The Red Top News September 2013

CAMBO ATTACKS SYRIA

I say chaps Uzi 9mm anyone ?

After an embarrassing parliamentary defeat for David Cameron over military action in Syria, that has left the UK with a loss of authority on the world stage, turned Britain into a 3rd rate power and ended our Empire (Err think that was lost ages ago. Ed). 

Mr Cameron has decided to sort out the Syrian civil war himself. The PM stood at the steps of Downing street dressed in a desert camouflage uniform, armed with a Heavy machine gun and a couple of RPG’s strapped to his back and spoke to the waiting press, he said; “If parliament is too cowardly to act I am going to kill Assad myself!” He was then seen running down Whitehall shouting “I’ll be BACK!”. The world waits to see if he can sort out the issues, in other news house prices rise………

UK FORCES BOMB BADGERS 

The Prime Minister announced on TV that our Armed Forces had launched attacks by land, sea and air on Badger Setts around the West Country. In the announcement he said, “We cannot stand idly by as these evil creatures use chemical weapons to spread TB to brave British cows, that is why today I signed an executive order to launch strikes against their bases.”

The Red Top spoke to a senior source within Downing Street who told us why the decision was made, they said; “Well we had got geared up for the strikes on Syria, we had the COBRA room setup, we had little NATO and Union flags on the conference table, the best bottled water, video links to our Military HQ’s and even, very exciting this, a direct link to the White house. We were already to sweep into Whitehall and make the big decisions; it was going to be just like the movies.

Then Parliament spoiled it all. So as we sat around the table someone said, “As we are all here shall we just bomb the crap out the badgers and settle the cull argument once and for all.” So we did.”

The Red Top talked to a Farmer in Somerset about the strikes, he told us what he saw; “Well my lover, I was walking in my fields when this cruise missile thing came right over me, and blew the Badger sett sky high. Did a proper job on it, no mistake.”

UK growth up! House Prices up! Good times are back no DEBT about it.

The Treasury have reported that GDP has soared ahead to 1.3%. The chancellor said that it showed that zero rate interest rates and £375 Billion of quantitative easing have really got the economy roaring ahead. Asked by The Red Top's Economics Reporter Phil D. Gloom, what would happen if interest rates went up by say 1%, the Chancellor George Osborne went a bit pale, puked over his desk and said “Are you ****ing mad that would be like taking the bag of coke away the cocaine addict. Cold Turkey does not win you elections.

Back to the old Plan.

Our reporter than asked Mr Osborne about surging house prices, the Chancellor  said it was a stunning example of how the economy was improving and people would feel a little bit richer just before election time. Asked what would happen if he removed his scheme for first time buyers as everyone says its distorting the market, the chancellor turned green and puked some more. 

Before replying; “Are you here just to bust my balls, the British people have had their real incomes fall in the last few years, the only way we can make them feel richer is if their house prices rise, which is only possible by convincing other people to get massively in debt and join the property ladder.”

Phil D. Gloom put one final question to the Chancellor, he said “Chancellor do you think there is a link between the rise in retail sales and err the 3.7%  rise in consumer debt ?”. The chancellor responded by groaning and banging his head repeatedly on the desk.

The Syria crisis Red Top Guide in 7 Steps .

1) Evil dictator who needs to be overthrown as he keeps the religious majority suppressed.

2) Western powers backs rebels in civil war.

3) Then West sees that a lot of the rebels are religious extremists, so hold back support.

4) Evil Dictator uses chemical weapons.

5) West decides something must be done!

6) The west realizes that over throwing dictator would stop him using chemical weapons on his own people, but result in religious extremists having chemical weapons they can use anywhere.

7) West ROWS BACK !

In breaking news Assad has announced that his government have been inspired by the votes by the UK and US democracies over the use of airstrikes. And his own parliament has voted over chemical strikes on civilians. It would appear that 150% of Syrian parliamentarians are in favor. So that's ok then.

MRS THATCHER DEATH 

Some of our readers have asked why no The Red Top News special about the amazing carer of Baroness Thatcher. Well we are simply still to grief stricken to write anything, our tears leave puddles on the keyboard. But soon once the tissues have dried those tears we shall pay tribute.