THE RED TOP NEWS OCTOBER BUDGET SPECIAL

George Osborne’s makes budget speech.

Poor to CUT their own throats.

Don't give me your poor or huddled masses.

George Osborne announcement massive cuts across all government spending. However he said the most important cut was for the poor to cut their own throats, so that they would no longer be a burden on society.

Mr Osborne said ‘We require massive cuts in welfare and we believe it is every poor person patriotic duty to cut their throats and save us a fortune. We are a caring government and that is why we won’t be going around slitting their throats. No we will make their living conditions so bad that they will feel their only way out is cutting their own throats. On the plus side if they fill the 65 page D78 form they will get a free headstone. See we care.


Red Top Analysis of key budget announcements.


490,000 public sector jobs go: Boo-hoo those urban foxes will just have to find their own accommodation rather than relying on urban fox outreach workers.

BBC licence fee to be frozen for 6 years: This will result in the gap being filled by endless reruns of top gear and Jeremy Clarkson monologues. Which we in the Red Top feel is just the sort of the inspiration this nation needs.

Winter fuel allowance to be kept: Because quite frankly the conservative party needs to keep its core voters alive for the next election.

Housing benefit to be cut: This will result in people on benefit having to leave their luxury housing in Mayfair and find somewhere cheaper. Luckily the government are building new social housing….oh wait they are cutting that by 50%. Public Park it is then.

Or has the Red Top Headline reads From Park Lane to Park Bench you poor scum.

Higher Education budget cut: Don’t worry kids there is no need for higher education as you will be assembling hoovers and other domestic appliances in sweatshops for the booming Chinese economy in a couple of year’s time.

Banking sector: 8pm: Black Tie and Champaign at number 11 chin chin.

Margret Thatcher rushed to hospital after feeling sick at the cuts announced by the tory party.

Mrs Thatcher was rushed to hospital after she complained of feeling ‘Sick to the stomach’ at the size of the cuts that the coalition was going to introduce. She was quoted as saying ‘I thought my government was ruthless and cruel in the early 80’s with massive cuts in budgets, mass long term unemployment and a long recession.

But at least we had the oil money to throw away on welfare as we crushed the unions. And at least we turned the economy around from out of date manufacturing to allowing shiny cutting edge financial services to flourish, which have brought our nation to the Promised Land.’

At which point one her aids put an oxygen mask on her and asked everyone to leave.

Defence Review Unemployed penal

battalion for IED Clearing.

The Prime Minister had announced a number of changes in Britain Armed forces as part of the Defence Review. Now after the budget he announced another change. The introduction of Penal Battalions to be used in Afghanistan made up of anyone who has been unemployed for 6 months or more.

IED Seekers Allowance Battalion

Mr Cameron said. ‘Well I was watching the film Stalingrad with Gideon and we saw how the Russians used penal battalions to clear minefields. Well we had a wizo idea. Why not take all those economically inactive people and send them off to walk down Afghan roads and fields. I mean it costs a fortune to train a bomb disposal chap, while it will costs us next to nothing to send 10 members of the penal battalion through an Afghan village. Also think what the Taliban will think when they see we are quite happy to throw lives away, they will surrender within the week I tell you.

Mervyn King Governor of the Bank of England tells other central bankers

‘GO ***K Yourselves!

Mervyn King today in a speech warned of a 1930’s style collapse if policy makers were unable to agree on a way forward on currency conflict. However half way through his speech he heard that China was increasing interest rates, while the USA announced more quantitative easing so lowering the value of the dollar. On hearing the news Mr King threw away his speech and proceeded to say.

‘OK, if that’s the way you want to play it Federal Bank of America, GO ***K yourself, and you Bank of China, GO ***K yourself to. We will introduce quantitative easing ourselves; we will drive the pound so low it will be cheaper to make plastic toys in Stoke than it will be in Shanghai.

Oh and Brazil and Russia, you can go Kiss my ass.“ Now taking his jacket off and red in the face he went on. "Yeah and the European bank, you looking at me? Are you looking at me?. Go ***k yourself to.”

He then proceeded to pull £20 pounds notes out of his wallets and tearing them up shouting ‘It’s all worthless paper, it’s all worthless, a chocolate coin is worth more. We are all doomed’ He then collapsed on the stage.

The financial markets took it in their stride as they bought into gold and bought tickets to the remote tropical island they were preparing to flee to.