THE RED TOP NEWS -Aug2010(2)

Long running series Extreme Makeover Home Edition: IRAQ ends.

The 7 year long edition of Extreme Makeover Home Edition: IRAQ has finally come to an end.

The team went into Iraq after hearing the tragic story of the Iraqi people. With stories of how they were repressed by an Evil dictator, while living in a terribly run down country.

The presenter of the program George W. Bush said ‘Well it’s one of the toughest Makeovers we have had to do. The country was in a terrible state, they didn’t have a single mobile phone provider, or a Mc Donald’s or Star Bucks.

The Makeover Team Head home. Mission accomplished

So we thought the best way to deal with the situation was to actually just gut the place. We demolished every thing really. Then we rebuilt it from scratch using the finest materials from the US of A. I think we leave Iraq in a better condition than we found it, there were tears in the people’s eyes as we pulled out with our equipment. It's mission accomplished.

Government to Sale off National Parks and Forests

New Forest to become New Look Forest

Mount Snowdon will become Mount Fujitsu

The Treasury has announced plans to sale off the countries National Parks and Forests. The Chancellor George Osborne said. It’s obvious to us, that only once in the private sector can the free market be unleashed in the country side. Allowing trees, wildlife such as deer, badgers, squirrels and song birds, to be much more entrepreneurial then they ever can be under state control.


He explained in greater detail how the privatisation would work. ‘ First of all to encourage buyers we will allow them to rename the parks and forests, so for example the New Forest will become New Look Forest, the Forest of Dean will become the Forest of McDonalds, the Lake district will become the District of the People's Republic of China Bank, mount Snowdon will become Mount Fujitsu.

Forest of Dean Protestor Lisa Baker

To make it more attractive to investors we will be introducing one more radical proposal. Every citizen within the boarders of the parks and forest will automatically become Serfs to the multi national that buys them. So for example the Bank of China could build lots of sweat shop factories in the Lake District with a ready supply of cheap tied labour. People may be concerned but remember these are grave time and radical proposals are needed.

Within an hour of the announcement a campaign was launched to save the forests. A Miss Lisa Baker from the Ewok community in the Forest of Dean said. ‘We are going to oppose this privatisation, and we will win. We Ewok’s are going nowhere, don’t they remember what we did to the last Evil Empire that tried to take over our forest!’

 
 

 

New A level grade to be introduced

A* to be replaced with A££££

Top Universities in the UK have complained that they are once again unable to identify high achieving students by their A level grades. Spokesmen for the Russell Group representing top universities such as Oxford, Cambridge, Kings College London and Staffordshire said.’ We are finding it harder and harder to distinguish between excellent students and great students, and interviewing is taking up a great deal of time.

 So we have suggested the introduction of the A££££ grade. This will show that the student went to a fee paying school to do their A levels, and so are the right sort to go to one of the great educational institutions. I mean it’s all well and good some oik getting 3 A*’s but they don’t have the right social skills or the network of like minded people. I mean they don’t even know what cutlery to use or which way to pass the port at social occasions. It will take months to teach them the basics.'

The A££££ grades of Eton

We also think maybe for some of the top public schools like Eton the A££££ grade will be awarded, while lesser public schools like for example, St Inbred and illegitimate child school in Inverness(Motto: Ex Site ex Mens) would get a A£ grade.


With the reduction in university funding some of these state school pupils must realise that the 'Dreaming Spires' are just that. So they should stop dreaming, and they should go and work in retailing and learn a trade. Social mobility no thank you, we are pulling up the draw bridge for our little darlings theres a recession you know!

THE RED TOP NEWS

PRETTY GIRLS GET A LEVEL RESULTS SPECIAL

Don’t miss tomorrow special feature of how well girls do at A levels. With 12 pages of pictures of pretty 18 year old girls getting their results…(Err we mean in-depth analysis of the educational gender gap.)

New non emergency health number 111

to be introduced.

A new non emergency number 111 has been introduced to relieve pressure on the 999 number. It is designed for less urgent calls like prescription enquiries, minor sickness like broken arms, heart attacks etc.

The health secretary said. ‘Well it’s designed to reduce costs, by sowing enough confusion that for example, people who have had a critical fall will maybe ring 111. By the time they are connected to the correct 999 number they will probably be dead and that will save a fortune in A&E costs. We are expecting at least 36% of all emergency calls to go to the wrong number. Also the beauty is that in say 3 years, when people just get the hang of it we will change the number again.

Nick Clegg: Diary of a Deputy P.M. aged 43 1/2

Nick clegg has kindly kept a diary for The Red Top News, while he has been ‘Leading the Government’ when David Cameron was on holiday.

Monday:’ Well crikey who would have believed it a Liberal leader with his hands on the levers of power. Of course I do need to ring Dave on the Blackberry even if I think about pulling one. Anyway busy week to come, need to get prepared. First off need to polish Dave and George's shoes and make sure there is no dust in their office.

Tuesday: ‘Well I did my first ‘Meet Nick’ meeting, where the public get to talk to me directly face to face. Another Liberal initiative, I didn’t see Gordon Brown doing that sort of thing. It went well, even though I was called traitor and many people told me that they would never vote for a bunch of ‘Tory boot lickers’ again. Obviously they don’t see the big picture and we are suffering the blows for the cuts the coalition have to make. However it will pay dividends in the end.


Wednesday: ‘Well funny old day, George Osborne was due to give a speech about the budget cuts, but he rang to say he was feeling a bit unwell and so could I give it. Well I am always happy to help, so once again stood up and made the case. I think the Liberal party will be seen as a strong and decisive the more we talk about these things.

Thursday: ‘Took a odd phone call from someone who said they were a Liberal MP. Sounding a bit ‘Tired and emotional’ they said that I was ‘Ruining the party, you idiot. We are going to be slaughtered at the next election. (Sound of crying) Is this what we became Liberals for ? You stupid B*******, that’s it, I am off to join Labour, or to the off licence…HICK.’
He then put the phone down, still I expect being Deputy Prime Minister I will get lots of crank calls. But I know I have the full support of the party behind me.

Friday: ‘As I sat in my deputy PM’s office pondering a successful week. It’s a great feeling to know that a Liberal has for the first time in decades the ability to exercise real power. Anyway I am off to a meeting of civil servants to discuss the ‘Sick kiddies, disabled people, old people and other drains on national wealth’ paper. Which it seems is a Liberal initiative according to Dave. Oh must make sure I have ironed his shirts before he gets back.

Western Powers relaxed about

Iranian Nuclear Power Plant.

Iran's Bushehr Nuclear power station

 

A spokesman for MI6 said that western nations were unconcerned about the Iranian, Bushehr Nuclear power station. In a briefing in the Foreign office he went on to explain. ‘Well the main reason we are not concerned is that the power stations is built by the Russians. And lets face it, they don’t have a great track record. Chernobyl, need I say more.

 

We actually think it’s brilliant they are building it, the chances of something going wrong and an accident happening will be really high. (Starts to chuckle) I mean what caused the biggest loss of faith in the Soviet system for it’s people ? It was the accident at Chernobyl they couldn’t’ hide that from everyone. So we are expecting the same thing, one accident and the whole Islamic state will collapse. In fact the USA and the EU are saying to the Iranians; fill your boots build loads of them. With an accident we would not even need to invade, we could just build oil wells in the dead zone using robots or something.'