Red Top News April 2013

Everyone on Benefits should be imprisoned NOW!

It is quite clear to The Red Top News that every person on benefits are criminals and so should be locked up straight away. (Beat that Daily Mail) For too long this nation has been turning a blind eye to this criminal behavior of claiming benefits, which is just plain theft as far as we are concerned (Ed. Err are we including Pensions, child benefit etc in this ?)

Typical Benefit family. RED TOP FACT!

We may not have enough prison cells at the moment but we can get those on benefits to build their own cells, and once these poor houses err we mean prisons are built we will have solved the housing shortage problem as well.

Just think how we can all then walk safely around our streets knowing that they have been cleansed of this welfare scum. Don’t forget these parasites are responsible for the Economic recession, loss of the British Empire and probably the long cold snap we have been having.

Please note we are not talking about those lovely benefits like pensions and winter allowance (Ed. Err perhaps we should get our economic reporter to check the ‘Lovely benefits’ thing)

North Korea challenges South Korea to a Dance off ‘ Gangnam Style’

Kim Jung-Un practicing the moves.

In a shock announcement North Korea’s leader Kim Jung-Un as announced that he wishes to settle the dispute between the two Korea's not with war but a dance off. The dance off would be conducted all along the entire demilitarized zone on the 38th parallel with the two nations entire populations facing each other, the winner picked by 21 dance judges selected by the UN from around the world.

At a press conference Kim Jung-Un said “We wish to dance to Gangnam Style as it’s an internationally recognized dance song, so the world can clearly judge who the best nation is. If we lose we will sign a peace treaty and give up our nuclear program. If we win we will sign a peace deal but keep our nuclear program. Also we would want a Disney Park, free coca cola, a NBA basketball team, Angela Jolene , Ben and Jerry’s ice cream…(He was cut off by his adviser at this point)

South Korea worried that North Korea are way head in choreography

A US spokesman said it showed how out of touch North Korea was as it was well know that Gangnam was so last year and it should be the Harlem Shake. However The Red Top has learned that South Korea has told its population to watch Gangnam on Youtube and get practicing. 
(For our older readers you can find the song here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0  )

Sunderland sacks manager because they wanted a real fascist.

Sunderland has announced the sacking of Paulo Di Canio as they were disappointed that he claims he is no longer a fascist. The Sunderland chairman said “We wanted a real fascist to implement strict discipline, as the Premiership is a battle of the survival of the fittest and we will not be defeated. This is why we have now appointed Benito Mussolini as our manager. To victory II Duce”

"I will replace the home kit with Black Shirts"

The Red Top has learned that another struggle Premiership team is looking to appoint a fascist manager. The chairman who wished to remain anonymous told The Red Top; “We have seen what is going on at Sunderland and decided we need a dictator at our club. So we have approached Adolf Hitler to become our new manager. He was dominating in German for over 10 years and did well in Europe, so as you can see we are already looking to avoiding relegation and challenging the top 4.”

Duncan Smith Challenges Poor to live on £1000 a week!

Ian Duncan Smith the Work and Pensions Secretary has come out fighting after being challenge to live on £58 a week. Mr Duncan Smith said at a press conference “I challenge the feckless poor to live on £1000 a week. I don’t think they will manage it, as they would be dead by the second day having consumed huge amounts of Special Brew, cigarettes , Heroin and big Macs.” 

This man said he would take up the challenge. (A real person on benefit . Red Top FACT)

Opposing views were expressed about arrogant and out of touch rich Tory blah blah blah. But we at The Red Top won’t report such left wing drivel.

Social Scientists defines 7 social classes to fight each other.

Social Scientists have come up with a new way to define class. Previously there were 3 classes Upper, Middle and Working class. But now there appears to be 7. 

One of the scientists involved in the research Prof Hugh Genics said “Well we were most concerned that the bottom 99% of the population would unite against the top 1% and we would have social unrest. But now we have divided that mass into 6 classes so hopefully they will spend their lives fighting among themselves or at list being bitter & twisted with each other at dinner parties.” 

The Red Top asked a leading expert on class a Mr K Marx his thoughts on the new class system. He said “Emergent service workers, New Affluent workers of the world unite…oh wait I have missed some of them. Where was I? Emergent service workers, New Aff…oh sod it, just not catchy anymore.”