The Red Top News Sept 2010

Radical religious group to go ahead with
Bible Burning Day.

Christians go about their business.

A Red Hot Read ?

A radical religious group, which incorporates Pagan, Buddhist & Zoroastrianism teachings into its religion, announced yesterday that in response to the arrival of the Pope in the UK, they were to burn hundreds of bibles in protest. The chief religious leader of the ‘God is Cult’ religious group, Kevin Spackman standing outside their temple in Dudley (Also known as Dudley sports centre, squash courts available to hire for Squash, children’s parties and religious ceremonies) said;” Christianity is responsible for so much of the world ills, with its inquisitions, crusades, child abuse and inspirations for terribly quaint BBC shows, that we wish to protest at the arrival of the Pope by burning bibles.

By carrying out this protest we hope to make people think about the Christian religion and maybe consider the God is Cult religion as an alternative”. Asked how many members his religion had Kevin said;’ Well 23 members but that’s 11 more than Jesus had and we don’t have a Judas!. He then whispered, ‘We are not too sure about Wayne though, we think he maybe only comes along to get the squash court after our meetings.’

Dudley church goer Mary Virginia

The Red Top religious correspondent went to the local Dudley Catholic church to find out the reaction to this offence to Christianity. We asked Mary Virginia a regular church goer what she thought about the Bible burning.

Mary said; ‘Well it is terrible isn’t it! I mean think of the environment it must increase their carbon footprint. I do hope they have got health and safety involved.”

Asked if she and the rest of the congregation would be out on the streets in protest she laughed. ‘Unlikely love I am baking cakes for the church fete and most of the rest of the congregation only come here to get their kids into the local schools. I might take along a nice pot of tea for them as the sports centre has a terrible cafeteria.

Is William Hague a Communist?

Red in the Bed ?

The internet is alive with rumours that William Hague is in fact a communist, with his membership of the Conservative party just a ‘Marriage of convenience’. Rumours started when he was seen wearing a red tie, carrying what looked like the Guardian newspaper, and commented that he spent the weekend shopping at Marx’s with his wife. Which many commentators thought was euphuism for Communist indoctrination session.

Mr Hague put out a strongly worded statement saying that he was happily married to Margaret Thatcher and had never shared a ideologically bed with communism, a way of life which he said was morally wrong.

Mega Bank Corp appoints Long John Silver as its head of Retail banking.

Today Mega Bank Corp announced that it had appointed Long John Silver as the new Chairman of its High Street banking division. Long John Silver had many successful years as head of Mega Investment Bank ‘High Seas’ division, where he successfully lead many a raiding party to enrich himself and Mega Investment bank.

Pirates of the Capitalism?

There was mixed reaction to the news. In the City of London a spokesmen for the banking sector said; "YESSSS in your faces little people. WE ARE BACK. Not only did we bring the economy to within 24hrs of running out of cash, create the biggest recession in 50 years, we got bailed out with huge amounts of cash by the tax payer.

Then manage to shift the blame to public sector workers and the feckless poor. And now have appointed Long John Silver into the retail side of the banking sector. This is a big two finger salute to you all, as we stand over you drinking champagne while you lie in the gutter as we piss all over you HA HA HA HA. Oh is that the time I have a board meeting see you all soon."

Vince 'Slaps bankers wrists. But not to hard'

Meanwhile at Westminster the business Secretary Vince Cable said. ‘This sends out all the wrong signals from the city about casino banking and they should be very careful about who they appoint.’

When asked if the government was doing he said. ‘Well we don’t tell banks who to appoint and frankly we need their help to raise money to fund government debt and they pay awfully well for tables at party conferences’

The New look for High Street Banking

The Red Top business correspondent managed to get an interview with Long John Silver. We asked him what changes he would bring to the High street banking sector.

Mr Silver replied; ‘Well first of all I will cut costs by getting rid of counter staff. Now this may cause longer queues, however I have a solution. Rows of slot machines, digital roulette and black jack machines all along the walls where people are queuing, so that way they can have a gamble while waiting for 2 hrs in the queue. It really is the introduction of casino banking.

IRAQ CANDID CAMERA

Iraq TV starts a new comedy TV show where top Iraqi celebrities get stopped at Iraq army checkpoints, only to discover that weapons have been secretly stashed in their vehicles. See the look on their faces as they are asked 'Where did they get the weapons from?' and 'are they working for Al Qaeda?' And the look of terror when they are told they are going to have to go and see the CIA. Then the look of relief as Iraqs own answer to Noel Edmonds leaps out from an armoured vehicle and tells them it’s all a prank.

Is this a real story or what ?

The host Nuh Laylat al-Qadr said ‘Well you have to look on the lighter side. I mean check points are a way of life here in Iraq and we thought it would be hilarious to catch our Iraqi celebs on the hop. We did look at doing something like Dirty Sanchez but after looking at it, we thought what a load of tame stunts that was made up of. And as for your ‘Balls of Steel’ comedy show, hah, try walking to the market in Fallujah for a loaf of bread, now THAT takes balls of steel.'

Scientists discover 89% of women who choose their men based on their dancing skills end up single 6 weeks later.

The University of Scunthorpe has carried out a yearlong study into what women look for in a man when he is dancing on the dance floor, have discovered that after less than six weeks of dating that man, they become single again. The head chief scientist Mr Ed Head said; ‘Well it was a bit of a shock to discover that a female picking her choice of partner based purely on his dancing skills didn’t lead to a long term relationship. I mean it works well with the Lesser Spotted Gullible bird on the Pacific Islands.

Your nest or mine ?

The Red Top science correspondent responded ‘Well it’s not really that surprising I mean a bird isn’t really a creature that has a highly developed brain which is capable of abstract thinking. A human female would have a more sophisticated selection process, like would the man cook, wash up and put the bins out on a Monday night’

Mr Ed Head said; ‘Err well to be honest I don’t date much, it’s all a mystery to me really.

CHILEAN MINERS COPYRIGHT

‘THE BIG BROTHER COLLAPSED MINE’

Chilean miners trapped in a mine in Copiapo, Chile, have today copyrighted the idea of a TV reality show where members of the public will be put down into a mine and then filmed for 3 months seeing them cope with problems like, falling rock faces and flooding. While members of the public watch their every move on TV, the twist is the public vote on the person they like the most to be rescued first.

Interviewed via the special phone line set up to the miners, The Red Top talked to the leader of the miners Pedro.

He said ‘We decided that we needed to cash in on our celebrity status, but we soon realised that within days of us being rescued the story will be dead and we will go back to the back breaking work in dangerous mines. So we thought a more long term way to make money would be to turn our predicament into a show. We can’t wait for the Celebrity Big Brother Mine’, we are already getting massive lists of names from the public for who they want in on that.’ El Gran Hermano se derrumbó MINA is expected on our screens in the New Year

SHOCK AS VETERAN WAFFEN SS SOLDIER IS STAR MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER AT CITY FIRMS

One Company, One Work Force, One Profit ?

With the economic downturn leading to staff cuts and needed to do more with less, city firms appear to be using Major Herman Von Moller of the 2nd SS Panzer Das Reich regiment to give motivational speeches to staff. Apparently his ability to lead men and the way they operated against extreme odds in Russia and Normandy during World War 2 is just the motivational ideas that staff need. We asked the sprightly 90 year old Von Moller how it all came about.

Herman Von Moller

Von Moller said; ‘Well it all started when my great granddaughter who works in the City of London told me about her company’s annual meeting. Where it seems a speaker got up and talked about how workers from various disciplines have to come together and be flexible in sorting out a problem. I thought this was very interesting as this is how the Waffen SS operated with troops from various units thrown together and fighting as a Kampgruppe.

I would probably have thought no more of it, then she told me how this speaker went on about going for a drive to get from A to B, as an analogy of the company trying to achieve its objectives. And even though the SAT NAV told them the way, they should have the intelligence and freedom to reach the objective in the way they thought best as they were closest to the action.
Well on hearing that I thought Mein Gott! That is Auftragstaktik, where the Panzer unit planned its mission only in detail at the company and platoon level. I chuckled and wandered if they realised they are asking their staff to operate like a SS Panzer unit.

Anyway I thought why not let the company’s workers listen to this from as you say in England ‘The horse’s mouth’. I have been a big hit all around the city. I am going to write a book I think. Of course it does help if your staff thinks they are Übermenschen and rival companies are full of subhumans."