The Red Top News August 2010

MOD ANNOUNCES SOLUTION TO DEFENCE CUTS.

NUKE AFGAHNISTAN

AFGHANAGADDON ?

Yesterday the top civil servant in the Ministry of Defence a Mr D R Strangelove announced that the MOD had come up with a solution to the spending cuts announced for the MOD which also included having to incorporate the £20bn cost of replacing the Trident nuclear deterrent.

In his announcement he said. ‘These are tough times and we looked at the figures. The Afghanistan operation is costing us around £2.5bn a year and we could be there for another 4 years or more. Then we looked at the cost of decommissioning some of the nuclear warheads from trident and they came to a few billion as well.

So we did some blue sky, out of the box thinking and decided that if we withdrew the troops that would save about £10bn over a few years, then we would nuke the whole of Afghanistan so saving a further £5bn or so on decommission the nuclear warheads. So everyone’s a winner, and let’s face it the defence secretary said that Afghanistan was a 13th century country so they won’t notice much.”



When asked by the Red Top defence correspondent. ‘Are you mad?’ Mr Strangelove replied. ‘No quite rational, I mean for my career it will be great, my bosses only look at the balance sheet never the human cost. I will look like the best cost cutter in the civil service. It will be promotion all the way.


It will also help me in my move to the private sector. I mean a manager there would balance their books by cutting staff and they are seen as pragmatic and get bonuses for that. I will be able to come and say I cut cost by nuking a nation. They will admire that sort of business acumen.’

US SENATE TO HOLD NEW HEARING

DID BP ASSASINATE PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Senator John Applepie chair of the US Senate’s foreign relations committee has announced new hearings into the actions of BP. He said; ‘We strongly believe there is evidence linking BP to the assassination of JFK, his brother, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln.

We also believe they are responsible for the creation of slavery in the USA and they were behind the American civil war. We are also looking to see if BP was behind the Pearl Harbour attack in 1941. Oh and finally we are reopening the case of who shot JR Ewing, as he was a Dallas oilman it sounds a bit suspicious.’

The Red Top North American correspondent pointed out that JR Ewing was a fictional character. He was bundled out of the meeting for ‘Un-American activity’


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THE A-TEAM Financial Services Group

We are regulated by the FSA. LOL

‘In 2008 a crack financial unit was sent down to the wine cellar of their bank for a crime they didn’t commit. These men eventually clambered out of their drunken fuelled captivity once the heat was off, back to The City of London.


Today still needed by the government they survive as creators of fortunes. If you have lots of cash, if no one else can offer you a 9.8% return on your capital, and if you have at least £100,000, maybe you can hire the A-Team'


 

Meet the Team

John ‘Cannibal’ Smith

John ‘Cannibal’ Smith: The leader of the team, the cigar chomping tactical genius is a master of disguising a terrible investment opportunity. Know as cannibal for his skill at buying up companies, stripping out the ‘fat’ and selling on the shell for huge amounts of cash.

He also came up with the corporate mission statement. ‘I love it when a financial plan comes together’

Templeton ‘Two Faced’ Peck

Templeton ‘Two Faced’ Peck: Is our hugely successful conman…I mean financial services salesman. When it comes to scams and hustles, err arranging financial deals, Two Faced is in a league of his own.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bosco Albert “B.A” Baracus

Bosco Albert (“B.A” (Bogus Accounting) Baracus: Is our highly skilled accountant. He is the A-Teams regular Mr Fix it. If you have a company, bank or even country with a terrible balance sheet, BA will come in and make it look like the most financially sound organization ever.
 
 He does have an intense fear of flying ever since he looked at the accounts of a company that provided spare parts to airlines.
 
 
 

 

H.M. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock

H.M. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock: Is our regular creator of Collateralized Debt Obligations. He came up with putting good loans, bad loans and frankly black hole loans into one nice package and rating it AAA. We said ‘That’s Howling Mad’ no one will buy that. How wrong we were.
 
 Murdock’s new CDO’s includes randomly packing all the old CDO’s into new CDO’s then adding insurance which is usually funded by err investments in CDO’s.
We then take these new CDO’s and sale them as an AAA investment, with insurance cover. It’s Howling Mad but people will buy it.

David Cameron makes speech on foreign affairs.

It's a funny old world.

Prime Minister Cameron made a wide ranging speech on foreign affairs yesterday. He said;
 

 ‘Well what a sorry state the world is in mate isn’t it? I mean you got those Jews in Israel putting all those poor Palestinians in open prisons, bloody disgrace if you ask me; they are a right bunch of fascists. Then you have those mad terrorists Muslims in Pakistan, they are a right bunch of blood thirsty savages. Not like those Indians, nice bunch, can’t always understand them when I am calling up a help line, but they have lots of money and someone you can do business with.
 
Then you got your yanks, well we got to thank them haven’t you. I mean they were the big guy who helped us out in the Battle of Britain, selling us all those Spitfires, and all those Americans flying them to shoot down the Germans they saved our bacon.



Oh we are here mate, that’s £15 for that trip governor. I know I know, cab fares bloody expensive but hey nothing I can do, they are set by the mayor of London. I went to school with him you know, mad as a badger he is. Did I tell you I had Mussolini in the back of my cab once ?’

SHOWBIZ NEWS

Well everyone is raving about the new Sherlock Holmes and we have an extract from next weeks episode.

Scene: Inside the office of Mr Smith head of Global Corp. Mr Smith sits behind his desk he has called on the services of Mr Holmes and Dr Watson.

Mr Smith :’ So Mr Holmes. I am told you are the master of deduction, so tell me what you can deduce by looking at me?

Sherlock Holmes: (Long pause.) Well Mr Smith you have been head of Global Corp for 5 years, you enjoy the south of France for your holidays, especially the small village of Saint Jeannet near Nice. You enjoy wind sailing, you have a wife called Susan who you have been married to for err 9 years. Oh you got terrible drunk at last years xmas party, you have read a number of books by Iain Banks and you are a fan of Paul Weller and Top Gear.

Mr Smith: My god, Mr Holmes that is brilliant. But how did you know that, how could you possibly worked out that in such a sort time of meeting me?



Dr Watson: ‘ Yes Sherlock that is amazing how did you do it?’

Sherlock Holmes: ‘Simple Watson. Mr Smith here has no idea how to set his privacy settings on facebook. His entire life story is there, along with his twitter account, Linked in account, oh and is flicker account with all those pictures of the south of France. I just spent the last half hour in the hansom cab with my iphone and the internet. It’s elementary my dear Watson.

Sherlock gets up and exits the office.