THE RED TOP NEWS
BLITZZARD BRITAIN. IS IT THE END OF CIVILIZATION ?
BLITZZARD BRITAIN. IS IT THE END OF CIVILIZATION ?
BATTLE OF BRITAIN’S BLIZZARDS SPECIAL
Britain is under sustained attack from blizzards coming from Europe. Causing travel chaos, power cuts, food shortages, schools closing and reports of cannibalism in Hampshire.
Is this the end of civilizations as we know it? Will House prices fall because of this winter weather? We asked Professor D Ice
This is how London will look if snow does not stop.Says Expert Prof D Ice
Professor D. Ice said “Yes with continual snow fall and icy weather, within weeks the entire fabric of civilization will break down. As people can’t get to the sales, pubs or go clubbing. They will suffer nervous breakdowns as
they play another board game with their families while stuck indoors. It’s all in my new book “Scary theory. Movie deal possible.”
Samantha Smith. Will be standing in a random street, freezing cold. To bring us the stories about people playing in snow . While she is dodging snow balls throw by children. She will be asking the public very dull obvious questions about the snow and receiving very dull obvious answers.
Brian George. Will be standing on a motorway bridge, freezing cold. To bring us the latest travel news. Even though he would be more useful reporting from the office. Expect lots of exciting shots of cars moving fairly slowly on the motorway. If we are lucky we might get picture of a jack knifed lorry.
John Snow. Will be standing at a salt mine, freezing cold. While trying to dodge huge lorries. To bring us the exciting story of lorries arriving empty, filling up with salt and then driving off. However there is the bonus of making jokes about his surname
She was meant to be in Poland but the flights to Warsaw were cancelled.
Sadly because of closed UK airports Mary is stuck in the Bahamas for some time.
BRITAIN BLITZED BY BLIZZARDS FROM EUROPE.
"WE CAN TAKE IT. WITH A PINCH OF SALT"
SAYS PUBLIC
Gordon Brown addressed the nation during it’s darkest hour. He said.
“The battle of flooding has ended. The battle of Britain's blizzards has begun.
Even though large Tracts of Europe have fallen into the icy grip of Siberian snow, we shall not flag or fail.
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in wellies
We shall fight on the snow and ice
We shall grit with growing confidence and growing strength on the roads, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,
We shall take sand from the beaches
We shall shovel on the school grounds
We shall salt on the motorways and in the streets,
We shall sledge in the hills
We will NEVER surrender.”
After these stirring words from the PM. He announced the cancellation of his tour of the UK because of the weather conditions. David Cameron promised the right kind of snow if elected.
GOVERNMENT PUBLIC INFORMATION
DO’s and DONT’S IN THE SNOW
DO: Wear Warm clothes when going out.
DON’T: Go out in beach wear carrying a bucket and spade to make snow castles.
DO: Carry a spade, food and a hot drink when driving your car.
DON’T: Drive a convertible with the roof down, while singing ‘Club Tropicana’
DO: Make snow persons, it’s FUN
DON’T: Place carrots in inappropriate places on a snow person. This could lead to you being put on the sex offenders register. Under the Knee Jerk protect the kids from Pedo’s act 2009.
DO: Use Cat Litter on paths if no salt is available
DON’T: Use used cat litter. Or use CATS to brush snow off paths.
DO: Stock up on a few essential items such as milk. Bread and medical items.
DON’T: Run into your local supermarket, waving an axe. Screaming ‘We are all GOING TO DIE.” Then run out pushing a trolley full of powdered milk and one can of peaches.
Head of Business group says. “Snow is for kids. GET BACK TO WORK!”
The head of Business group. ‘Business against non profit activity’. Mr A Killjoy said.
“It’s a disgrace people not getting into work. They should realise their ONLY responsibility is to their employer. And if they injury themselves or die while getting into work. Then it’s a price worth paying for the sake of the nations growth figures and my share holders.”
Asked if he himself had problems getting in he replied.
“No problems at all. As I am actually on a Directors, team bonding golf week in Florida.
However if I was in the UK my chauffer would make all efforts necessary to get me to the office.”
THE RED TOP FREEZY FACTS
1) Parts of Britain were said to be Colder than the South Pole. Until the BBC researcher realised they had mixed up Fahrenheit and Celsius.
2) Coldest place in Britain was in fact 25 Hill road in York. Where the atmosphere was –50 Celsius. As Sharon and her boyfriend Brian were no longer talking to each other. Having just about managed to survive Christmas and New year together. The enforced extended time together caused by the snow, made the atmosphere some what frosty.
3) 15% of school children showed their parents fake ‘Schools closed’ websites set up by their friends.
4) 90% of 4x4 car owners kept their cars in the garage. As the possible reduction of resale value caused by salt, out weighed helping to get food and medicines to vulnerable people.
5) After viewing more than 30 pictures of snow. People will start to loose the will to live.
The Red Top COMMEMORATIVE ‘BLITZZARD BRITAIN GIFTS SET’
A lasting reminder of how you survived the mini ice age. Which you can show your Grandchildren.
Who can’t forget the sleek lines of the Mark IV Gritter Lorry and the roar of the Merlin Sand scatter device at the back.
The machine that kept Britain FREE. And moving along major transport routes.
The Mark IV Gritter Lorry Poster £14.50
‘The Few’ Poster or Mug £13.99 or £5.99
Commemorating the brave Weather people. Know as ‘ The Few’ We watched day and night, as the small band of hero's flew virtually over the UK weather map. To warn us of the incoming danger.
Some times called the forgotten heroes. Cats endured weeks unable to go to the toilet. As the ground was to hard to dig. And all their litter trays were empty as people piled cat litter on the roads and pavements.
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