The Red Top News - July11

Today we are honoured to have the head of Mega News Corp (Owner of The Red Top News) Rupert Bearface, writing in The Red Top News about how the on-going phone hacking scandal is affecting the media.

Chairman of MEGA NEWS CORP Rupert Bearface:

I would first like to say that this is the second most humble day of my life, the first being when one of my ex-wives caught me in bed with the nanny and said to her ‘You can keep the old cock but the  credit cards are mine!”. That was truly a humbling experience that required a lot of counselling and Viagra to resolve.

Chairman Rupert Bearface

So may I start by saying I deeply regret the hacking of simple, ordinary, common, simple people’s phones. This was frankly a disgrace as we all know you shift more papers when celebrities are involved, so for that I humbly apologies to our shareholders. Now in defence of our reporting of celebrity news, well first of all no one forced you the reader to buy this stuff, you all strolled into the new agents and bought it. Where did you think we found this stuff? A fire side chat with the film star and the prostitute?

Our publications did a great job entertaining the public and frankly saving many relationships. Just think how many couples would have survived the long weekend together, both sick of the sight of each other with nothing to say, without the Sunday morning boost of the most salacious stories our Sunday paper; “The World of News” could provide, so giving people something to talk about other than their own, ordinary common simple lives. This is something that Mega News Corp should be thanked for.

Anyway that’s the apology over, didn’t get where I am today by crying over spilt milk.

The Possible future of the Media.

Now let me show you the media world that could appear if the do-gooders get their way and the great Red Top tradition is lost. I will compare The Red Top News with that liberal, pinko, bleeding heart, eco-friendly publication The Gaydardian. To show you what the future holds let’s compare some headlines

 The Red Top News –

Film Stars drug fuelled Orgy with Nazi dressed prostitutes to star in holocaust film.

The Gaydardian –

62% of sub-Saharan people suffer from diseases and poverty. Something must be done!

Yeah that Gaydardian headline goes down like a cup of cold sick over a Sunday morning breakfast table doesn’t it ! Bet you would be taking long Sunday walks rather than reading that stuff.

Or another

The Red Top News –

Starlet – My struggle with drink, drugs and my lesbian relationship with my half-sisters &  best friend.

The Gaydardian –

Special report on government spending cuts and corporate tax evasion by Mega News Corp.

You see, that’s the sort of dull reports you can expect if The Red Tops go, you would be reaching for the kitchen knife and slitting your own throat if you had to wade through that.

Finally I would like to mention the supposed influence of Mega News Corp on politics, well we have had a good working relationship with British governments and some believe that will now end. Well I tell you this; I am head of MEGA NEWS CORP. I run the show, the commentators are correct we will no longer support a political party because I will now create a new party!

The New Cabinet

I will throw the full weight of my media empire behind it, you will vote for it because that is the only positive political commentary you will hear read and watch!  HAHAHAHAHAHA

 No longer power by proxy I will rule your country MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

 

Business news

UK GDP 2^nd quarter growth at 0.2%

Growth figures for the UK economy were released this week, showing growth of just 0.2% The Red Top News talked to the chancellor George Osborne to ask him about his thoughts on the situation he said;

‘Well these are positive numbers which is always a good thing and of course we had some unique events that influenced economic growth like Weather, who would have expected that, and we are not Greece, a royal wedding where everyone had one extra day off. Which was a Friday before a bank holiday which we all know is when everyone is err working at full speed and um Sharon from Romford hurt her back so she couldn’t go shopping that effected the figures.”

The Red Top News asked him about the future prospects for the country’s economy he said;

“Well at least we are not Greece did I mention that ? And um people will probably have to holiday in the UK as we devalued the currency to help our export of manufacture goods which last quarter rose by a whopping  1.3% err sorry no that was minus 1.3% who would have thought that was possible, hey what about a song?

(Mr Osborne Breaks into a song)

And….Always look on the Bright side of life

Always look on the light side of life

If life seems Jolly rotten

There’s something you’ve forgotten……We loved singing this to the Oiks when the Bullingdon crowd where out drinking.

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

(At which point the Chancellors advisors and civil servants  joined in)

And...always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

The Chancellor then said; ‘Funny in the film it was the bloke who was being crucified that sang this, when now it’s me crucifying you all financially, it’s a funny old world."

And always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the right side of life...

(Come on guys, cheer up!)

Always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the bright side of life...

(Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life...

A WITCH!  A WITCH!

In breaking news, it has been announced by Mega News Corp that it found the real culprit of the phone hacking scandal, they have been identified  as the former editor of the World of the News, Rebecca Tudor who has been discovered to be a witch.

Rebecca Tudor Ex Editor and WITCH!!

The statement from Mega News Corp said. “Many people believed that this whole scandal was caused by a rich media corporation using unscrupulous tactics while working with private investigators and the police, to increase its profit margins. However we now believe that Rebecca Tudor was in fact using witchcraft to cast a spell over people. How else can you explain the corrupting of fine members of the police  force and our greatest parliamentarians?

We will work fully with the inquiry lead by Matthew Hopkins the Witch Finder General. We hope that the burning of this witch in the middle of parliament square will satisfy the public demand for revenge and let the government, police and media carry on its business. And all the men involved get to put the blame on one women!

A final statement from our Chairman about The Red Top News.

Rupert Bearface:

You may be wondering why with my entire media empire to choose from I  selected The Red Top News to issue my offical statement. Some may believe that it is because The Red Top News is a fine, honest upstanding publication encompassing all that is great in investigative reporting. That would be wrong;

I have chosen The Red Top News because the entire staff are such a bunch technological incompetents that there is no way that could even hack their own phones, let alone anyone else’s. Indeed that can’t even use the drinks machines in the office and the vending machines still contain Marathon bars such is their collective inability to use it. (That would be Snickers bars for our younger readers) So I truly believe their hands are clean.Thank you.

The Red Top News July 2011

Is this couple the new Mira Hindley and Ian Brady!!

The Red Top is OUTRAGED at the sick and depraved actions of this evil couple, not only have they been voyeuristically looking into the lives of our finest actors and celebrities, who have been doing nothing more than good work for charities. They intruded into the lives of poor sick kiddies and our Lads, our Boys, our HEROS in the armed services; The Red Top says HANGING is too good for them!

If you too are outrage by the insult to our poor sick Boys, Heroes, kiddies, Brave Lads, please call our premium number (call rate £3.00 a min) to express your outrage.

(Can I have some Valium now Ed?)

The Red Top demands the introduction of Murdoch’s Law

Please Save me from the Evil Tabloids!

 The Red Top News today is launching its campaign for the introduction of Murdoch’s Laws to protect our kiddies from the evil predator scum that is the Murdoch print press.

Please sign up to our online campaign “STOP THE SCUM” and we shall take the petition to Downing Street where our B list celeb’s will present it to the Prime Minister.

(Please note we also offer good rates to advertise in The Red Top News)

Hacking Scandal who is to blame ?

In an interview today a leading Tabloid Journalist said it was well known in the print media that the real culprit for the phone hacking scandal was you the reader.

He went on to say; ‘If the reader did not have such a deep desire to read the salacious details about the private lives of celebrities or drool over the minute  details of murder stories, there would be no need for us to investigate such things. We the private investigators, journalist and editors are the real victims in this. Don’t blame the messenger.’

(Can I have an anti-nausea pill now Ed ?)

Libya says “We will surrender if we get a Wills and Kate Tour”

Operation Happiness and Joy

Colonel Gaddafi has offered to surrender to NATO forces and give himself up to the war crimes court in The Hague. The only condition he asks is that the Western powers guarantee a 5 day tour of Libya by Prince William and Princess Katherine. Colonel Gaddafi said; ‘We all saw in the tour of Canada the joy and hope that a mere glimpse of the couple gives to the simple, ordinary person. I am willing to surrender to give our own ordinary simple people that sunlight into their dull lives. I do hope Kate wears a Libya themed hat'

Can Sex Bomb bring peace ?

On hearing the news there were reports that Hamas and the PLO said they too would give up their struggle with Israel if the Royal couple would visit Palestine. The leader of Hamas was reported to have said;’ If Pippa Middleton came along as well, we would drop the whole issue about going back to the original 1967 borders as well.” 

And in breaking news the Taliban has said it too would stop its struggle if William and Kate toured their land spreading goodness and light. Though they stressed that Kate and Pippa would need to wear the traditional Jilbab but Pippa’s arse would still look good in it.’

Official Harry Potter to be a World Religion.

With thousands of people sitting in the rain in Trafalgar square just to get a glimpse of the cast before the last Harry Potter film’s premier, it has been decided that Harry Potter is to be proclaimed as an official religion. The followers of the religion are to be called Potties and will be given full protection under the law.

A spokesperson for the new Potty religion said ‘I am glad that our dedicated following of the leading characters of the films and our endless study of the books have been recognised, I mean we put more effort in than those Jedi lot. Our religion has the largest percentage of young followers compared to any other religion. There are reports of a number of Catholic priests switching to our religion! See we are even converting people.”

 Though there may already a split in the Potty religion where some people follow Harry as the True leader of the faith while others follow the writer J.K Rowling.

National Audit office concerned about changes to Aircraft carriers

Original design of aircraft carrier

The National audit office has expressed deep concern about changes to the Royal Navy aircraft carriers. It would appear that significant changes are to be made and the aircraft carriers will now look like the picture below.

New look Aircraft Liner

The Defence Secretary spoke about the changes he said;’ We have decided to remove the hangers, ammunition storage, runway and replace them with 400 luxury bedrooms, 4 restaurants a couple of swimming pools and even a casino. We think the new Aircraft Liners will be the first time that a MOD contract has returned a profit.

LIFE STYLE

 

LIFE N STUFF with Brad Name. (includes glossy adverts.)

Brad Name will be travelling the world to ask people what Stuff they need to give meaning to their lives.

Brad: ‘Hi I am Brad Name and today I am talking to Semira here in Mauritius about her life style choices.

Style is Everything- Everthing is Style (Deep! Buy our Product)

Semira:’I’m sorry but this is an aid camp in Kenya’

Brad :’ Ah I caught the wrong flight, still we are here now. So Semira what would you call the big lifeaffirming experiences you have enjoyed?”

Semira:’Sorry I don’t understand?

Brad: ‘You know swimming off the Great Barrier reef ? An all-night party in a Mediterranean resort, watching some awesome band and then watching the sun rise.

Freedom is booking one of our Holidays.

Semira:’Sorry I really don’t understand the question.’

Brad: ‘Like sky diving onto a high mountain then abseiling down. To give you that rush when you put your life on the line.

Semira:’Um, well it was great to get the new well in our village, so we could drink clean water and not get sick.

Live the Digital Dream.

Brad:’ OK OK, keep it light love. What about gadgets like mobile phone, Mp3 players or tablet computer, what is the latest trend setter here in the, err aid camp.

Semira:’ We are getting tents here now.

Brad:’Oh right tents. Are they light weight ones that you can carry easily when walking through the Grand Canyon and still carry your parachute that you use to base jump ?

Semira: No sir they are just tents. But I have walked many miles and am very hungry

Err More Freedom!

Brad:’ Hungry? Are you on some trendy celebrity diet program? We love that sort of thing here at Life N Stuff.

Semira:’ We have a very poor diet, little food but the camp is giving us more now.’

Brad:’ Ah I see this isn’t going well. Semira what are your Top 10 things to do before you die?’

Semira:’ Give birth and raise a family, we have high mortality for mothers in child birth.

Brad:’ This is Brad Name saying goodbye to his career and wishing I had checked my flight. And it’s probably good bye to Life N Stuff.

If you would like to help Semira with her life style choice please visit.

http://www.redcross.org.uk/

THE RED TOP NEWS-May2011

IMF Arrested for Rape and Pillage

New York police have announced the arrest of the entire IMF organization on suspicion of raping and pillaging numerous defenceless countries over the last 50 years. New York Detective Starsky in charge of the investigation said: “We were investigating the alleged attack on a Maid by the head of the IMF MR Strauss-Kahn, during our search of the IMF offices we discovered evidence that for the last 50 years the IMF have been hanging around poor vulnerable countries and imposing their frankly sick will upon them.

 These countries were just down on their luck and asking for help and the IMF using predatory methods left them shattered and devastated.”

Detectives in hot pursuit of the IMF

Asked what will be next for the investigation Detective Starsky said:” My colleague Detective Hutch is currently interviewing the IMF’s latest victims a Miss Ireland, Greece and Portugal. We will give you an update in the coming days.”


Ken Clarke in row over different levels of ‘Tory’

Ken Clarke has caused controversy by declaring there are different levels of Tory. From Serious Tory like Dr Fox and Mrs Thatcher or a Date Tory like Nick Clegg, to under age Tory like a young William Hague. However the Prime Minister stepped into the row to say that "Being a Tory was one of the most serious crimes imaginable and all should be treated the same."

Queen on historic visit to Ireland  to

enjoy a decent Pint of Guinness and buy Ireland.

Queen Elizabeth II is on an historic visit to Ireland the first British Monarch to visit Ireland in over 100 years. Due to the history between the two nations it was seen as to sensitive for a British Monarch to visit.

"I will give £100 for the entire place."

In a statement from the palace her majesty said: “One is so happy to visit the nation of Eire and meet its people, but I am really looking forward to sinking a few decent pints of Guinness and then buying Ireland, it’s so cheap at the moment there. I can sale just one painting from the Royal collection and buy the whole nation. Eat that you republicans, this is for Grandpapa George. I have already talked to the IMF and they are keen to get whatever money they can to cover the debts of the place.”

The Red Top asked the new Irish Prime Minister what he thought of the News he replied. ‘Oh Feck’

Police condemn government budget cuts of Police

 services.

Miners to come out on strike in sympathy…NOT.

"What goes around comes around."

The Chairman of the Police Federation in England and Wales says budget cuts are "revenge" for officers opposing similar savings in the 1990s.

On hearing the news the head of the N.U.M said: “We have sympathy with our fellow workers and we will ask the head of the TUC to call a national strike (Laughing). Only joking! me and the boys are having a right laugh at the moment, we remember them waving their overtime payslips during the miners’ strike. What goes around comes around.

Government announce new heating allowance for families. Gather around a touring Torch.

Bringing a warm glow to the nation

Today the government have announced a new heating benefit for hard up families. From next year a torch will be carried around the country visiting towns and cities. And for an hour families can turn off their heating and gather around the torch to keep warm, so saving £6.50 on their family energy bills. A government spokesman said: “This is just a trial in 2012 but we think it’s just the sort of help hard up families need in this time of rising energy costs.” The Map of the route is shown below.

Feel the Warmth!

Advert

Come to the Western Europe Arms fair Exhibition in Libya

Want to buy a Jet Fighter? Missile? or Minesweeper? Not sure if it’s the right choice for you? Well worry no more NATO is offering a six month exhibition of the latest kit in Libya. Everyone is welcome to watch and learn about what the latest weapons technology can do.

To make an appointment visit us at our website. http://www.nato.int/cps/en/natolive/71679.htm

or watch daily footage on most news channels.

Editorial

 

Party like its 1411!

 With millions in the streets watching a Royal wedding and millions gathered to watch the late Pope John Paul II take the next stage on the road to sainthood at a ceremony at the Vatican,The Red Top says WTF!

Has the entire western world regressed to the 15^th Century but with Twitter and facebook. Not only do we have people waving inanely at a hereditary ruling pantomime family, we then see millions gathering at the Vatican to seeing a pope being put on the road to Sainthood based on one event were he miraculously healed a nun of Parkinson disease.

We would point out the same Pope who could not use his saintly powers to spot a Paedophile priest from 5 feet away. But as they say: “The Lord Moves in mysterious ways”. Anyway in celebration of this progress of humanity the next Red Top with be printed on animal skin.
 

The Red Tops News March

NUCLEAR DISASTER SPECIAL!

With the on-going incident at the Fukushima nuclear plant, the Red Top brings you an update on the situation. On Friday we interviewed Professor Ray Gamma when the nuclear plant first reported problems, in his initial reaction he said; “I think we have nothing to worry about, it is just a slight problem. I think it is just a procedural thing, declaring a nuclear incident. Indeed I believe it was just because someone had to manual press a button (Chuckles). There is no need to panic.”

On Saturday and Sunday we had a Q&A session with him.

Prof Ray Gamma

The Red Top: “Professor Ray Gamma it has been announced that the cooling system has totally failed on one of the reactors.”

Prof Ray Gamma: “There is again nothing really to worry about they have backup plans for this sort of thing. Nuclear power is safe more people die from the carbon from coal fire power stations.”

Not long after we showed the Prof the film of the explosion that occurred at the plant.

Prof Ray Gamma ‘WOW!..err I mean that does not look critical, it does not look like a nuclear explosion.  In fact I think you will find the building is designed to explode like that.”

The Red Top:”Is it really?”

Prof Ray Gamma: “Yes yes it’s fine, look the cloud isn’t even mushroom shaped.”

The Red Top: “But surely an explosion is never good ?”

Prof Ray Gamma: “Look I am a professor of nuclear physics and who are you going to believe, me or your mate who has his ‘Theory’? The same mate who still gazes in wonder at his potato in the microwave as it goes around and around and he still thinks it magic that cooks it.

The Red Top: “Professor is it true that you also receive a lot of funding from the Nuclear Industry?”

Prof Ray Gamma: “Err yes that is true but that doesn’t influence me. Look there has been a small leak and frankly you get more exposure when you have an X-ray, as long as you don’t ingest the nuclear particles.

The Red Top: “Sorry you said as long as you don’t ingest the particles?”

When is a needle in the RED ever good !?

Prof Ray Gamma: “Yes on the skin its fine, but even if you ingest a nuclear particle it will be at least 10 years before it will cause any harm!. I mean you are probably going to drink yourself to death before then.

The Red Top: “Are you just playing down this so you keep that nice well paid advisor for the nuclear industry role.

Prof Ray Gamma: “Look I am an independent Nuclear physicist who gives calming advice while ridiculing anyone else who dares challenge the ‘Nuclear is safe’ narrative.

 SUNDAY:

The Red Top: "So Professor the news today is that the nuclear rods are now partially exposed your thoughts?"

Prof Ray Gamma: “Look, think of the nuclear reactor as a large Kettle. All it needs is a slight topping up of water to cover the elements of the kettle and we can all have a nice cup of tea.

The Red Top: “News just in it seems the rods are now totally exposed?”

Prof Gamma: “Right will be back in a second.”

Nothing  to see move..well it's radiation there is NOTHING to see

Prof Gamma disappeared for 15 min and then comes back wearing a radiation suit.

Prof Gamma: ‘Look it is a slight problem but the rods are still in the nice safe containment vessel. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY IODINE TABLETS”

The Red Top on Monday tried to contact Professor Ray Gamma however it appears that the phone line from his underground bunker in his back garden was not working.

DISASTER STATS

With any breaking disaster story the TV Channels and newspapers are full of stats about how bad the disaster was. We at the Red Top bring you the latest Stats presented by the BBC Cricket Test Match Special Team.

The Team with the Stats.

Jonathan Agnew; “Well welcomes to Disaster Stats Special and in the commentary box with me are our old friends Geoff Boycott and Blowers. First up, this earthquake was in the top ten largest quakes every recorded what do we think of that Geoffrey?

Geoff Boycott: “Well Aggers I wouldn’t put too much stall in that. I mean it depends where the earthquake occurs. A smaller one in a less developed nation causes much more damage. It’s all about the skill level of the opposition you score your runs against Aggers.

Jonathan Agnew: “ Err yes Geoffrey. Anyway it was the 14^th Biggest Tsunami knocking the one of the coast of Chile in 1834 down a place. Your thoughts Geoffrey?”

Geoff Boycott: “They won’t be happy in Chile about that will they? But records are made to be broken. In fact I have just heard the Nuclear accident in Japan has been upgraded from a 4 to a 5. So they are catching up the UK's on Nuclear accident record set at Windscale in 1957.

Jonathan Agnew: “Blowers it’s going to maybe be a trillion dollar insurance bill. It could go to the top of the list for the largest insurance bill ever.

Blowers: It reminds me of that large insurance claim for hurricane Katrina, the largest claim made on a Friday at Lloyd’s, just before tea. Oh look a lovely Red Bus has just gone by.

Jonathan Agnew:” And Geoffrey an earthquake, Tsunami and Nuclear disaster all in one go, quite a Test for the Media?

Geoff Boycott: “Well Aggers as I watched the 2^nd nuclear reactor containment building explode repeatedly on the Sky News, “News Wall”, juxtaposition with a little Japanese kiddie being given the once over by a Geiger counter while they listed the top 5 nuclear accidents. I thought this is what disaster reporting is all about.

Jonathan Agnew: ”Well that’s all from Disaster Stats Special we are going to tuck into a nice chocolate cake sent into us by Mrs Jones from Surrey.”

 RED TOP SAYS SEND IN THE SAS

In recent weeks the Red Top News has come to the conclusion that the best way to deal with the difficult economic, political and community problems facing this nation is not insightful debate but to SEND IN THE SAS to sort things out.

Disruptive kids in school: Employ more social workers to sit down and find out their problems?

NO SEND IN THE SAS. Take them up on the Welsh mountains and interrogate them. They won’t be disruptive again.

Public Sector workers complaining about their Pensions: Lots of negotiations between Unions and the Local Government minister?

NO SEND IN THE SAS. Put the union officials in a meeting room and get the SAS to fire live ammunition around the ears until they capitulate.

Banker Bonuses: Negotiate a new bonus Tax.

NO SEND IN THE SAS to seizure their assets… actually not a good idea as they are protected by ex-SAS security guards.

A Red Top Newspaper that needs to fill it pages: Employ more journalists to write for them?

NO SEND IN THE SAS to some country so we can print BIG Maps on the front page and have 6 pages of pictures of weapons systems with stats no one understands.

Really it flies at 160mph! Just get the round in.

Main Rotor Diameter 53ft 8in
Tail Rotor Diameter 11ft
Overall Length With Rotors Turning 64ft 9in
Maximum Height to Top Turning Tail Rotor 16ft 9in
Empty Weight11, 780lb
Mission Gross Weight 16,864lb
Maximum Gross Weight 22,000lb

A rebel force is trying to overthrow a dictator but they need help. SEND IN THE SAS AT NIGHT IN THE HELICOPTER FLYING JUST 20M OFF THE GROUND…err no wait probably best to maybe send a diplomat by car or maybe just phone them!

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MIDDLE EAST

 DICTATOR AND A MIDDLE EAST MONACH.

DICTATOR:   Absolute power                                

MONACH:      Absolute power

DICTATOR:   No freedom of speech

MONACH:      No freedom of speech

DICTATOR:   Secret Police

MONACH:      Secret Police

DICTATOR:   Rubber Stamp Parliament

MONACH:      Rubber Stamp Parliament

DICTATOR:   Came to power in a Military Coup.

MONACH:      Anointed by GOD, to rule over their subjects just like the Royal families of Europe. God bless you your highness.

DICTATOR:   Need to be overthrown by their freedom loving people.

MONACH:      Needs our full support, bloody good chaps send their children to Eton you    know.

DICTATOR: Uses foreign mercenaries to remain in powers.

MONACH:    Invites in Foreign troops in to keep them in power. Don't worry the officers were trained at Sandhurst.

DICTATOR:   No Royal Wedding invite

MONACH:      Royal Wedding invite. It would just totally ruin the seating plan if they didn’t come.

If you can spot the difference please contact the EU, NATO, UN etc etc.