ENGLAND HOLD OUT FOR HISTORIC DRAW IN WORLD EMPIRE CUP
In a crucial fixture for the World Empire Cup in South Africa, the England team held out for a draw at Rorke’s Drift stadium. After a terrible loss in the first game at the Isandlwana ground, the English team needed to put in a performance. Kitted out in their familiar away strip of red shirts, the England team put up a valiant defence as the unfancied Zulu’s team launched wave after wave of attacks on the English defences.
Captain John Chard when asked about the game said. ‘Well the lads did well, coming off of a complete thrashing in the previous match; we knew we needed to up our game to stay in the World Empire Cup. We were outnumbered during the entire game, but we held on and have gained a valuable point.’
There have been rumblings in the media that this has been the worse performance of an England team since the World Empire cup was held in North American, where England was un-ceremoniously dumped out by the USA team in 1783.
EMERGENCY BUDGET SPECIAL
GOD BLESS SAINT OSBORNE
Public Sector Wage freeze: The wages of those useless public sector workers like Bus stop inspectors, wheelie bin weight checkers, Urban fox day care workers etc are to be frozen. Obviously we are not including wonderful nurses in this.
Child benefit frozen for 3 years: However Mr Osborne also relaxed those terrible ‘Red Tape’ rules and regulations on businesses so children over the age of 5 can now work at sowing clothes to get more income in for their families to make up the loss.
Housing Benefit cuts. A cap will now be placed on how much a person can claim for housing benefit. Now only properties in the North East and Scotland will be in the rent limit, so expect a mass migration north. Mr Osborne said ‘Out of site out of mind.’
Disability Living Allowance cuts: A new test will be introduced where people who are claiming disability benefit will need to attend a new evaluation test center. The test centre will be situated on Mount Snowdon and failure to attend the office will result in the loss of the benefit. Managing to reach the office shows the fact that the person is not disabled and will result in a loss of benefits. So saving the country around £20bn
Tax Cut for lowest paid. The lowest paid will see a raise in their tax allowance and so will be able to use that spare cash to err pay for the VAT rises which they disproportionately pay more of from their income.
Two year council tax freeze: Councils will now have to be more efficient with the services they offer. So no more freebies to those twinned cities, or coffee mornings for mums, old people, well anyone really. So really enjoy those tax freezes as our army of surveyors work out the new council tax housing bands.
Bank levy: After the massive bailout of the banks it’s only fair that the financial pain is shared around. They have been given over £1 trillion pounds, so being made to pay an extra £2bn will really hurt them. You can hear those fat cats squealing now, or it may be laughter.
VAT: It's funny every party said they wouldn’t raise it during the election campaign, but here we are. A massive 2.5% increase on VAT, but at least the ordinary little people don’t notice it as much when they are spending, as they do when looking at income tax on their pay strip.
Oh and VAT does not apply to Newspapers.
(Please note for Euro sceptics it’s purely coincidental that our VAT rates now match most other EU countries. There will be no closer union with those ‘Continentals’)
Business News
With billions of pounds taken out of the economy, people are asking where the growth will come from. Here is The Red Top business reporter’s guide to who will get Britain growing again.
The Entrepreneur:
Where were the fine, handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s during the last few years? I hear you ask. Why were they not creating wealth during one of the greatest boom times in modern history? Well the shocking truth is that they were stuck at home watching Dragons Den and The Apprentice. These Entrepreneurs’s trapped at home watching endless reruns of these programs, produced by the evil public sector BBC. All this will change as the BBC will be downsized and the handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s will come out of their homes and bring forth growth.
Worker Drones:
Well one Entrepreneur’s worker is another’s customer. No wonder the poor drone is confused, when treated poorly by their company as a worker, but told there are wonderful, free, clever and with outstanding taste when buying a product made by another.
So in fact they are really just cash cows, to be herded around at work and milked dry at the shopping mall at the weekend.
(Note: Picture editor-So are we going for a bee or cow metaphor here ?)
Public Sector Worker:
The Public Sector Worker. No use what so ever, they are terrible at their jobs, it’s probably not even a real job, they are probably claiming benefits as well.
These people are a morally and financial sapping black hole to the British economy. In fact latest research by the Free Market think tank, the ‘We have lots of money to pay for reports that support our ideology institute’
Have proven that the entire financial mess was caused by these people, and it had nothing to do with the financial markets who were practicing free market ideology so could not have possible been wrong.
Said a spokesman from the institute. 'We have proven without doubt that it was the public sector that caused the problem by using lots of long complicated mathematical formulas, and using the latest economic modelling software. Not unlike what banks used to model risks for the derivatives market. We are not wrong we CAN’T BE WRONG!’
SPORTS NEWS
Our Football correspondent Dave Balls has been in South Africa for 4 weeks now. As usual he made his first stop a sports bar to soak up the world cup atmosphere and finally he has staggered out to file his first report. In fact he was found in a game reserve cuddled up to a springbok with a vuvuzela attached to a certain part of his anatomy.
Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité!!
Declares the French Football Team.
In a move that has shocked the world, the oppressed, exploited and starving poor people of the French football team have declared ‘La Révolution’ against their King Raymond Domenech. The leader of the rebellion Patrice Evra declared. ‘We could stand it no more, as one of the brave workers Anelka, was sent into exile for standing up to our incompetent King.
So we needed to act and we stormed the Team training ground and declared a Republic, death to the Monarchy. We are setting up a Committee of Public football tactics. People may call us poor multi millionaire leather chasers, but we are also free men. Vive la France.’
Experts in the UK believe that this is a little local difficulty and could not spread to other teams.
FIFA cracks down on Fake World cup Merchandise.
Today FIFA have announced that they are continuing to crack down on Fake and non official merchandise that is trying to be sold at the South African 2010 FIFA World cup. They are today taking a close look at the England team.
Sepp Blatter head of FIFA said; ‘We have already come down hard on a Dutch beer company trying to sale unofficial beer. Now we are taking a close look at the England football team, as there is suspicion that they are in fact a fake! I mean they are marketed as world beaters, but have only drawn against USA and Algeria, we are not sure if they are the real deal.’
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