The Red Top News

IMF announce that Santa will save Western Economies

Today the head of the IMF Christine Lagarde has announced that they have asked Santa to help bailout the Western Economies. At a hastily called news conference she said; “Having failed to convince China to buy European bonds we have now had to turn to Father Christmas for help. This is because as every child knows father Christmas brings gifts which you never have to pay for, which means we can carry on as usual in the west.”

Asked if she and the rest of the IMF realized that Santa Claus was not real? She said “What do you mean? We in the west have been consuming goods without the ability to pay for them for years now, it must have been Santa that brought them, it’s just a question of believing in him and everything will be fine.”

Wait till they see the Interest rates on this deal.!

Father Christmas issued a statement. “The ironic thing about this plan is that usually it’s the parents who pay for the presents, but now the children will be paying for their parent’s excess for a very very long time, HO HO HO!”

Animals at Edinburgh Zoo to Strike.

The animals of Edinburgh Zoo have declared that going on strike because of the recruitment of cheap Chinese labor into the zoo.  

Animals of the Zoo Unite!

Head of the animal union Mike (Or as the Red Top Calls him Militant Meerkat Mike) said’; “It’s a disgrace in these tough economic times that zoo management should bring in these two Chinese Giant Pandas. They will be just taking work away from the rest of us. And sales of our cuddly toy likenesses in the zoo shop will fall; we get a share of those sales, that’s our pension plan. Industrial action is our only option.”

Eat's shoots and takes over the nation

The Red Top interviewed Tian Tian one of the Giant pandas and asked her about coming to the zoo and the industrial action, Tian Tian replied; “I think there is some confusion, we are not here to be exhibits we are the new owners of the zoo and the animals work for us. As you all will soon, Zoo UK. MUAHAHA!!!!”

Russian Election results latest.

Russia has gone to the Polls for their parliamentary elections. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has a keen interest in the outcome as he will be standing in the Presidential election next year.  It would appear that Putin’s United Russia party’s vote is down by over 20% and would seem to indicate free and fair election. 

"You should what the other lot are like!"

The President of the European Union congratulated Russia on the free election and went on to say; “We are pleased with the results and look forward to working with the other parties who have done well like err the Communist!. Are they still going ? And the Liberal Democrats who want to um, kick out immigrants and take back Alaska from the USA. Err we would point out that European strongly supports Putin for the presidential elections next year and it would appear the alternatives are an even bigger nightmare! I’m off to have a headache pill and a lay down.”

NHS to sale patients Souls to the private sector.

Prime Minister Cameron is to announce that patient’s souls are to be sold to private companies. In  a speech next week, the prime minister will argue that as no one kicked up much of a fuss about selling patients records to the private sector he will go the further and sale their souls as well. 

And I thought A&E was bad!

A Downing Street source said “Britain has the opportunity to raise huge amounts of cash by selling its people souls and it was too good to miss.” However some economists say that the government maybe over estimating the revenue as there is only one real buyer in the market the Lucifer International Hell Corporation, and swamping the market with souls will only drive down the price.

Massive debt bomb found in Germany.

In breaking news the German government has announced the discovery of a massive debt bomb in the heart of Germany. A government spokesman said; “We have found a large debt bomb which it seems was dropped on Germany in the last few months but we have only just discovered that it landed on us. And although it comes from the rest of Europe we now realize that we need to defuse it or its going to blow us and Europe to kingdom come.” 

It is believed that the explosives came from Italy, Spain and Ireland, the bomb casing from France and the fuse was from Greece. The Red Top will keep you updating on the progress of the defusing.

The Red Top News -34

European Central Bank (ECB) & IMF agree to replace Euro with Chocolate money.

In an attempt to stabilise the Euro the ECB and IMF have agreed to replace the Euro with a new currency made out of chocolate. Explaining the thinking the head of the ECB Herman Von Bankkaput said; ‘We realised that with none of the world leading currencies being backed by gold anymore we had to come up with a currency that was backed by something.

So the one thing Europe does have is massive sugar and Coco Mountains and a huge milk lake thanks to our common agriculture policy. So we can churn out billions knowing it’s backed by something.’

Asked what the new currency was going to be called he said; ‘Well after much debate we came up with the Choco, though the French did want it called the Choco 28% vegetable fat. But that was just ridiculous.’

The Choco. Ode to Joy and Chocolate

Mr Von Bankkaput was asked how easily he expected the new currency to be accepted. He replied; ‘Very easily, because think about it even if the currency collapse and your family are hungry you can unwrapped the foil and eat the Choco, its win win.

The Red Top Economics correspondent asked the UK Chancellor George Osborne what he thought about the situation, he said. ‘Well it just shows how luckily we were not to join the Euro as our currency is so strong, supported by sound finances and the city of London and err, actually what are the ingredients of the Choco again? Hold on I need to get a pen.”

Archaeologists find new cave paintings in the Dordogne.

Archaeologist have made another exciting discovery of ancient cave art in the caves of the Dordogne, after discovering children’s finger paintings from 13,000 years ago they have now discovered the cave man equivalent of pie charts and Project management Gantt charts on cave walls.

But who's the Steak holder?

The chief archaeologist Debbie Digger said, ‘It is an amazing discovery and we now think we know why the Neanderthal’s died out, we believe they got to the point where they spent their entire time sitting in caves looking at presentations on how to hunt bison and project planning their hunting campaigns, rather than actually hunting so they starved to death. It was quite literally death by PowerPoint!

BBC to produce new Comedy ‘Dad’s Coalition’

The BBC have announced a new comedy series based on the comments by Vince Cable that the economy was like ‘Being at War’ The BBC believe a comedy about a bunch of incompetents trying to handle a war time situation would be just the sort of comedy people would want in these difficult times. So the cast of Dad’s Coalition is as follows:

From Left to Right: Hague, Cameron, Fox, Cable, Lansley, Clegg and Osborne

Captain Mainwaring – William Hague, plays lower middle class lad that makes it to the top but he’s not in charge.

Sgt Arthur Wilson – David Cameron plays the upper class public educated charmer who actually runs the Dad’s coalition cabinet. He is worshiped by Private Pike.

Private Frank Pike – Nick Clegg, always wearing a scarf to keep the chill off from his parties grassroots, any ideas he comes up with are rebuffed by his officers with the phrase ‘Stupid boy’

Private Joe Walker – George Osborne plays the black market spiv he is always out to make a quick bob using his many ‘Business connections’.

Private James Frazer – Vince Cable, dour pessimistic view of the economy will always come up with the cry ‘We’re Doooomed’ when talking about economic policy.

Lance-Corporal Jack Jones – Dr Liam Fox – Talks about fighting the Fuzzy Wuzzies and using the bayonet because ‘They don’t like it up’em! And the fact that with defence cuts we can’t afford to use bullets. When the defence budget is ever mentioned he always goes hysterical shouting ‘DON’T PANIC’

Scientist discover that speed of light theory may make sci-fi fans smug.

The main consequence of scientists making the discovery that subatomic particles may travel faster than the speed of light, has been to make Trekkies (Fans of the scifi series Star Trek) and sci-fi fans in general very smug, with these fans endlessly saying ‘See told you so Warp drive is possible’.

Events turn to tragedy though when a Star Wars fan Trevor Smedley was beaten to death in his office while droning on about the Millennium Falcon and its Hyper drive. The murderer Dave Smith said in his confession to the police that after 4 hours on a Monday morning of Trevor going on about how Hyper drive was possible, he finally snapped.

Trevor Solo's pride and Joy that killed him

He said to police ‘It wasn’t just the fact that on Monday morning Trevor came in dressed as Han Solo, but he went on and on about this light speed theory and when he pulled out his hand made model of the Millennium Falcon I snapped and took the model and beat him to death. I’m so sorry but I had to shut him up’

Police say this is not an isolated incident.

REM Split explained.

The leader singer of the band REM Michael Stipe has told the Red Top News the real reason for the band splitting. He said, ‘Well after hearing that the speed of light theory is wrong, dark matter theory is wrong and the whole western capitalist economic model appears wrong, it really is ‘The end of the world as we know it’ and I don’t feel fine, so to carry on would be hypocrisy.'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY

The Red Top News: Aug 11

ENGLISH RIOTS: THE RED TOP NEWS SOLUTION!

After considering the implications of the riots on the very fabric of this green and pleasant land, this sceptred isle, this England. (Excuse me *sob*). The Red Top News team have considered many of the solutions to England’s ills, from tougher sentences handed out by the courts, job and training opportunities for the nation’s youth to plastic bullets and water cannon for the police. However we now believe the only solution is to bring in the Taliban!

No sonny we are going to clip OFF your ear.

That’s right only by having certain areas of the UK being patrolled by the Taliban will our streets be safe from future riots. Think of the law and order they will bring.  Someone caught looting, off with a hand, caught in possession of stolen goods, a good whipping, arson, set fire to them for 3 minutes. (Ed. Better check to see that is valid in Sharia Law?) Being drunk and disorderly, a good stoning.

Community policing

We believe that the Taliban would keep our streets safe and to be fair with the UK having spent 10 years trying to make Afghan cities safe it’s only good manners to let them have a crack at keeping ours safe.

Take that you whining liberal papers like the Express, Sun, and Daily Mail with your hug a hoodie solution like firing plastic bullets.

An Apology

During the riots in England, The Red Top News was temporarily closed. This was due to the editor spotting a hoodie outside the offices and so he invoked our disaster recovery plan. This resulted in us moving to a bunker somewhere in the English countryside, sadly all that was there were 20 bottles of water a couple of Mars bars and a typewriter dating from the 1950’s.

Gang warfare continues on London Streets.

Two weeks after the riots in London gang warfare is still raging on the streets of our capital between two of the biggest gangs, the Parliament boys and the New Scotland Yardies. A turf war has broken out on the streets around Westminster.

Gangs face off.

The head of New Scotland Yardies who goes by the name ‘The Commissioner’ said; ‘Those Parliament boys had better keep their mouths shut man; we are the force on the streets. No one tells us how we rule the streets, we are the law. In response the head of the Parliament boys ‘PM DC’ said, ‘Those New Scotland Yardies can’t run jack ***t, we are taking over to show those Mother F***** how to do it, ya get me bruv ?

The Red Top News asked members of the public what they thought a Mr Delonn Wallace of Hackney said;’ I must say it’s frightful that these chaps are fighting so publicly on our streets, why can’t they  settle their difference over a nice bottle of Chardonnay?

New Pictures of Looters published.

Police have published new photos of Looters in the streets of London, have you seen them?

This bunch where last seen looting entire nations. Last known whereabouts was in Greece and Ireland.

These looters not only destroyed many shops in the high streets up and down the country by removing lending from them, they did so while claiming hand outs from the government.

These guys not only looted they were also selling Fake ‘AAA’ grade investments.

If you can identify any of them please call crime stoppers as the Police have not managed to arrest one single banker or trader.

Economics:

Chancellor detects Growth.

Micro-scopic Economics

The Chancellor George Osborne announced today that he had spotted the signs of growth while looking into a microscope in an attempt to detect any. He said, ‘I was looking at the British economy through a microscope and there it was, a large growing object was detected, look there it is again!....oh wait it’s my thumb.”

An economist commented, “It was a real surprise as the Chancellor usually has his thumb somewhere else.”

Advert

New from MB games:

Pin your prejudice on a rioter.

Fun for all the family, pick your prejudice and attempt to pin it on a rioter. Score points for how outrageous your prejudice and how long it sticks.

For Mental age of six or lower.

Middle Class shock at end of Inner city Nirvana

Middle class England living in multi ethnic communities where shocked during the riots to discover that their ‘Wonderfully diverse London community’ wasn’t just the interesting Sunday markets, trendy bars and marvellous ethnic restaurants, but actually contained lots of poor people and people who indulged in criminal behaviour.

Always a warm Welcome in London.

We interviewed one of the residents of the community a Mr Zak Burton, a graphic designer for an Eco charity about the riots he said;’ It was terrible, I mean I thought this was a nice area the Mongolian-West Indian- Jellied eel fusion restaurant menu was to die for. But to find out that we are living amongst violent gangs was a shock.”

The Red Top asked did he not know that the borough he lived in was one of the poorest in the country, he said. ‘Well my street was fine and the high street was marvellous and the trip to the train station was ok, to be honest I didn’t go anywhere else, anyway got to go, off to an estate agent in Surrey. Seems they still sale organic Guatemalan Latte there.”

The Red Top News - July11

Today we are honoured to have the head of Mega News Corp (Owner of The Red Top News) Rupert Bearface, writing in The Red Top News about how the on-going phone hacking scandal is affecting the media.

Chairman of MEGA NEWS CORP Rupert Bearface:

I would first like to say that this is the second most humble day of my life, the first being when one of my ex-wives caught me in bed with the nanny and said to her ‘You can keep the old cock but the  credit cards are mine!”. That was truly a humbling experience that required a lot of counselling and Viagra to resolve.

Chairman Rupert Bearface

So may I start by saying I deeply regret the hacking of simple, ordinary, common, simple people’s phones. This was frankly a disgrace as we all know you shift more papers when celebrities are involved, so for that I humbly apologies to our shareholders. Now in defence of our reporting of celebrity news, well first of all no one forced you the reader to buy this stuff, you all strolled into the new agents and bought it. Where did you think we found this stuff? A fire side chat with the film star and the prostitute?

Our publications did a great job entertaining the public and frankly saving many relationships. Just think how many couples would have survived the long weekend together, both sick of the sight of each other with nothing to say, without the Sunday morning boost of the most salacious stories our Sunday paper; “The World of News” could provide, so giving people something to talk about other than their own, ordinary common simple lives. This is something that Mega News Corp should be thanked for.

Anyway that’s the apology over, didn’t get where I am today by crying over spilt milk.

The Possible future of the Media.

Now let me show you the media world that could appear if the do-gooders get their way and the great Red Top tradition is lost. I will compare The Red Top News with that liberal, pinko, bleeding heart, eco-friendly publication The Gaydardian. To show you what the future holds let’s compare some headlines

 The Red Top News –

Film Stars drug fuelled Orgy with Nazi dressed prostitutes to star in holocaust film.

The Gaydardian –

62% of sub-Saharan people suffer from diseases and poverty. Something must be done!

Yeah that Gaydardian headline goes down like a cup of cold sick over a Sunday morning breakfast table doesn’t it ! Bet you would be taking long Sunday walks rather than reading that stuff.

Or another

The Red Top News –

Starlet – My struggle with drink, drugs and my lesbian relationship with my half-sisters &  best friend.

The Gaydardian –

Special report on government spending cuts and corporate tax evasion by Mega News Corp.

You see, that’s the sort of dull reports you can expect if The Red Tops go, you would be reaching for the kitchen knife and slitting your own throat if you had to wade through that.

Finally I would like to mention the supposed influence of Mega News Corp on politics, well we have had a good working relationship with British governments and some believe that will now end. Well I tell you this; I am head of MEGA NEWS CORP. I run the show, the commentators are correct we will no longer support a political party because I will now create a new party!

The New Cabinet

I will throw the full weight of my media empire behind it, you will vote for it because that is the only positive political commentary you will hear read and watch!  HAHAHAHAHAHA

 No longer power by proxy I will rule your country MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

 

Business news

UK GDP 2^nd quarter growth at 0.2%

Growth figures for the UK economy were released this week, showing growth of just 0.2% The Red Top News talked to the chancellor George Osborne to ask him about his thoughts on the situation he said;

‘Well these are positive numbers which is always a good thing and of course we had some unique events that influenced economic growth like Weather, who would have expected that, and we are not Greece, a royal wedding where everyone had one extra day off. Which was a Friday before a bank holiday which we all know is when everyone is err working at full speed and um Sharon from Romford hurt her back so she couldn’t go shopping that effected the figures.”

The Red Top News asked him about the future prospects for the country’s economy he said;

“Well at least we are not Greece did I mention that ? And um people will probably have to holiday in the UK as we devalued the currency to help our export of manufacture goods which last quarter rose by a whopping  1.3% err sorry no that was minus 1.3% who would have thought that was possible, hey what about a song?

(Mr Osborne Breaks into a song)

And….Always look on the Bright side of life

Always look on the light side of life

If life seems Jolly rotten

There’s something you’ve forgotten……We loved singing this to the Oiks when the Bullingdon crowd where out drinking.

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

(At which point the Chancellors advisors and civil servants  joined in)

And...always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

The Chancellor then said; ‘Funny in the film it was the bloke who was being crucified that sang this, when now it’s me crucifying you all financially, it’s a funny old world."

And always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the right side of life...

(Come on guys, cheer up!)

Always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the bright side of life...

(Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life...

A WITCH!  A WITCH!

In breaking news, it has been announced by Mega News Corp that it found the real culprit of the phone hacking scandal, they have been identified  as the former editor of the World of the News, Rebecca Tudor who has been discovered to be a witch.

Rebecca Tudor Ex Editor and WITCH!!

The statement from Mega News Corp said. “Many people believed that this whole scandal was caused by a rich media corporation using unscrupulous tactics while working with private investigators and the police, to increase its profit margins. However we now believe that Rebecca Tudor was in fact using witchcraft to cast a spell over people. How else can you explain the corrupting of fine members of the police  force and our greatest parliamentarians?

We will work fully with the inquiry lead by Matthew Hopkins the Witch Finder General. We hope that the burning of this witch in the middle of parliament square will satisfy the public demand for revenge and let the government, police and media carry on its business. And all the men involved get to put the blame on one women!

A final statement from our Chairman about The Red Top News.

Rupert Bearface:

You may be wondering why with my entire media empire to choose from I  selected The Red Top News to issue my offical statement. Some may believe that it is because The Red Top News is a fine, honest upstanding publication encompassing all that is great in investigative reporting. That would be wrong;

I have chosen The Red Top News because the entire staff are such a bunch technological incompetents that there is no way that could even hack their own phones, let alone anyone else’s. Indeed that can’t even use the drinks machines in the office and the vending machines still contain Marathon bars such is their collective inability to use it. (That would be Snickers bars for our younger readers) So I truly believe their hands are clean.Thank you.

The Red Top News July 2011

Is this couple the new Mira Hindley and Ian Brady!!

The Red Top is OUTRAGED at the sick and depraved actions of this evil couple, not only have they been voyeuristically looking into the lives of our finest actors and celebrities, who have been doing nothing more than good work for charities. They intruded into the lives of poor sick kiddies and our Lads, our Boys, our HEROS in the armed services; The Red Top says HANGING is too good for them!

If you too are outrage by the insult to our poor sick Boys, Heroes, kiddies, Brave Lads, please call our premium number (call rate £3.00 a min) to express your outrage.

(Can I have some Valium now Ed?)

The Red Top demands the introduction of Murdoch’s Law

Please Save me from the Evil Tabloids!

 The Red Top News today is launching its campaign for the introduction of Murdoch’s Laws to protect our kiddies from the evil predator scum that is the Murdoch print press.

Please sign up to our online campaign “STOP THE SCUM” and we shall take the petition to Downing Street where our B list celeb’s will present it to the Prime Minister.

(Please note we also offer good rates to advertise in The Red Top News)

Hacking Scandal who is to blame ?

In an interview today a leading Tabloid Journalist said it was well known in the print media that the real culprit for the phone hacking scandal was you the reader.

He went on to say; ‘If the reader did not have such a deep desire to read the salacious details about the private lives of celebrities or drool over the minute  details of murder stories, there would be no need for us to investigate such things. We the private investigators, journalist and editors are the real victims in this. Don’t blame the messenger.’

(Can I have an anti-nausea pill now Ed ?)

Libya says “We will surrender if we get a Wills and Kate Tour”

Operation Happiness and Joy

Colonel Gaddafi has offered to surrender to NATO forces and give himself up to the war crimes court in The Hague. The only condition he asks is that the Western powers guarantee a 5 day tour of Libya by Prince William and Princess Katherine. Colonel Gaddafi said; ‘We all saw in the tour of Canada the joy and hope that a mere glimpse of the couple gives to the simple, ordinary person. I am willing to surrender to give our own ordinary simple people that sunlight into their dull lives. I do hope Kate wears a Libya themed hat'

Can Sex Bomb bring peace ?

On hearing the news there were reports that Hamas and the PLO said they too would give up their struggle with Israel if the Royal couple would visit Palestine. The leader of Hamas was reported to have said;’ If Pippa Middleton came along as well, we would drop the whole issue about going back to the original 1967 borders as well.” 

And in breaking news the Taliban has said it too would stop its struggle if William and Kate toured their land spreading goodness and light. Though they stressed that Kate and Pippa would need to wear the traditional Jilbab but Pippa’s arse would still look good in it.’

Official Harry Potter to be a World Religion.

With thousands of people sitting in the rain in Trafalgar square just to get a glimpse of the cast before the last Harry Potter film’s premier, it has been decided that Harry Potter is to be proclaimed as an official religion. The followers of the religion are to be called Potties and will be given full protection under the law.

A spokesperson for the new Potty religion said ‘I am glad that our dedicated following of the leading characters of the films and our endless study of the books have been recognised, I mean we put more effort in than those Jedi lot. Our religion has the largest percentage of young followers compared to any other religion. There are reports of a number of Catholic priests switching to our religion! See we are even converting people.”

 Though there may already a split in the Potty religion where some people follow Harry as the True leader of the faith while others follow the writer J.K Rowling.

National Audit office concerned about changes to Aircraft carriers

Original design of aircraft carrier

The National audit office has expressed deep concern about changes to the Royal Navy aircraft carriers. It would appear that significant changes are to be made and the aircraft carriers will now look like the picture below.

New look Aircraft Liner

The Defence Secretary spoke about the changes he said;’ We have decided to remove the hangers, ammunition storage, runway and replace them with 400 luxury bedrooms, 4 restaurants a couple of swimming pools and even a casino. We think the new Aircraft Liners will be the first time that a MOD contract has returned a profit.

LIFE STYLE

 

LIFE N STUFF with Brad Name. (includes glossy adverts.)

Brad Name will be travelling the world to ask people what Stuff they need to give meaning to their lives.

Brad: ‘Hi I am Brad Name and today I am talking to Semira here in Mauritius about her life style choices.

Style is Everything- Everthing is Style (Deep! Buy our Product)

Semira:’I’m sorry but this is an aid camp in Kenya’

Brad :’ Ah I caught the wrong flight, still we are here now. So Semira what would you call the big lifeaffirming experiences you have enjoyed?”

Semira:’Sorry I don’t understand?

Brad: ‘You know swimming off the Great Barrier reef ? An all-night party in a Mediterranean resort, watching some awesome band and then watching the sun rise.

Freedom is booking one of our Holidays.

Semira:’Sorry I really don’t understand the question.’

Brad: ‘Like sky diving onto a high mountain then abseiling down. To give you that rush when you put your life on the line.

Semira:’Um, well it was great to get the new well in our village, so we could drink clean water and not get sick.

Live the Digital Dream.

Brad:’ OK OK, keep it light love. What about gadgets like mobile phone, Mp3 players or tablet computer, what is the latest trend setter here in the, err aid camp.

Semira:’ We are getting tents here now.

Brad:’Oh right tents. Are they light weight ones that you can carry easily when walking through the Grand Canyon and still carry your parachute that you use to base jump ?

Semira: No sir they are just tents. But I have walked many miles and am very hungry

Err More Freedom!

Brad:’ Hungry? Are you on some trendy celebrity diet program? We love that sort of thing here at Life N Stuff.

Semira:’ We have a very poor diet, little food but the camp is giving us more now.’

Brad:’ Ah I see this isn’t going well. Semira what are your Top 10 things to do before you die?’

Semira:’ Give birth and raise a family, we have high mortality for mothers in child birth.

Brad:’ This is Brad Name saying goodbye to his career and wishing I had checked my flight. And it’s probably good bye to Life N Stuff.

If you would like to help Semira with her life style choice please visit.

http://www.redcross.org.uk/