THE RED TOP NEWS -Aug2010(2)

Long running series Extreme Makeover Home Edition: IRAQ ends.

The 7 year long edition of Extreme Makeover Home Edition: IRAQ has finally come to an end.

The team went into Iraq after hearing the tragic story of the Iraqi people. With stories of how they were repressed by an Evil dictator, while living in a terribly run down country.

The presenter of the program George W. Bush said ‘Well it’s one of the toughest Makeovers we have had to do. The country was in a terrible state, they didn’t have a single mobile phone provider, or a Mc Donald’s or Star Bucks.

The Makeover Team Head home. Mission accomplished

So we thought the best way to deal with the situation was to actually just gut the place. We demolished every thing really. Then we rebuilt it from scratch using the finest materials from the US of A. I think we leave Iraq in a better condition than we found it, there were tears in the people’s eyes as we pulled out with our equipment. It's mission accomplished.

Government to Sale off National Parks and Forests

New Forest to become New Look Forest

Mount Snowdon will become Mount Fujitsu

The Treasury has announced plans to sale off the countries National Parks and Forests. The Chancellor George Osborne said. It’s obvious to us, that only once in the private sector can the free market be unleashed in the country side. Allowing trees, wildlife such as deer, badgers, squirrels and song birds, to be much more entrepreneurial then they ever can be under state control.


He explained in greater detail how the privatisation would work. ‘ First of all to encourage buyers we will allow them to rename the parks and forests, so for example the New Forest will become New Look Forest, the Forest of Dean will become the Forest of McDonalds, the Lake district will become the District of the People's Republic of China Bank, mount Snowdon will become Mount Fujitsu.

Forest of Dean Protestor Lisa Baker

To make it more attractive to investors we will be introducing one more radical proposal. Every citizen within the boarders of the parks and forest will automatically become Serfs to the multi national that buys them. So for example the Bank of China could build lots of sweat shop factories in the Lake District with a ready supply of cheap tied labour. People may be concerned but remember these are grave time and radical proposals are needed.

Within an hour of the announcement a campaign was launched to save the forests. A Miss Lisa Baker from the Ewok community in the Forest of Dean said. ‘We are going to oppose this privatisation, and we will win. We Ewok’s are going nowhere, don’t they remember what we did to the last Evil Empire that tried to take over our forest!’

 
 

 

New A level grade to be introduced

A* to be replaced with A££££

Top Universities in the UK have complained that they are once again unable to identify high achieving students by their A level grades. Spokesmen for the Russell Group representing top universities such as Oxford, Cambridge, Kings College London and Staffordshire said.’ We are finding it harder and harder to distinguish between excellent students and great students, and interviewing is taking up a great deal of time.

 So we have suggested the introduction of the A££££ grade. This will show that the student went to a fee paying school to do their A levels, and so are the right sort to go to one of the great educational institutions. I mean it’s all well and good some oik getting 3 A*’s but they don’t have the right social skills or the network of like minded people. I mean they don’t even know what cutlery to use or which way to pass the port at social occasions. It will take months to teach them the basics.'

The A££££ grades of Eton

We also think maybe for some of the top public schools like Eton the A££££ grade will be awarded, while lesser public schools like for example, St Inbred and illegitimate child school in Inverness(Motto: Ex Site ex Mens) would get a A£ grade.


With the reduction in university funding some of these state school pupils must realise that the 'Dreaming Spires' are just that. So they should stop dreaming, and they should go and work in retailing and learn a trade. Social mobility no thank you, we are pulling up the draw bridge for our little darlings theres a recession you know!

THE RED TOP NEWS

PRETTY GIRLS GET A LEVEL RESULTS SPECIAL

Don’t miss tomorrow special feature of how well girls do at A levels. With 12 pages of pictures of pretty 18 year old girls getting their results…(Err we mean in-depth analysis of the educational gender gap.)

New non emergency health number 111

to be introduced.

A new non emergency number 111 has been introduced to relieve pressure on the 999 number. It is designed for less urgent calls like prescription enquiries, minor sickness like broken arms, heart attacks etc.

The health secretary said. ‘Well it’s designed to reduce costs, by sowing enough confusion that for example, people who have had a critical fall will maybe ring 111. By the time they are connected to the correct 999 number they will probably be dead and that will save a fortune in A&E costs. We are expecting at least 36% of all emergency calls to go to the wrong number. Also the beauty is that in say 3 years, when people just get the hang of it we will change the number again.

Nick Clegg: Diary of a Deputy P.M. aged 43 1/2

Nick clegg has kindly kept a diary for The Red Top News, while he has been ‘Leading the Government’ when David Cameron was on holiday.

Monday:’ Well crikey who would have believed it a Liberal leader with his hands on the levers of power. Of course I do need to ring Dave on the Blackberry even if I think about pulling one. Anyway busy week to come, need to get prepared. First off need to polish Dave and George's shoes and make sure there is no dust in their office.

Tuesday: ‘Well I did my first ‘Meet Nick’ meeting, where the public get to talk to me directly face to face. Another Liberal initiative, I didn’t see Gordon Brown doing that sort of thing. It went well, even though I was called traitor and many people told me that they would never vote for a bunch of ‘Tory boot lickers’ again. Obviously they don’t see the big picture and we are suffering the blows for the cuts the coalition have to make. However it will pay dividends in the end.


Wednesday: ‘Well funny old day, George Osborne was due to give a speech about the budget cuts, but he rang to say he was feeling a bit unwell and so could I give it. Well I am always happy to help, so once again stood up and made the case. I think the Liberal party will be seen as a strong and decisive the more we talk about these things.

Thursday: ‘Took a odd phone call from someone who said they were a Liberal MP. Sounding a bit ‘Tired and emotional’ they said that I was ‘Ruining the party, you idiot. We are going to be slaughtered at the next election. (Sound of crying) Is this what we became Liberals for ? You stupid B*******, that’s it, I am off to join Labour, or to the off licence…HICK.’
He then put the phone down, still I expect being Deputy Prime Minister I will get lots of crank calls. But I know I have the full support of the party behind me.

Friday: ‘As I sat in my deputy PM’s office pondering a successful week. It’s a great feeling to know that a Liberal has for the first time in decades the ability to exercise real power. Anyway I am off to a meeting of civil servants to discuss the ‘Sick kiddies, disabled people, old people and other drains on national wealth’ paper. Which it seems is a Liberal initiative according to Dave. Oh must make sure I have ironed his shirts before he gets back.

Western Powers relaxed about

Iranian Nuclear Power Plant.

Iran's Bushehr Nuclear power station

 

A spokesman for MI6 said that western nations were unconcerned about the Iranian, Bushehr Nuclear power station. In a briefing in the Foreign office he went on to explain. ‘Well the main reason we are not concerned is that the power stations is built by the Russians. And lets face it, they don’t have a great track record. Chernobyl, need I say more.

 

We actually think it’s brilliant they are building it, the chances of something going wrong and an accident happening will be really high. (Starts to chuckle) I mean what caused the biggest loss of faith in the Soviet system for it’s people ? It was the accident at Chernobyl they couldn’t’ hide that from everyone. So we are expecting the same thing, one accident and the whole Islamic state will collapse. In fact the USA and the EU are saying to the Iranians; fill your boots build loads of them. With an accident we would not even need to invade, we could just build oil wells in the dead zone using robots or something.'

 

The Red Top News August 2010

MOD ANNOUNCES SOLUTION TO DEFENCE CUTS.

NUKE AFGAHNISTAN

AFGHANAGADDON ?

Yesterday the top civil servant in the Ministry of Defence a Mr D R Strangelove announced that the MOD had come up with a solution to the spending cuts announced for the MOD which also included having to incorporate the £20bn cost of replacing the Trident nuclear deterrent.

In his announcement he said. ‘These are tough times and we looked at the figures. The Afghanistan operation is costing us around £2.5bn a year and we could be there for another 4 years or more. Then we looked at the cost of decommissioning some of the nuclear warheads from trident and they came to a few billion as well.

So we did some blue sky, out of the box thinking and decided that if we withdrew the troops that would save about £10bn over a few years, then we would nuke the whole of Afghanistan so saving a further £5bn or so on decommission the nuclear warheads. So everyone’s a winner, and let’s face it the defence secretary said that Afghanistan was a 13th century country so they won’t notice much.”



When asked by the Red Top defence correspondent. ‘Are you mad?’ Mr Strangelove replied. ‘No quite rational, I mean for my career it will be great, my bosses only look at the balance sheet never the human cost. I will look like the best cost cutter in the civil service. It will be promotion all the way.


It will also help me in my move to the private sector. I mean a manager there would balance their books by cutting staff and they are seen as pragmatic and get bonuses for that. I will be able to come and say I cut cost by nuking a nation. They will admire that sort of business acumen.’

US SENATE TO HOLD NEW HEARING

DID BP ASSASINATE PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Senator John Applepie chair of the US Senate’s foreign relations committee has announced new hearings into the actions of BP. He said; ‘We strongly believe there is evidence linking BP to the assassination of JFK, his brother, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln.

We also believe they are responsible for the creation of slavery in the USA and they were behind the American civil war. We are also looking to see if BP was behind the Pearl Harbour attack in 1941. Oh and finally we are reopening the case of who shot JR Ewing, as he was a Dallas oilman it sounds a bit suspicious.’

The Red Top North American correspondent pointed out that JR Ewing was a fictional character. He was bundled out of the meeting for ‘Un-American activity’


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THE A-TEAM Financial Services Group

We are regulated by the FSA. LOL

‘In 2008 a crack financial unit was sent down to the wine cellar of their bank for a crime they didn’t commit. These men eventually clambered out of their drunken fuelled captivity once the heat was off, back to The City of London.


Today still needed by the government they survive as creators of fortunes. If you have lots of cash, if no one else can offer you a 9.8% return on your capital, and if you have at least £100,000, maybe you can hire the A-Team'


 

Meet the Team

John ‘Cannibal’ Smith

John ‘Cannibal’ Smith: The leader of the team, the cigar chomping tactical genius is a master of disguising a terrible investment opportunity. Know as cannibal for his skill at buying up companies, stripping out the ‘fat’ and selling on the shell for huge amounts of cash.

He also came up with the corporate mission statement. ‘I love it when a financial plan comes together’

Templeton ‘Two Faced’ Peck

Templeton ‘Two Faced’ Peck: Is our hugely successful conman…I mean financial services salesman. When it comes to scams and hustles, err arranging financial deals, Two Faced is in a league of his own.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bosco Albert “B.A” Baracus

Bosco Albert (“B.A” (Bogus Accounting) Baracus: Is our highly skilled accountant. He is the A-Teams regular Mr Fix it. If you have a company, bank or even country with a terrible balance sheet, BA will come in and make it look like the most financially sound organization ever.
 
 He does have an intense fear of flying ever since he looked at the accounts of a company that provided spare parts to airlines.
 
 
 

 

H.M. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock

H.M. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock: Is our regular creator of Collateralized Debt Obligations. He came up with putting good loans, bad loans and frankly black hole loans into one nice package and rating it AAA. We said ‘That’s Howling Mad’ no one will buy that. How wrong we were.
 
 Murdock’s new CDO’s includes randomly packing all the old CDO’s into new CDO’s then adding insurance which is usually funded by err investments in CDO’s.
We then take these new CDO’s and sale them as an AAA investment, with insurance cover. It’s Howling Mad but people will buy it.

David Cameron makes speech on foreign affairs.

It's a funny old world.

Prime Minister Cameron made a wide ranging speech on foreign affairs yesterday. He said;
 

 ‘Well what a sorry state the world is in mate isn’t it? I mean you got those Jews in Israel putting all those poor Palestinians in open prisons, bloody disgrace if you ask me; they are a right bunch of fascists. Then you have those mad terrorists Muslims in Pakistan, they are a right bunch of blood thirsty savages. Not like those Indians, nice bunch, can’t always understand them when I am calling up a help line, but they have lots of money and someone you can do business with.
 
Then you got your yanks, well we got to thank them haven’t you. I mean they were the big guy who helped us out in the Battle of Britain, selling us all those Spitfires, and all those Americans flying them to shoot down the Germans they saved our bacon.



Oh we are here mate, that’s £15 for that trip governor. I know I know, cab fares bloody expensive but hey nothing I can do, they are set by the mayor of London. I went to school with him you know, mad as a badger he is. Did I tell you I had Mussolini in the back of my cab once ?’

SHOWBIZ NEWS

Well everyone is raving about the new Sherlock Holmes and we have an extract from next weeks episode.

Scene: Inside the office of Mr Smith head of Global Corp. Mr Smith sits behind his desk he has called on the services of Mr Holmes and Dr Watson.

Mr Smith :’ So Mr Holmes. I am told you are the master of deduction, so tell me what you can deduce by looking at me?

Sherlock Holmes: (Long pause.) Well Mr Smith you have been head of Global Corp for 5 years, you enjoy the south of France for your holidays, especially the small village of Saint Jeannet near Nice. You enjoy wind sailing, you have a wife called Susan who you have been married to for err 9 years. Oh you got terrible drunk at last years xmas party, you have read a number of books by Iain Banks and you are a fan of Paul Weller and Top Gear.

Mr Smith: My god, Mr Holmes that is brilliant. But how did you know that, how could you possibly worked out that in such a sort time of meeting me?



Dr Watson: ‘ Yes Sherlock that is amazing how did you do it?’

Sherlock Holmes: ‘Simple Watson. Mr Smith here has no idea how to set his privacy settings on facebook. His entire life story is there, along with his twitter account, Linked in account, oh and is flicker account with all those pictures of the south of France. I just spent the last half hour in the hansom cab with my iphone and the internet. It’s elementary my dear Watson.

Sherlock gets up and exits the office.