Coming soon a new comedy:
Banker Ted is sitting in his office of the Craggy Island Bank of Ireland. He is counting little green monopoly houses laid out on his desk. In walks Banker Dougal.
DOUGAL
TED! I have a brilliant idea.
TED
Really Dougal, as good as the one that lead to U2 moving all their cash to Holland ?
DOUGAL
Oh yeah Ted that was a mistake. But this is brilliant.
TED
Go on.
DOUGAL
Well Ted why don't we just lend lots and lots of money to people to buy property. Property prices will go up and more people will jump on the whole band wagon thing and we can lend even more.
TED
Any draw backs ?
DOUGAL
Can't think of any Ted. It's win win for our bank.
TED
Are we going to lend to just anyone ?
DOUGAL
Yes Ted, it doesn't matter. If they can't afford the property to begin with, soon the rise in property prices will mean their assets easily cover their loans. They be rich spending all their capital gains on stuff.
TED
That's brilliant Dougal. We had better just run it past the financial watchdog.
Banker Ted looks over at Financial watchdog Jack Sitting in a chair in Ted's office. He seems asleep.
TED
Watchdog Jack, could you take a look at this proposal.
Jack wakes up surprised
JACK
Feck off.
Ted hands Jack a piece of paper.
TED
There is a drink in it for you.
JACK
Drink! Drink!
Jack signs the piece of paper. Dougal hands Jack a drink with one hand while yanking the piece of paper off him with the other.
DOUGAL
(Looking at paper)
It's blank Ted ?
TED
Don't worry Dougal we just fill it in above the financial regulators signature. Lets get lending
FADE:
Some time passes.
BANKER TED'S OFFICE
DOUGAL
Well Ted it's going well, we have lent all our money but people want more.
TED
Um. Well we have reached our capital ratio limit. How to lend more ?
Ted is deep in thought, while Dougal looks confused, when in walks Mrs Doyle pushing a trolley full of cash.
TED
Ha Mrs Doyle what do you have for us today ?
MRS DOYLE
Well Banker Ted how about a nice cup of tea and €300 Million in cash from a German bank, to lend on to all those wanna be home owners?
TED
€300 Million well that's quite a lot there Mrs Doyle
Mrs Doyle dumps a huge pile of cash on Ted's Desk'
MRS DOYLE
How about a lovely £2bn from English banks.
TED
(Excitedly)
Two Billion pounds! Did you hear that Dougal. Ooh I am not sure.
MRS DOYLE
Oh go on Ted.
TED
Can we inject that amount of cash into the economy without causing problems?
MRS DOYLE
GO ON GO ON GO ON GO ON GO ON.
TED
I'm not sure.
MRS DOYLE
GO ON GO ON GO ON GO ON.
Mrs Doyle dumps a huge pile of cash on the table. You can barley see Ted sitting behind the pile.
MRS DOYLE
GO ON!
Mrs Doyle turns the trolley around and walks out. Dougal looks wide eyed at the cash.
DOUGAL
See Ted we must be doing something right. The whole of European Banking is throwing cash at us.
TED
Finally Dougal we are being respected around Europe as a serious economy.
DOUGAL
Ted can I buy the Roy Keane duvet cover and pillow case set now ?
TED
Why not Dougal, why not. I will give the Porsche showroom in Dublin a call as well. What can go wrong?
Dougal thinks then has a scared look on his face.
DOUGAL
Well it could turn out to be just a whole pyramid selling type scheme. This leads to the total collapse of the economy.
TED
Go on there Dougal.
DOUGAL
Which could result in Ireland loosing it's independence even before we celebrate a 100 years of independence.
TED
Gosh now that would be embarrassing if we did that. I hear U2 and The Corrs are practicing already for that party.
DOUGAL
We would look like a right bunch of idiots if we let happened wouldn't we Ted.
TED
We would Dougal. But look at all this cash we can't be idiots can we.
DOUGAL
No Ted we can't.
Dougal and Ted gaze at the pile of cash with big smiles on their faces. Suddenly Financial Watchdog Jack wakes up startled.
JACK
Feck!
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