West Country population unhappy about immigration, according to opinion poll.
In an opinion poll conducted by West Country News 85% of the population of the South West say there are to many immigrants in the area.
Interviewed by West Country news one member of the public said “These immigrants come here with their strange ways, funny food and strange accents. They don’t fit into our culture, they should go back to the West Midlands, Hampshire, Surrey or where ever. Bloody foreigners’.
The owner of a traditional tea shop in Culm Town said. “These immigrants come in my teashop demanding their strange drinks and foods. One came in yesterday and asked for a Cuppachino and a Pannannie or something. I told them they are getting tea or coffee and a sandwich and be happy with it, or go back to where they came from. I mean we try to cater for different tastes. We offer Earl grey tea and brown as well as white bread for the sandwiches.”
Witherton gets new Bus route
Local councillors in Witherton, Somerset have announced that after a trail period, the Witherton to Big City bus service will become a permanent route. One local standing at the bus stop told the West Country News what they thought about it. “It be great news, Witherton is a small town and the Big City offers things like, clothes shops, that frothy coffee stuff and McDonalds.”
The bus company has said that the bus will leave Witherton at 8:00 am on Monday and Friday. When asked about the times of the return journey from the Big City to Witherton the bus company spokesman said. “There is no return service, during the trail period no one ever wanted to come back to Witherton”
Sport: Football
In the Dave’s Farm Machinery South West Football League Division 3 fixtures at the weekend. The big clash was the local derby between Butterly Utterly and Culm Town Badgers.
The game was evenly poised at 1-1 with 10 minutes to go when a controversial, comical incident happened. Badgers striker Terry Johnson hit a shot just outside the penalty area when suddenly a sheep, later identified as Flossy, ran onto the pitch. The Butterly goalkeeper had the shot covered but the ball struck the sheep on the head and was diverted into the net as the Butterly Utterly goal keeper was left stranded. The referee allowed the goal to stand and the Badgers won the game.
Butterly have made an official complaint to the Dave’s Farm Machinery South West League association.
The local farmer Mr Giles who owned the sheep said. “It’s all very odd, I have never heard of a sheep interested in football before. It’s a well know rural fact that sheep don’t like football.
STRIKERS SECRET SHEEP AFFAIR EXPOSED.
Star striker of Culm Town Badgers Terry Johnson has admitted being unfaithful to his wife, having had an eight month affair with Flossy the sheep. The Badgers striker had tried to keep the story out of the papers by giving the editor of the West Country news £100 in a paper bag. However the editor said he ran the story a few days later as the rumours were all over West Country social networking sites. Felt tip pen comments on Pub toilet walls and carved into bus stops windows.
Said the West Country news editor “You can’t ignore comments that were made on these sites; things like ‘Striker shags sheep’ were all over the place.
Terry John has been told he will no longer be the face of “Champflower real Devon Cider” and he will have to buy his own football boots as Francis Sport and Fishing Tackle shop of Culm Town withdraws it’s sponsorship. Mr Francis said "It's not the sort of thing we want to be associated with. If it had been a Carp or Rainbow Trout I could maybe have understood the madness of it all.
Steve Margarine the manager of Butterly Utterly said “It all makes sense now, why flossy appeared on the pitch and ran towards Sheep sh…I mean Mr Johnson. We will demand a rematch.
Farmer Giles the owner of Flossy said “I am shocked by this scandal. I am president of the County fair and Terry Johnson was meant to be opening it this year. However I will refuse to shake his hand.
SPOT THE COW COMPETITION
This week’s competition a field in Gloucestershire. Spot the cow and win £30 worth of vouchers for Mr Smith’s animal feed shop.
Business news
Merger of North Somer Farm and South Somer Farm in Cornwall announced.
Farmer Francis Somer, of South Somer farm has announced the merger of his farm with North Somer Farm. The merger has come about as Francis Somer marries his first cousin, Rosie Somer. Francis Somer said “This is great news the merger will give us great economies of scale. For one thing I can sale the spare tractor.”
He continued “For years the Somers married Somers to keep the farm together. Then some 30 years ago the authorities said there were problems with our marriage arrangements. So it had to stop. We didn’t see what the problem was, true all the females in the family had 6 fingers on their left hand, and all the males would go mental during a harvest moon. But then we were not as bad as the Maulder family farm, they provided the local village idiot from 1930 to 1962. Anyway seems Rosie's mum marrying that bloke from a Town 20 miles away in the 70's has sorted everything out."
Farmer Brown looks forward to this summer’s Tractor Fest.
Farmer Brown has told the West Country News how he and the other west country farmers are looking forward to the annual summer Tractor Fest. This annual event is where farmers exhibit their farm machinery to the visiting tourists by driving up and down the A roads of the West Country very slowly.
Said Farmer Brown “The tourist love the close up view of West Country farm equipment, it gives them the authentic feel of the farming life. As I drive down the road at 15mph, I never tire of the tourist beeping their horns, flashing their lights and giving a big wave with their hands as they over take. They always seem to be shouting their appreciation but the tractor engine is so loud I can never really work out what they are saying. Think it usually begins with a W”
News in Short
Police make drugs raid on Pub.
Police yesterday raided the Fox and Hunt Saboteur pub in Axeter, seizing 60 kg of Cocaine. However it later turned out to be dental powder.
Riots in Trumpeter-St Mary, Cornwall
Local youths from Trumpeter-St Mary and near by village of Budlentford, clashed on Friday night in the Village centre. Riot police with tear gas and riot shields had to be called in. It appears that the fight broke out because ‘Bus Shelter’ Mary from Budlentford had been seen with a bloke from Trumpeter. Mary was quoted as saying that she had been out with all the boys in Budlentford and was bored.
Armed Police raid drug selling pub.
At the weekend armed police raided the Old Stoat pub in Crudington on suspicion of selling drugs. A police office said “Along with your pint of Otter Bile Cider and pork scratchings, you could also get a little packet of drugs, hung up like a packet of peanuts.”
Man beaten up for ordering Orange juice in Public House
In Cinderdean in Gloucestershire a stranger came into the Old Tree Choppers pub and ordered an orange juice. A few minutes later police had to be called as locals beat him to a pulp. A local afterwards said “We waited to see if asked for vodka to be added, but he didn’t. We don’t like weirdo sorts around here so we beat him up.”
Local bobby PC Davy Clyst said “We take this sort of crime very seriously, people ordering soft drinks in a pub is criminal. I mean I even turn a blind eye to drunk drivers at the weekend.”
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