The Red Top News Dec 2014

GOD admits hacking 20th Century Fox

In a Red Top Exclusive God has admitted hacking into 20^th Century Fox film studios, because of their depiction of him in the Ridley Scott’s latest film Exodus: Gods and Kings.

 

God spoke to The Red Top News and said: “I was outraged by the portrayal of me in this movie, it shows me as some vengeful nutter, sending plagues of Locust, turning water into blood and most despicable  of all, killing the first born children of an entire nation. During the period this film is set, I was at the time in fact designing Kim Kardashian.(I missed placed the design and it took me 2000 earth years to find it again.) Anyway I warn those people at FOX any attempt to release this film you will see them all get a ticket to Hell. Running time Eternity with no popcorn!

(Ed. Apologies our picture editor seems to have left all pictures of Kim Kardashian on his home PC)

War on Terror Going well!

 No really it is.

After 13 years of the war on Terror the NATO troops are coming home. With all the blood and treasure spent (Ed. Err why do the media use that phase “blood and treasure” as though we are talking to a 10 year old ? What we mean is with all the dead and wounded troops and billions spent.) we look back at how western forces have reduced the terrorist threat.

 At the beginning of the 21^st Century the Islamic terrorist threat was a couple of thousand men in the mountains of Afghanistan.

 

They were armed with small arms, maybe a few millions dollars and training camps which looked a like an adventure playground.

 

 Now after years of warfare we have reduce them to this.

 

Wait hang on they have trucks, and err tanks!!.

 

 

And rockets

They now occupy territory bigger than Wales!.

 

They are exporting Oil at a rate of a Millions dollars a week. They have a better balance of payments than most Western economies. Their social media campaign would put a lot of companies to shame!

Err we will come back to this one.

 

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Bankers from Sinners to Saints ?

Nope it's a Christmas cracker joke and it is on us.

In 2008 the world economy just survived a nervous breakdown in the international financial system. Trillions of dollars of tax payers money was used to shore up the systems, leaving many nations with massive increases in their national debt. (Ed. I thought that was caused by illegal immigrants living on benefit street?!) We now look at how the last 6 years have progressed with sounder more sensible financial policies as the banks have mended their earlier ways of casino banking.

Pork scratching each others backs.

 

Err well there were one of two minor issues.

1) Interest rates being fixed, the Interbank rate was fixed, banks were shown to have colluded and carried out fraud to set the rate for their advantage.

2) Then there was currency rate fixing where at least 15 banks again colluded to discuss types and volumes of trades they were going to make.

3) Oh and then there was the Gold Fixing err fixing scandal, where the gold price was manipulated for the advantage of major banks.

 

So no change there then.

 

Merry Xmas from the Red Top News and Happy New Year.

 

 

(Just look at the cute puppy and kitten)

 

 

 

The Red Top News November 2014

Middle East Crisis

The rise of ISIS in Syria and its rapid spread across Iraq has resulted in the US and other coalition partners taking action. So the situation we have is Extreme Sunni’s fighting Shia, Kurds, Alawawite and Christians. But then we have moderate Sunni’s also fighting  Shia in Iraq and Alwawites in Syria. With Sunni governments around the middle east fighting ISIS. While others in the same countries are funding ISIS. While all this fighting is going on Israel looks on. Clear ?

The Red Top Says err F****D

Ebola disease spreads across West Africa

The Ebola outbreak is spreading rapidly across West Africa. Rapid coordinated international action will nip this in the bud. Yeah right that's happening. The Red Top Says F****D

 

Prospects for the World Economy

In the last 6 years since the crash of 2008 we have seen record low interest rates across the world and central banks pouring billions of dollars into their economies, and now the IMF predicts falling world growth. The Red Top Says F****D

A reader's letter about the new The Red Top News

“Thank you  The Red Top News for your concise reporting. I can now spend a mere 5 minutes reading about world events. Yet I can then speak with authority about the news in the pub with my mates or at the water cooler with my work colleges.”

Kind Regards

Don T Care

Parliamentary powers of the United Kingdom

In the Scottish independence referendum, panic promises were made by political leaders to give more powers to the Scottish parliament. This has led to the Welsh Assembly demanding more powers; English MP’s demanding a rump parliament and the right to have the English MP's voting on English laws.

 

The Red Top Says F****D

Ukraine

Western powers thought they were being clever by overthrowing the Ukraine government of Viktor Yanukovych. Russia’s president Putin up the stakes but seizing Crimea and backing rebels in Eastern Ukraine. 

 

Now Ukraine has lost control of its eastern border, reliant on Russian gas supplies, and in debt. Oh but at least there is possible EU membership.

The Red Top Says err totally F****D

 

 

The Red Top News September 2013

CAMBO ATTACKS SYRIA

I say chaps Uzi 9mm anyone ?

After an embarrassing parliamentary defeat for David Cameron over military action in Syria, that has left the UK with a loss of authority on the world stage, turned Britain into a 3rd rate power and ended our Empire (Err think that was lost ages ago. Ed). 

Mr Cameron has decided to sort out the Syrian civil war himself. The PM stood at the steps of Downing street dressed in a desert camouflage uniform, armed with a Heavy machine gun and a couple of RPG’s strapped to his back and spoke to the waiting press, he said; “If parliament is too cowardly to act I am going to kill Assad myself!” He was then seen running down Whitehall shouting “I’ll be BACK!”. The world waits to see if he can sort out the issues, in other news house prices rise………

UK FORCES BOMB BADGERS 

The Prime Minister announced on TV that our Armed Forces had launched attacks by land, sea and air on Badger Setts around the West Country. In the announcement he said, “We cannot stand idly by as these evil creatures use chemical weapons to spread TB to brave British cows, that is why today I signed an executive order to launch strikes against their bases.”

The Red Top spoke to a senior source within Downing Street who told us why the decision was made, they said; “Well we had got geared up for the strikes on Syria, we had the COBRA room setup, we had little NATO and Union flags on the conference table, the best bottled water, video links to our Military HQ’s and even, very exciting this, a direct link to the White house. We were already to sweep into Whitehall and make the big decisions; it was going to be just like the movies.

Then Parliament spoiled it all. So as we sat around the table someone said, “As we are all here shall we just bomb the crap out the badgers and settle the cull argument once and for all.” So we did.”

The Red Top talked to a Farmer in Somerset about the strikes, he told us what he saw; “Well my lover, I was walking in my fields when this cruise missile thing came right over me, and blew the Badger sett sky high. Did a proper job on it, no mistake.”

UK growth up! House Prices up! Good times are back no DEBT about it.

The Treasury have reported that GDP has soared ahead to 1.3%. The chancellor said that it showed that zero rate interest rates and £375 Billion of quantitative easing have really got the economy roaring ahead. Asked by The Red Top's Economics Reporter Phil D. Gloom, what would happen if interest rates went up by say 1%, the Chancellor George Osborne went a bit pale, puked over his desk and said “Are you ****ing mad that would be like taking the bag of coke away the cocaine addict. Cold Turkey does not win you elections.

Back to the old Plan.

Our reporter than asked Mr Osborne about surging house prices, the Chancellor  said it was a stunning example of how the economy was improving and people would feel a little bit richer just before election time. Asked what would happen if he removed his scheme for first time buyers as everyone says its distorting the market, the chancellor turned green and puked some more. 

Before replying; “Are you here just to bust my balls, the British people have had their real incomes fall in the last few years, the only way we can make them feel richer is if their house prices rise, which is only possible by convincing other people to get massively in debt and join the property ladder.”

Phil D. Gloom put one final question to the Chancellor, he said “Chancellor do you think there is a link between the rise in retail sales and err the 3.7%  rise in consumer debt ?”. The chancellor responded by groaning and banging his head repeatedly on the desk.

The Syria crisis Red Top Guide in 7 Steps .

1) Evil dictator who needs to be overthrown as he keeps the religious majority suppressed.

2) Western powers backs rebels in civil war.

3) Then West sees that a lot of the rebels are religious extremists, so hold back support.

4) Evil Dictator uses chemical weapons.

5) West decides something must be done!

6) The west realizes that over throwing dictator would stop him using chemical weapons on his own people, but result in religious extremists having chemical weapons they can use anywhere.

7) West ROWS BACK !

In breaking news Assad has announced that his government have been inspired by the votes by the UK and US democracies over the use of airstrikes. And his own parliament has voted over chemical strikes on civilians. It would appear that 150% of Syrian parliamentarians are in favor. So that's ok then.

MRS THATCHER DEATH 

Some of our readers have asked why no The Red Top News special about the amazing carer of Baroness Thatcher. Well we are simply still to grief stricken to write anything, our tears leave puddles on the keyboard. But soon once the tissues have dried those tears we shall pay tribute.

Red Top News April 2013

Everyone on Benefits should be imprisoned NOW!

It is quite clear to The Red Top News that every person on benefits are criminals and so should be locked up straight away. (Beat that Daily Mail) For too long this nation has been turning a blind eye to this criminal behavior of claiming benefits, which is just plain theft as far as we are concerned (Ed. Err are we including Pensions, child benefit etc in this ?)

Typical Benefit family. RED TOP FACT!

We may not have enough prison cells at the moment but we can get those on benefits to build their own cells, and once these poor houses err we mean prisons are built we will have solved the housing shortage problem as well.

Just think how we can all then walk safely around our streets knowing that they have been cleansed of this welfare scum. Don’t forget these parasites are responsible for the Economic recession, loss of the British Empire and probably the long cold snap we have been having.

Please note we are not talking about those lovely benefits like pensions and winter allowance (Ed. Err perhaps we should get our economic reporter to check the ‘Lovely benefits’ thing)

North Korea challenges South Korea to a Dance off ‘ Gangnam Style’

Kim Jung-Un practicing the moves.

In a shock announcement North Korea’s leader Kim Jung-Un as announced that he wishes to settle the dispute between the two Korea's not with war but a dance off. The dance off would be conducted all along the entire demilitarized zone on the 38th parallel with the two nations entire populations facing each other, the winner picked by 21 dance judges selected by the UN from around the world.

At a press conference Kim Jung-Un said “We wish to dance to Gangnam Style as it’s an internationally recognized dance song, so the world can clearly judge who the best nation is. If we lose we will sign a peace treaty and give up our nuclear program. If we win we will sign a peace deal but keep our nuclear program. Also we would want a Disney Park, free coca cola, a NBA basketball team, Angela Jolene , Ben and Jerry’s ice cream…(He was cut off by his adviser at this point)

South Korea worried that North Korea are way head in choreography

A US spokesman said it showed how out of touch North Korea was as it was well know that Gangnam was so last year and it should be the Harlem Shake. However The Red Top has learned that South Korea has told its population to watch Gangnam on Youtube and get practicing. 
(For our older readers you can find the song here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0  )

Sunderland sacks manager because they wanted a real fascist.

Sunderland has announced the sacking of Paulo Di Canio as they were disappointed that he claims he is no longer a fascist. The Sunderland chairman said “We wanted a real fascist to implement strict discipline, as the Premiership is a battle of the survival of the fittest and we will not be defeated. This is why we have now appointed Benito Mussolini as our manager. To victory II Duce”

"I will replace the home kit with Black Shirts"

The Red Top has learned that another struggle Premiership team is looking to appoint a fascist manager. The chairman who wished to remain anonymous told The Red Top; “We have seen what is going on at Sunderland and decided we need a dictator at our club. So we have approached Adolf Hitler to become our new manager. He was dominating in German for over 10 years and did well in Europe, so as you can see we are already looking to avoiding relegation and challenging the top 4.”

Duncan Smith Challenges Poor to live on £1000 a week!

Ian Duncan Smith the Work and Pensions Secretary has come out fighting after being challenge to live on £58 a week. Mr Duncan Smith said at a press conference “I challenge the feckless poor to live on £1000 a week. I don’t think they will manage it, as they would be dead by the second day having consumed huge amounts of Special Brew, cigarettes , Heroin and big Macs.” 

This man said he would take up the challenge. (A real person on benefit . Red Top FACT)

Opposing views were expressed about arrogant and out of touch rich Tory blah blah blah. But we at The Red Top won’t report such left wing drivel.

Social Scientists defines 7 social classes to fight each other.

Social Scientists have come up with a new way to define class. Previously there were 3 classes Upper, Middle and Working class. But now there appears to be 7. 

One of the scientists involved in the research Prof Hugh Genics said “Well we were most concerned that the bottom 99% of the population would unite against the top 1% and we would have social unrest. But now we have divided that mass into 6 classes so hopefully they will spend their lives fighting among themselves or at list being bitter & twisted with each other at dinner parties.” 

The Red Top asked a leading expert on class a Mr K Marx his thoughts on the new class system. He said “Emergent service workers, New Affluent workers of the world unite…oh wait I have missed some of them. Where was I? Emergent service workers, New Aff…oh sod it, just not catchy anymore.”

Red Top News April2012

Government fuel crisis was a bet

A Red Top Investigation has discovered that the crisis at the fuel pumps before Easter was in fact a result of a bet between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor. Where the Prime Minister thought from his experience of public relations it would be really easy to manipulate the public into a panic, while the Chancellor thought it would take much more than a few comments from the government to cause chaos. 

Crikey they are sheep haha.

On being told of the discovery of the bet by The Red Top News the Prime Minister David Cameron commented; “Yes yes, it’s all true I was sitting with George the Chancellor and I told him that I thought it would only take a few comments from a couple of plummy voice people and the lower classes would run around like mindless sheep in a panic. George and I sat there drinking champagne while watching the news as people queued for hours at the pumps, we had a jolly good laugh.

The Red Top has also discovered that the government’s next scare story is going to say that all poor and unemployed people are in fact Zombies and must be hacked to death. The government  are hoping this scare with greatly reduce the social security bill as people rush to B&Q to buy axes and then go on the rampage.

God to apply for Archbishop of Canterbury job

In an unexpected development God has thrown its hat into the ring and said it will apply for the job of Archbishop of Canterbury and head of the Church of England.

GOD speaks to The Red Top News

Talking to our reporter via a burning bush in Hyde Park God told us the reason for applying. “Well mortal it’s like this. I thought it was time to get back to the floor and get things back on track. I am getting a bit sick of people trying to interpret what I think. I tried to make it easy with 10 rules, not much to ask is it but no. Endless debates about pointless things. Anyway as head of the Church of England it will give me chance to try out a few things before heading off to Rome. Yes it is the same god, same corporation just different brands!”

And on the 7th Day God took his credit card and went shopping.

Asked if there were any other reasons he had pick the Church of England, God said. “Yes the Sunday trading laws in England .I think there is a great opportunity for synergy between the spiritual and mammon corporate sectors. Basically I will allow all day shopping trading hours on Sunday, however the consumer will need to spend an hour at church before being allowed to go to a shopping Mall. People will do anything if it means they can by the iPhone or Gucci bag. I mean they spend hours in church trying to get there kids into a “good” school. So its win win for church and shop owner.

Oik’s to be introduced into The Boat Race

After the disruption of the University boat race by a swimmer, organisers have announced that although it was a disgrace that such an interruption to a great British tradition happened. It did make it the most interesting boat race ever. So from next year new rules will be introduced, they were explained by 

Row row down the plebs.

Sir Russell Groupen head of the boat race he said; “Well people have complained that it’s elitist that the top two Universities in the country every year compete in a boat race that is televised and part of the social calendar, to the exclusion of all others. So from next year 24 people from lower educational institutions will be selected and allowed to compete. 

These 24 people will be thrown into the Thames at random points along the race course and it’s then up to them to try and disrupt the two boats. Of course to make it slightly fairer on Oxford and Cambridge the boats will have sharpened oars and harpoons. It really it death or glory for the swimmers, and it will be lesson to all those people watching to know their place in the social order. Have you seen or read The hunger games? Marvelous idea.

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Syrian President to become King

The president of Syria Bashar al-Assad has declared that he will now become King of Syria. Asked why he has made the decision he said. “Well I noticed that all across the Middle East dictators are being toppled while Monarchs of Middle East Kingdoms who have much more repressive laws for their people, seemed to be allowed to carry on without a word being said. So from today I am King Assad of the Kingdom of Syria. 

The President is dead long live the King.

On hearing the news the head of the British Foreign Office Sir John Bull said. “A new King, that  is jolly good news just the sort of respectable, shining example to his people and the world that the Syrian people need. He shall be invited to a state visit to the palace as soon as possible.”

When the Red Top told King Assad the news about his new found respectability in the international community he said. “Hey I am not surprised it’s a f***** up world. I’m the same person but with a crown, anyone would think that certain monarchs in Western Europe would not be to happy if Kingdoms start getting overthrown in the Middle East. We Alawites aren’t stupid you know.”

The World in 2012

While other news organizations look back at the terrible year of 2011 the Red Top looks forward to the bright new dawn that is 2012. In fact we will be looking into the future with a glazed far off look at the horizon with an expression of wonder on our face. Get use to that look its Olympic advertising year.

Read the predication of our experts in Current affairs, economics and popular culture for 2012.

London Olympics – London is the Olympic flame.

With security services on high alert on the day of the opening ceremony of the Olympics, tragedy strikes as the Olympic torch bearer is shot after being mistaken for a rioter as they run through the City of London. 

The torch bearer staggered around for a couple of minutes setting fire to a number of buildings, the fire quickly gets out of control as all the emergency services were at the Olympic site in Stratford, within hours the entire City of London and West End are engulfed in flames, still many tourists believe it’s part of the ceremony and take pictures before being consumed by the flames.  

The Great fire of London 2012 is voted best Olympic opening ceremony ever.

Kate is a Goddess official.

After the chaos of the fire in London bands of right wing vigilantes go on the hunt for foreigners who may have caused the fire. They stumble across the Royal family trying to get their possession out of Buckingham palace, on discovering that they are German the mob attack and the Royals are hacked to death, however Kate Middleton is spared and is declared the new ‘Mother Goddess’ and carried on a golden throne to a newly built ‘Stonehenge’ on the ruins on Westminster Abbey as Londoners go Pagan in the ruins of the capital.

The Market declared an official religion.

The lord moves in less mysterious ways than The Market

Leaders of the main religions of the world announce that they now accept ‘The Market’ as an official religion. The head of International Mega Investment Bank said ; “Yes finally it is recognised we are doing god’s work and at a quite reasonable management charge of 15%. The Markets are followed by more people than all the other religions combined. Just think how much more The Markets were mentioned at Christmas than the birth of that bloke we were meant to be celebrating, says it all really."

The Head of the Bank of England Mervyn King on hearing the news climbed on the roof of the Stock Exchange while wearing only a loin cloth and carrying a human skull. Standing on the roof he shouted out; “Yes oh great The Market we give you a sacrifice of 1 Million Virgin workers, 1 million young people who have never had a well-paid full time job. Feed on them oh great The Market, so you may grow strong again.” 

A similar scene could be found at the US Federal bank and the European Central bank where bankers could be seen dancing around bonfires of credit default swap contracts.

ITV’s new talent Show The only way is Esse X-Factor

ITV reveals a new Reality/talent show; ‘The only way is Esse X-Factor’. Where other counties of England perform in front of a panel of Judges to show they are as tacky, vacuous, and morally bankrupt and permanently faked tanned as Essex. Each week five counties will go head to head in front of 4 judges, a talentless boy band singer, a sarcastic former newspaper editor, a D list celeb from Essex and a gormless beautician/glamour model. 

The Cornwall team have work to do on their image.

Highlights of the first show include a Devon farmer who tries to Pimp his tractor, a pasty face trio of girls from Warwickshire who attempt to use a Sandwich toaster to get a tan while having affairs with each other’s boyfriends and a bloke from Yorkshire who tries to turn a rundown working man’s club into a trendy drug infested, cattle market nightclub. The winning county gets twinned with Benidorm.

Euro Vision Song Contest – Sing for your supper.

The 2012 Euro Vision Contest has a new twist as Nations sing in front of Bankers and Hedge funds not for points but for cash. Watch to see if nations go for a dramatic performance to show they are still strong or maybe go for a cute kid’s choir dressed in rags for the sympathy vote. 

Of course the most dramatic part will be the vote, watch the faces of the people of Greece as the Vote from Mega Bank comes in; “These are the cash injections from the Mega Bank jury, Germany ten billion euros, France five billions euros, Greece no money.” It’s pure entertainment gold, as there is no actual gold left in all of Europe.

US Presidential elections – Republican Mickey Mouse wins.

Any jokes about a  Mickey Mouse organization will lead to WAR.

In a dramatic US Presidential election year the Republicans went for a surprise candidate Mickey Mouse, as he was the only candidate that represented true American values and could still produce the American dream like he does at Disneyland. Mickey and his vice presidential candidate Donald Duck romped home in the Presidential Election with 90% of the vote. Tinker Bell was put in charge of the Federal Reserve and Mickey was sure her magic wand would solve all the economic problems.

Liberals Tweet “OMG! What have we done.”

After poor by-election results and poll ratings the entire Liberal parliamentary party commit suicide by drinking strychnine in organic apple juice. From the suicide note left at the scene they said they could no longer live with themselves for support a right wing Tory Party. 

Ironically in the by-elections that follow a new right wing party called the National Socialist Party wins every seat, it also wins election after election across Europe.

And finally

After another terrible year economically for Europe the leaders of Europe produce a combined end of 2012 message. A picture of a cute cat. Ahhh.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE RED TOP NEWS