HOLY CRAP WE ARE NOT VERY GOOD AT FOOTBALL
The nation is stunned as it discovers it’s not only not very good at football, but actually quite awful. The Red Top went to Middle England Town to find out what people thought after the game. One face painted, flag wearing, slightly drunk England fan said. ‘I can’t believe it *hic*, we had a golden generation of football players, we were going to conqueror the world. But we only beat one country and that was the smallest nation in the cup.’
Joined by some of his friends he continued. ‘Our problem is our foreign manager who can't speak English, and not enough true English men playing, you know what I mean, *hic*’
The gathering group started singing En-ger-land and raising the arms in Nazi salutes. ‘The Germans have the right idea, pure Aryan race and all that’
When the Dave Balls our sports writer pointed out that Germany had players who ethnic origins were from ‘Tunisia, Turkey, Poland, Ghana and Brazil. There was total confusion amongst the drunken supporters who then proceeded to argue amongst themselves and then fight. Dave balls made a hasty retreat.
The G-20 Toronto Summit Declaration:
HOLY CRAP KARL MARX WAS RIGHT!
The group of top 20 leading and emerging nations met in Canada and today released their official summit statement.
‘After many meetings about the current world economic crises we were at a loss of what to do. Do we cut our government deficits ? Do we continue to try and stimulate growth ? Luckily however one of our members happened to pick up a copy of Mr Marx’s book ‘Capital’ while stuck in an airport departure lounge.
It’s dynamite. I mean all this time we were wondering how to ease the pain and come to a fair and equitable solution. However Mr Marx pointed out that global capitalism is a constant cycle of growth and crash. Over time the rate of profits fall for corporations and recession occurs, luckily the price of labour falls so the capitalist can reinvest and growth will return, so the cycle continues. It's a bit like Lion King.
So basically we conclude that we do nothing, let workers take the hit. Let’s embrace the double dip recession, let the creative forces of DEPRESSION BEGIN MUH HAHAHAHA.’
When the Red Top economics correspondent pointed out that Mr Marx concluded that crises in capitalism would get worse and worse, leading to workers taking over the means of production G20 spokesman went on to say.
‘Yeah right we had a right old chuckle about that bit. I mean have you seen the amount of security we threw around this conference. We aren’t going anywhere’
HOLY CRAP MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE JUST ABOUT MAKING MONEY
Shocked festivals goers have concluded that music festivals are not about shared musical, cultural and emotional experiences, but just a money making exercise. Not really that different from wondering around your local shopping Mall.
‘I came here with some crazy idea about people gathering in a mass celebration of love and harmony.
But after the amount I paid for my ticket and then looking around all the corporate sponsored stands and buying the expensive refreshments. It felt like a normal Saturday wandering around my local shopping centre, but with no roof and slightly better music playing.
Still I got a tan which I wouldn’t have got in Top Shop or New Look’
Rev Jones: Thought for the day:
Reading today’s news I wondered to myself, ‘Has the penny dropped.’ However before it could drop, the banks took that penny and whizzed it around the world currency markets over a 24hr period and turned it into €348,888. Then they used the €348,888 trade as security to back $343bn worth of debt.
Now let us pray, very very hard.
Lions demand end to corporate sponsorship of England Football team.
Today Rory the Lion, spokesman for Lions Inc, has demanded the ending of the lion’s sponsorship of the England football team. As it is no longer advantageous to attach their brand to the team.
Mr Rory Lion said ‘For years we have enjoyed a synergies of beliefs and character which reflect well on both of our brands. However the 3 lions motif on the England shirt is frankly an embarrassment to Lions Inc. I mean, I have seen a 3 legged antelope put up a better fight than England did against Germany.
The Red Top is asking our readers what should replace the 3 lions. The best answers will receive a signed England shirt. What a prize!! And we have lots and lots to give away.
EARTHQUAKE REPORTED IN SCOTLAND
On Sunday June 27th 2010 seismologists reported a number of possible earthquakes registering around 7 on the Richter scale initially and then rising on the scale in the area of Scotland over a 2 hour period.
The chief seismologist of the UK said ‘Well we registered the first one at around 15:20 BST and then more for the next hour. The biggest quake was around 16:50BST where we registered 9 on the scale. It’s very unusual for aftershocks to be bigger than the initial quake. After further investigation we discovered it wasn’t an earthquake at all, but the entire nation of Scotland rolling around the floor laughing as they watched England v Germany.
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