Is this couple the new Mira Hindley and Ian Brady!!
The Red Top is OUTRAGED at the sick and depraved actions of this evil couple, not only have they been voyeuristically looking into the lives of our finest actors and celebrities, who have been doing nothing more than good work for charities. They intruded into the lives of poor sick kiddies and our Lads, our Boys, our HEROS in the armed services; The Red Top says HANGING is too good for them!
If you too are outrage by the insult to our poor sick Boys, Heroes, kiddies, Brave Lads, please call our premium number (call rate £3.00 a min) to express your outrage.
(Can I have some Valium now Ed?)
The Red Top demands the introduction of Murdoch’s Law
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| Please Save me from the Evil Tabloids! |
Please sign up to our online campaign “STOP THE SCUM” and we shall take the petition to Downing Street where our B list celeb’s will present it to the Prime Minister.
(Please note we also offer good rates to advertise in The Red Top News)
Hacking Scandal who is to blame ?
In an interview today a leading Tabloid Journalist said it was well known in the print media that the real culprit for the phone hacking scandal was you the reader.
He went on to say; ‘If the reader did not have such a deep desire to read the salacious details about the private lives of celebrities or drool over the minute details of murder stories, there would be no need for us to investigate such things. We the private investigators, journalist and editors are the real victims in this. Don’t blame the messenger.’
(Can I have an anti-nausea pill now Ed ?)
Libya says “We will surrender if we get a Wills and Kate Tour”
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| Operation Happiness and Joy |
Colonel Gaddafi has offered to surrender to NATO forces and give himself up to the war crimes court in The Hague. The only condition he asks is that the Western powers guarantee a 5 day tour of Libya by Prince William and Princess Katherine. Colonel Gaddafi said; ‘We all saw in the tour of Canada the joy and hope that a mere glimpse of the couple gives to the simple, ordinary person. I am willing to surrender to give our own ordinary simple people that sunlight into their dull lives. I do hope Kate wears a Libya themed hat'
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| Can Sex Bomb bring peace ? |
On hearing the news there were reports that Hamas and the PLO said they too would give up their struggle with Israel if the Royal couple would visit Palestine. The leader of Hamas was reported to have said;’ If Pippa Middleton came along as well, we would drop the whole issue about going back to the original 1967 borders as well.”
And in breaking news the Taliban has said it too would stop its struggle if William and Kate toured their land spreading goodness and light. Though they stressed that Kate and Pippa would need to wear the traditional Jilbab but Pippa’s arse would still look good in it.’
Official Harry Potter to be a World Religion.
With thousands of people sitting in the rain in Trafalgar square just to get a glimpse of the cast before the last Harry Potter film’s premier, it has been decided that Harry Potter is to be proclaimed as an official religion. The followers of the religion are to be called Potties and will be given full protection under the law.
A spokesperson for the new Potty religion said ‘I am glad that our dedicated following of the leading characters of the films and our endless study of the books have been recognised, I mean we put more effort in than those Jedi lot. Our religion has the largest percentage of young followers compared to any other religion. There are reports of a number of Catholic priests switching to our religion! See we are even converting people.”
National Audit office concerned about changes to Aircraft carriers
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| Original design of aircraft carrier |
The National audit office has expressed deep concern about changes to the Royal Navy aircraft carriers. It would appear that significant changes are to be made and the aircraft carriers will now look like the picture below.
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| New look Aircraft Liner |
The Defence Secretary spoke about the changes he said;’ We have decided to remove the hangers, ammunition storage, runway and replace them with 400 luxury bedrooms, 4 restaurants a couple of swimming pools and even a casino. We think the new Aircraft Liners will be the first time that a MOD contract has returned a profit.
LIFE STYLE
LIFE N STUFF with Brad Name. (includes glossy adverts.)
Brad Name will be travelling the world to ask people what Stuff they need to give meaning to their lives.
Brad: ‘Hi I am Brad Name and today I am talking to Semira here in Mauritius about her life style choices.
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| Style is Everything- Everthing is Style (Deep! Buy our Product) |
Semira:’I’m sorry but this is an aid camp in Kenya’
Brad :’ Ah I caught the wrong flight, still we are here now. So Semira what would you call the big lifeaffirming experiences you have enjoyed?”
Semira:’Sorry I don’t understand?
Brad: ‘You know swimming off the Great Barrier reef ? An all-night party in a Mediterranean resort, watching some awesome band and then watching the sun rise.
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| Freedom is booking one of our Holidays. |
Semira:’Sorry I really don’t understand the question.’
Brad: ‘Like sky diving onto a high mountain then abseiling down. To give you that rush when you put your life on the line.
Semira:’Um, well it was great to get the new well in our village, so we could drink clean water and not get sick.
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| Live the Digital Dream. |
Brad:’ OK OK, keep it light love. What about gadgets like mobile phone, Mp3 players or tablet computer, what is the latest trend setter here in the, err aid camp.
Semira:’ We are getting tents here now.
Brad:’Oh right tents. Are they light weight ones that you can carry easily when walking through the Grand Canyon and still carry your parachute that you use to base jump ?
Semira: No sir they are just tents. But I have walked many miles and am very hungry
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| Err More Freedom! |
Brad:’ Hungry? Are you on some trendy celebrity diet program? We love that sort of thing here at Life N Stuff.
Semira:’ We have a very poor diet, little food but the camp is giving us more now.’
Brad:’ Ah I see this isn’t going well. Semira what are your Top 10 things to do before you die?’
Semira:’ Give birth and raise a family, we have high mortality for mothers in child birth.
Brad:’ This is Brad Name saying goodbye to his career and wishing I had checked my flight. And it’s probably good bye to Life N Stuff.
If you would like to help Semira with her life style choice please visit.
