The Red Top News 2010A

ECONOMIC GROWTH OF 0.1% NATION REJOICES

Today it was announced that the British economy grew by 0.1%. This news lead to immediate rejoicing up and down the length and breadth of Britain. Street parties were held, office workers ran into the streets and into the pubs. Bankers were hugged again. And they immediately decided to increase their bonuses.


Prayers were said at Canterbury cathedral in thanks to the salvation of the UK economy.
Estate agents were seen dancing down the streets singing ‘Happy days are here again’
Shop keepers announced that their tills were ringing again. And online retailers announced record orders per minute after the news was announced.

Champagne was pumped through the Trafalgar square fountains.

Later in the day the Queen came and stood on the balcony of Buckingham palace to wave at the vast crowds that had gathered in the Mall to celebrate.
Gordon Brown with a smile on his face announced. ‘The good times are back.”


Did 4 year old child cause economic growth?

Some Economists or Gloom and doom merchants as we in the Red Top call them. Think the GDP increase of 0.1% may have actually been the result not of increased business activity.

But by a 4 year old who managed to get onto his parents PC and ordered 20,000 Lego sets off the Argos website.
Although the situation was quickly resolved the purchase found it’s way into the nation’s GDP figures.
The mum of the boy a Mrs Jane Green said “Who would have thought it, my Kevin responsible for growth of the UK economy. I am so proud of him.”

HAITI DISASTER IS A DISASTER FOR C LIST CELEBRATIES.


The disaster in Haiti has had a devastating impacting on C list celebrities careers. Many hoped to resurrect their careers as actors, singers or musicians, by getting involved in various charity events.


However the intervention of A list celebrities have brought these dreams crashing down on them.

One C list celeb interviewed by the Red Top Said.

“It’s an awful tragedy. I was ready to sing on the latest charity record, maybe get in the front row of the chorus. Then all the A list celebs turn up and take all the opportunities away. I mean in music Bono and the Edge turn up. Then Cold Play came in.
So I thought maybe some TV work. But then George Clooney and all his Hollywood mates turn up. As far as I am concerned that is the real disaster in all this. It looks like I will now have to dress as a 6 ft chicken and do a charity run just to get my face in the Local paper.

 Alternatively you can donate directly to Haiti disaster fund and cut out ALL the middle men. www.redcross.org.uk/

WHO CAN TAKE OVER AND DESTROY BRITISH BUSINESS ?  THE CANDY MAN CAN.

With the takeover of Cadbury’s by Krafty American Corp. Fears of job losses are high. However the Red Top Economic team has discovered even more grave news about the British brand.

First Cadbury World is to have it’s name changed to Candy Land. Tourists will be shown round by a new Corporate Mascot. Mr Squeezey Cheesy.

People will be able to see where Chocolate USE to be made and admire the packing plant where chocolate is imported from outsourced manufactures and are packed in the UK. So they can stick a Union Jack on the packaging.
The Demonstration area which once showed how chocolate was made. Will be replaced by a demonstration by Bankers, lawyers and Hedge fund managers. On how to maximize consultancy fees when organizing a hostile takeover.

The Red Top interviewed the Chairman of Cadbury’s and asked him about the take over deal, how it came about and it’s consequences.

“Well let me make it clear, this deal was no picnic to setup. Cadbury’s is a dream buy for any company. There was a wispa in the markets that we were a takeover target. With companies chomping at the bit to buy us. This of course gave our share price a massive boost. However the price was still not what I thought was acceptable. They tried to fudge the issues, with lots of twirling and twisting. However in the end they accepted that we were a star bar none in the confectionary market. After they called a timeout in the negotiations, they finally came back and despite the credit crunchie the deal went through with a great deal for our shareholders.”

Northern Ireland Devolution Crisis talks.

Parties are arguing over Jaffa cakes or Viscount biscuits for meetings.

The political parties in Northern Ireland are in talks to try and stop the collapse of the devolved government .The main sticking point between the Protestant Unionists and the Catholic Sinn Fein is what snack to server with coffee in government meetings.

The Unionists want to serve Jaffa cakes, because of the smashing orangey order bit in the middle. However Jerry Adams president of Sinn Fein has said that he believes this to be protestants trying to impose their culture on all of N Ireland. They have suggested a Viscount biscuit as it is mint green representing Ireland.


Gordon Brown would not be drawn on which biscuit he wanted for N Ireland


Football results

Man Utd -£700M v Portsmouth -£100M


Arsenal –£20M v Spurs -£60M

Man City +Gallons of OIL v Liverpool -£400M

West Ham -£ Iceland’s debt v Wolves -£10M

Chelsea +£Russia’s Aluminium industry v Burnley +£ Fred’s meat pie factory

Everton -£10M +Possible Tesco’s super store. v  Hull—£30M

Birmingham +Chinese clothing factory v Villa +£30M


Business news:


Mega Conglomerate Corp buys the City of Birmingham.

In shock news, Mega Conglomerate Corp (MCC) has stunned the financial world by buying the whole city of Birmingham. The chairman of MCC said. “We saw other business buying small bits of Birmingham's industry. With a favourable exchange rate and banks falling over themselves to lend money again. I thought well what can I buy. After looking at it I thought. We ARE MEGA CONGLOMERATE. Lets buy the whole damn city.


So we have. I can’t thank enough all those British banks and the Government for helping with the sale out of the city.”

The Red Top business team has discovered that MCC will actually ship the entire city brick by brick to Poland. As Labour costs are cheaper and it will be a more central location for their European operations

 

Birmingham is to be moved to North West Poland. And will become a costal town. Ironically with the news Cadburys production could now be back in Birmingham. The City could be renamed as Brummiski

Red Top Blitzzard Special

THE RED TOP NEWS

BLITZZARD BRITAIN. IS IT THE END OF CIVILIZATION ?

BATTLE OF BRITAIN’S BLIZZARDS SPECIAL

Britain is under sustained attack from blizzards coming from Europe. Causing travel chaos, power cuts, food shortages, schools closing and reports of cannibalism in Hampshire.

Is this the end of civilizations as we know it? Will House prices fall because of this winter weather? We asked Professor D Ice

This is how London will look if snow does not stop.Says Expert Prof D Ice

Professor D. Ice said “Yes with continual snow fall and icy weather, within weeks the entire fabric of civilization will break down.

As people can’t get to the sales, pubs or go clubbing. They will suffer nervous breakdowns as

they play another board game with their families while stuck indoors. It’s all in my new book “Scary theory. Movie deal possible.”

YOUR RED TOP ‘BLITZZARD TEAM’

Samantha Smith. Will be standing in a random street, freezing cold. To bring us the stories about people playing in snow . While she is dodging snow balls throw by children. She will be asking the public very dull obvious questions about the snow and receiving very dull obvious answers.

Brian George. Will be standing on a motorway bridge, freezing cold. To bring us the latest travel news. Even though he would be more useful reporting from the office. Expect lots of exciting shots of cars moving fairly slowly on the motorway. If we are lucky we might get picture of a jack knifed lorry.

John Snow. Will be standing at a salt mine, freezing cold. While trying to dodge huge lorries. To bring us the exciting story of lorries arriving empty, filling up with salt and then driving off. However there is the bonus of making jokes about his surname

 

 

   

Mary Jones. Will be sitting on a beach in the Bahamas. To bring us the story. ‘How does the Bahamas cope with snow’ story.
She was meant to be in Poland but the flights to Warsaw were cancelled.
Sadly because of closed UK airports Mary is stuck in the Bahamas for some time.


 
 

 
 BRITAIN BLITZED BY BLIZZARDS FROM EUROPE.


"WE CAN TAKE IT. WITH A PINCH OF SALT"
 SAYS PUBLIC

Gordon Brown addressed the nation during it’s darkest hour. He said.

Gordon Brown addressed the nation during it’s darkest hour. He said.

“The battle of flooding has ended. The battle of Britain's blizzards has begun.

Even though large Tracts of Europe have fallen into the icy grip of Siberian snow, we shall not flag or fail.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in wellies



We shall fight on the snow and ice

We shall grit with growing confidence and growing strength on the roads, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,

We shall take sand from the beaches

We shall shovel on the school grounds

We shall salt on the motorways and in the streets,

We shall sledge in the hills

We will NEVER surrender.”

After these stirring words from the PM. He announced the cancellation of his tour of the UK because of the weather conditions. David Cameron promised the right kind of snow if elected.

GOVERNMENT PUBLIC INFORMATION

DO’s and DONT’S IN THE SNOW

DO: Wear Warm clothes when going out.

DON’T: Go out in beach wear carrying a bucket and spade to make snow castles.

DO: Carry a spade, food and a hot drink when driving your car.

DON’T: Drive a convertible with the roof down, while singing ‘Club Tropicana’

DO: Make snow persons, it’s FUN

DON’T: Place carrots in inappropriate places on a snow person. This could lead to you being put on the sex offenders register. Under the Knee Jerk protect the kids from Pedo’s act 2009.

DO: Use Cat Litter on paths if no salt is available

DON’T: Use used cat litter. Or use CATS to brush snow off paths.

DO: Stock up on a few essential items such as milk. Bread and medical items.
DON’T: Run into your local supermarket, waving an axe. Screaming ‘We are all GOING TO DIE.” Then run out pushing a trolley full of powdered milk and one can of peaches.


Head of Business group says. “Snow is for kids. GET BACK TO WORK!”

The head of Business group. ‘Business against non profit activity’. Mr A Killjoy said.


“It’s a disgrace people not getting into work. They should realise their ONLY responsibility is to their employer. And if they injury themselves or die while getting into work. Then it’s a price worth paying for the sake of the nations growth figures and my share holders.”

Asked if he himself had problems getting in he replied.
“No problems at all. As I am actually on a Directors, team bonding golf week in Florida.
However if I was in the UK my chauffer would make all efforts necessary to get me to the office.”

THE RED TOP FREEZY FACTS

1) Parts of Britain were said to be Colder than the South Pole. Until the BBC researcher realised they had mixed up Fahrenheit and Celsius.


2) Coldest place in Britain was in fact 25 Hill road in York. Where the atmosphere was –50 Celsius. As Sharon and her boyfriend Brian were no longer talking to each other. Having just about managed to survive Christmas and New year together. The enforced extended time together caused by the snow, made the atmosphere some what frosty.

3) 15% of school children showed their parents fake ‘Schools closed’ websites set up by their friends.

4) 90% of 4x4 car owners kept their cars in the garage. As the possible reduction of resale value caused by salt, out weighed helping to get food and medicines to vulnerable people.

5) After viewing more than 30 pictures of snow. People will start to loose the will to live.



The Red Top COMMEMORATIVE ‘BLITZZARD BRITAIN GIFTS SET’
A lasting reminder of how you survived the mini ice age. Which you can show your Grandchildren. 

The iconic symbol of Blitzzard Britain.


Who can’t forget the sleek lines of the Mark IV Gritter Lorry and the roar of the Merlin Sand scatter device at the back.

The machine that kept Britain FREE. And moving along major transport routes.

 
 
The Mark IV Gritter Lorry Poster £14.50
 

‘The Few’ Poster or Mug £13.99 or £5.99


Commemorating the brave Weather people. Know as ‘ The Few’ We watched day and night, as the small band of hero's flew virtually over the UK weather map. To warn us of the incoming danger.

Hero CATS Poster, mug, pillow case and Statue set. £26.50

Some times called the forgotten heroes. Cats endured weeks unable to go to the toilet. As the ground was to hard to dig. And all their litter trays were empty as people piled cat litter on the roads and pavements.

"phillip_sanderson@yahoo.co.uk"