THE RED TOP NEWS: EXCLUSIVE
GCHQ intercepts phone calls of the Cargo plane
bombers.
bombers.
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| GCHQ |
.
The Red Top News investigative team have obtained the transcript of the Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ ‘s ) phone intercepts of the failed Al-Qaida cargo plane bombers calling their technical team. Read exclusively the shocking truth about these evil doers.
Technical Support: Hello Jihad IT Support how can I help ?
Al-Qaida man: Hello, yes I would like to report a problem with a printer.
Technical Support: Have you tired turning it on and off ?
Al-Qaida man: Yes we did.
Technical Support: Have you made sure the paper tray is in correctly?
Al-Qaida man: The paper tray? It’s not that sort of printer. It the HP 720 God is Great printer.
Technical Support: Hang on I will just look it up on the knowledge base. OK here we are common known problems. Did you replace the standard Toner cartridge with the Toner cartridge containing Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN ) explosive ?
Al-Qaida man: Yes of course we did!
Technical Support: Ok sir calm down just doing my job and running through the check list. Did you attach a phone, watch or other similar timing device?
Al-Qaida man: Yes yes. Look can I talk to someone senior.
Technical Support: Sir sir we are just going through the checks. Did you set the printer to print A3 Landscape?
Al-Qaida man: Err hang on. Youssef did we set the printer to A3 Landscape? (Pause) No we didn’t
Technical Support: I see sir that is your problem. Setting it to A3 Landscape arms the device.
Al-Qaida man: OH sod it.
Technical Support: One other note if you set the printer to printer letter size the Printer will explode just 5 seconds later. It’s a feature. Thank you for calling.
The Red Top News will update you on any new information we get.
Britain in Shock as it discovers Stephen Fry talks Bo*****s
The people of Britain were shaken to their cores when it was discovered that Stephen Fry actually just talks Bo*****s. After he said that; “Women only have sex with men as the price worth paying for a relationship.”
A self-appointed expert in ‘Showbiz people talking crap’ Steve Smith said. ‘For years the nation has believed that Stephen Fry is an upper class, intellectual heavy weight with a rapier wit and an encyclopaedic brain with added thesaurus. However now we have discovered that he is just some bloke, who went to Cambridge, tells a few gags, is good at scrabble and just has a good memory of things he read on Wikipedia.”The people of Britain were shaken to their cores when it was discovered that Stephen Fry actually just talks Bo*****s. After he said that; “Women only have sex with men as the price worth paying for a relationship.”
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| Paper uses unflattering picture in attempt to justify story. |
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| Sharon talks about Fry |
The Red Top News sent a reporter to talk to your average female night clubber out on a Saturday night. We interviewed Sharon at a London nightclub about what she thought of Mr Fry’s comment.
She said ‘I’m not sure what that Fry bloke is on about, there is nothing better on a Saturday night then going to my favourite night club; STD’s and having 6 white wine spritzers then talking to some bloke I just met and going home and shagging him. I mean it’s better than sitting at home watching X-Factor or something and crying into my Haagen Dazs, ain’t it! Perhaps he should go clubbing with me and the girls’
The Queen as declared a day of national mourning for its loss of a well loved genius.
ADVERTISMENT
ONLINE BETTING CORP
(Giving customers the illusion of control of their financial destiny since 2001)
I will predict successfully the half time score of my favourite team’s football game this weekend.I will tell my wife that the £300 going out the bank account was for important car repairs
I will raid the children’s xmas money fund.
I will break into the childrens piggy banks in a last desperate bid to win back some of my losses.
I will give the keys of the house back to the bank.
I will hang myself.
Red Squirrels demand an apology from Harriet Harman.
Today the head of the Red squirrel community Mr S.Nutkin has demanded an apology from Harriet Harman after she compared Red hair rodents to the coalition Treasury secretary Danny Alexander.
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| Squirrel Butkin: Keynesian economist or just nuts ? |
Mr Nutkin said. ‘This is an absolute disgrace comparing us to Mr Alexander who is soon to be one of the most vilified incompetent politicians in our nation’s history.
I mean even I can see the fundamental flaws in pursuing a liberal free market agenda during a global economic crises, a policy that was tried in the 1930’s during similar economic conditions which lead to terrible economic times.” Mr Nutkin then coughs looked nervously around and nibbled on a nut before adding. ‘But then I am just a squirrel.
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| YES ANOTHER EXCUSE TO PRINT A PICTURE OF KAREN GILLIAN |
He went on. "All I am saying is why we can’t be compared to a nice Scottish red head like Karen Gillian. I have had enough of these politicians they don’t know what they are on about. All I will say is ‘NUTS to them.’
Economic News:
Prostitutes in Manchester rejoice at predicted rise in future earnings.
Prostitutes in Manchester say that see bright times ahead with forecasts of 50% rise in profits over the next 5 years. Especially amongst their older more established practitioners. Spokesmen said “I guess this is what they call the trickle down effect’. Divorce lawyers also predicted some good times ahead.
ADVERTISMENT:
Lords Bank (Giving people an illusion of control of their finances since 1756)
For years we suggested for “The Journey” all you needed to do was invest in property and watch the value soar. We even suggested taking some of the equity out to enjoy some good times during “The Journey” Hey take a credit card out and enjoy cheap money on “The Journey”
SAVE for GOD’s SAKE
SAVE.
Even though we are offering a rate that barely covers you for the rise in inflation. SAVE (sob) please.
Want a mortgage for when things change in your life on “The Journey”? Well show us you have a 20% deposit. Because quite frankly in a worse case housing price crash, we want the first 20% of losses to be your money.
Lords Bank for the “The Journey”. Which when you think about it actually ends with your inevitable death, but we don’t show that in our adverts because we DO money not philosophy.
Tea Party Movement announce Foreign policy initiative
to restore American Pride.
INVADE PUERTO RICO!
With the upcoming US mid-term elections and an eye on the next presidential elections the Tea Party movement’s spokesman Sarah Palin has declared the best way to restore American battered pride was to, quote; “Invade a nation which we have a chance of beating in a week.”
She went on to say that a successful show of military force that would last a week would perfectly match a Tea Party members attention span for difficult news stories, and would get people waving the stars and stripes again. With a home coming parade, 6 films and 8 TV mini-series about the invasion. The nation will once again be filled with pride and be able hold its head up high.
In preparing the public for the invasion Fox News has started running a series of programs entitled ‘PUERTO RICO, home of Islamic ,Communist, freedom haters.”
When the Red Top’s American correspondent pointed out to Sarah Palin that Puerto Rico was already an area which belongs to the United States, she responded. ‘Really I did not know that. I was just looking at a inflatable beachball with the image of the earth on it and just picked a small Island .Well that means we can still us the dollar I guess when we get there.”
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