THE RED TOPS NEWS - ELECTION WEEK 3

The Final Round of

‘Britain’s New Game Show Host’

(The Search for the new Bruce Forsyth)

The race to be the winner of TV’s latest talent contest ‘Britain’s New Game Show Host (The search for the new Bruce Forsyth) took place last Thursday as the competitors were now down to the last three.
And contestant Nick Clegg seems to be the TV audiences favourite at the moment.

In early voting Nick was well ahead has his sincere looks, amusing anecdotes, and empathy with contestants seemed to go down well with the tv viewers. In second place was Dave, who has a similar rapport with the studio audience and gave people in their homes that feeling that the generation game would be in safe hands. Lagging behind was Gordon, who appeared stilted and dull.

The Red Top had a panel made up of members of the public watching the show. They gave some views of the performances by the contestants.

Sharon (46 – Ferret Breeder): ‘That Nick was lovely, the way he looked into the camera just made me weak at the knees. I would love to play my cards right with him.’

Peter (35 – Accountant for Novelty vegetable importer ) ‘I can see that Nick bloke hosting the Generation game. And Dave was good but he was rather posh and saw him more as a host of University Challenge.’

Mandy (66 – Retired custard tester) ‘Nick was great the way he worked the audience and he looked lovely. Dave was good I could see him hosting ‘Who wants to be a millionaire, like me’ quiz show.

John (25 – Unemployed Cat home Mortgage seller) ‘Nick impressed me with his authority and empathy; he would be a great host. Dave seemed a little bit to serious at times, maybe a host for Countdown? That Gordon bloke, blimey he was a bit severer, can’t see him handing out cuddly toys to contestants, maybe the host of the weakest link would be his thing.


Dunkirk rescue: Operation Jumbo Dynamo is under way.

TOURISTS SCRAMBLE TO THE BOATS

First Lord of the Admiralty Peter Mandelson has called for the Royal Navy and the ‘little ships’ of England to sail from the ports of the South Coast to rescue the BETF (British Expeditionary Tourist Force) that has found it’s self trapped on the beaches of Dunkirk, Calais and well every beach in Europe.

The First Lord of the Admiralty said ‘Our brave tourists, school trips and business men are trapped on the continent of Europe. It is time for all English citizens with small boats to come forward and help with the rescue. The Ark Royal has set sail already. God speed and God save the Queen.

Ash Cloud Created by Icelandic banks burning documents.

The Red Top environmental correspondent has discovered that the vast cloud of ash coming from Iceland is not volcanic ash. It is in fact a vast cloud of smoke generated by all the Icelandic banks burning their paper work, in a desperate attempt to destroy the evidence of their terrible financial position.

One worker for the banks who didn’t want to be identified said ‘It’s not just paper we are burning, computer disks, backup tapes; anything with data on is going up in smoke.’

Our correspondent also discovered that the other benefit of this approach is that none of the regulatory bodies in Europe can fly to Iceland to stop this mass burning of evidence.

65% of the TV audience for the leader’s debate want

Karen from the BBC comedy Outnumbered to be PM

In opinion polls taken after the first leadership debate on TV, the surprise result was that Karen from BBC comedy Outnumbered came top. It was also a surprise that 60% of the TV audience hadn’t realised they were watching the wrong channel.

One viewer who made the mistake said 'Well we tuned into BBC1 as they are usually the channel that covers all the heavy weight TV stuff. I mean on ITV it’s usually celebrity something or other with Ant and Dec hosting.
Anyway there I was watching three people squabbling and shouting at each other, calling each other names. So I naturally thought I had tuned into the leaders debate. And out of the three Karen seemed the most coherent and what she said made sense to me'.

Attacks on Karen from the other party’s are expected this week. The Daily Mail has already published 20 things you didn’t know about Karen, highlighting her lack of political experience and her views on Muslims and Simon Cowell

POLITICS: MANIFESTO HIGHLIGHTS

First pictures of Tory's Citizen Youth Service released.

The Conservative party have formed their first unit of the Citizen Youth Service to demonstrate how it would work if they are elected.

Their slogan ‘Das Volk’ is shouted out as they march to their summer camp to carry out physical activity, helping the Fatherland and receive lectures on the undeserving poor and sub humans.

New Tory campaign poster aimed at the Youth Vote

 

LABOUR PARTY MANIFESTO POSTERS:

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS MANIFESTO

Satanic Faith Schools to open using Tory Education plans.

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Satanists have announced that they are to open a large number of satanic faith schools across the country. Their plans are dependent on the Tories getting elected and implementing their school policies.

The head priestess of the Satanic faith Lucy Fur said
'We believe we are onto a winner with these faith schools. Not only will we offer great education, which will result in the children getting good exam results, as long as they sell their soul to the Devil.


We also think parents will find the entry requirements far more interesting. If you want to place your child into a Christian school, you have to spend long boring hours sitting in Church listening to the priest droning on. Or you have to take your child to Sunday school.

For our schools you do need to attend our ceremonies, but the basic one you need to attend involves a Friday night in the woods, drinking wine and running around naked, in honour of our Dark Lord. Or you can come to our Saturday night drink and drug fuelled sexual orgies as we cavort on a huge pentagram carved into our temple floor.’

ICELAND DECLARES WAR

RED TOP NEWS FLASH

ICELAND DECLARES WAR ON UK

In the early hours of the morning Iceland launched an attack on the UK, which has resulted in the complete closer of UK airspace. The Prime minister spoke to the nation.

‘Today April 15th, 2010 a date which will live in infamy the United Kingdom was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the volcanic forces of the Icelandic Empire. The UK was at the moment at peace with that nation and was in conversation with its government about the repayments of money owned to us by the Icelandic banks’

The Red Top correspondent believes that this attack was in retaliation for Gordon Brown using the anti-terrorism laws to freeze Icelandic banking assets in the UK, during the 2008 world economic crisis. Negotiations between the two countries about repayments of the money are ongoing. Obviously Iceland in a desperate attempt to avoid repayment has declared war.

Our defence correspondent believes the attack was planned by Icelandic Admiral Bjork. Who sang to the Icelandic god of fire, ‘Frozen cheesecake £3.99’. Which then unleashed the ash attack onto the United Kingdom

Admiral Bjork’s plan seems to be to gain total air superiority over the United Kingdom and then drop deadly ash over the UK which will cause nasty smudging on people’s cars, which they had only just finished cleaning at the weekend.

 
  The Red Top will keep you updated during these dark days. We will be unbowed by the Icelandic Empire.

God Save the Queen.

ELECTION SPECIAL 2010

ELECTION SPECIAL

ELECTION CALLED FOR MAY 6TH

NATION GRIPPED BY EXCITEMENT

The Red Top will bring you all the debates, breaking news and scandal in the up coming election. With our correspondents all around the country bringing you the views of the electorate on the crucial issues of the campaign.

Your Red Top Guide to the political parties.

The Management Consultants Party

Aspirational is their key election idea. Previously Management consultants have been brought in to improve the Civil Service and other publicly run institutions. Now they have decided why spend all that time wining and dining ministers to try and win contracts. When they can just take over and run it themselves. Their Election campaign slogan, ‘Less Pigs means a smaller trough’

The Public Relations Party

Aspirational is their key election idea. Public relations companies have spent years coming up with spin for companies and political parties. So now they have decided to stand as a party themselves. They believe that with their vast experience of Spin an election victory will be easy. Said their leader, ‘Look how we got the nation in frenzy about a footballer and his affair’. We will feed all the media outlets with easy to use material for Radio, TV, magazines and the internet. Then sit back as they just pump it out, as its simple and cheap. Everyone will be talking about us and no one else will be mentioned.’

The Conservative Party.


Aspirational is their key election idea. Other polices include giving married people and extra 3 pound a week to be able to buy cheap wine to drown their sorrows. Make £6bn of efficiency savings in government by reducing the number of paper clips issued to civil servants, renegotiating the coffee vending machine contract for all civil service offices.

Stopping the rise on National Insurance as it’s a tax on companies’ profits…sorry jobs.

Allow anyone to open schools, so expect Mc Schools in every neighbourhood. The education might be crap but the schools meals are great.

Even closer ties with the far right in Europe. That way it will make the party look quite moderate when standing next to some of the east european parties.

Crack down on incapacity benefit. Each claimant will have to undergo a new test. They will be chased 50m by a pack of fox hounds. If they make the 50m they will survive and loose their benefits as they can cover 50m. If they don’t make it they will be savaged to death by the foxhounds and so off the benefit list. It’s win win.

The Labour Party


Aspirational is their key election idea. They promise to make efficiency savings in government by reducing the number of posit notes issued to civil servants, renegotiating the snacks vending machine contract for all civil service offices.

Toddlers tax credit. Yes if you send your child to make clothes in a back street sweat shop or get them to clean chimneys they will get tax credits link to their earnings.

They will introduce a new Bank tax, it won’t raise any money directly but the income tax raised by all the new accountants and lawyers employed to try and avoid the new bank tax, should raise a few quid.

The Liberal Democratic Party


Aspirational is their key election idea. Vince Cable to walk on the Thames and then enter the Treasury where he shall lay hands on the sick economy and it will rise again. He will go around the country, and will take a Fiver and two pound coins and divided it up amongst 5000 people and it will be good. The Fiver and 2 pound coins will become £1200.34 for each person and the people will prosper.


A new voting system where every votes count, using the first past the alternative proportionality post system.

Stop the nasty banks and businesses exploiting people in the Underdeveloped world or as they call it, that gap year country the kids went to. While still be able to buy those wonderful imported products at reasonable prices.


Other Parties Manifestos


The Scottish Nationalist Party.
‘FOR FREEDOM’

Green party
“Our policies will raise the cost of living in the short term, to save the planet in the long term. Wait wait come back there’s more.”

Plaid Cymru
Will demand the £300 million which it claims leaves Wales to go into the UK economy. Obviously they have no idea that Tom Jones song royalty fees don’t actually count as income for Wales, and the coal was cash on delivery. Thank you very much.

UKIP
Want to leave the European Union, while enjoying free trade with EU Nations. Which of course the nations of Europe will gladly agree to. As we sit on top of the white cliffs of Dover, in our Union Jack deck chairs wearing our union jack t-shirt while jeering at Europe across the channel.

Communist Party
‘What the collapse of the capitalist banking system? We told you so.’

Guide to the Leaders wives
One of the major issues of the election campaign, is the character of the leaders wife. We at the Red Top give you the indepth important details.
 
 

Samantha Cameron. English Rose, blue blooded, stylish clothing, but still affordable for the ‘ordinary people’, she’s lovely. God bless you maam.


Fragrance rating 10/10

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sarah Brown. Thinks Gordon Brown is a hero, ran a Public relations company. She is the most popular person on Twitter in the UK with over a million followers. Frumpy dress sense

Fragrance rating 5/10
 
 
 
 
 
 

Miriam González Durántez . A lawyer, from Spain, not even a British citizen grrr Red Top explodes!!! Send her home like the armada.
 
Fragrance rating 0/10
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Red Top Opinion Poll : How will you Vote ?


Here are the results of the first of many opinion polls that the Red Top will comission.

20% With a pencil at the ballot box

9% DUNK at the Dunk or Not at McVities biscuit website

5% NOT Dunk at the Dunk or Not at McVities biscuit website

12% Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ

8% To bring back David Tennanet as Dr Who

3% Reinstate John Terry as England Captain

13% Don't really give a toss.

30% What election ?

Members of the public make spoofs out of Parties Election Posters
As we have seen recently with election posters, no sooner have the parties come up with a campaign poster, than the internet is full of spoofs by members of the public. Here are some sent into the Red Top. I am sure you will agree they all make us chuckle and keep our minds of the dull election campaign so far.

 

GET INVOLVED in Future Election Specials

The Red Top will be conducting interviews with all the major party leaders. So please send in the questions you want asked. And remember this election is all about you, the little people. And we will publish the results in later editions.


Also send in your ideas for what you think a government should do when elected in 2010 (Editor. Please though no more ideas on the lines of 'Send the immigrants home' and 'Imprison pikeys and chavs.' thank you)

Meanwhile in a political party budget discussion.