WIKILEAKS releases location of
Vital facilities for the USA
A long list of facilities that are considered vital for the US national security have been released by Wikileaks, the Red Top brings you some of them.
1) Cattle ranches in Argentina. The loss of which would result in the closing of tens of thousands of burger bars in the US. The State department predicted riots within days if the average American could not get hold of Triple bacon, quadruple cheese, four pounder MEGA burger for breakfast.
2) Copper alloy factories which make bullet cases. The loss of which would result in a shortage of supply of bullets for American gun owners. This would mean their weekend past time of ‘Shooting S*** up’ would be at an end and they may have to do something else like read a book or at least colour one in.
3) Apple orchards in New England. No apples, no apple pie, no American dream. This would be a critical situation for all American mums.
4) Saudi Arabia, yes the whole nation is vital to provide oil for the US economy. Also for the US army to be able to operate against Muslim extremists, who are sponsored by Saudi Arabia giving them money which came from oil sales to the USA. (Err hang on let me call the president on this one.)
5) Bank of China. Please please keep buying our US Treasury bonds.
6) Heaven. With the loss of heaven the Evangelist christans preachers would have nothing to offer the American masses leading to social unrest.
7) Disney Land. The loss of which would be the 3rd fairy tale myth destroyed in America after God and the American dream
Prince Williams’ Wedding is off!
George Osborne has announced that the Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton has been cancelled, because it was a waste of a valuable national asset. In a press conference he went on to explain his ideas further.
“I looked at the cost of the Royal wedding and was wondering how to save money, then it struck me in centuries gone by a Royal marriage was used to cement and alliance or provide a large infusion of cash as two nations united. Then I thought we could sale the right to marry Prince William so getting lots of money for our balance of payments. The bidding will start on ebay in January for one month the wedding date will stay the same”
It is believed that a business man from China may buy Prince William for their daughter.“I looked at the cost of the Royal wedding and was wondering how to save money, then it struck me in centuries gone by a Royal marriage was used to cement and alliance or provide a large infusion of cash as two nations united. Then I thought we could sale the right to marry Prince William so getting lots of money for our balance of payments. The bidding will start on ebay in January for one month the wedding date will stay the same”
The Red Top talked to a top toff Rupert Arsen-Lickier a self-appointed royal expert about the news he said.
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| Rupert Arsen-Lickier |
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| Future Queen of the UK ? |
“Well hopefully it will be another member of a Royal family rather than a frightful middleclass girl. Maybe a Russian Oligarch could buy Prince William for his daughter. I mean if you are trying to outdo a fellow billionaire do you buy a Western energy company? A Football team?
No you buy a Prince for your little princess and suddenly become part of European royalty.”
It is believed that Prince William could be sold for as much as £10bn.
It is believed that Prince William could be sold for as much as £10bn.
SHOCK ATTRACTIVE BUT TALENTLESS SINGER RELEASES MUSIC VIDEO SHOWING HER WITH HER CLOTHES ON.
Record Executives where fuming one said. “How can we market this tosh without having Kate writhing around the floor just in her underwear while we tell the press it has been banned on 300 TV stations while we also run a viral campaign of the video on YouTube. She won’t even pose semi naked in a pseudo lesbian tableau on her album cover.
The Red Top interviewed Kate about the decision she said. “I want to be taken seriously as a singer and the song should be judged on it musical merits not a video. I want to make it big in the World or at least 4Music.
A music producer when told of these comments said. “The only reason Kate sounds any good is because we threw more raw computer power at her original studio recording, then was used in experiments to simulate a nuclear warhead exploding.!
The Red Top has learned that if the song flops Kate will be posing in her underwear as the new face of Top Shop.
WORLD CUP EXCLUSIVE
BIDS FOR WORLD CUP 2026 ANNOUNCED
The Red Top sports team have discovered the initial nations that are going to make a bid for the 2026 World Cup. They are Antarctica, Afghanistan and MEGA Corporations United.Antarctica bid:
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| Mr Pick Uppa |
We talked exclusively to the head of the nation’s bids. For Antarctica we talked to Mr Pick Uppa, when asked about why he thought they were the best nation for the bid he said. “Well first of all the icebound land of Antarctica is a football mad land that has never actually hosted the world cup before and we think FIFA we carry on with giving the world cup to nations that want to develop football.”
When asked how a land with just 5000 people living on it can be described as a football loving he replied. “We have a large seal population have you seen the way Seal plays with balls in Water world theme parks ? They can’t get enough of it.”
When asked how a land with just 5000 people living on it can be described as a football loving he replied. “We have a large seal population have you seen the way Seal plays with balls in Water world theme parks ? They can’t get enough of it.”
When asked about the weather conditions he replied. “Some people may say -60 degree centigrade may be seen as extreme but we will building stadiums with roofs on so it should be quite warm inside. And there will be little chance of hooliganism between fans outside the stadium because they will freeze to death.
Ask what he thought was the biggest winning factor for FIFA Mr Pick Uppa said: “Well don’t forget the most crucial thing is that Antarctica sits on massive amounts of Oil, which turns into petro dollars, which frankly we can stuff into as many suitcases as FIFA wants."
Afghanistan Bid:
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| Mr I Eedee |
Afghanistan bid is being led by a Mr I Eedee he put his case for Afghanistan:
‘Well if the last ten years have proved anything it is that we can host and event involving hundreds of thousands of people from many nation coming here. We have had massive investment in our airports we can handle moving fans around the nations easily if we have enough helicopters. Also we have had a massive investment in our infrastructure and a lot of it hasn’t been blown up ."
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| The Key to the FIFA bids ? |
He continued:
"But most crucially we experts at corruption, and being able to take millions of dollars straight off the plane from donor nations and sticking it in suitcases and flying it out again. Our turnaround time for money laundering is legendary. Oh and then there is the soft focus video of a small Afghan child playing football in a dusty village which will warm the hearts of the FIFA delegates."
Mega Corporations United
Mega Corporations United bid involves corporations like Coca cola, Budweiser, McDonalds and Adidas. Their bid involves buying a small tropical Island and then building 8 stadiums and hotels on it. The leader of the bid Mr Phil Lee Cash said “Our pitch to FIFA is simple, “Cut out the Middle man and so more cash for both of us.” We don’t have to worry about government interference it will be the Branded World Cup. You will have FUN!”
The Red Top sports journalist asked if that was it for the presentation to FIFA ?
Phil Lee Cash replied. "Yup, SHOW ME THE MONEY!!. Would you like a World Cup 2026 branded pen and mug to take away ?"
GOVERNMENT INFORMATION:
Due to recent events we are reissuing this government information!
Does she look a bit like this?
SHES A SPY!
SHES A BLOODY SPY!
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY IT!
Due to recent events we are reissuing this government information!
Are you dating or married to an extremely attractive East European lady?
(This includes ASSISTANTS no matter what you want your wife and or colleagues to think)
One that everyone says is ‘Way out of your league’?
Does she look a bit like this?
Do you work for the government*, military or weapons manufacture?
(*Again you may have been in opposition a long time and forgot you are NOW IN GOVERNMENT)
Does your partner have a kindly Russian Uncle who gives her lots of gadgets like laptops, pens, watches as gifts?
When asleep at night does she say things in her sleep like ‘The bear will be hibernating in Siberia tonight’ Which you put down to maybe her feeling home sick?
Does she enjoy photography and sketching?
Does she use your secure computer account because you gave your ASSITANT your password? Claiming she is just shopping online and talking to friends online as your computer is faster than hers?
Does she have a keen interest in military equipment and strategy which you find unusual in a 24 year old female but oddly attractive to you ?
If it's yes to most of these than please be calm. Keep looking at the computer screen or newspaper and then ring MI5 on 0800404040 because
SHES A SPY!
SHES A BLOODY SPY!
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY IT!
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