Red Top News 10

New claims of bullying by Gordon Brown made by Mrs U.K. Economy.

With allegations of the Prime Minister Gordon Brown bullying Downing Street staff continuing. The Red Top has received similar complaints from a Mrs U.K. Economy, of bullying by Gordon Brown while he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. Mrs Economy told us that while Mr Brown was her boss, he would shout and scream at her to be prudent with her money. However he would then change his mind a few days later and tell her to ‘Buy herself something nice’ with a credit card. He would then throw a tantrum at her a few weeks later when the credit card bill came in. Mrs Economy said that the strain of the mood swings of Gordon Brown became too great for her. She said ‘In the end I fell into a fit of depression. They say it was just a recession but trust me it’s a depression.”

Gordon Brown was giving a speech at a conference. At which the Red Top tried to get a response about the allegations. After our journalist put the complaint to him he replied by shouting. “I will tell you this boy! Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin the need to smash your wee face in. Tell yae wan thing - see all this shoutin? It does not half give yae a helluva thirst.”
Mr Brown then left the conference centre holding a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine.

Entertainment news

Lady Gaga’s mum finally gives up saying.
“Your not going out dressed like that”

It was reported from New York that the mother of Pop Star Lady Gaga has finally given up trying to stop her daughter wearing outlandish clothes when going out.
Lady Gaga mother said “It was a constant battle, each time she was about to go out, I would tell her that no daughter of mine was going out dressed like that. She just saw it has a challenge and wore more revealing more outlandish clothes. So now I have finally caved in and said "I don’t care what she wears.”

It has been reported that Lady Gaga is happy that she has won this latest mother daughter tussle. She is now reported to be giving up music altogether and become and account. She was last seen wearing a pinstriped suit.

WINTER OLYMPICS NEWS

Great Britain wins Gold in Down Hill Tea Tray Sledging.

Great Britain was cheering as we won our first solo gold at a winter Olympics in 30 years. Amy Williams won gold in the down hill Tea Tray sledging competition, beating off stiff competition from the Germans. However there was an official complaint by the Canadians about the unfair advantage that Great Britain had.

A spokesmen for the Canadian team said “Great Britain is the biggest tea drinking nation in the world, which means at a very early age children are handling tea trays. We believe this is an unfair advantage and they should be banned from this event’ Amy can now look forward to being the official face of PG Tips.


Noel Edmonds to host new Saturday night show called.
You’ve been Mossad !

Noel Edmonds is to be the host of a new Saturday night TV program, where members of the public write in wanting local trouble makers in their area taken out. Noel will setup the hit with Mossad agents, with it all caught on hidden cameras.

Noel will start each show with a heart rending tell of how the ‘target’ has caused misery to local people, and then we will see the hit. Then Noel will interview the local populace afterwards live. There will also be a quiz show element as well. As each week two of the disguised members of the Mossad team will actually be celebrities. The TV audience will be invited to call in and ‘Guess the Hit team’, with cash prizes available.

Politics.

Tory’s say ‘Will will decimal point our way out of recession’

The Tory party has revealed how it going to sort out the UK economy in a speech by George Osborne. Mr Osborne said that after they had made gaffs by saying 50% of teenage girls became pregnant when it was actually 5% after a missed placed decimal point in a report. They had then come up with the idea of changing decimal points in all reports. So for example Unemployment would be reduced from 2500000 to 25000.00
Growth would rise from 0.1% to 10% etc.

Mr Osborne said ‘What might have looked like incompetence when dealing with figures, will actually be our strength. People with long memories will remember how good we were with manipulating unemployment figures in the 80’s and 90’s. This is not about real statistics, but aspirational ones.

Defence News
 
US Joint Chiefs of Staff do not want Homosexuals in the forces because of the fear of the enemy using Gaydar.

Yesterday in Washington DC the US Joint Chiefs of Staff attended a Congressional hearing. They put their case that they did not wish for homosexuals to be open about their sexuality in the armed forces. Due to a fear that the enemy would use Gaydar to detect them while on operations.

The head of the Air force said ‘Senators we have the latest Stealth Fighter the F-22 Raptor which cost $142M each. It is undetected able by any of our enemies’ radar systems. However we strongly believe that if the pilot is homosexual, than he will  light up like a Christmas tree on our enemies Gaydar systems. We believe the, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ system is the only effective stealth technology against the Gaydar systems at the moment.

Afterwards the Red Top Defence correspondent asked the head of the US Airforce.
‘Do you actually know what Gaydar means?” To which he responded. ‘No one really knows the capabilities of these systems; however we have our best people working on ways to counter them.

Red Top 2010B

Toyota Recalls British Economy due to accelerator problem


Last night Toyota issued a recall for the British economy. As the owners reported that there was a problem with the acceleration. A Toyota spokesman said. “People have reported that with interest rates at a record low of 0.5% and billion of pounds pumped into the economy, the accelerator pedal is pushed right to the floor. However the economy is barely moving forward. We are not sure what the problem is, however we will do full checks on the economy.”

The Red Top decided to take the British economy to a local ‘mechanic’ a Mr Bill Anders. He took a look at the economy and told us.

“Well the problem is this mate. The economy was filled with Un-sustainable debt rather than sustainable debt. This un-sustainable debt seemed to make the engine of the economy run really well. You were getting tops speeds 20% higher than you should expect and a good extra 20 miles per gallon. But you see it was a false economy. What this unsustainable debt did, was eventually screw up the engine.

The Bank of England put a lot of debt into the economy as well to try and fix it. But they are worried it may affect the braking system!I hear that Toyota is being called in as the Japanese economy has a similar problem.Personally I would strip out the engine and try and use a German economic engine model instead.”

Definition of Hung parliament disappoints the British public.

With the news that the next Parliament, could be a hung parliament. The British people rejoiced, until it was explained to them what a hung parliament really meant.

Mr Andrew Jones a member of the public carrying a piece of rope, was interviewed by The Red Top outside parliament. He said "Frankly I am disappointed. I thought we had the opportunity to string up the whole rotten lot of them. But now it turns out it just means no Party has an overall majority. It seems that could mean even more squabbling in that situation, and then maybe another election.”

At that point Mr Jones stared at his rope and walked over to the nearest tree in Parliament square to top himself.

Jordon Marries Herself!!

In not very shocking news, Jordon divorces her latest husband. However in Shock news she then marries herself. Jordon with her new husband Katie Price, were married in a large Country Mansion. The Bride stood by a 6ft Mirror to take her vows.

‘We are so happy together’ said Jordon. ‘We are so different in character, but it proves opposites do attract.I feel I have finally found the right person and we can have a very profitable life together.

Chinese Government makes announcement.

“People of the West. Do you remember the Opium wars ? WE DO!!!

Today the head of China’s bank made a speech to assembled western journalists. It was the usual announcement of growth figures, inflation etc. However when asked about China’s future plans for economic and political change, the head of the bank said.

“For years you in the west have pondered the fact that we have a Communist government. Yet have an economic system that would make Victorian free market factory owners green with envy. Well we tell you now. Do you remember the Opium wars?! When the western powers tried to enslave us with drugs. You were the original narco states.”

Now fuming he continued.

“Well China is a civilization over five thousands years old. We have long memories. Now we have all your money. We OWN you; we are going to grind you into the dust then sale drugs to your poor people.”

Laughing manically he grabbed a fist full of dollars and waving them into the faces of the reporters shouted. “Come on PUNKS make my day!”

 He was then bundled from the stage by his advisors.

BBC Release Top earners list

Yesterday the BBC announced that it had spent £54M on presenters earning more than £150,000 or more in the last 12 months. However they refused to name the individuals. However the Red Top has discovered some of the people who are on the list.
Top earner is Jess the Cat on £400,000 a year. Which may come as a surprise to postman pat, who is not even on the list. An insider at the BBC said. It’s sounds a lot. But Jess makes a lot of money using his image rights for soft toys. Practically every family has at least one Jess the cat somewhere in the house.

The Redtop also discovered that Bagpuss and Professor Yaffle and others from the Bagpuss TV series are on £150,000 each.

Our BBC insider said. This is one of the dark secrets of the BBC. That kid Emily was a canny negotiator. Even though it was only 13 episodes filmed in the 70’s. The BBC signed them up on life long contracts with guaranteed above inflation pay rises ever year. They have spent the last 30 years in the Caribbean.
We will release other details in future editions.



FIFA to allow Wives and girlfriends (WAGS) of Footballers to transfer their husbands!

Due to a large number of scandals involving footballers, FIFA are to give the WAGS of footballers the ability to transfer their partners out of the relationship. Sepp Blatter said. A WAG normally has to suffer in silence as her husband or partner’s indiscretion is splashed across the papers. We believe she should now have the ability to Transfer her partner to the ‘Other’ women. And receive a massive transfer fee in compensation. With think this with make footballers think before ‘Playing away’.


Mr Blatter also added. Maybe we can introduce such a thing in civil law. So a member of the public can transfer their husband when he commits and indiscretion. Or maybe their husband they really liked 15 years ago has now grown apart from them. They could perhaps do a ‘Husband transfer swap’ with someone else in a similar position.

NATO uses CUNNING PLAN in Afghanistan

NATO commanders planning Operation Moshtarak, the planned assault on the Marjah area of Afghanistan. Have told the Red Top that the part of the plan to tell the Taliban that they were coming. Was an idea from a British Private Baldrick.

The Nato commander said. ‘We were planning a surprise attack, using Special Forces infiltrating enemy lines weeks before the main assault. Then we were going to hit the enemy with air strikes before the Troops moved in to mop up. However as we sitting around the planning table, a Private Baldrick came in with tea and biscuits.

And on hearing what we were saying he asked to speak. He said that we have being using the surprise attack plan for the last 6 years. Perhaps we should use a cunning plan of telling them when we were coming. This he believed would so confuse the Taliban we would defeat them. Well we thought we have been using the same plan for 6 years. We might as well give it a go.”

The Red Top tried to get in touch with Private Baldrick’s commanding office. A Captain Blackadder, to ask him how he felt about one of his men coming up with such a cunning plan. However it seems Captain Blackadder has been hospitalised after being found in a field with his head painted red shouting ‘I’M A POPPY, I’M A POPPY. GET ME OUT OF HERE”