ECONOMIC GROWTH OF 0.1% NATION REJOICES
Today it was announced that the British economy grew by 0.1%. This news lead to immediate rejoicing up and down the length and breadth of Britain. Street parties were held, office workers ran into the streets and into the pubs. Bankers were hugged again. And they immediately decided to increase their bonuses.
Prayers were said at Canterbury cathedral in thanks to the salvation of the UK economy.
Estate agents were seen dancing down the streets singing ‘Happy days are here again’
Shop keepers announced that their tills were ringing again. And online retailers announced record orders per minute after the news was announced.
Champagne was pumped through the Trafalgar square fountains.
Later in the day the Queen came and stood on the balcony of Buckingham palace to wave at the vast crowds that had gathered in the Mall to celebrate.
Gordon Brown with a smile on his face announced. ‘The good times are back.”
Did 4 year old child cause economic growth?
Some Economists or Gloom and doom merchants as we in the Red Top call them. Think the GDP increase of 0.1% may have actually been the result not of increased business activity.
But by a 4 year old who managed to get onto his parents PC and ordered 20,000 Lego sets off the Argos website.
Although the situation was quickly resolved the purchase found it’s way into the nation’s GDP figures.
The mum of the boy a Mrs Jane Green said “Who would have thought it, my Kevin responsible for growth of the UK economy. I am so proud of him.”
HAITI DISASTER IS A DISASTER FOR C LIST CELEBRATIES.
The disaster in Haiti has had a devastating impacting on C list celebrities careers. Many hoped to resurrect their careers as actors, singers or musicians, by getting involved in various charity events.
However the intervention of A list celebrities have brought these dreams crashing down on them.
One C list celeb interviewed by the Red Top Said.
“It’s an awful tragedy. I was ready to sing on the latest charity record, maybe get in the front row of the chorus. Then all the A list celebs turn up and take all the opportunities away. I mean in music Bono and the Edge turn up. Then Cold Play came in.
So I thought maybe some TV work. But then George Clooney and all his Hollywood mates turn up. As far as I am concerned that is the real disaster in all this. It looks like I will now have to dress as a 6 ft chicken and do a charity run just to get my face in the Local paper.
Alternatively you can donate directly to Haiti disaster fund and cut out ALL the middle men. www.redcross.org.uk/
WHO CAN TAKE OVER AND DESTROY BRITISH BUSINESS ? THE CANDY MAN CAN.
With the takeover of Cadbury’s by Krafty American Corp. Fears of job losses are high. However the Red Top Economic team has discovered even more grave news about the British brand.
First Cadbury World is to have it’s name changed to Candy Land. Tourists will be shown round by a new Corporate Mascot. Mr Squeezey Cheesy.
People will be able to see where Chocolate USE to be made and admire the packing plant where chocolate is imported from outsourced manufactures and are packed in the UK. So they can stick a Union Jack on the packaging.
The Demonstration area which once showed how chocolate was made. Will be replaced by a demonstration by Bankers, lawyers and Hedge fund managers. On how to maximize consultancy fees when organizing a hostile takeover.
The Red Top interviewed the Chairman of Cadbury’s and asked him about the take over deal, how it came about and it’s consequences.
“Well let me make it clear, this deal was no picnic to setup. Cadbury’s is a dream buy for any company. There was a wispa in the markets that we were a takeover target. With companies chomping at the bit to buy us. This of course gave our share price a massive boost. However the price was still not what I thought was acceptable. They tried to fudge the issues, with lots of twirling and twisting. However in the end they accepted that we were a star bar none in the confectionary market. After they called a timeout in the negotiations, they finally came back and despite the credit crunchie the deal went through with a great deal for our shareholders.”
Northern Ireland Devolution Crisis talks.
Parties are arguing over Jaffa cakes or Viscount biscuits for meetings.
The political parties in Northern Ireland are in talks to try and stop the collapse of the devolved government .The main sticking point between the Protestant Unionists and the Catholic Sinn Fein is what snack to server with coffee in government meetings.
Gordon Brown would not be drawn on which biscuit he wanted for N Ireland
Football results
Man Utd -£700M v Portsmouth -£100M
Arsenal –£20M v Spurs -£60M
Man City +Gallons of OIL v Liverpool -£400M
West Ham -£ Iceland’s debt v Wolves -£10M
Chelsea +£Russia’s Aluminium industry v Burnley +£ Fred’s meat pie factory
Everton -£10M +Possible Tesco’s super store. v Hull—£30M
Birmingham +Chinese clothing factory v Villa +£30M
Business news:
Mega Conglomerate Corp buys the City of Birmingham.
In shock news, Mega Conglomerate Corp (MCC) has stunned the financial world by buying the whole city of Birmingham. The chairman of MCC said. “We saw other business buying small bits of Birmingham's industry. With a favourable exchange rate and banks falling over themselves to lend money again. I thought well what can I buy. After looking at it I thought. We ARE MEGA CONGLOMERATE. Lets buy the whole damn city.
So we have. I can’t thank enough all those British banks and the Government for helping with the sale out of the city.”
The Red Top business team has discovered that MCC will actually ship the entire city brick by brick to Poland. As Labour costs are cheaper and it will be a more central location for their European operations
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