THE RED TOP NEWS -Aug2010(2)

Long running series Extreme Makeover Home Edition: IRAQ ends.

The 7 year long edition of Extreme Makeover Home Edition: IRAQ has finally come to an end.

The team went into Iraq after hearing the tragic story of the Iraqi people. With stories of how they were repressed by an Evil dictator, while living in a terribly run down country.

The presenter of the program George W. Bush said ‘Well it’s one of the toughest Makeovers we have had to do. The country was in a terrible state, they didn’t have a single mobile phone provider, or a Mc Donald’s or Star Bucks.

The Makeover Team Head home. Mission accomplished

So we thought the best way to deal with the situation was to actually just gut the place. We demolished every thing really. Then we rebuilt it from scratch using the finest materials from the US of A. I think we leave Iraq in a better condition than we found it, there were tears in the people’s eyes as we pulled out with our equipment. It's mission accomplished.

Government to Sale off National Parks and Forests

New Forest to become New Look Forest

Mount Snowdon will become Mount Fujitsu

The Treasury has announced plans to sale off the countries National Parks and Forests. The Chancellor George Osborne said. It’s obvious to us, that only once in the private sector can the free market be unleashed in the country side. Allowing trees, wildlife such as deer, badgers, squirrels and song birds, to be much more entrepreneurial then they ever can be under state control.


He explained in greater detail how the privatisation would work. ‘ First of all to encourage buyers we will allow them to rename the parks and forests, so for example the New Forest will become New Look Forest, the Forest of Dean will become the Forest of McDonalds, the Lake district will become the District of the People's Republic of China Bank, mount Snowdon will become Mount Fujitsu.

Forest of Dean Protestor Lisa Baker

To make it more attractive to investors we will be introducing one more radical proposal. Every citizen within the boarders of the parks and forest will automatically become Serfs to the multi national that buys them. So for example the Bank of China could build lots of sweat shop factories in the Lake District with a ready supply of cheap tied labour. People may be concerned but remember these are grave time and radical proposals are needed.

Within an hour of the announcement a campaign was launched to save the forests. A Miss Lisa Baker from the Ewok community in the Forest of Dean said. ‘We are going to oppose this privatisation, and we will win. We Ewok’s are going nowhere, don’t they remember what we did to the last Evil Empire that tried to take over our forest!’

 
 

 

New A level grade to be introduced

A* to be replaced with A££££

Top Universities in the UK have complained that they are once again unable to identify high achieving students by their A level grades. Spokesmen for the Russell Group representing top universities such as Oxford, Cambridge, Kings College London and Staffordshire said.’ We are finding it harder and harder to distinguish between excellent students and great students, and interviewing is taking up a great deal of time.

 So we have suggested the introduction of the A££££ grade. This will show that the student went to a fee paying school to do their A levels, and so are the right sort to go to one of the great educational institutions. I mean it’s all well and good some oik getting 3 A*’s but they don’t have the right social skills or the network of like minded people. I mean they don’t even know what cutlery to use or which way to pass the port at social occasions. It will take months to teach them the basics.'

The A££££ grades of Eton

We also think maybe for some of the top public schools like Eton the A££££ grade will be awarded, while lesser public schools like for example, St Inbred and illegitimate child school in Inverness(Motto: Ex Site ex Mens) would get a A£ grade.


With the reduction in university funding some of these state school pupils must realise that the 'Dreaming Spires' are just that. So they should stop dreaming, and they should go and work in retailing and learn a trade. Social mobility no thank you, we are pulling up the draw bridge for our little darlings theres a recession you know!

THE RED TOP NEWS

PRETTY GIRLS GET A LEVEL RESULTS SPECIAL

Don’t miss tomorrow special feature of how well girls do at A levels. With 12 pages of pictures of pretty 18 year old girls getting their results…(Err we mean in-depth analysis of the educational gender gap.)

New non emergency health number 111

to be introduced.

A new non emergency number 111 has been introduced to relieve pressure on the 999 number. It is designed for less urgent calls like prescription enquiries, minor sickness like broken arms, heart attacks etc.

The health secretary said. ‘Well it’s designed to reduce costs, by sowing enough confusion that for example, people who have had a critical fall will maybe ring 111. By the time they are connected to the correct 999 number they will probably be dead and that will save a fortune in A&E costs. We are expecting at least 36% of all emergency calls to go to the wrong number. Also the beauty is that in say 3 years, when people just get the hang of it we will change the number again.

Nick Clegg: Diary of a Deputy P.M. aged 43 1/2

Nick clegg has kindly kept a diary for The Red Top News, while he has been ‘Leading the Government’ when David Cameron was on holiday.

Monday:’ Well crikey who would have believed it a Liberal leader with his hands on the levers of power. Of course I do need to ring Dave on the Blackberry even if I think about pulling one. Anyway busy week to come, need to get prepared. First off need to polish Dave and George's shoes and make sure there is no dust in their office.

Tuesday: ‘Well I did my first ‘Meet Nick’ meeting, where the public get to talk to me directly face to face. Another Liberal initiative, I didn’t see Gordon Brown doing that sort of thing. It went well, even though I was called traitor and many people told me that they would never vote for a bunch of ‘Tory boot lickers’ again. Obviously they don’t see the big picture and we are suffering the blows for the cuts the coalition have to make. However it will pay dividends in the end.


Wednesday: ‘Well funny old day, George Osborne was due to give a speech about the budget cuts, but he rang to say he was feeling a bit unwell and so could I give it. Well I am always happy to help, so once again stood up and made the case. I think the Liberal party will be seen as a strong and decisive the more we talk about these things.

Thursday: ‘Took a odd phone call from someone who said they were a Liberal MP. Sounding a bit ‘Tired and emotional’ they said that I was ‘Ruining the party, you idiot. We are going to be slaughtered at the next election. (Sound of crying) Is this what we became Liberals for ? You stupid B*******, that’s it, I am off to join Labour, or to the off licence…HICK.’
He then put the phone down, still I expect being Deputy Prime Minister I will get lots of crank calls. But I know I have the full support of the party behind me.

Friday: ‘As I sat in my deputy PM’s office pondering a successful week. It’s a great feeling to know that a Liberal has for the first time in decades the ability to exercise real power. Anyway I am off to a meeting of civil servants to discuss the ‘Sick kiddies, disabled people, old people and other drains on national wealth’ paper. Which it seems is a Liberal initiative according to Dave. Oh must make sure I have ironed his shirts before he gets back.

Western Powers relaxed about

Iranian Nuclear Power Plant.

Iran's Bushehr Nuclear power station

 

A spokesman for MI6 said that western nations were unconcerned about the Iranian, Bushehr Nuclear power station. In a briefing in the Foreign office he went on to explain. ‘Well the main reason we are not concerned is that the power stations is built by the Russians. And lets face it, they don’t have a great track record. Chernobyl, need I say more.

 

We actually think it’s brilliant they are building it, the chances of something going wrong and an accident happening will be really high. (Starts to chuckle) I mean what caused the biggest loss of faith in the Soviet system for it’s people ? It was the accident at Chernobyl they couldn’t’ hide that from everyone. So we are expecting the same thing, one accident and the whole Islamic state will collapse. In fact the USA and the EU are saying to the Iranians; fill your boots build loads of them. With an accident we would not even need to invade, we could just build oil wells in the dead zone using robots or something.'

 

The Red Top News August 2010

MOD ANNOUNCES SOLUTION TO DEFENCE CUTS.

NUKE AFGAHNISTAN

AFGHANAGADDON ?

Yesterday the top civil servant in the Ministry of Defence a Mr D R Strangelove announced that the MOD had come up with a solution to the spending cuts announced for the MOD which also included having to incorporate the £20bn cost of replacing the Trident nuclear deterrent.

In his announcement he said. ‘These are tough times and we looked at the figures. The Afghanistan operation is costing us around £2.5bn a year and we could be there for another 4 years or more. Then we looked at the cost of decommissioning some of the nuclear warheads from trident and they came to a few billion as well.

So we did some blue sky, out of the box thinking and decided that if we withdrew the troops that would save about £10bn over a few years, then we would nuke the whole of Afghanistan so saving a further £5bn or so on decommission the nuclear warheads. So everyone’s a winner, and let’s face it the defence secretary said that Afghanistan was a 13th century country so they won’t notice much.”



When asked by the Red Top defence correspondent. ‘Are you mad?’ Mr Strangelove replied. ‘No quite rational, I mean for my career it will be great, my bosses only look at the balance sheet never the human cost. I will look like the best cost cutter in the civil service. It will be promotion all the way.


It will also help me in my move to the private sector. I mean a manager there would balance their books by cutting staff and they are seen as pragmatic and get bonuses for that. I will be able to come and say I cut cost by nuking a nation. They will admire that sort of business acumen.’

US SENATE TO HOLD NEW HEARING

DID BP ASSASINATE PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Senator John Applepie chair of the US Senate’s foreign relations committee has announced new hearings into the actions of BP. He said; ‘We strongly believe there is evidence linking BP to the assassination of JFK, his brother, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln.

We also believe they are responsible for the creation of slavery in the USA and they were behind the American civil war. We are also looking to see if BP was behind the Pearl Harbour attack in 1941. Oh and finally we are reopening the case of who shot JR Ewing, as he was a Dallas oilman it sounds a bit suspicious.’

The Red Top North American correspondent pointed out that JR Ewing was a fictional character. He was bundled out of the meeting for ‘Un-American activity’


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THE A-TEAM Financial Services Group

We are regulated by the FSA. LOL

‘In 2008 a crack financial unit was sent down to the wine cellar of their bank for a crime they didn’t commit. These men eventually clambered out of their drunken fuelled captivity once the heat was off, back to The City of London.


Today still needed by the government they survive as creators of fortunes. If you have lots of cash, if no one else can offer you a 9.8% return on your capital, and if you have at least £100,000, maybe you can hire the A-Team'


 

Meet the Team

John ‘Cannibal’ Smith

John ‘Cannibal’ Smith: The leader of the team, the cigar chomping tactical genius is a master of disguising a terrible investment opportunity. Know as cannibal for his skill at buying up companies, stripping out the ‘fat’ and selling on the shell for huge amounts of cash.

He also came up with the corporate mission statement. ‘I love it when a financial plan comes together’

Templeton ‘Two Faced’ Peck

Templeton ‘Two Faced’ Peck: Is our hugely successful conman…I mean financial services salesman. When it comes to scams and hustles, err arranging financial deals, Two Faced is in a league of his own.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bosco Albert “B.A” Baracus

Bosco Albert (“B.A” (Bogus Accounting) Baracus: Is our highly skilled accountant. He is the A-Teams regular Mr Fix it. If you have a company, bank or even country with a terrible balance sheet, BA will come in and make it look like the most financially sound organization ever.
 
 He does have an intense fear of flying ever since he looked at the accounts of a company that provided spare parts to airlines.
 
 
 

 

H.M. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock

H.M. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock: Is our regular creator of Collateralized Debt Obligations. He came up with putting good loans, bad loans and frankly black hole loans into one nice package and rating it AAA. We said ‘That’s Howling Mad’ no one will buy that. How wrong we were.
 
 Murdock’s new CDO’s includes randomly packing all the old CDO’s into new CDO’s then adding insurance which is usually funded by err investments in CDO’s.
We then take these new CDO’s and sale them as an AAA investment, with insurance cover. It’s Howling Mad but people will buy it.

David Cameron makes speech on foreign affairs.

It's a funny old world.

Prime Minister Cameron made a wide ranging speech on foreign affairs yesterday. He said;
 

 ‘Well what a sorry state the world is in mate isn’t it? I mean you got those Jews in Israel putting all those poor Palestinians in open prisons, bloody disgrace if you ask me; they are a right bunch of fascists. Then you have those mad terrorists Muslims in Pakistan, they are a right bunch of blood thirsty savages. Not like those Indians, nice bunch, can’t always understand them when I am calling up a help line, but they have lots of money and someone you can do business with.
 
Then you got your yanks, well we got to thank them haven’t you. I mean they were the big guy who helped us out in the Battle of Britain, selling us all those Spitfires, and all those Americans flying them to shoot down the Germans they saved our bacon.



Oh we are here mate, that’s £15 for that trip governor. I know I know, cab fares bloody expensive but hey nothing I can do, they are set by the mayor of London. I went to school with him you know, mad as a badger he is. Did I tell you I had Mussolini in the back of my cab once ?’

SHOWBIZ NEWS

Well everyone is raving about the new Sherlock Holmes and we have an extract from next weeks episode.

Scene: Inside the office of Mr Smith head of Global Corp. Mr Smith sits behind his desk he has called on the services of Mr Holmes and Dr Watson.

Mr Smith :’ So Mr Holmes. I am told you are the master of deduction, so tell me what you can deduce by looking at me?

Sherlock Holmes: (Long pause.) Well Mr Smith you have been head of Global Corp for 5 years, you enjoy the south of France for your holidays, especially the small village of Saint Jeannet near Nice. You enjoy wind sailing, you have a wife called Susan who you have been married to for err 9 years. Oh you got terrible drunk at last years xmas party, you have read a number of books by Iain Banks and you are a fan of Paul Weller and Top Gear.

Mr Smith: My god, Mr Holmes that is brilliant. But how did you know that, how could you possibly worked out that in such a sort time of meeting me?



Dr Watson: ‘ Yes Sherlock that is amazing how did you do it?’

Sherlock Holmes: ‘Simple Watson. Mr Smith here has no idea how to set his privacy settings on facebook. His entire life story is there, along with his twitter account, Linked in account, oh and is flicker account with all those pictures of the south of France. I just spent the last half hour in the hansom cab with my iphone and the internet. It’s elementary my dear Watson.

Sherlock gets up and exits the office.

RED TOP NEWS

Paul the Octopus arrested for involvement in Betting Scam

The world of football was in a state of shock today as Paul the Octopus, famous for his world cup football prediction, was arrested and charged with being part of a global betting scam run by various underworld organizations.

The head of Interpol Pierre Le Plod, said ‘It seems many games in the world cup were fixed by criminal gangs from South America, Eastern Europe and China working together. However they needed a method to transmit the fixed result to people in on the scam, who were scattered around the world without leaving a paper or electronic trail.

This is where Paul the Octopus came in, he was told who the winner was before the games was played and then pick the team from the box accordingly. I mean who has ever heard of an invertebrate having such a run of success in predictions.

Our suspicions were raised when the Dutch team who are masters of beautiful football played the final like a pub team, trying to get them selves sent off. It seems the referees were not in on the scam.

Asked why an Octopus was used Le Plod responded. ‘It was an ironic joke by the Mafia, the Italian Mafia is know as ‘La Piovra’ or ‘The Octopus’ because they have tentacles in some many places.’

MONTY THE MOSQUITO ‘MY HOLIDAY ROMANCE WITH CHERYL COLE'

EXCUSIVE! Inside your Raunchy Roar Away err Red Top Tomorrow, Monty the mosquito will tell the full story of his holiday romance with Cheryl Cole.

Monty wants his side of the story told by The Red Top. Monty said ‘People say I am just a blood sucker after Cheryl’s money, but you only have to see the bites I left on her neck to show how passionate and in love we are.’

Read the full story tomorrow.

BP call in MI6 to stop leak

BP announced it was spending £300m and bringing in experts from MI6 to try and stop the leaking of damaging material about a possible deal BP did with Libya to release the Lockerbie bomber as part of an oil-for-terrorist-deal.



Said a BP spokesman,’ We are going all out to stop this leak, mainly by running a smear operation in the press against anyone who say they know about this. With help from friendly journalist in the pay of the security services, and if that does not work it’s 007 time, nudge nudge wink wink. Dead men can’t talk.

We call that a Top kill operation as well.’ The spokesman then began chuckling madly while stroking a white cat.

 
 
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FLANNEL
 
 



Have you been caught in a compromising position at a celebrity party and your picture splashed around the paper, but there are far worse ones posted on facebook?
 

Are you an up and coming politician who has a taste for wearing fascist uniforms, which you deny but there are loads of pictures of you dressed as Hitler on facebook?


Have you been caught drunk in a Muslim country, and all those drunken parties you have been to in the last 3 years are carefully recorded on facebook.


Did you go mental in the B&Q garden centre waving a rake over your head shouting ‘The daffodils are after me’ In court would your defence have been it was a moment of irrationality, however your facebook account shows your ramblings about evil flowers for the last 2 years.


WELL WORRY NO MORE!; facebook flannel is the service that will clean up your facebook account, to make you look squeaky clean.

How does it work ? Well once you think you are in trouble with the press or you have been arrested, you or your lawyer just tells us your prearrange code word and we upload the pre prepared squeaky clean face book. But hey don’t just listen to us, read this testimony from Dave.

Dave;

’I was in a Middle East country and got caught with the daughter of a top local politician in a hotel room surrounded by wine bottles. I was stuffed. But thanks to Facebook flannel, they changed my facebook to look like I was a very religious person who spent the last year teaching theology around the UK. They even had pictures of me in church and I had 1532 followers of my weekly Sunday prayer facebook app.


So when the police burst into the hotel room. And found me standing with a bottle of wine in my hand and the girl on her knees in front of me. I was able to argue that I was just showing her how the Christian communion worked. I was cleared of all charges. Thanks facebook flannel’

Prices start at €20 a year for the basic package.

The Red Top News - An Apology to the England Football team

An Apology to the England Football team

In last weeks The Red Top News, we described the England football team as a bunch of over paid, incompetent, lazy, gutless, morons. Who passed, shot and defended like a under 5’s team. Our campaign to have the ‘Talent less tossers, tossed into the Tower as Traitors’ campaign was a great success. (We would like to thank the 329,898 Red top readers who text to vote on the £3.10 per text premium number. You have done England and our profits proud)

We believed that the rot in English football had reached as far as the manager, the FA and the youth program. We also laid the blame at the Premiership which we thought was once the greatest league in the world, but now was just full of kick n rush English players surrounded by some good foreign players.

However after Germany’s destruction of the Argentinean team, we now realise that we were mistaken and England are a great team filled with talented individuals who just happened to come up against a highly organized, efficient, counter attacking, killing machine err I mean football machine.(Ed No more war cliche please we need to export to someone who has money) That no country in the world could match.

We would also like to point out that the Premiership is still the finest league in the world. Don’t forget you can watch the Premiership for only £39 a month on the Super Sports Channel. (Super Sports Channel is part of our parent media company MEGA NEWS CORP) (Ed note. Sorry Chairman of Mega News Corp we didn’t mean to damage the brand, we didn’t think it through.)

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Exclusive to the Super Sports Channels.

It has Sports, the are Super, it’s SUPER SPORTS

For £39 a month enjoy all the games of the English premiership, watch the big 4. Or is it the big 6 now, we are not sure, it all depends if any more billionaires owners turn up I guess.

Watch big game clashes Stoke v WBA, Wigan v Wolves on a wet and windy Wednesday night, Blackburn v Bolton in a mid table unimportant clash. Watch the battle of the Brummies Birmingham v Villa. Hear our commentators go on and on about the Premirship dream come true every time we talk about a Blackpool fixture.

.

Tune in to those great derby clashes Everton v Liverpool. Man Utd v Man City, Chelsea v Arsenal, as we endlessly build them up weeks in advance into the ‘Match of the season’ and then be disappointed when on the day it’s so dull and turgid, with no skill and people kicking lumps out of each other that you actually switch over to the discovery channel

Package also includes

La ligua, watch the mighty clash of Real Madrid v Barcelona and then watch uninterested at all those other Spanish clubs that you have never heard of but you may have been on holiday to somewhere that sounds similar.

Then there is the Budesliga, Bayer Munich v Hamburg and then clashes against teams you are really going to have to look up on a map.

Not forgetting our look at the Latin American leagues. Are the games fixed ? Are the referees corrupt ? Shout 'Shoot' at the TV as another soccer star is shot by a south american drugs gang.

Watch it all on the SUPER SPORTS CHANNEL

GOVERNMENT INFORMATION:

Are you dating or married to an extremely attractive East European lady?

One that everyone says is ‘Way out of your league’?

Does she look a bit like this?

Do you work for the government, military or weapons manufacture?

Does your partner have a kindly Russian Uncle who gives her lots of gadgets like laptops, pens, watches as gifts?

When asleep at night does she say things in her sleep like ‘The bear will be hibernating in Siberia tonight’ Which you put down to maybe her feeling home sick?

Does she enjoy photography and sketching?

If it's yes to most of these than please be calm. Keep looking at the computer screen or newspaper and then ring MI5 on 0800404040 because

SHES A SPY!

SHES A BLOODY SPY!

Run, run for your life that rather nice, but large ring she wears probably contains a poison dart.

RED TOP NEWS World cup report

HOLY CRAP WE ARE NOT VERY GOOD AT FOOTBALL

The nation is stunned as it discovers it’s not only not very good at football, but actually quite awful. The Red Top went to Middle England Town to find out what people thought after the game. One face painted, flag wearing, slightly drunk England fan said. ‘I can’t believe it *hic*, we had a golden generation of football players, we were going to conqueror the world. But we only beat one country and that was the smallest nation in the cup.’

Joined by some of his friends he continued. ‘Our problem is our foreign manager who can't speak English, and not enough true English men playing, you know what I mean, *hic*’

The gathering group started singing En-ger-land and raising the arms in Nazi salutes. ‘The Germans have the right idea, pure Aryan race and all that’

When the Dave Balls our sports writer pointed out that Germany had players who ethnic origins were from ‘Tunisia, Turkey, Poland, Ghana and Brazil. There was total confusion amongst the drunken supporters who then proceeded to argue amongst themselves and then fight. Dave balls made a hasty retreat.

The G-20 Toronto Summit Declaration:

HOLY CRAP KARL MARX WAS RIGHT!

The group of top 20 leading and emerging nations met in Canada and today released their official summit statement.

‘After many meetings about the current world economic crises we were at a loss of what to do. Do we cut our government deficits ? Do we continue to try and stimulate growth ? Luckily however one of our members happened to pick up a copy of Mr Marx’s book ‘Capital’ while stuck in an airport departure lounge.

It’s dynamite. I mean all this time we were wondering how to ease the pain and come to a fair and equitable solution. However Mr Marx pointed out that global capitalism is a constant cycle of growth and crash. Over time the rate of profits fall for corporations and recession occurs, luckily the price of labour falls so the capitalist can reinvest and growth will return, so the cycle continues. It's a bit like Lion King.

So basically we conclude that we do nothing, let workers take the hit. Let’s embrace the double dip recession, let the creative forces of DEPRESSION BEGIN MUH HAHAHAHA.’

When the Red Top economics correspondent pointed out that Mr Marx concluded that crises in capitalism would get worse and worse, leading to workers taking over the means of production G20 spokesman went on to say.

‘Yeah right we had a right old chuckle about that bit. I mean have you seen the amount of security we threw around this conference. We aren’t going anywhere’

HOLY CRAP MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE JUST ABOUT MAKING MONEY

Shocked festivals goers have concluded that music festivals are not about shared musical, cultural and emotional experiences, but just a money making exercise. Not really that different from wondering around your local shopping Mall.

One festival goer Becky said:

‘I came here with some crazy idea about people gathering in a mass celebration of love and harmony.

But after the amount I paid for my ticket and then looking around all the corporate sponsored stands and buying the expensive refreshments. It felt like a normal Saturday wandering around my local shopping centre, but with no roof and slightly better music playing.
Still I got a tan which I wouldn’t have got in Top Shop or New Look’
 
 
 
Rev Jones: Thought for the day:

Reading today’s news I wondered to myself, ‘Has the penny dropped.’ However before it could drop, the banks took that penny and whizzed it around the world currency markets over a 24hr period and turned it into €348,888. Then they used the €348,888 trade as security to back $343bn worth of debt.
Now let us pray, very very hard.

Lions demand end to corporate sponsorship of England Football team.

Today Rory the Lion, spokesman for Lions Inc, has demanded the ending of the lion’s sponsorship of the England football team. As it is no longer advantageous to attach their brand to the team.

Mr Rory Lion said ‘For years we have enjoyed a synergies of beliefs and character which reflect well on both of our brands. However the 3 lions motif on the England shirt is frankly an embarrassment to Lions Inc. I mean, I have seen a 3 legged antelope put up a better fight than England did against Germany.

The Red Top is asking our readers what should replace the 3 lions. The best answers will receive a signed England shirt. What a prize!! And we have lots and lots to give away.

EARTHQUAKE REPORTED IN SCOTLAND

On Sunday June 27th 2010 seismologists reported a number of possible earthquakes registering around 7 on the Richter scale initially and then rising on the scale in the area of Scotland over a 2 hour period.

The chief seismologist of the UK said ‘Well we registered the first one at around 15:20 BST and then more for the next hour. The biggest quake was around 16:50BST where we registered 9 on the scale. It’s very unusual for aftershocks to be bigger than the initial quake. After further investigation we discovered it wasn’t an earthquake at all, but the entire nation of Scotland rolling around the floor laughing as they watched England v Germany.

THE RED TOP NEWS EMERGENCY BUDGET SPECIAL

ENGLAND HOLD OUT FOR HISTORIC DRAW IN WORLD EMPIRE CUP

In a crucial fixture for the World Empire Cup in South Africa, the England team held out for a draw at Rorke’s Drift stadium. After a terrible loss in the first game at the Isandlwana ground, the English team needed to put in a performance. Kitted out in their familiar away strip of red shirts, the England team put up a valiant defence as the unfancied Zulu’s team launched wave after wave of attacks on the English defences.

Captain John Chard when asked about the game said. ‘Well the lads did well, coming off of a complete thrashing in the previous match; we knew we needed to up our game to stay in the World Empire Cup. We were outnumbered during the entire game, but we held on and have gained a valuable point.’

There have been rumblings in the media that this has been the worse performance of an England team since the World Empire cup was held in North American, where England was un-ceremoniously dumped out by the USA team in 1783.

EMERGENCY BUDGET SPECIAL

GOD BLESS SAINT OSBORNE

Yesterday the great George Osborne or as The Red Top calls him Saint Osborne, finally had the chance to sort out the mess that is the UK economy. His measures included.

Public Sector Wage freeze: The wages of those useless public sector workers like Bus stop inspectors, wheelie bin weight checkers, Urban fox day care workers etc are to be frozen. Obviously we are not including wonderful nurses in this.

Child benefit frozen for 3 years: However Mr Osborne also relaxed those terrible ‘Red Tape’ rules and regulations on businesses so children over the age of 5 can now work at sowing clothes to get more income in for their families to make up the loss.

Housing Benefit cuts. A cap will now be placed on how much a person can claim for housing benefit. Now only properties in the North East and Scotland will be in the rent limit, so expect a mass migration north. Mr Osborne said ‘Out of site out of mind.’

Disability Living Allowance cuts: A new test will be introduced where people who are claiming disability benefit will need to attend a new evaluation test center. The test centre will be situated on Mount Snowdon and failure to attend the office will result in the loss of the benefit. Managing to reach the office shows the fact that the person is not disabled and will result in a loss of benefits. So saving the country around £20bn

Tax Cut for lowest paid. The lowest paid will see a raise in their tax allowance and so will be able to use that spare cash to err pay for the VAT rises which they disproportionately pay more of from their income.

Two year council tax freeze: Councils will now have to be more efficient with the services they offer. So no more freebies to those twinned cities, or coffee mornings for mums, old people, well anyone really. So really enjoy those tax freezes as our army of surveyors work out the new council tax housing bands.

Bank levy: After the massive bailout of the banks it’s only fair that the financial pain is shared around. They have been given over £1 trillion pounds, so being made to pay an extra £2bn will really hurt them. You can hear those fat cats squealing now, or it may be laughter.

VAT: It's funny every party said they wouldn’t raise it during the election campaign, but here we are. A massive 2.5% increase on VAT, but at least the ordinary little people don’t notice it as much when they are spending, as they do when looking at income tax on their pay strip.
Oh and VAT does not apply to Newspapers.
(Please note for Euro sceptics it’s purely coincidental that our VAT rates now match most other EU countries. There will be no closer union with those ‘Continentals’)

Business News

With billions of pounds taken out of the economy, people are asking where the growth will come from. Here is The Red Top business reporter’s guide to who will get Britain growing again.


The Entrepreneur:

The Entrepreneur: Those fine, handsome, wealth creators will come in and replace the dead weight, moral sapping public sectors in areas it should never be in, like providing well paid jobs and a decent pension, when that pool of workers should be working for poor wages with no pension in the private sector.


Where were the fine, handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s during the last few years? I hear you ask. Why were they not creating wealth during one of the greatest boom times in modern history? Well the shocking truth is that they were stuck at home watching Dragons Den and The Apprentice. These Entrepreneurs’s trapped at home watching endless reruns of these programs, produced by the evil public sector BBC. All this will change as the BBC will be downsized and the handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s will come out of their homes and bring forth growth.

Worker Drones:

Worker Drones: These wage cost entities are a major drain on business created by handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s. With their endless moaning about work, drinking the coffee and using the Internet services of the Entrepreneur, some may say what are useful for?

Well one Entrepreneur’s worker is another’s customer. No wonder the poor drone is confused, when treated poorly by their company as a worker, but told there are wonderful, free, clever and with outstanding taste when buying a product made by another.
So in fact they are really just cash cows, to be herded around at work and milked dry at the shopping mall at the weekend.

(Note: Picture editor-So are we going for a bee or cow metaphor here ?)

Public Sector Worker:

The Public Sector Worker. No use what so ever, they are terrible at their jobs, it’s probably not even a real job, they are probably claiming benefits as well.

These people are a morally and financial sapping black hole to the British economy. In fact latest research by the Free Market think tank, the ‘We have lots of money to pay for reports that support our ideology institute’

Have proven that the entire financial mess was caused by these people, and it had nothing to do with the financial markets who were practicing free market ideology so could not have possible been wrong.

Said a spokesman from the institute. 'We have proven without doubt that it was the public sector that caused the problem by using lots of long complicated mathematical formulas, and using the latest economic modelling software. Not unlike what banks used to model risks for the derivatives market. We are not wrong we CAN’T BE WRONG!’

SPORTS NEWS

Our Football correspondent Dave Balls has been in South Africa for 4 weeks now. As usual he made his first stop a sports bar to soak up the world cup atmosphere and finally he has staggered out to file his first report. In fact he was found in a game reserve cuddled up to a springbok with a vuvuzela attached to a certain part of his anatomy.

Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité!!

Declares the French Football Team.

In a move that has shocked the world, the oppressed, exploited and starving poor people of the French football team have declared ‘La Révolution’ against their King Raymond Domenech. The leader of the rebellion Patrice Evra declared. ‘We could stand it no more, as one of the brave workers Anelka, was sent into exile for standing up to our incompetent King.

So we needed to act and we stormed the Team training ground and declared a Republic, death to the Monarchy. We are setting up a Committee of Public football tactics. People may call us poor multi millionaire leather chasers, but we are also free men. Vive la France.’


Experts in the UK believe that this is a little local difficulty and could not spread to other teams.

FIFA cracks down on Fake World cup Merchandise.

Today FIFA have announced that they are continuing to crack down on Fake and non official merchandise that is trying to be sold at the South African 2010 FIFA World cup. They are today taking a close look at the England team.

Sepp Blatter head of FIFA said; ‘We have already come down hard on a Dutch beer company trying to sale unofficial beer. Now we are taking a close look at the England football team, as there is suspicion that they are in fact a fake! I mean they are marketed as world beaters, but have only drawn against USA and Algeria, we are not sure if they are the real deal.’