THE RED TOPS NEWS - ELECTION WEEK 3

The Final Round of

‘Britain’s New Game Show Host’

(The Search for the new Bruce Forsyth)

The race to be the winner of TV’s latest talent contest ‘Britain’s New Game Show Host (The search for the new Bruce Forsyth) took place last Thursday as the competitors were now down to the last three.
And contestant Nick Clegg seems to be the TV audiences favourite at the moment.

In early voting Nick was well ahead has his sincere looks, amusing anecdotes, and empathy with contestants seemed to go down well with the tv viewers. In second place was Dave, who has a similar rapport with the studio audience and gave people in their homes that feeling that the generation game would be in safe hands. Lagging behind was Gordon, who appeared stilted and dull.

The Red Top had a panel made up of members of the public watching the show. They gave some views of the performances by the contestants.

Sharon (46 – Ferret Breeder): ‘That Nick was lovely, the way he looked into the camera just made me weak at the knees. I would love to play my cards right with him.’

Peter (35 – Accountant for Novelty vegetable importer ) ‘I can see that Nick bloke hosting the Generation game. And Dave was good but he was rather posh and saw him more as a host of University Challenge.’

Mandy (66 – Retired custard tester) ‘Nick was great the way he worked the audience and he looked lovely. Dave was good I could see him hosting ‘Who wants to be a millionaire, like me’ quiz show.

John (25 – Unemployed Cat home Mortgage seller) ‘Nick impressed me with his authority and empathy; he would be a great host. Dave seemed a little bit to serious at times, maybe a host for Countdown? That Gordon bloke, blimey he was a bit severer, can’t see him handing out cuddly toys to contestants, maybe the host of the weakest link would be his thing.


Dunkirk rescue: Operation Jumbo Dynamo is under way.

TOURISTS SCRAMBLE TO THE BOATS

First Lord of the Admiralty Peter Mandelson has called for the Royal Navy and the ‘little ships’ of England to sail from the ports of the South Coast to rescue the BETF (British Expeditionary Tourist Force) that has found it’s self trapped on the beaches of Dunkirk, Calais and well every beach in Europe.

The First Lord of the Admiralty said ‘Our brave tourists, school trips and business men are trapped on the continent of Europe. It is time for all English citizens with small boats to come forward and help with the rescue. The Ark Royal has set sail already. God speed and God save the Queen.

Ash Cloud Created by Icelandic banks burning documents.

The Red Top environmental correspondent has discovered that the vast cloud of ash coming from Iceland is not volcanic ash. It is in fact a vast cloud of smoke generated by all the Icelandic banks burning their paper work, in a desperate attempt to destroy the evidence of their terrible financial position.

One worker for the banks who didn’t want to be identified said ‘It’s not just paper we are burning, computer disks, backup tapes; anything with data on is going up in smoke.’

Our correspondent also discovered that the other benefit of this approach is that none of the regulatory bodies in Europe can fly to Iceland to stop this mass burning of evidence.

65% of the TV audience for the leader’s debate want

Karen from the BBC comedy Outnumbered to be PM

In opinion polls taken after the first leadership debate on TV, the surprise result was that Karen from BBC comedy Outnumbered came top. It was also a surprise that 60% of the TV audience hadn’t realised they were watching the wrong channel.

One viewer who made the mistake said 'Well we tuned into BBC1 as they are usually the channel that covers all the heavy weight TV stuff. I mean on ITV it’s usually celebrity something or other with Ant and Dec hosting.
Anyway there I was watching three people squabbling and shouting at each other, calling each other names. So I naturally thought I had tuned into the leaders debate. And out of the three Karen seemed the most coherent and what she said made sense to me'.

Attacks on Karen from the other party’s are expected this week. The Daily Mail has already published 20 things you didn’t know about Karen, highlighting her lack of political experience and her views on Muslims and Simon Cowell

POLITICS: MANIFESTO HIGHLIGHTS

First pictures of Tory's Citizen Youth Service released.

The Conservative party have formed their first unit of the Citizen Youth Service to demonstrate how it would work if they are elected.

Their slogan ‘Das Volk’ is shouted out as they march to their summer camp to carry out physical activity, helping the Fatherland and receive lectures on the undeserving poor and sub humans.

New Tory campaign poster aimed at the Youth Vote

 

LABOUR PARTY MANIFESTO POSTERS:

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS MANIFESTO

Satanic Faith Schools to open using Tory Education plans.

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Satanists have announced that they are to open a large number of satanic faith schools across the country. Their plans are dependent on the Tories getting elected and implementing their school policies.

The head priestess of the Satanic faith Lucy Fur said
'We believe we are onto a winner with these faith schools. Not only will we offer great education, which will result in the children getting good exam results, as long as they sell their soul to the Devil.


We also think parents will find the entry requirements far more interesting. If you want to place your child into a Christian school, you have to spend long boring hours sitting in Church listening to the priest droning on. Or you have to take your child to Sunday school.

For our schools you do need to attend our ceremonies, but the basic one you need to attend involves a Friday night in the woods, drinking wine and running around naked, in honour of our Dark Lord. Or you can come to our Saturday night drink and drug fuelled sexual orgies as we cavort on a huge pentagram carved into our temple floor.’