RED TOP NEWS World cup report

HOLY CRAP WE ARE NOT VERY GOOD AT FOOTBALL

The nation is stunned as it discovers it’s not only not very good at football, but actually quite awful. The Red Top went to Middle England Town to find out what people thought after the game. One face painted, flag wearing, slightly drunk England fan said. ‘I can’t believe it *hic*, we had a golden generation of football players, we were going to conqueror the world. But we only beat one country and that was the smallest nation in the cup.’

Joined by some of his friends he continued. ‘Our problem is our foreign manager who can't speak English, and not enough true English men playing, you know what I mean, *hic*’

The gathering group started singing En-ger-land and raising the arms in Nazi salutes. ‘The Germans have the right idea, pure Aryan race and all that’

When the Dave Balls our sports writer pointed out that Germany had players who ethnic origins were from ‘Tunisia, Turkey, Poland, Ghana and Brazil. There was total confusion amongst the drunken supporters who then proceeded to argue amongst themselves and then fight. Dave balls made a hasty retreat.

The G-20 Toronto Summit Declaration:

HOLY CRAP KARL MARX WAS RIGHT!

The group of top 20 leading and emerging nations met in Canada and today released their official summit statement.

‘After many meetings about the current world economic crises we were at a loss of what to do. Do we cut our government deficits ? Do we continue to try and stimulate growth ? Luckily however one of our members happened to pick up a copy of Mr Marx’s book ‘Capital’ while stuck in an airport departure lounge.

It’s dynamite. I mean all this time we were wondering how to ease the pain and come to a fair and equitable solution. However Mr Marx pointed out that global capitalism is a constant cycle of growth and crash. Over time the rate of profits fall for corporations and recession occurs, luckily the price of labour falls so the capitalist can reinvest and growth will return, so the cycle continues. It's a bit like Lion King.

So basically we conclude that we do nothing, let workers take the hit. Let’s embrace the double dip recession, let the creative forces of DEPRESSION BEGIN MUH HAHAHAHA.’

When the Red Top economics correspondent pointed out that Mr Marx concluded that crises in capitalism would get worse and worse, leading to workers taking over the means of production G20 spokesman went on to say.

‘Yeah right we had a right old chuckle about that bit. I mean have you seen the amount of security we threw around this conference. We aren’t going anywhere’

HOLY CRAP MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE JUST ABOUT MAKING MONEY

Shocked festivals goers have concluded that music festivals are not about shared musical, cultural and emotional experiences, but just a money making exercise. Not really that different from wondering around your local shopping Mall.

One festival goer Becky said:

‘I came here with some crazy idea about people gathering in a mass celebration of love and harmony.

But after the amount I paid for my ticket and then looking around all the corporate sponsored stands and buying the expensive refreshments. It felt like a normal Saturday wandering around my local shopping centre, but with no roof and slightly better music playing.
Still I got a tan which I wouldn’t have got in Top Shop or New Look’
 
 
 
Rev Jones: Thought for the day:

Reading today’s news I wondered to myself, ‘Has the penny dropped.’ However before it could drop, the banks took that penny and whizzed it around the world currency markets over a 24hr period and turned it into €348,888. Then they used the €348,888 trade as security to back $343bn worth of debt.
Now let us pray, very very hard.

Lions demand end to corporate sponsorship of England Football team.

Today Rory the Lion, spokesman for Lions Inc, has demanded the ending of the lion’s sponsorship of the England football team. As it is no longer advantageous to attach their brand to the team.

Mr Rory Lion said ‘For years we have enjoyed a synergies of beliefs and character which reflect well on both of our brands. However the 3 lions motif on the England shirt is frankly an embarrassment to Lions Inc. I mean, I have seen a 3 legged antelope put up a better fight than England did against Germany.

The Red Top is asking our readers what should replace the 3 lions. The best answers will receive a signed England shirt. What a prize!! And we have lots and lots to give away.

EARTHQUAKE REPORTED IN SCOTLAND

On Sunday June 27th 2010 seismologists reported a number of possible earthquakes registering around 7 on the Richter scale initially and then rising on the scale in the area of Scotland over a 2 hour period.

The chief seismologist of the UK said ‘Well we registered the first one at around 15:20 BST and then more for the next hour. The biggest quake was around 16:50BST where we registered 9 on the scale. It’s very unusual for aftershocks to be bigger than the initial quake. After further investigation we discovered it wasn’t an earthquake at all, but the entire nation of Scotland rolling around the floor laughing as they watched England v Germany.

THE RED TOP NEWS EMERGENCY BUDGET SPECIAL

ENGLAND HOLD OUT FOR HISTORIC DRAW IN WORLD EMPIRE CUP

In a crucial fixture for the World Empire Cup in South Africa, the England team held out for a draw at Rorke’s Drift stadium. After a terrible loss in the first game at the Isandlwana ground, the English team needed to put in a performance. Kitted out in their familiar away strip of red shirts, the England team put up a valiant defence as the unfancied Zulu’s team launched wave after wave of attacks on the English defences.

Captain John Chard when asked about the game said. ‘Well the lads did well, coming off of a complete thrashing in the previous match; we knew we needed to up our game to stay in the World Empire Cup. We were outnumbered during the entire game, but we held on and have gained a valuable point.’

There have been rumblings in the media that this has been the worse performance of an England team since the World Empire cup was held in North American, where England was un-ceremoniously dumped out by the USA team in 1783.

EMERGENCY BUDGET SPECIAL

GOD BLESS SAINT OSBORNE

Yesterday the great George Osborne or as The Red Top calls him Saint Osborne, finally had the chance to sort out the mess that is the UK economy. His measures included.

Public Sector Wage freeze: The wages of those useless public sector workers like Bus stop inspectors, wheelie bin weight checkers, Urban fox day care workers etc are to be frozen. Obviously we are not including wonderful nurses in this.

Child benefit frozen for 3 years: However Mr Osborne also relaxed those terrible ‘Red Tape’ rules and regulations on businesses so children over the age of 5 can now work at sowing clothes to get more income in for their families to make up the loss.

Housing Benefit cuts. A cap will now be placed on how much a person can claim for housing benefit. Now only properties in the North East and Scotland will be in the rent limit, so expect a mass migration north. Mr Osborne said ‘Out of site out of mind.’

Disability Living Allowance cuts: A new test will be introduced where people who are claiming disability benefit will need to attend a new evaluation test center. The test centre will be situated on Mount Snowdon and failure to attend the office will result in the loss of the benefit. Managing to reach the office shows the fact that the person is not disabled and will result in a loss of benefits. So saving the country around £20bn

Tax Cut for lowest paid. The lowest paid will see a raise in their tax allowance and so will be able to use that spare cash to err pay for the VAT rises which they disproportionately pay more of from their income.

Two year council tax freeze: Councils will now have to be more efficient with the services they offer. So no more freebies to those twinned cities, or coffee mornings for mums, old people, well anyone really. So really enjoy those tax freezes as our army of surveyors work out the new council tax housing bands.

Bank levy: After the massive bailout of the banks it’s only fair that the financial pain is shared around. They have been given over £1 trillion pounds, so being made to pay an extra £2bn will really hurt them. You can hear those fat cats squealing now, or it may be laughter.

VAT: It's funny every party said they wouldn’t raise it during the election campaign, but here we are. A massive 2.5% increase on VAT, but at least the ordinary little people don’t notice it as much when they are spending, as they do when looking at income tax on their pay strip.
Oh and VAT does not apply to Newspapers.
(Please note for Euro sceptics it’s purely coincidental that our VAT rates now match most other EU countries. There will be no closer union with those ‘Continentals’)

Business News

With billions of pounds taken out of the economy, people are asking where the growth will come from. Here is The Red Top business reporter’s guide to who will get Britain growing again.


The Entrepreneur:

The Entrepreneur: Those fine, handsome, wealth creators will come in and replace the dead weight, moral sapping public sectors in areas it should never be in, like providing well paid jobs and a decent pension, when that pool of workers should be working for poor wages with no pension in the private sector.


Where were the fine, handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s during the last few years? I hear you ask. Why were they not creating wealth during one of the greatest boom times in modern history? Well the shocking truth is that they were stuck at home watching Dragons Den and The Apprentice. These Entrepreneurs’s trapped at home watching endless reruns of these programs, produced by the evil public sector BBC. All this will change as the BBC will be downsized and the handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s will come out of their homes and bring forth growth.

Worker Drones:

Worker Drones: These wage cost entities are a major drain on business created by handsome, wealth creating Entrepreneur’s. With their endless moaning about work, drinking the coffee and using the Internet services of the Entrepreneur, some may say what are useful for?

Well one Entrepreneur’s worker is another’s customer. No wonder the poor drone is confused, when treated poorly by their company as a worker, but told there are wonderful, free, clever and with outstanding taste when buying a product made by another.
So in fact they are really just cash cows, to be herded around at work and milked dry at the shopping mall at the weekend.

(Note: Picture editor-So are we going for a bee or cow metaphor here ?)

Public Sector Worker:

The Public Sector Worker. No use what so ever, they are terrible at their jobs, it’s probably not even a real job, they are probably claiming benefits as well.

These people are a morally and financial sapping black hole to the British economy. In fact latest research by the Free Market think tank, the ‘We have lots of money to pay for reports that support our ideology institute’

Have proven that the entire financial mess was caused by these people, and it had nothing to do with the financial markets who were practicing free market ideology so could not have possible been wrong.

Said a spokesman from the institute. 'We have proven without doubt that it was the public sector that caused the problem by using lots of long complicated mathematical formulas, and using the latest economic modelling software. Not unlike what banks used to model risks for the derivatives market. We are not wrong we CAN’T BE WRONG!’

SPORTS NEWS

Our Football correspondent Dave Balls has been in South Africa for 4 weeks now. As usual he made his first stop a sports bar to soak up the world cup atmosphere and finally he has staggered out to file his first report. In fact he was found in a game reserve cuddled up to a springbok with a vuvuzela attached to a certain part of his anatomy.

Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité!!

Declares the French Football Team.

In a move that has shocked the world, the oppressed, exploited and starving poor people of the French football team have declared ‘La Révolution’ against their King Raymond Domenech. The leader of the rebellion Patrice Evra declared. ‘We could stand it no more, as one of the brave workers Anelka, was sent into exile for standing up to our incompetent King.

So we needed to act and we stormed the Team training ground and declared a Republic, death to the Monarchy. We are setting up a Committee of Public football tactics. People may call us poor multi millionaire leather chasers, but we are also free men. Vive la France.’


Experts in the UK believe that this is a little local difficulty and could not spread to other teams.

FIFA cracks down on Fake World cup Merchandise.

Today FIFA have announced that they are continuing to crack down on Fake and non official merchandise that is trying to be sold at the South African 2010 FIFA World cup. They are today taking a close look at the England team.

Sepp Blatter head of FIFA said; ‘We have already come down hard on a Dutch beer company trying to sale unofficial beer. Now we are taking a close look at the England football team, as there is suspicion that they are in fact a fake! I mean they are marketed as world beaters, but have only drawn against USA and Algeria, we are not sure if they are the real deal.’