ELECTION SPECIAL
ELECTION CALLED FOR MAY 6TH
NATION GRIPPED BY EXCITEMENT
The Red Top will bring you all the debates, breaking news and scandal in the up coming election. With our correspondents all around the country bringing you the views of the electorate on the crucial issues of the campaign.
Your Red Top Guide to the political parties.
The Management Consultants Party
Aspirational is their key election idea. Previously Management consultants have been brought in to improve the Civil Service and other publicly run institutions. Now they have decided why spend all that time wining and dining ministers to try and win contracts. When they can just take over and run it themselves. Their Election campaign slogan, ‘Less Pigs means a smaller trough’
The Public Relations Party
Aspirational is their key election idea. Public relations companies have spent years coming up with spin for companies and political parties. So now they have decided to stand as a party themselves. They believe that with their vast experience of Spin an election victory will be easy. Said their leader, ‘Look how we got the nation in frenzy about a footballer and his affair’. We will feed all the media outlets with easy to use material for Radio, TV, magazines and the internet. Then sit back as they just pump it out, as its simple and cheap. Everyone will be talking about us and no one else will be mentioned.’
Aspirational is their key election idea. Other polices include giving married people and extra 3 pound a week to be able to buy cheap wine to drown their sorrows. Make £6bn of efficiency savings in government by reducing the number of paper clips issued to civil servants, renegotiating the coffee vending machine contract for all civil service offices.
Stopping the rise on National Insurance as it’s a tax on companies’ profits…sorry jobs.
Allow anyone to open schools, so expect Mc Schools in every neighbourhood. The education might be crap but the schools meals are great.
Even closer ties with the far right in Europe. That way it will make the party look quite moderate when standing next to some of the east european parties.
Crack down on incapacity benefit. Each claimant will have to undergo a new test. They will be chased 50m by a pack of fox hounds. If they make the 50m they will survive and loose their benefits as they can cover 50m. If they don’t make it they will be savaged to death by the foxhounds and so off the benefit list. It’s win win.
Aspirational is their key election idea. They promise to make efficiency savings in government by reducing the number of posit notes issued to civil servants, renegotiating the snacks vending machine contract for all civil service offices.
Toddlers tax credit. Yes if you send your child to make clothes in a back street sweat shop or get them to clean chimneys they will get tax credits link to their earnings.
They will introduce a new Bank tax, it won’t raise any money directly but the income tax raised by all the new accountants and lawyers employed to try and avoid the new bank tax, should raise a few quid.
Aspirational is their key election idea. Vince Cable to walk on the Thames and then enter the Treasury where he shall lay hands on the sick economy and it will rise again. He will go around the country, and will take a Fiver and two pound coins and divided it up amongst 5000 people and it will be good. The Fiver and 2 pound coins will become £1200.34 for each person and the people will prosper.
A new voting system where every votes count, using the first past the alternative proportionality post system.
Stop the nasty banks and businesses exploiting people in the Underdeveloped world or as they call it, that gap year country the kids went to. While still be able to buy those wonderful imported products at reasonable prices.
Other Parties Manifestos
The Scottish Nationalist Party.
‘FOR FREEDOM’
Green party
“Our policies will raise the cost of living in the short term, to save the planet in the long term. Wait wait come back there’s more.”
Plaid Cymru
Will demand the £300 million which it claims leaves Wales to go into the UK economy. Obviously they have no idea that Tom Jones song royalty fees don’t actually count as income for Wales, and the coal was cash on delivery. Thank you very much.
UKIP
Want to leave the European Union, while enjoying free trade with EU Nations. Which of course the nations of Europe will gladly agree to. As we sit on top of the white cliffs of Dover, in our Union Jack deck chairs wearing our union jack t-shirt while jeering at Europe across the channel.
Communist Party
‘What the collapse of the capitalist banking system? We told you so.’
Guide to the Leaders wives
One of the major issues of the election campaign, is the character of the leaders wife. We at the Red Top give you the indepth important details.
Fragrance rating 10/10
Sarah Brown. Thinks Gordon Brown is a hero, ran a Public relations company. She is the most popular person on Twitter in the UK with over a million followers. Frumpy dress sense
Fragrance rating 5/10
Fragrance rating 0/10
Red Top Opinion Poll : How will you Vote ?
Here are the results of the first of many opinion polls that the Red Top will comission.
20% With a pencil at the ballot box
9% DUNK at the Dunk or Not at McVities biscuit website
5% NOT Dunk at the Dunk or Not at McVities biscuit website
12% Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ
8% To bring back David Tennanet as Dr Who
3% Reinstate John Terry as England Captain
13% Don't really give a toss.
30% What election ?
Members of the public make spoofs out of Parties Election Posters
As we have seen recently with election posters, no sooner have the parties come up with a campaign poster, than the internet is full of spoofs by members of the public. Here are some sent into the Red Top. I am sure you will agree they all make us chuckle and keep our minds of the dull election campaign so far.
GET INVOLVED in Future Election Specials
The Red Top will be conducting interviews with all the major party leaders. So please send in the questions you want asked. And remember this election is all about you, the little people. And we will publish the results in later editions.
Also send in your ideas for what you think a government should do when elected in 2010 (Editor. Please though no more ideas on the lines of 'Send the immigrants home' and 'Imprison pikeys and chavs.' thank you)
Meanwhile in a political party budget discussion.
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