Red Top News 10

New claims of bullying by Gordon Brown made by Mrs U.K. Economy.

With allegations of the Prime Minister Gordon Brown bullying Downing Street staff continuing. The Red Top has received similar complaints from a Mrs U.K. Economy, of bullying by Gordon Brown while he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. Mrs Economy told us that while Mr Brown was her boss, he would shout and scream at her to be prudent with her money. However he would then change his mind a few days later and tell her to ‘Buy herself something nice’ with a credit card. He would then throw a tantrum at her a few weeks later when the credit card bill came in. Mrs Economy said that the strain of the mood swings of Gordon Brown became too great for her. She said ‘In the end I fell into a fit of depression. They say it was just a recession but trust me it’s a depression.”

Gordon Brown was giving a speech at a conference. At which the Red Top tried to get a response about the allegations. After our journalist put the complaint to him he replied by shouting. “I will tell you this boy! Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin the need to smash your wee face in. Tell yae wan thing - see all this shoutin? It does not half give yae a helluva thirst.”
Mr Brown then left the conference centre holding a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine.

Entertainment news

Lady Gaga’s mum finally gives up saying.
“Your not going out dressed like that”

It was reported from New York that the mother of Pop Star Lady Gaga has finally given up trying to stop her daughter wearing outlandish clothes when going out.
Lady Gaga mother said “It was a constant battle, each time she was about to go out, I would tell her that no daughter of mine was going out dressed like that. She just saw it has a challenge and wore more revealing more outlandish clothes. So now I have finally caved in and said "I don’t care what she wears.”

It has been reported that Lady Gaga is happy that she has won this latest mother daughter tussle. She is now reported to be giving up music altogether and become and account. She was last seen wearing a pinstriped suit.

WINTER OLYMPICS NEWS

Great Britain wins Gold in Down Hill Tea Tray Sledging.

Great Britain was cheering as we won our first solo gold at a winter Olympics in 30 years. Amy Williams won gold in the down hill Tea Tray sledging competition, beating off stiff competition from the Germans. However there was an official complaint by the Canadians about the unfair advantage that Great Britain had.

A spokesmen for the Canadian team said “Great Britain is the biggest tea drinking nation in the world, which means at a very early age children are handling tea trays. We believe this is an unfair advantage and they should be banned from this event’ Amy can now look forward to being the official face of PG Tips.


Noel Edmonds to host new Saturday night show called.
You’ve been Mossad !

Noel Edmonds is to be the host of a new Saturday night TV program, where members of the public write in wanting local trouble makers in their area taken out. Noel will setup the hit with Mossad agents, with it all caught on hidden cameras.

Noel will start each show with a heart rending tell of how the ‘target’ has caused misery to local people, and then we will see the hit. Then Noel will interview the local populace afterwards live. There will also be a quiz show element as well. As each week two of the disguised members of the Mossad team will actually be celebrities. The TV audience will be invited to call in and ‘Guess the Hit team’, with cash prizes available.

Politics.

Tory’s say ‘Will will decimal point our way out of recession’

The Tory party has revealed how it going to sort out the UK economy in a speech by George Osborne. Mr Osborne said that after they had made gaffs by saying 50% of teenage girls became pregnant when it was actually 5% after a missed placed decimal point in a report. They had then come up with the idea of changing decimal points in all reports. So for example Unemployment would be reduced from 2500000 to 25000.00
Growth would rise from 0.1% to 10% etc.

Mr Osborne said ‘What might have looked like incompetence when dealing with figures, will actually be our strength. People with long memories will remember how good we were with manipulating unemployment figures in the 80’s and 90’s. This is not about real statistics, but aspirational ones.

Defence News
 
US Joint Chiefs of Staff do not want Homosexuals in the forces because of the fear of the enemy using Gaydar.

Yesterday in Washington DC the US Joint Chiefs of Staff attended a Congressional hearing. They put their case that they did not wish for homosexuals to be open about their sexuality in the armed forces. Due to a fear that the enemy would use Gaydar to detect them while on operations.

The head of the Air force said ‘Senators we have the latest Stealth Fighter the F-22 Raptor which cost $142M each. It is undetected able by any of our enemies’ radar systems. However we strongly believe that if the pilot is homosexual, than he will  light up like a Christmas tree on our enemies Gaydar systems. We believe the, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ system is the only effective stealth technology against the Gaydar systems at the moment.

Afterwards the Red Top Defence correspondent asked the head of the US Airforce.
‘Do you actually know what Gaydar means?” To which he responded. ‘No one really knows the capabilities of these systems; however we have our best people working on ways to counter them.