THE RED TOP NEWS DEC 2010

WIKILEAKS releases location of

Vital facilities for the USA

A long list of facilities that are considered vital for the US national security have been released by Wikileaks, the Red Top brings you some of them.

1)     Cattle ranches in Argentina. The loss of which would result in the closing of tens of thousands of burger bars in the US. The State department predicted riots within days if the average American could not get hold of Triple bacon, quadruple cheese, four pounder MEGA burger for breakfast.



2) Copper alloy factories which make bullet cases. The loss of which would result in a shortage of supply of bullets for American gun owners. This would mean their weekend past time of ‘Shooting S*** up’ would be at an end and they may have to do something else like read a book or at least colour one in.

3) Apple orchards in New England. No apples, no apple pie, no American dream. This would be a critical situation for all American mums.

4)     Saudi Arabia, yes the whole nation is vital to provide oil for the US economy. Also for the US army to be able to operate against Muslim extremists, who are sponsored by Saudi Arabia giving them money which came from oil sales to the USA. (Err hang on let me call the president on this one.)

5)     Bank of China. Please please keep buying our US Treasury bonds.

6)     Heaven. With the loss of heaven the Evangelist christans preachers would have nothing to offer the American masses leading to social unrest.

7) Disney Land. The loss of which would be the 3^rd fairy tale myth destroyed in America after God and the American dream

Prince Williams’ Wedding is off!

The right to marry Prince William is to be auctioned on ebay.

George Osborne has announced that the Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton has been cancelled, because it was a waste of a valuable national asset. In a press conference he went on to explain his ideas further.

 “I looked at the cost of the Royal wedding and was wondering how to save money, then it struck me in centuries gone by a Royal marriage was used to cement and alliance or provide a large infusion of cash as two nations united. Then I thought we could sale the right to marry Prince William so getting lots of money for our balance of payments. The bidding will start on ebay in January for one month the wedding date will stay the same”

It is believed that a business man from China may buy Prince William for their daughter.

The Red Top talked to a top toff Rupert Arsen-Lickier a self-appointed royal expert about the news he said.
 



Rupert Arsen-Lickier

 

Future Queen of the UK ?

“Well hopefully it will be another member of a Royal family rather than a frightful middleclass girl. Maybe a Russian Oligarch could buy Prince William for his daughter. I mean if you are trying to outdo a fellow billionaire do you buy a Western energy company? A Football team?

No you buy a Prince for your little princess and suddenly become part of  European royalty.”

It is believed that Prince William could be sold for as much as £10bn.

 

SHOCK ATTRACTIVE BUT TALENTLESS SINGER RELEASES MUSIC VIDEO SHOWING HER WITH HER CLOTHES ON.

The world of musical entertainment was in trauma as it was revealed that Kate Nocens Vox last years winner of the “£ factor” is to release her new single “Blah blah love blah blah” without a raunchy scandalous video. The video will show her in a suit singing with a very bland back drop.


Record Executives where fuming one said. “How can we market this tosh without having Kate writhing around the floor just in her underwear while we tell the press it has been banned on 300 TV stations while we also run a viral campaign of the video on YouTube. She won’t even pose semi naked in a pseudo lesbian tableau on her album cover.

The Red Top interviewed Kate about the decision she said. “I want to be taken seriously as a singer and the song should be judged on it musical merits not a video. I want to make it big in the World or at least 4Music.

A music producer when told of these comments said. “The only reason Kate sounds any good is because we threw more raw computer power at her original studio recording, then was used in experiments to simulate a nuclear warhead exploding.!



The Red Top has learned that if the song flops Kate will be posing in her underwear as the new face of Top Shop.

WORLD CUP EXCLUSIVE

BIDS FOR WORLD CUP 2026 ANNOUNCED

The Red Top sports team have discovered the initial nations that are going to make a bid for the 2026 World Cup. They are Antarctica, Afghanistan and MEGA Corporations United.

Antarctica bid:
  

Mr Pick Uppa



We talked exclusively to the head of the nation’s bids. For Antarctica we talked to Mr Pick Uppa, when asked about why he thought they were the best nation for the bid he said. “Well first of all the icebound land of Antarctica is a football mad land that has never actually hosted the world cup before and we think FIFA we carry on with giving the world cup to nations that want to develop football.”

When asked how a land with just 5000 people living on it can be described as a football loving he replied. “We have a large seal population have you seen the way Seal plays with balls in Water world theme parks ? They can’t get enough of it.”

When asked about the weather conditions he replied. “Some people may say -60 degree centigrade may be seen as extreme but we will building stadiums with roofs on so it should be quite warm inside. And there will be little chance of hooliganism between fans outside the stadium because they will freeze to death.
 

Ask what he thought was the biggest winning factor for FIFA Mr Pick Uppa said: “Well don’t forget the most crucial thing is that Antarctica sits on massive amounts of Oil, which turns into petro dollars, which frankly we can stuff into as many suitcases as FIFA wants."

Afghanistan Bid:

Mr I Eedee

Afghanistan bid is being led by a Mr I Eedee he put his case for Afghanistan:

‘Well if the last ten years have proved anything it is that we can host and event involving hundreds of thousands of people from many nation coming here. We have had massive investment in our airports we can handle moving fans around the nations easily if we have enough helicopters. Also we have had a massive investment in our infrastructure and a lot of it hasn’t been blown up ."

The Key to the FIFA bids ?

He continued:

"But most crucially we experts at corruption, and being able to take millions of dollars straight off the plane from donor nations and sticking it in suitcases and flying it out again. Our turnaround time for money laundering is legendary. Oh and then there is the soft focus video of a small Afghan child playing football in a dusty village which will warm the hearts of the FIFA delegates."

Mega Corporations United

Mega Corporations United bid involves corporations like Coca cola, Budweiser, McDonalds and Adidas. Their bid involves buying a small tropical Island and then building 8 stadiums and hotels on it. The leader of the bid Mr Phil Lee Cash said “Our pitch to FIFA is simple, “Cut out the Middle man and so more cash for both of us.” We don’t have to worry about government interference it will be the Branded World Cup. You will have FUN!”

The Red Top sports journalist asked if that was it for the presentation to FIFA ?

Phil Lee Cash replied. "Yup, SHOW ME THE MONEY!!. Would you like a World Cup 2026 branded pen and mug to take away ?"

GOVERNMENT INFORMATION:

Due to recent events we are reissuing this government information!

Are you dating or married to an extremely attractive East European lady?

(This includes ASSISTANTS no matter what you want your wife and or colleagues to think)

One that everyone says is ‘Way out of your league’?

Does she look a bit like this?

Do you work for the government*, military or weapons manufacture?

(*Again you may have been in opposition a long time and forgot you are NOW IN GOVERNMENT)

Does your partner have a kindly Russian Uncle who gives her lots of gadgets like laptops, pens, watches as gifts?

When asleep at night does she say things in her sleep like ‘The bear will be hibernating in Siberia tonight’ Which you put down to maybe her feeling home sick?

Does she enjoy photography and sketching?

Does she use your secure computer account because you gave your ASSITANT your password? Claiming she is just shopping online and talking to friends online as your computer is faster than hers?

Does she have a keen interest in military equipment and strategy which you find unusual in a 24 year old female but oddly attractive to you ?

If it's yes to most of these than please be calm. Keep looking at the computer screen or newspaper and then ring MI5 on 0800404040 because

SHES A SPY!


SHES A BLOODY SPY!


HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY IT!

Banker Ted

The RED TOP NEWS TV REVIEW

Coming soon a new comedy:

Banker Ted's Office

Banker Ted is sitting in his office of the Craggy Island Bank of Ireland. He is counting little green monopoly houses laid out on his desk. In walks Banker Dougal.

DOUGAL

TED! I have a brilliant idea.

TED

Really Dougal, as good as the one that lead to U2 moving all their cash to Holland ?

DOUGAL

Oh yeah Ted that was a mistake. But this is brilliant.

TED

Go on.

DOUGAL

Well Ted why don't we just lend lots and lots of money to people to buy property. Property prices will go up and more people will jump on the whole band wagon thing and we can lend even more.

TED

Any draw backs ?

DOUGAL

Can't think of any Ted. It's win win for our bank.

TED

Are we going to lend to just anyone ?

DOUGAL

Yes Ted, it doesn't matter. If they can't afford the property to begin with, soon the rise in property prices will mean their assets easily cover their loans. They be rich spending all their capital gains on stuff.

TED

That's brilliant Dougal. We had better just run it past the financial watchdog.

Banker Ted looks over at Financial watchdog Jack Sitting in a chair in Ted's office. He seems asleep.

TED

Watchdog Jack, could you take a look at this proposal.

Jack wakes up surprised

JACK

Feck off.

Ted hands Jack a piece of paper.

TED

There is a drink in it for you.

JACK

Drink! Drink!

Jack signs the piece of paper. Dougal hands Jack a drink with one hand while yanking the piece of paper off him with the other.

DOUGAL

(Looking at paper)

It's blank Ted ?

TED

Don't worry Dougal we just fill it in above the financial regulators signature. Lets get lending

FADE:

Some time passes.

BANKER TED'S OFFICE

DOUGAL

Well Ted it's going well, we have lent all our money but people want more.

TED

Um. Well we have reached our capital ratio limit. How to lend more ?

Ted is deep in thought, while Dougal looks confused, when in walks Mrs Doyle pushing a trolley full of cash.

TED

Ha Mrs Doyle what do you have for us today ?

MRS DOYLE

Well Banker Ted how about a nice cup of tea and €300 Million in cash from a German bank, to lend on to all those wanna be home owners?

TED

€300 Million well that's quite a lot there Mrs Doyle

Mrs Doyle dumps a huge pile of cash on Ted's Desk'

MRS DOYLE

How about a lovely £2bn from English banks.

TED

(Excitedly)

Two Billion pounds! Did you hear that Dougal. Ooh I am not sure.

MRS DOYLE

Oh go on Ted.

TED

Can we inject that amount of cash into the economy without causing problems?

MRS DOYLE

GO ON GO ON GO ON GO ON GO ON.

TED

I'm not sure.

MRS DOYLE

GO ON GO ON GO ON GO ON.

Mrs Doyle dumps a huge pile of cash on the table. You can barley see Ted sitting behind the pile.

MRS DOYLE

GO ON!

Mrs Doyle turns the trolley around and walks out. Dougal looks wide eyed at the cash.

DOUGAL

See Ted we must be doing something right. The whole of European Banking is throwing cash at us.

TED

Finally Dougal we are being respected around Europe as a serious economy.

DOUGAL

Ted can I buy the Roy Keane duvet cover and pillow case set now ?

TED

Why not Dougal, why not. I will give the Porsche showroom in Dublin a call as well. What can go wrong?

Dougal thinks then has a scared look on his face.

DOUGAL

Well it could turn out to be just a whole pyramid selling type scheme. This leads to the total collapse of the economy.

TED

Go on there Dougal.

DOUGAL

Which could result in Ireland loosing it's independence even before we celebrate a 100 years of independence.

TED

Gosh now that would be embarrassing if we did that. I hear U2 and The Corrs are practicing already for that party.

DOUGAL

We would look like a right bunch of idiots if we let happened wouldn't we Ted.

TED

We would Dougal. But look at all this cash we can't be idiots can we.

DOUGAL

No Ted we can't.

Dougal and Ted gaze at the pile of cash with big smiles on their faces. Suddenly Financial Watchdog Jack wakes up startled.

JACK

Feck!



The Red Top News Nov2010

Let them eat cheese:

Anger as Ireland plans handouts of cheddar to the poor.

The country may be a few heartbeats away from intervention by the International Monetary Fund but today the Irish government had a novel message for the public: let them eat cheese.



Brendan Smith, the agriculture minister, announced a European Union-funded scheme today that will enable the country to tuck into the EU's cheese mountain. 53 tonnes of fresh cheddar will be distributed from 15 November with collection centres in towns and cities around the country.

The minister said the scheme was "an important means of contributing towards the well-being of the most deprived citizens in the community".


"I am very conscious that many people find themselves in difficult circumstances at present and I want to commend the work of the many charitable organisations who are working on the front line to bring what comfort and relief they can," said Smith.


The initiative was immediately attacked by the opposition Fine Gael party, who called it an insult to the country, which is suffering the worst financial crisis in its history.


Fine Gael's agriculture spokesman, Andrew Doyle, said: "People on the breadline would rather the government's attention was on solving the economic crisis they caused and providing jobs rather than on this ridiculous announcement.


German finance minister says "With all due respect, US policy is clueless,"

Critics said the $600bn (£370bn) of QE announced by the Federal Reserve would hurt consumers by pushing up prices of soy, wheat and other staple foods, along with oil, copper and zinc.


The jump in commodity prices raised the prospect of an inflationary bubble reminiscent of 2008, when oil and other industrial raw materials struck all-time highs just before the crash.

UK food prices were 9.8% higher last month than a year ago, the biggest annual increase since October 2008, according to the Office for National Statistics. Imported food prices climbed 4.5% on the year, the fastest rate since October 2009, pushing up the price of bread and margarine. Prices are likely to be pushed higher in coming months, with refined sugar reaching a record of $783.90 a tonne today.

China, Germany and Brazil warned that QE would have far-reaching negative effects beyond US shores. They said it amounted to promoting US exporters at the expense of rival trading nations with a scheme to artificially depress the value of the dollar.





"With all due respect, US policy is clueless," said German finance minister Wolfgang Schäuble. "[The problem] is not a shortage of liquidity. It's not that the Americans haven't pumped enough liquidity into the market. And now to say let's pump more into the market is not going to solve their problems."


Symbolic moves by the Bank of Japan. Economists get their Microscopes out.


JAPAN’S economy has long been sickly. It now also has to contend with a stronger yen, thanks in part to loose monetary policy elsewhere in the rich world. That alone gave the Bank of Japan (BoJ) reason to act on October 5th. So too did criticism that it has not done enough to spur the economy, which has inspired Japanese politicians to suggest legislation to weaken the central bank’s independence.



Whatever its motivation, the BoJ this week took three modest but symbolic steps. First, it lowered its policy rate from 0.1% to a range between zero and 0.1%. That signals to the market, and to disenchanted politicians, that the BoJ cares.

The Red Top Economic correspondent comments.'That's right so low are Japans interest rate that they can't cut them anymore so they have to come up with a comment about a range somewhere between 0.1% and 0.0%. Yet the financial markets make no comment.



G20 summit at odds over global recovery pact.
"Sod globalization let national  protectionism begin."
 
Gathering on a group of three islands specially built for the summit near Seoul, leaders will spend the next two days in fraught discussions about how to iron out the growing rifts between export-rich countries and debt-laden consumer nations. Protectionism and foreign exchange rates will be central to the debate.
 

The United States wants China to allow the yuan to rise faster and believes that Beijing is keeping its currency low to gain a trade advantage. But the US negotiators face a rough ride, especially in the wake of last week's new $600bn round of quantitative easing, which has angered many G20 nations, including China and Germany, who believe the move is designed to weaken the dollar – boosting US exports – and ignores the global repercussions it is likely to provoke. Already the euro is at a two-year high against the dollar.

NEWS FLASH FROM G20

G20 DECLARE CASH FOR GOLD SCHEME

The G20 has announced a new scheme where anyone can hand in any unwanted gold and receive a cash payment. A spokesman for the G20 said 'As we represent the top 20 economies we can offer extremely good rates for the gold."

Asked by the Red Top Economics correspondent why they are offering such good rates for gold he said.

"Well we think it’s a good way of getting liquidity into the world economy. Also it means we will possess all the gold when we introduce a new world currency backed by gold. While all the little people own greatly devalued some would say almost worthless paper money.

It’s win win, err if you’re a government, bank or an investor who holds most of their assets in precious metals.”





The Red Top News -Nov2

THE RED TOP NEWS: EXCLUSIVE

GCHQ intercepts phone calls of the Cargo plane


 bombers.

GCHQ

.

The Red Top News investigative team have obtained the transcript of the Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ ‘s ) phone intercepts of the failed Al-Qaida cargo plane bombers calling their technical team. Read exclusively the shocking truth about these evil doers.

Technical Support: Hello Jihad IT Support how can I help ?

Al-Qaida man: Hello, yes I would like to report a problem with a printer.

Technical Support: Have you tired turning it on and off ?

Al-Qaida man: Yes we did.

Technical Support: Have you made sure the paper tray is in correctly?

Al-Qaida man: The paper tray? It’s not that sort of printer. It the HP 720 God is Great printer.

Technical Support: Hang on I will just look it up on the knowledge base. OK here we are common known problems. Did you replace the standard Toner cartridge with the Toner cartridge containing Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN ) explosive ?

Al-Qaida man: Yes of course we did!

Technical Support: Ok sir calm down just doing my job and running through the check list. Did you attach a phone, watch or other similar timing device?

Al-Qaida man: Yes yes. Look can I talk to someone senior.

Technical Support: Sir sir we are just going through the checks. Did you set the printer to print A3 Landscape?

Al-Qaida man: Err hang on. Youssef did we set the printer to A3 Landscape? (Pause) No we didn’t

Technical Support: I see sir that is your problem. Setting it to A3 Landscape arms the device.

Al-Qaida man: OH sod it.

Technical Support: One other note if you set the printer to printer letter size the Printer will explode just 5 seconds later. It’s a feature. Thank you for calling.

The Red Top News will update you on any new information we get.

Britain in Shock as it discovers Stephen Fry talks Bo*****s

The people of Britain were shaken to their cores when it was discovered that Stephen Fry actually just talks Bo*****s. After he said that; “Women only have sex with men as the price worth paying for a relationship.”






Paper uses unflattering picture in attempt to justify story.



A self-appointed expert in ‘Showbiz people talking crap’ Steve Smith said. ‘For years the nation has believed that Stephen Fry is an upper class, intellectual heavy weight with a rapier wit and an encyclopaedic brain with added thesaurus. However now we have discovered that he is just some bloke, who went to Cambridge, tells a few gags, is good at scrabble and just has a good memory of things he read on Wikipedia.”

Sharon talks about Fry

The Red Top News sent a reporter to talk to your average female night clubber out on a Saturday night. We interviewed Sharon at a London nightclub about what she thought of Mr Fry’s comment.

She said ‘I’m not sure what that Fry bloke is on about, there is nothing better on a Saturday night then going to my favourite night club; STD’s and having 6 white wine spritzers then talking to some bloke I just met and going home and shagging him. I mean it’s better than sitting at home watching X-Factor or something and crying into my Haagen Dazs, ain’t it! Perhaps he should go clubbing with me and the girls’

The Queen as declared a day of national mourning for its loss of a well loved genius.


 
 
 
 
 
ADVERTISMENT
 

ONLINE BETTING CORP

(Giving customers the illusion of control of their financial destiny since 2001)



I will predict successfully the half time score of my favourite team’s football game this weekend.

I will tell my wife that the £300 going out the bank account was for important car repairs

I will raid the children’s xmas money fund.

I will max out my credit card with bets on the number of no balls bowled on the morning session of the 3rd days play of the 2nd ashes tour match.



I will break into the childrens piggy banks in a last  desperate bid to win back some of my losses.

I will give the keys of the house back to the bank.

I will hang myself.





Red Squirrels demand an apology from Harriet Harman.

Today the head of the Red squirrel community Mr S.Nutkin has demanded an apology from Harriet Harman after she compared Red hair rodents to the coalition Treasury secretary Danny Alexander.

Squirrel Butkin: Keynesian economist or just nuts ?

Mr Nutkin said. ‘This is an absolute disgrace comparing us to Mr Alexander who is soon to be one of the most vilified incompetent politicians in our nation’s history.

I mean even I can see the fundamental flaws in pursuing a liberal free market agenda during a global economic crises, a policy that was tried in the 1930’s during similar economic  conditions which lead to terrible economic times.” Mr Nutkin then coughs looked nervously around and nibbled on a nut before adding. ‘But then I am just a squirrel.

YES ANOTHER EXCUSE TO PRINT A PICTURE OF KAREN GILLIAN

He went on. "All I am saying is why we can’t be compared to a nice Scottish red head like Karen Gillian. I have had enough of these politicians they don’t know what they are on about. All I will say is ‘NUTS to them.’

Economic News:

Prostitutes in Manchester rejoice at predicted rise in future earnings.

Prostitutes in Manchester say that see bright times ahead with forecasts of 50% rise in profits over the next 5 years. Especially amongst their older more established practitioners. Spokesmen said “I guess this is what they call the trickle down effect’. Divorce lawyers also predicted some good times ahead.

ADVERTISMENT:

Lords Bank (Giving people an illusion of control of their finances since 1756)

For years we suggested for “The Journey” all you needed to do was invest in property and watch the value soar. We even suggested taking some of the equity out to enjoy some good times during “The Journey” Hey take a credit card out and enjoy cheap money on “The Journey”

Well it’s funny how things change on "The Journey” with it's little ups and downs so now we say

SAVE for GOD’s SAKE
SAVE.

Even though we are offering a rate that barely covers you for the rise in inflation. SAVE (sob) please.


Want a mortgage for when things change in your life on “The Journey”? Well show us you have a 20% deposit. Because quite frankly in a worse case housing price crash, we want the first 20% of losses to be your money.

Lords Bank for the “The Journey”. Which when you think about it actually ends with your inevitable death, but we don’t show that in our adverts because we DO money not philosophy.

Tea Party Movement announce Foreign policy initiative

 to restore American Pride.

INVADE PUERTO RICO!

With the upcoming US mid-term elections and an eye on the next presidential elections the Tea Party movement’s spokesman Sarah Palin has declared the best way to restore American battered pride was to, quote; “Invade a nation which we have a chance of beating in a week.”

She went on to say that a successful show of military force that would last a week would perfectly match a Tea Party members  attention span for difficult news stories, and would get people waving the stars and stripes again. With a home coming parade, 6 films and 8 TV mini-series  about the invasion. The nation will once again be filled with pride and be able hold its head up high.

In preparing the public for the invasion Fox News has started running a series of programs entitled ‘PUERTO RICO, home of Islamic ,Communist, freedom haters.”

When the Red Top’s American correspondent pointed out to Sarah Palin that Puerto Rico was already an area which belongs to the United States, she responded. ‘Really I did not know that. I was just looking at a inflatable beachball with the image of the earth on it and just picked a small Island .Well that means we can still us the dollar I guess when we get there.”

THE RED TOP NEWS OCTOBER BUDGET SPECIAL

George Osborne’s makes budget speech.

Poor to CUT their own throats.

Don't give me your poor or huddled masses.

George Osborne announcement massive cuts across all government spending. However he said the most important cut was for the poor to cut their own throats, so that they would no longer be a burden on society.

Mr Osborne said ‘We require massive cuts in welfare and we believe it is every poor person patriotic duty to cut their throats and save us a fortune. We are a caring government and that is why we won’t be going around slitting their throats. No we will make their living conditions so bad that they will feel their only way out is cutting their own throats. On the plus side if they fill the 65 page D78 form they will get a free headstone. See we care.


Red Top Analysis of key budget announcements.


490,000 public sector jobs go: Boo-hoo those urban foxes will just have to find their own accommodation rather than relying on urban fox outreach workers.

BBC licence fee to be frozen for 6 years: This will result in the gap being filled by endless reruns of top gear and Jeremy Clarkson monologues. Which we in the Red Top feel is just the sort of the inspiration this nation needs.

Winter fuel allowance to be kept: Because quite frankly the conservative party needs to keep its core voters alive for the next election.

Housing benefit to be cut: This will result in people on benefit having to leave their luxury housing in Mayfair and find somewhere cheaper. Luckily the government are building new social housing….oh wait they are cutting that by 50%. Public Park it is then.

Or has the Red Top Headline reads From Park Lane to Park Bench you poor scum.

Higher Education budget cut: Don’t worry kids there is no need for higher education as you will be assembling hoovers and other domestic appliances in sweatshops for the booming Chinese economy in a couple of year’s time.

Banking sector: 8pm: Black Tie and Champaign at number 11 chin chin.

Margret Thatcher rushed to hospital after feeling sick at the cuts announced by the tory party.

Mrs Thatcher was rushed to hospital after she complained of feeling ‘Sick to the stomach’ at the size of the cuts that the coalition was going to introduce. She was quoted as saying ‘I thought my government was ruthless and cruel in the early 80’s with massive cuts in budgets, mass long term unemployment and a long recession.

But at least we had the oil money to throw away on welfare as we crushed the unions. And at least we turned the economy around from out of date manufacturing to allowing shiny cutting edge financial services to flourish, which have brought our nation to the Promised Land.’

At which point one her aids put an oxygen mask on her and asked everyone to leave.

Defence Review Unemployed penal

battalion for IED Clearing.

The Prime Minister had announced a number of changes in Britain Armed forces as part of the Defence Review. Now after the budget he announced another change. The introduction of Penal Battalions to be used in Afghanistan made up of anyone who has been unemployed for 6 months or more.

IED Seekers Allowance Battalion

Mr Cameron said. ‘Well I was watching the film Stalingrad with Gideon and we saw how the Russians used penal battalions to clear minefields. Well we had a wizo idea. Why not take all those economically inactive people and send them off to walk down Afghan roads and fields. I mean it costs a fortune to train a bomb disposal chap, while it will costs us next to nothing to send 10 members of the penal battalion through an Afghan village. Also think what the Taliban will think when they see we are quite happy to throw lives away, they will surrender within the week I tell you.

Mervyn King Governor of the Bank of England tells other central bankers

‘GO ***K Yourselves!

Mervyn King today in a speech warned of a 1930’s style collapse if policy makers were unable to agree on a way forward on currency conflict. However half way through his speech he heard that China was increasing interest rates, while the USA announced more quantitative easing so lowering the value of the dollar. On hearing the news Mr King threw away his speech and proceeded to say.

‘OK, if that’s the way you want to play it Federal Bank of America, GO ***K yourself, and you Bank of China, GO ***K yourself to. We will introduce quantitative easing ourselves; we will drive the pound so low it will be cheaper to make plastic toys in Stoke than it will be in Shanghai.

Oh and Brazil and Russia, you can go Kiss my ass.“ Now taking his jacket off and red in the face he went on. "Yeah and the European bank, you looking at me? Are you looking at me?. Go ***k yourself to.”

He then proceeded to pull £20 pounds notes out of his wallets and tearing them up shouting ‘It’s all worthless paper, it’s all worthless, a chocolate coin is worth more. We are all doomed’ He then collapsed on the stage.

The financial markets took it in their stride as they bought into gold and bought tickets to the remote tropical island they were preparing to flee to.