The Red Top News March 2015

DID EVIL PUTIN ORDER 

THE DEATH OF JAGGER ?

Reports are coming in that the Evil tyrant dictator Vladimir Putin order the assassination of Jagger the Irish setter. There has been much speculation about who killed the dog, however The Red Top News has talked to many experts and they point the finger of blame on cold blooded Killer Putin. 

"Who said Russia is going to the dogs ?"

As for the motivation for the killing The Red Top News asked top Ukraine expert Alexander Kashov from the institute of American-Ukraine Propag…err information service. He said: “Well its obvious Putin wanted to divert the attention of the world from what is going on in Eastern Ukraine. And if there is one news item that would go to number one on the BBC website, it would be the killing of a cute dog.”

Crufts 1st Regiment of Paw Light Infantry prepare for WAR

On hearing the news the head of Crufts a Miss Kay Barking said; “This is an outrage as we speak 1,000 ladies from the Kennel club have flown to Kiev to join Ukrainian forces in their fight against Russian backed separatists.

The Red Top News Special

POLICE AND SECURITY SERVICES 

TO ARREST SUN READERS

In a shock announcement, the Security Services and police have said that they are going to investigate who has been purchasing the Sun newspaper. They believe the readers of the paper are most likely to become radical Muslims and join ISIS.

Jihad recruitment paper ?

Inspector Scot Yard of the Metropolitan police said; “Well we listen to the Major of London, Boris Johnson’s remarks that, and I quote, ““If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally wankers.”  

men who go to fight with Islamic State as “literally wankers

And we thought to ourselves what other reason was there to  buy The Sun newspaper other than to look and page three and well  you know, pleasure yourself. So therefore it’s logical to conclude that these people must be possible ISIS recruits, and we should bring them in for questioning. We are going to have police offices visit newsagents to get lists of names of people who have purchased this ISIS recruiting paper. We are going to call this investigation operation "Red Topless”

The Red Top News security correspondent asked Inspector Scot Yard if perhaps people might buy it for the news and in depth analysis of world events. However both Inspector Yard and our correspondent laughed to much to worry about a reply.

New ISIS recruiting poster ?