Red Top 2010B

Toyota Recalls British Economy due to accelerator problem


Last night Toyota issued a recall for the British economy. As the owners reported that there was a problem with the acceleration. A Toyota spokesman said. “People have reported that with interest rates at a record low of 0.5% and billion of pounds pumped into the economy, the accelerator pedal is pushed right to the floor. However the economy is barely moving forward. We are not sure what the problem is, however we will do full checks on the economy.”

The Red Top decided to take the British economy to a local ‘mechanic’ a Mr Bill Anders. He took a look at the economy and told us.

“Well the problem is this mate. The economy was filled with Un-sustainable debt rather than sustainable debt. This un-sustainable debt seemed to make the engine of the economy run really well. You were getting tops speeds 20% higher than you should expect and a good extra 20 miles per gallon. But you see it was a false economy. What this unsustainable debt did, was eventually screw up the engine.

The Bank of England put a lot of debt into the economy as well to try and fix it. But they are worried it may affect the braking system!I hear that Toyota is being called in as the Japanese economy has a similar problem.Personally I would strip out the engine and try and use a German economic engine model instead.”

Definition of Hung parliament disappoints the British public.

With the news that the next Parliament, could be a hung parliament. The British people rejoiced, until it was explained to them what a hung parliament really meant.

Mr Andrew Jones a member of the public carrying a piece of rope, was interviewed by The Red Top outside parliament. He said "Frankly I am disappointed. I thought we had the opportunity to string up the whole rotten lot of them. But now it turns out it just means no Party has an overall majority. It seems that could mean even more squabbling in that situation, and then maybe another election.”

At that point Mr Jones stared at his rope and walked over to the nearest tree in Parliament square to top himself.

Jordon Marries Herself!!

In not very shocking news, Jordon divorces her latest husband. However in Shock news she then marries herself. Jordon with her new husband Katie Price, were married in a large Country Mansion. The Bride stood by a 6ft Mirror to take her vows.

‘We are so happy together’ said Jordon. ‘We are so different in character, but it proves opposites do attract.I feel I have finally found the right person and we can have a very profitable life together.

Chinese Government makes announcement.

“People of the West. Do you remember the Opium wars ? WE DO!!!

Today the head of China’s bank made a speech to assembled western journalists. It was the usual announcement of growth figures, inflation etc. However when asked about China’s future plans for economic and political change, the head of the bank said.

“For years you in the west have pondered the fact that we have a Communist government. Yet have an economic system that would make Victorian free market factory owners green with envy. Well we tell you now. Do you remember the Opium wars?! When the western powers tried to enslave us with drugs. You were the original narco states.”

Now fuming he continued.

“Well China is a civilization over five thousands years old. We have long memories. Now we have all your money. We OWN you; we are going to grind you into the dust then sale drugs to your poor people.”

Laughing manically he grabbed a fist full of dollars and waving them into the faces of the reporters shouted. “Come on PUNKS make my day!”

 He was then bundled from the stage by his advisors.

BBC Release Top earners list

Yesterday the BBC announced that it had spent £54M on presenters earning more than £150,000 or more in the last 12 months. However they refused to name the individuals. However the Red Top has discovered some of the people who are on the list.
Top earner is Jess the Cat on £400,000 a year. Which may come as a surprise to postman pat, who is not even on the list. An insider at the BBC said. It’s sounds a lot. But Jess makes a lot of money using his image rights for soft toys. Practically every family has at least one Jess the cat somewhere in the house.

The Redtop also discovered that Bagpuss and Professor Yaffle and others from the Bagpuss TV series are on £150,000 each.

Our BBC insider said. This is one of the dark secrets of the BBC. That kid Emily was a canny negotiator. Even though it was only 13 episodes filmed in the 70’s. The BBC signed them up on life long contracts with guaranteed above inflation pay rises ever year. They have spent the last 30 years in the Caribbean.
We will release other details in future editions.



FIFA to allow Wives and girlfriends (WAGS) of Footballers to transfer their husbands!

Due to a large number of scandals involving footballers, FIFA are to give the WAGS of footballers the ability to transfer their partners out of the relationship. Sepp Blatter said. A WAG normally has to suffer in silence as her husband or partner’s indiscretion is splashed across the papers. We believe she should now have the ability to Transfer her partner to the ‘Other’ women. And receive a massive transfer fee in compensation. With think this with make footballers think before ‘Playing away’.


Mr Blatter also added. Maybe we can introduce such a thing in civil law. So a member of the public can transfer their husband when he commits and indiscretion. Or maybe their husband they really liked 15 years ago has now grown apart from them. They could perhaps do a ‘Husband transfer swap’ with someone else in a similar position.

NATO uses CUNNING PLAN in Afghanistan

NATO commanders planning Operation Moshtarak, the planned assault on the Marjah area of Afghanistan. Have told the Red Top that the part of the plan to tell the Taliban that they were coming. Was an idea from a British Private Baldrick.

The Nato commander said. ‘We were planning a surprise attack, using Special Forces infiltrating enemy lines weeks before the main assault. Then we were going to hit the enemy with air strikes before the Troops moved in to mop up. However as we sitting around the planning table, a Private Baldrick came in with tea and biscuits.

And on hearing what we were saying he asked to speak. He said that we have being using the surprise attack plan for the last 6 years. Perhaps we should use a cunning plan of telling them when we were coming. This he believed would so confuse the Taliban we would defeat them. Well we thought we have been using the same plan for 6 years. We might as well give it a go.”

The Red Top tried to get in touch with Private Baldrick’s commanding office. A Captain Blackadder, to ask him how he felt about one of his men coming up with such a cunning plan. However it seems Captain Blackadder has been hospitalised after being found in a field with his head painted red shouting ‘I’M A POPPY, I’M A POPPY. GET ME OUT OF HERE”