The Red Top News

IMF announce that Santa will save Western Economies

Today the head of the IMF Christine Lagarde has announced that they have asked Santa to help bailout the Western Economies. At a hastily called news conference she said; “Having failed to convince China to buy European bonds we have now had to turn to Father Christmas for help. This is because as every child knows father Christmas brings gifts which you never have to pay for, which means we can carry on as usual in the west.”

Asked if she and the rest of the IMF realized that Santa Claus was not real? She said “What do you mean? We in the west have been consuming goods without the ability to pay for them for years now, it must have been Santa that brought them, it’s just a question of believing in him and everything will be fine.”

Wait till they see the Interest rates on this deal.!

Father Christmas issued a statement. “The ironic thing about this plan is that usually it’s the parents who pay for the presents, but now the children will be paying for their parent’s excess for a very very long time, HO HO HO!”

Animals at Edinburgh Zoo to Strike.

The animals of Edinburgh Zoo have declared that going on strike because of the recruitment of cheap Chinese labor into the zoo.  

Animals of the Zoo Unite!

Head of the animal union Mike (Or as the Red Top Calls him Militant Meerkat Mike) said’; “It’s a disgrace in these tough economic times that zoo management should bring in these two Chinese Giant Pandas. They will be just taking work away from the rest of us. And sales of our cuddly toy likenesses in the zoo shop will fall; we get a share of those sales, that’s our pension plan. Industrial action is our only option.”

Eat's shoots and takes over the nation

The Red Top interviewed Tian Tian one of the Giant pandas and asked her about coming to the zoo and the industrial action, Tian Tian replied; “I think there is some confusion, we are not here to be exhibits we are the new owners of the zoo and the animals work for us. As you all will soon, Zoo UK. MUAHAHA!!!!”

Russian Election results latest.

Russia has gone to the Polls for their parliamentary elections. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has a keen interest in the outcome as he will be standing in the Presidential election next year.  It would appear that Putin’s United Russia party’s vote is down by over 20% and would seem to indicate free and fair election. 

"You should what the other lot are like!"

The President of the European Union congratulated Russia on the free election and went on to say; “We are pleased with the results and look forward to working with the other parties who have done well like err the Communist!. Are they still going ? And the Liberal Democrats who want to um, kick out immigrants and take back Alaska from the USA. Err we would point out that European strongly supports Putin for the presidential elections next year and it would appear the alternatives are an even bigger nightmare! I’m off to have a headache pill and a lay down.”

NHS to sale patients Souls to the private sector.

Prime Minister Cameron is to announce that patient’s souls are to be sold to private companies. In  a speech next week, the prime minister will argue that as no one kicked up much of a fuss about selling patients records to the private sector he will go the further and sale their souls as well. 

And I thought A&E was bad!

A Downing Street source said “Britain has the opportunity to raise huge amounts of cash by selling its people souls and it was too good to miss.” However some economists say that the government maybe over estimating the revenue as there is only one real buyer in the market the Lucifer International Hell Corporation, and swamping the market with souls will only drive down the price.

Massive debt bomb found in Germany.

In breaking news the German government has announced the discovery of a massive debt bomb in the heart of Germany. A government spokesman said; “We have found a large debt bomb which it seems was dropped on Germany in the last few months but we have only just discovered that it landed on us. And although it comes from the rest of Europe we now realize that we need to defuse it or its going to blow us and Europe to kingdom come.” 

It is believed that the explosives came from Italy, Spain and Ireland, the bomb casing from France and the fuse was from Greece. The Red Top will keep you updating on the progress of the defusing.