The Red Top News -34

European Central Bank (ECB) & IMF agree to replace Euro with Chocolate money.

In an attempt to stabilise the Euro the ECB and IMF have agreed to replace the Euro with a new currency made out of chocolate. Explaining the thinking the head of the ECB Herman Von Bankkaput said; ‘We realised that with none of the world leading currencies being backed by gold anymore we had to come up with a currency that was backed by something.

So the one thing Europe does have is massive sugar and Coco Mountains and a huge milk lake thanks to our common agriculture policy. So we can churn out billions knowing it’s backed by something.’

Asked what the new currency was going to be called he said; ‘Well after much debate we came up with the Choco, though the French did want it called the Choco 28% vegetable fat. But that was just ridiculous.’

The Choco. Ode to Joy and Chocolate

Mr Von Bankkaput was asked how easily he expected the new currency to be accepted. He replied; ‘Very easily, because think about it even if the currency collapse and your family are hungry you can unwrapped the foil and eat the Choco, its win win.

The Red Top Economics correspondent asked the UK Chancellor George Osborne what he thought about the situation, he said. ‘Well it just shows how luckily we were not to join the Euro as our currency is so strong, supported by sound finances and the city of London and err, actually what are the ingredients of the Choco again? Hold on I need to get a pen.”

Archaeologists find new cave paintings in the Dordogne.

Archaeologist have made another exciting discovery of ancient cave art in the caves of the Dordogne, after discovering children’s finger paintings from 13,000 years ago they have now discovered the cave man equivalent of pie charts and Project management Gantt charts on cave walls.

But who's the Steak holder?

The chief archaeologist Debbie Digger said, ‘It is an amazing discovery and we now think we know why the Neanderthal’s died out, we believe they got to the point where they spent their entire time sitting in caves looking at presentations on how to hunt bison and project planning their hunting campaigns, rather than actually hunting so they starved to death. It was quite literally death by PowerPoint!

BBC to produce new Comedy ‘Dad’s Coalition’

The BBC have announced a new comedy series based on the comments by Vince Cable that the economy was like ‘Being at War’ The BBC believe a comedy about a bunch of incompetents trying to handle a war time situation would be just the sort of comedy people would want in these difficult times. So the cast of Dad’s Coalition is as follows:

From Left to Right: Hague, Cameron, Fox, Cable, Lansley, Clegg and Osborne

Captain Mainwaring – William Hague, plays lower middle class lad that makes it to the top but he’s not in charge.

Sgt Arthur Wilson – David Cameron plays the upper class public educated charmer who actually runs the Dad’s coalition cabinet. He is worshiped by Private Pike.

Private Frank Pike – Nick Clegg, always wearing a scarf to keep the chill off from his parties grassroots, any ideas he comes up with are rebuffed by his officers with the phrase ‘Stupid boy’

Private Joe Walker – George Osborne plays the black market spiv he is always out to make a quick bob using his many ‘Business connections’.

Private James Frazer – Vince Cable, dour pessimistic view of the economy will always come up with the cry ‘We’re Doooomed’ when talking about economic policy.

Lance-Corporal Jack Jones – Dr Liam Fox – Talks about fighting the Fuzzy Wuzzies and using the bayonet because ‘They don’t like it up’em! And the fact that with defence cuts we can’t afford to use bullets. When the defence budget is ever mentioned he always goes hysterical shouting ‘DON’T PANIC’

Scientist discover that speed of light theory may make sci-fi fans smug.

The main consequence of scientists making the discovery that subatomic particles may travel faster than the speed of light, has been to make Trekkies (Fans of the scifi series Star Trek) and sci-fi fans in general very smug, with these fans endlessly saying ‘See told you so Warp drive is possible’.

Events turn to tragedy though when a Star Wars fan Trevor Smedley was beaten to death in his office while droning on about the Millennium Falcon and its Hyper drive. The murderer Dave Smith said in his confession to the police that after 4 hours on a Monday morning of Trevor going on about how Hyper drive was possible, he finally snapped.

Trevor Solo's pride and Joy that killed him

He said to police ‘It wasn’t just the fact that on Monday morning Trevor came in dressed as Han Solo, but he went on and on about this light speed theory and when he pulled out his hand made model of the Millennium Falcon I snapped and took the model and beat him to death. I’m so sorry but I had to shut him up’

Police say this is not an isolated incident.

REM Split explained.

The leader singer of the band REM Michael Stipe has told the Red Top News the real reason for the band splitting. He said, ‘Well after hearing that the speed of light theory is wrong, dark matter theory is wrong and the whole western capitalist economic model appears wrong, it really is ‘The end of the world as we know it’ and I don’t feel fine, so to carry on would be hypocrisy.'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY