The World in 2012

While other news organizations look back at the terrible year of 2011 the Red Top looks forward to the bright new dawn that is 2012. In fact we will be looking into the future with a glazed far off look at the horizon with an expression of wonder on our face. Get use to that look its Olympic advertising year.

Read the predication of our experts in Current affairs, economics and popular culture for 2012.

London Olympics – London is the Olympic flame.

With security services on high alert on the day of the opening ceremony of the Olympics, tragedy strikes as the Olympic torch bearer is shot after being mistaken for a rioter as they run through the City of London. 

The torch bearer staggered around for a couple of minutes setting fire to a number of buildings, the fire quickly gets out of control as all the emergency services were at the Olympic site in Stratford, within hours the entire City of London and West End are engulfed in flames, still many tourists believe it’s part of the ceremony and take pictures before being consumed by the flames.  

The Great fire of London 2012 is voted best Olympic opening ceremony ever.

Kate is a Goddess official.

After the chaos of the fire in London bands of right wing vigilantes go on the hunt for foreigners who may have caused the fire. They stumble across the Royal family trying to get their possession out of Buckingham palace, on discovering that they are German the mob attack and the Royals are hacked to death, however Kate Middleton is spared and is declared the new ‘Mother Goddess’ and carried on a golden throne to a newly built ‘Stonehenge’ on the ruins on Westminster Abbey as Londoners go Pagan in the ruins of the capital.

The Market declared an official religion.

The lord moves in less mysterious ways than The Market

Leaders of the main religions of the world announce that they now accept ‘The Market’ as an official religion. The head of International Mega Investment Bank said ; “Yes finally it is recognised we are doing god’s work and at a quite reasonable management charge of 15%. The Markets are followed by more people than all the other religions combined. Just think how much more The Markets were mentioned at Christmas than the birth of that bloke we were meant to be celebrating, says it all really."

The Head of the Bank of England Mervyn King on hearing the news climbed on the roof of the Stock Exchange while wearing only a loin cloth and carrying a human skull. Standing on the roof he shouted out; “Yes oh great The Market we give you a sacrifice of 1 Million Virgin workers, 1 million young people who have never had a well-paid full time job. Feed on them oh great The Market, so you may grow strong again.” 

A similar scene could be found at the US Federal bank and the European Central bank where bankers could be seen dancing around bonfires of credit default swap contracts.

ITV’s new talent Show The only way is Esse X-Factor

ITV reveals a new Reality/talent show; ‘The only way is Esse X-Factor’. Where other counties of England perform in front of a panel of Judges to show they are as tacky, vacuous, and morally bankrupt and permanently faked tanned as Essex. Each week five counties will go head to head in front of 4 judges, a talentless boy band singer, a sarcastic former newspaper editor, a D list celeb from Essex and a gormless beautician/glamour model. 

The Cornwall team have work to do on their image.

Highlights of the first show include a Devon farmer who tries to Pimp his tractor, a pasty face trio of girls from Warwickshire who attempt to use a Sandwich toaster to get a tan while having affairs with each other’s boyfriends and a bloke from Yorkshire who tries to turn a rundown working man’s club into a trendy drug infested, cattle market nightclub. The winning county gets twinned with Benidorm.

Euro Vision Song Contest – Sing for your supper.

The 2012 Euro Vision Contest has a new twist as Nations sing in front of Bankers and Hedge funds not for points but for cash. Watch to see if nations go for a dramatic performance to show they are still strong or maybe go for a cute kid’s choir dressed in rags for the sympathy vote. 

Of course the most dramatic part will be the vote, watch the faces of the people of Greece as the Vote from Mega Bank comes in; “These are the cash injections from the Mega Bank jury, Germany ten billion euros, France five billions euros, Greece no money.” It’s pure entertainment gold, as there is no actual gold left in all of Europe.

US Presidential elections – Republican Mickey Mouse wins.

Any jokes about a  Mickey Mouse organization will lead to WAR.

In a dramatic US Presidential election year the Republicans went for a surprise candidate Mickey Mouse, as he was the only candidate that represented true American values and could still produce the American dream like he does at Disneyland. Mickey and his vice presidential candidate Donald Duck romped home in the Presidential Election with 90% of the vote. Tinker Bell was put in charge of the Federal Reserve and Mickey was sure her magic wand would solve all the economic problems.

Liberals Tweet “OMG! What have we done.”

After poor by-election results and poll ratings the entire Liberal parliamentary party commit suicide by drinking strychnine in organic apple juice. From the suicide note left at the scene they said they could no longer live with themselves for support a right wing Tory Party. 

Ironically in the by-elections that follow a new right wing party called the National Socialist Party wins every seat, it also wins election after election across Europe.

And finally

After another terrible year economically for Europe the leaders of Europe produce a combined end of 2012 message. A picture of a cute cat. Ahhh.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE RED TOP NEWS