The Liberal Democratic Party


Aspirational is their key election idea. Vince Cable to walk on the Thames and then enter the Treasury where he shall lay hands on the sick economy and it will rise again. He will go around the country, and will take a Fiver and two pound coins and divided it up amongst 5000 people and it will be good. The Fiver and 2 pound coins will become £1200.34 for each person and the people will prosper.


A new voting system where every votes count, using the first past the alternative proportionality post system.

Stop the nasty banks and businesses exploiting people in the Underdeveloped world or as they call it, that gap year country the kids went to. While still be able to buy those wonderful imported products at reasonable prices.


Other Parties Manifestos


The Scottish Nationalist Party.
‘FOR FREEDOM’

Green party
“Our policies will raise the cost of living in the short term, to save the planet in the long term. Wait wait come back there’s more.”

Plaid Cymru
Will demand the £300 million which it claims leaves Wales to go into the UK economy. Obviously they have no idea that Tom Jones song royalty fees don’t actually count as income for Wales, and the coal was cash on delivery. Thank you very much.

UKIP
Want to leave the European Union, while enjoying free trade with EU Nations. Which of course the nations of Europe will gladly agree to. As we sit on top of the white cliffs of Dover, in our Union Jack deck chairs wearing our union jack t-shirt while jeering at Europe across the channel.

Communist Party
‘What the collapse of the capitalist banking system? We told you so.’

Guide to the Leaders wives
One of the major issues of the election campaign, is the character of the leaders wife. We at the Red Top give you the indepth important details.
 
 

Samantha Cameron. English Rose, blue blooded, stylish clothing, but still affordable for the ‘ordinary people’, she’s lovely. God bless you maam.


Fragrance rating 10/10

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sarah Brown. Thinks Gordon Brown is a hero, ran a Public relations company. She is the most popular person on Twitter in the UK with over a million followers. Frumpy dress sense

Fragrance rating 5/10
 
 
 
 
 
 

Miriam González Durántez . A lawyer, from Spain, not even a British citizen grrr Red Top explodes!!! Send her home like the armada.
 
Fragrance rating 0/10
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Red Top Opinion Poll : How will you Vote ?


Here are the results of the first of many opinion polls that the Red Top will comission.

20% With a pencil at the ballot box

9% DUNK at the Dunk or Not at McVities biscuit website

5% NOT Dunk at the Dunk or Not at McVities biscuit website

12% Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ

8% To bring back David Tennanet as Dr Who

3% Reinstate John Terry as England Captain

13% Don't really give a toss.

30% What election ?

Members of the public make spoofs out of Parties Election Posters
As we have seen recently with election posters, no sooner have the parties come up with a campaign poster, than the internet is full of spoofs by members of the public. Here are some sent into the Red Top. I am sure you will agree they all make us chuckle and keep our minds of the dull election campaign so far.

 

GET INVOLVED in Future Election Specials

The Red Top will be conducting interviews with all the major party leaders. So please send in the questions you want asked. And remember this election is all about you, the little people. And we will publish the results in later editions.


Also send in your ideas for what you think a government should do when elected in 2010 (Editor. Please though no more ideas on the lines of 'Send the immigrants home' and 'Imprison pikeys and chavs.' thank you)

Meanwhile in a political party budget discussion.

Red Top Budget Special 2010

BUDGET SPECIAL 2010

Chancellor announces sale

of last Government owned assets

Budget 2010 Key Points

First time buyers will pay no stamp duty on properties under £250,000. “The entire economy has been built on debt with house prices seen as some indicator of economic prosperity. But it only works if we can drag more people into the housing market. The banks are not giving money to first time buyers so we are desperately trying something else.” announced the Chancellor.

Bank Lending
Chancellor has agreed with Royal Bank of Scotland and Lloyds - both state-subsidised - that they will lend some £94bn - at least half to small and medium-sized firms. “These banks picked winners last time I am sure they will do it again….err no wait” said the chancellor.

Transport£100M in the budget for repairing potholes. “If only repairing the big hole in the government finances was so cheap” Said the chancellor

Efficiency Savings
Chancellor announced the relocating of 15,000 civil service jobs from London to Poland, China and India. “Well if it’s good enough for the private sector it’s good enough for us.” Said the Chancellor

Benefits & tax credits
Government will look into scrapping compulsory retirement, as quite frankly private pensions and state pensions are not going to cover the cost of living so we need people to work until they drop.
For families, those with one or two year olds will get an extra £4 a week in child credits, regardless of whether the recipients are single parents, cohabiting, married or the alcoholic who has kidnapped a child. So the child can be used for the extra cash so the drunk can pay the extra 10% duty on cider.

ISA limit will be raised from £7,200 to £10,200. “It does not matter as people don’t have money to save anyway.”

Borrowing & Growth
Government borrowing was revised downwards. The Chancellor said “We had predicated borrowing of a bloody massive number to big to comprehend. Now we have revised it down to a bloody massive number still to big to comprehend.”


Downgrades growth forecast to a level which they think they can get away while still making the budget figures work.

The City says they will keep a close eye on the Chancellor’s figures.

Bankers and credit rating agencies have said they will study closely the chancellor’s figures to see if he is being financially responsible. The Red Top says ‘Perhaps if the banks and credit agencies had taken a close look at their own figures we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!'

BBC announces new budget cuts.

Management at the BBC have announced a new round of cuts in its budget due to the ongoing economic uncertainties.

1) Eastenders to be moved to Poland and to be called West Warszawa’s. It will be cheaper to produce in Poland. Also even with no changes it will be a more realistic representation of Warsaw than it ever was of the Eastend.

2) Top Gear to be reduced to just one presenter, Jeremy Clarkson. Head of Programming said ‘We only really need one petrol head to talk bollocks about cars, the environment and the ‘Nanny state’

3) News 24 will now be reduced to 5 min bulletin at the top of the hour with another 10 mins of weather, as that’s what most people seem to talk about. The other 45 mins will be of webcams positioned around the world trouble spots. The camera images will constantly change from location to location until something happens.

4) Match of the day will still cover Premiership football. However the panel of old football players will be replaced with 4 random football fans dragged from the pubs after the games. Said the head of sport ‘We think these 4 drunken fans will be giving a much more interesting insight into the game than some ex player droning on. We might even get a bit of a fight if the debate gets heated.”


5) BBC London studios to be shutdown, and new ones built in Scunthorpe. The move will also allow the BBC to produce 400 hrs of TV showing building programs and interior design programs about the new studios and offices. Also reality TV show as we follow some of the top presenters and news readers moving from the Home counties to the North East. ‘It will be comedy gold’ said the head of the BBC.

Other News

British Airways refuses Beer and Sandwiches talks with Unions at Number 10

BA management have refused negotiations at Number Ten Downing Street with the unions. These negotiations often referred to as ‘Beer and sandwiches’ talks from the 1970’s era of industrial disputes. Have been turned down by management because as Willie Walsh head of BA said ‘They are bloody cabin crew, they will have an unfair advantage as they serve Beer and sandwiches all the time.”

The Red Top travel correspondent was at Heathrow to ask passengers what they thought of the strike.

One traveller said. ‘It’s a disgrace, these union workers calling a strike have ruined my travel plans. I have spent 4 years saving up for this holiday. Well it would have been 3 but we had a pay freeze at work, and I could possible have saved in 2 but all our paid overtime was removed. Actually it would have been one year of saving but our company changed the pension plan and I have to pay in twice as much of my salary into that as well. Curse those unions for trying to stop a race to the bottom for workers rights.


Red Top Opinion Poll

The Red Top conducted an opinion poll on the crucial question facing the country today.

‘What would you do if you found your partner in bed with the captain of your favourite team?’

4% Would grab a kitchen knife and chase the Captain out of the house

38% Would grab their autograph book and a camera, to get a photo to show their friends that the captain had been in their house.

28% Would take a photo on their mobile of the Captain with their partner and then phone the press to try and make some money out of the story.

26% Would make the Captain a cup of tea and have a chat in the living room about how the season was going

4% Would grab a kitchen knife and chase the Captain from the house shouting ‘You idiot we have an important game tomorrow”

ISREAL says "Yeah Yeah USA. We won’t stop building settlements; you need us to blow the shit out of Iran.”

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has said that Israel will not stop building housing in East Jerusalem. He told reporters that the USA had kicked up a fuss but then remembered that they needed Israel to quote ‘Blow the shit out of Iran’s nuclear program’ as the US public would not accept its own forces doing it. He went on to say. “We are like the slightly arrogant friend who is an embarrassment at dinner parties, but useful if you get caught in any trouble in a night club on a Friday night.’



The Mayan 2012 Prophecy of Doom. Priest may have manipulated data says archaeologists.

In news that stunned the world of err End of World thought. Archaeologists have discovered stone tablets that seem to prove that Mayan Priest manipulated data to prove that the world would end in 2012. An archaeologist said ‘For New Age people there are a strong belief that some cataclysmic event will occur in 2012 based on the completion of the 5,125 year Maya long count calendar.

However we discovered information that showed Priests may have manipulated data. One stone tablet message from High Priest of the Mayan said ‘I have just completed the trick of adding in days to future years. So our end of world predictions happens thousands of years away. That way we don’t have to worry about being proved wrong.” This I think is damming evidence against the prophecy.


M15 and Special Branch swoop and arrest all blondes in UK

After two white blonde females in the USA were linked to Al-Qaeda. M15’s new £360 million pound terrorist profiling computer has produced data which resulted in all blondes under the age of 40 in the UK being arrested on suspicion of being terrorists. A member of special branch said ‘Well we sprang into action as the profiling computers sprayed out names. We have been busy arresting blondes outside night clubs, tanning salons, hairdressers and clothes shops. This gives a whole new meaning to Blonde bombshell’

There have been reports of Black haired, Brunettes and Red headed females celebrating in the streets with  champagne. One Brunette with a bottle of Bollinger in her hand said. ‘Ha ha, who said blondes always have the most fun. Bet they look great in orange jump suits.”
Super drug has announced a massive increase in sales of hair dye.
(Ed. We would like to thank the photo editor who spend many hours last night researching the blonde photo)

West Country News

West Country population unhappy about immigration, according to opinion poll.

In an opinion poll conducted by West Country News 85% of the population of the South West say there are to many immigrants in the area.

Interviewed by West Country news one member of the public said “These immigrants come here with their strange ways, funny food and strange accents. They don’t fit into our culture, they should go back to the West Midlands, Hampshire, Surrey or where ever. Bloody foreigners’.

The owner of a traditional tea shop in Culm Town said. “These immigrants come in my teashop demanding their strange drinks and foods. One came in yesterday and asked for a Cuppachino and a Pannannie or something. I told them they are getting tea or coffee and a sandwich and be happy with it, or go back to where they came from. I mean we try to cater for different tastes. We offer Earl grey tea and brown as well as white bread for the sandwiches.”

Witherton gets new Bus route

Local councillors in Witherton, Somerset have announced that after a trail period, the Witherton to Big City bus service will become a permanent route. One local standing at the bus stop told the West Country News what they thought about it. “It be great news, Witherton is a small town and the Big City offers things like, clothes shops, that frothy coffee stuff and McDonalds.”

The bus company has said that the bus will leave Witherton at 8:00 am on Monday and Friday. When asked about the times of the return journey from the Big City to Witherton the bus company spokesman said. “There is no return service, during the trail period no one ever wanted to come back to Witherton”

Sport: Football

In the Dave’s Farm Machinery South West Football League Division 3 fixtures at the weekend. The big clash was the local derby between Butterly Utterly and Culm Town Badgers.

The game was evenly poised at 1-1 with 10 minutes to go when a controversial, comical incident happened. Badgers striker Terry Johnson hit a shot just outside the penalty area when suddenly a sheep, later identified as Flossy, ran onto the pitch. The Butterly goalkeeper had the shot covered but the ball struck the sheep on the head and was diverted into the net as the Butterly Utterly goal keeper was left stranded. The referee allowed the goal to stand and the Badgers won the game.

Butterly have made an official complaint to the Dave’s Farm Machinery South West League association.
The local farmer Mr Giles who owned the sheep said. “It’s all very odd, I have never heard of a sheep interested in football before. It’s a well know rural fact that sheep don’t like football.


STRIKERS SECRET SHEEP AFFAIR EXPOSED.

Star striker of Culm Town Badgers Terry Johnson has admitted being unfaithful to his wife, having had an eight month affair with Flossy the sheep. The Badgers striker had tried to keep the story out of the papers by giving the editor of the West Country news £100 in a paper bag. However the editor said he ran the story a few days later as the rumours were all over West Country social networking sites. Felt tip pen comments on Pub toilet walls and carved into bus stops windows.

Said the West Country news editor “You can’t ignore comments that were made on these sites; things like ‘Striker shags sheep’ were all over the place.

In a statement Terry Johnson said “I would like to apologies to by wife for my adulterous affair with Flossy the sheep. I hope the press will give us the time and space to sort out our marriage.”
Terry John has been told he will no longer be the face of “Champflower real Devon Cider” and he will have to buy his own football boots as Francis Sport and Fishing Tackle shop of Culm Town withdraws it’s sponsorship. Mr Francis said "It's not the sort of thing we want to be associated with. If it had been a Carp or Rainbow Trout I could maybe have understood the madness of it all.

Steve Margarine the manager of Butterly Utterly said “It all makes sense now, why flossy appeared on the pitch and ran towards Sheep sh…I mean Mr Johnson. We will demand a rematch.
Farmer Giles the owner of Flossy said “I am shocked by this scandal. I am president of the County fair and Terry Johnson was meant to be opening it this year. However I will refuse to shake his hand.

SPOT THE COW COMPETITION

This week’s competition a field in Gloucestershire. Spot the cow and win £30 worth of vouchers for Mr Smith’s animal feed shop.

Business news

Merger of North Somer Farm and South Somer Farm in Cornwall announced.
Farmer Francis Somer, of South Somer farm has announced the merger of his farm with North Somer Farm. The merger has come about as Francis Somer marries his first cousin, Rosie Somer. Francis Somer said “This is great news the merger will give us great economies of scale. For one thing I can sale the spare tractor.”
He continued “For years the Somers married Somers to keep the farm together. Then some 30 years ago the authorities said there were problems with our marriage arrangements. So it had to stop. We didn’t see what the problem was, true all the females in the family had 6 fingers on their left hand, and all the males would go mental during a harvest moon. But then we were not as bad as the Maulder family farm, they provided the local village idiot from 1930 to 1962. Anyway seems Rosie's mum marrying that bloke from a Town 20 miles away in the 70's has sorted everything out."

Farmer Brown looks forward to this summer’s Tractor Fest.

Farmer Brown has told the West Country News how he and the other west country farmers are looking forward to the annual summer Tractor Fest. This annual event is where farmers exhibit their farm machinery to the visiting tourists by driving up and down the A roads of the West Country very slowly.

Said Farmer Brown “The tourist love the close up view of West Country farm equipment, it gives them the authentic feel of the farming life. As I drive down the road at 15mph, I never tire of the tourist beeping their horns, flashing their lights and giving a big wave with their hands as they over take. They always seem to be shouting their appreciation but the tractor engine is so loud I can never really work out what they are saying. Think it usually begins with a W”



News in Short

Police make drugs raid on Pub.

Police yesterday raided the Fox and Hunt Saboteur pub in Axeter, seizing 60 kg of Cocaine. However it later turned out to be dental powder.

Riots in Trumpeter-St Mary, Cornwall

Local youths from Trumpeter-St Mary and near by village of Budlentford, clashed on Friday night in the Village centre. Riot police with tear gas and riot shields had to be called in. It appears that the fight broke out because ‘Bus Shelter’ Mary from Budlentford had been seen with a bloke from Trumpeter. Mary was quoted as saying that she had been out with all the boys in Budlentford and was bored.

Armed Police raid drug selling pub.

At the weekend armed police raided the Old Stoat pub in Crudington on suspicion of selling drugs. A police office said “Along with your pint of Otter Bile Cider and pork scratchings, you could also get a little packet of drugs, hung up like a packet of peanuts.”

Man beaten up for ordering Orange juice in Public House

In Cinderdean in Gloucestershire a stranger came into the Old Tree Choppers pub and ordered an orange juice. A few minutes later police had to be called as locals beat him to a pulp. A local afterwards said “We waited to see if asked for vodka to be added, but he didn’t. We don’t like weirdo sorts around here so we beat him up.”
Local bobby PC Davy Clyst said “We take this sort of crime very seriously, people ordering soft drinks in a pub is criminal. I mean I even turn a blind eye to drunk drivers at the weekend.”

Red Top News 10

New claims of bullying by Gordon Brown made by Mrs U.K. Economy.

With allegations of the Prime Minister Gordon Brown bullying Downing Street staff continuing. The Red Top has received similar complaints from a Mrs U.K. Economy, of bullying by Gordon Brown while he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. Mrs Economy told us that while Mr Brown was her boss, he would shout and scream at her to be prudent with her money. However he would then change his mind a few days later and tell her to ‘Buy herself something nice’ with a credit card. He would then throw a tantrum at her a few weeks later when the credit card bill came in. Mrs Economy said that the strain of the mood swings of Gordon Brown became too great for her. She said ‘In the end I fell into a fit of depression. They say it was just a recession but trust me it’s a depression.”

Gordon Brown was giving a speech at a conference. At which the Red Top tried to get a response about the allegations. After our journalist put the complaint to him he replied by shouting. “I will tell you this boy! Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin the need to smash your wee face in. Tell yae wan thing - see all this shoutin? It does not half give yae a helluva thirst.”
Mr Brown then left the conference centre holding a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine.

Entertainment news

Lady Gaga’s mum finally gives up saying.
“Your not going out dressed like that”

It was reported from New York that the mother of Pop Star Lady Gaga has finally given up trying to stop her daughter wearing outlandish clothes when going out.
Lady Gaga mother said “It was a constant battle, each time she was about to go out, I would tell her that no daughter of mine was going out dressed like that. She just saw it has a challenge and wore more revealing more outlandish clothes. So now I have finally caved in and said "I don’t care what she wears.”

It has been reported that Lady Gaga is happy that she has won this latest mother daughter tussle. She is now reported to be giving up music altogether and become and account. She was last seen wearing a pinstriped suit.

WINTER OLYMPICS NEWS

Great Britain wins Gold in Down Hill Tea Tray Sledging.

Great Britain was cheering as we won our first solo gold at a winter Olympics in 30 years. Amy Williams won gold in the down hill Tea Tray sledging competition, beating off stiff competition from the Germans. However there was an official complaint by the Canadians about the unfair advantage that Great Britain had.

A spokesmen for the Canadian team said “Great Britain is the biggest tea drinking nation in the world, which means at a very early age children are handling tea trays. We believe this is an unfair advantage and they should be banned from this event’ Amy can now look forward to being the official face of PG Tips.


Noel Edmonds to host new Saturday night show called.
You’ve been Mossad !

Noel Edmonds is to be the host of a new Saturday night TV program, where members of the public write in wanting local trouble makers in their area taken out. Noel will setup the hit with Mossad agents, with it all caught on hidden cameras.

Noel will start each show with a heart rending tell of how the ‘target’ has caused misery to local people, and then we will see the hit. Then Noel will interview the local populace afterwards live. There will also be a quiz show element as well. As each week two of the disguised members of the Mossad team will actually be celebrities. The TV audience will be invited to call in and ‘Guess the Hit team’, with cash prizes available.

Politics.

Tory’s say ‘Will will decimal point our way out of recession’

The Tory party has revealed how it going to sort out the UK economy in a speech by George Osborne. Mr Osborne said that after they had made gaffs by saying 50% of teenage girls became pregnant when it was actually 5% after a missed placed decimal point in a report. They had then come up with the idea of changing decimal points in all reports. So for example Unemployment would be reduced from 2500000 to 25000.00
Growth would rise from 0.1% to 10% etc.

Mr Osborne said ‘What might have looked like incompetence when dealing with figures, will actually be our strength. People with long memories will remember how good we were with manipulating unemployment figures in the 80’s and 90’s. This is not about real statistics, but aspirational ones.

Defence News
 
US Joint Chiefs of Staff do not want Homosexuals in the forces because of the fear of the enemy using Gaydar.

Yesterday in Washington DC the US Joint Chiefs of Staff attended a Congressional hearing. They put their case that they did not wish for homosexuals to be open about their sexuality in the armed forces. Due to a fear that the enemy would use Gaydar to detect them while on operations.

The head of the Air force said ‘Senators we have the latest Stealth Fighter the F-22 Raptor which cost $142M each. It is undetected able by any of our enemies’ radar systems. However we strongly believe that if the pilot is homosexual, than he will  light up like a Christmas tree on our enemies Gaydar systems. We believe the, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ system is the only effective stealth technology against the Gaydar systems at the moment.

Afterwards the Red Top Defence correspondent asked the head of the US Airforce.
‘Do you actually know what Gaydar means?” To which he responded. ‘No one really knows the capabilities of these systems; however we have our best people working on ways to counter them.

Red Top 2010B

Toyota Recalls British Economy due to accelerator problem


Last night Toyota issued a recall for the British economy. As the owners reported that there was a problem with the acceleration. A Toyota spokesman said. “People have reported that with interest rates at a record low of 0.5% and billion of pounds pumped into the economy, the accelerator pedal is pushed right to the floor. However the economy is barely moving forward. We are not sure what the problem is, however we will do full checks on the economy.”

The Red Top decided to take the British economy to a local ‘mechanic’ a Mr Bill Anders. He took a look at the economy and told us.

“Well the problem is this mate. The economy was filled with Un-sustainable debt rather than sustainable debt. This un-sustainable debt seemed to make the engine of the economy run really well. You were getting tops speeds 20% higher than you should expect and a good extra 20 miles per gallon. But you see it was a false economy. What this unsustainable debt did, was eventually screw up the engine.

The Bank of England put a lot of debt into the economy as well to try and fix it. But they are worried it may affect the braking system!I hear that Toyota is being called in as the Japanese economy has a similar problem.Personally I would strip out the engine and try and use a German economic engine model instead.”

Definition of Hung parliament disappoints the British public.

With the news that the next Parliament, could be a hung parliament. The British people rejoiced, until it was explained to them what a hung parliament really meant.

Mr Andrew Jones a member of the public carrying a piece of rope, was interviewed by The Red Top outside parliament. He said "Frankly I am disappointed. I thought we had the opportunity to string up the whole rotten lot of them. But now it turns out it just means no Party has an overall majority. It seems that could mean even more squabbling in that situation, and then maybe another election.”

At that point Mr Jones stared at his rope and walked over to the nearest tree in Parliament square to top himself.

Jordon Marries Herself!!

In not very shocking news, Jordon divorces her latest husband. However in Shock news she then marries herself. Jordon with her new husband Katie Price, were married in a large Country Mansion. The Bride stood by a 6ft Mirror to take her vows.

‘We are so happy together’ said Jordon. ‘We are so different in character, but it proves opposites do attract.I feel I have finally found the right person and we can have a very profitable life together.

Chinese Government makes announcement.

“People of the West. Do you remember the Opium wars ? WE DO!!!

Today the head of China’s bank made a speech to assembled western journalists. It was the usual announcement of growth figures, inflation etc. However when asked about China’s future plans for economic and political change, the head of the bank said.

“For years you in the west have pondered the fact that we have a Communist government. Yet have an economic system that would make Victorian free market factory owners green with envy. Well we tell you now. Do you remember the Opium wars?! When the western powers tried to enslave us with drugs. You were the original narco states.”

Now fuming he continued.

“Well China is a civilization over five thousands years old. We have long memories. Now we have all your money. We OWN you; we are going to grind you into the dust then sale drugs to your poor people.”

Laughing manically he grabbed a fist full of dollars and waving them into the faces of the reporters shouted. “Come on PUNKS make my day!”

 He was then bundled from the stage by his advisors.

BBC Release Top earners list

Yesterday the BBC announced that it had spent £54M on presenters earning more than £150,000 or more in the last 12 months. However they refused to name the individuals. However the Red Top has discovered some of the people who are on the list.
Top earner is Jess the Cat on £400,000 a year. Which may come as a surprise to postman pat, who is not even on the list. An insider at the BBC said. It’s sounds a lot. But Jess makes a lot of money using his image rights for soft toys. Practically every family has at least one Jess the cat somewhere in the house.

The Redtop also discovered that Bagpuss and Professor Yaffle and others from the Bagpuss TV series are on £150,000 each.

Our BBC insider said. This is one of the dark secrets of the BBC. That kid Emily was a canny negotiator. Even though it was only 13 episodes filmed in the 70’s. The BBC signed them up on life long contracts with guaranteed above inflation pay rises ever year. They have spent the last 30 years in the Caribbean.
We will release other details in future editions.



FIFA to allow Wives and girlfriends (WAGS) of Footballers to transfer their husbands!

Due to a large number of scandals involving footballers, FIFA are to give the WAGS of footballers the ability to transfer their partners out of the relationship. Sepp Blatter said. A WAG normally has to suffer in silence as her husband or partner’s indiscretion is splashed across the papers. We believe she should now have the ability to Transfer her partner to the ‘Other’ women. And receive a massive transfer fee in compensation. With think this with make footballers think before ‘Playing away’.


Mr Blatter also added. Maybe we can introduce such a thing in civil law. So a member of the public can transfer their husband when he commits and indiscretion. Or maybe their husband they really liked 15 years ago has now grown apart from them. They could perhaps do a ‘Husband transfer swap’ with someone else in a similar position.

NATO uses CUNNING PLAN in Afghanistan

NATO commanders planning Operation Moshtarak, the planned assault on the Marjah area of Afghanistan. Have told the Red Top that the part of the plan to tell the Taliban that they were coming. Was an idea from a British Private Baldrick.

The Nato commander said. ‘We were planning a surprise attack, using Special Forces infiltrating enemy lines weeks before the main assault. Then we were going to hit the enemy with air strikes before the Troops moved in to mop up. However as we sitting around the planning table, a Private Baldrick came in with tea and biscuits.

And on hearing what we were saying he asked to speak. He said that we have being using the surprise attack plan for the last 6 years. Perhaps we should use a cunning plan of telling them when we were coming. This he believed would so confuse the Taliban we would defeat them. Well we thought we have been using the same plan for 6 years. We might as well give it a go.”

The Red Top tried to get in touch with Private Baldrick’s commanding office. A Captain Blackadder, to ask him how he felt about one of his men coming up with such a cunning plan. However it seems Captain Blackadder has been hospitalised after being found in a field with his head painted red shouting ‘I’M A POPPY, I’M A POPPY. GET ME OUT OF HERE”