THE RED TOP NEWS-May2011

IMF Arrested for Rape and Pillage

New York police have announced the arrest of the entire IMF organization on suspicion of raping and pillaging numerous defenceless countries over the last 50 years. New York Detective Starsky in charge of the investigation said: “We were investigating the alleged attack on a Maid by the head of the IMF MR Strauss-Kahn, during our search of the IMF offices we discovered evidence that for the last 50 years the IMF have been hanging around poor vulnerable countries and imposing their frankly sick will upon them.

 These countries were just down on their luck and asking for help and the IMF using predatory methods left them shattered and devastated.”

Detectives in hot pursuit of the IMF

Asked what will be next for the investigation Detective Starsky said:” My colleague Detective Hutch is currently interviewing the IMF’s latest victims a Miss Ireland, Greece and Portugal. We will give you an update in the coming days.”


Ken Clarke in row over different levels of ‘Tory’

Ken Clarke has caused controversy by declaring there are different levels of Tory. From Serious Tory like Dr Fox and Mrs Thatcher or a Date Tory like Nick Clegg, to under age Tory like a young William Hague. However the Prime Minister stepped into the row to say that "Being a Tory was one of the most serious crimes imaginable and all should be treated the same."

Queen on historic visit to Ireland  to

enjoy a decent Pint of Guinness and buy Ireland.

Queen Elizabeth II is on an historic visit to Ireland the first British Monarch to visit Ireland in over 100 years. Due to the history between the two nations it was seen as to sensitive for a British Monarch to visit.

"I will give £100 for the entire place."

In a statement from the palace her majesty said: “One is so happy to visit the nation of Eire and meet its people, but I am really looking forward to sinking a few decent pints of Guinness and then buying Ireland, it’s so cheap at the moment there. I can sale just one painting from the Royal collection and buy the whole nation. Eat that you republicans, this is for Grandpapa George. I have already talked to the IMF and they are keen to get whatever money they can to cover the debts of the place.”

The Red Top asked the new Irish Prime Minister what he thought of the News he replied. ‘Oh Feck’

Police condemn government budget cuts of Police

 services.

Miners to come out on strike in sympathy…NOT.

"What goes around comes around."

The Chairman of the Police Federation in England and Wales says budget cuts are "revenge" for officers opposing similar savings in the 1990s.

On hearing the news the head of the N.U.M said: “We have sympathy with our fellow workers and we will ask the head of the TUC to call a national strike (Laughing). Only joking! me and the boys are having a right laugh at the moment, we remember them waving their overtime payslips during the miners’ strike. What goes around comes around.

Government announce new heating allowance for families. Gather around a touring Torch.

Bringing a warm glow to the nation

Today the government have announced a new heating benefit for hard up families. From next year a torch will be carried around the country visiting towns and cities. And for an hour families can turn off their heating and gather around the torch to keep warm, so saving £6.50 on their family energy bills. A government spokesman said: “This is just a trial in 2012 but we think it’s just the sort of help hard up families need in this time of rising energy costs.” The Map of the route is shown below.

Feel the Warmth!

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Editorial

 

Party like its 1411!

 With millions in the streets watching a Royal wedding and millions gathered to watch the late Pope John Paul II take the next stage on the road to sainthood at a ceremony at the Vatican,The Red Top says WTF!

Has the entire western world regressed to the 15^th Century but with Twitter and facebook. Not only do we have people waving inanely at a hereditary ruling pantomime family, we then see millions gathering at the Vatican to seeing a pope being put on the road to Sainthood based on one event were he miraculously healed a nun of Parkinson disease.

We would point out the same Pope who could not use his saintly powers to spot a Paedophile priest from 5 feet away. But as they say: “The Lord Moves in mysterious ways”. Anyway in celebration of this progress of humanity the next Red Top with be printed on animal skin.