While other news organizations look back at the terrible
year of 2011 the Red Top looks forward to the bright new dawn that is 2012. In
fact we will be looking into the future with a glazed far off look at the
horizon with an expression of wonder on our face. Get use to that look its
Olympic advertising year.
Read the predication of our experts in Current affairs, economics and
popular culture for 2012.
London
Olympics – London is the Olympic flame.
With security services on high alert on the day of the
opening ceremony of the Olympics, tragedy strikes as the Olympic torch bearer
is shot after being mistaken for a rioter as they run through the City of
London.
The torch bearer staggered around for a couple of minutes setting fire to a
number of buildings, the fire quickly gets out of control as all the emergency
services were at the Olympic site in Stratford, within hours the entire City of London and West End are
engulfed in flames, still many tourists believe it’s part of the ceremony and
take pictures before being consumed by the flames.
The Great fire of London 2012 is voted best
Olympic opening ceremony ever.
Kate is a Goddess official.
After the chaos of the fire in London bands of right wing vigilantes
go on the hunt for foreigners who may have caused the fire. They stumble across
the Royal family trying to get their possession out of Buckingham palace, on
discovering that they are German the mob attack and the Royals are hacked to death, however Kate
Middleton is spared and is declared the new ‘Mother Goddess’ and carried on a golden
throne to a newly built ‘Stonehenge’ on the ruins on Westminster Abbey as
Londoners go Pagan in the ruins of the capital.
The Market declared an official religion.
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| The lord moves in less mysterious ways than The Market |
Leaders of the main religions of the world announce that
they now accept ‘The Market’ as an official religion. The head of International
Mega Investment Bank said ; “Yes finally it is recognised we are doing god’s
work and at a quite reasonable management charge of 15%. The Markets are
followed by more people than all the other religions combined. Just think how
much more The Markets were mentioned at Christmas than the birth of that bloke
we were meant to be celebrating, says it all really."
The Head of the Bank of England Mervyn King on hearing the
news climbed on the roof of the Stock Exchange while wearing only a loin cloth
and carrying a human skull. Standing on the roof he shouted out; “Yes oh great
The Market we give you a sacrifice of 1 Million Virgin workers, 1 million young
people who have never had a well-paid full time job. Feed on them oh great The
Market, so you may grow strong again.”
A similar scene could be found at the US
Federal bank and the European Central bank where bankers could be seen dancing
around bonfires of credit default swap contracts.
ITV’s new talent Show The only way is Esse X-Factor
ITV reveals a new Reality/talent show; ‘The only way is Esse
X-Factor’. Where other counties of England perform in front of a panel of
Judges to show they are as tacky, vacuous, and morally bankrupt and permanently
faked tanned as Essex. Each week five counties will go head to head in front of
4 judges, a talentless boy band singer, a sarcastic former newspaper editor, a
D list celeb from Essex and a gormless beautician/glamour model.
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| The Cornwall team have work to do on their image. |
Highlights of
the first show include a Devon farmer who tries to Pimp his tractor, a pasty
face trio of girls from Warwickshire who attempt to use a Sandwich toaster to
get a tan while having affairs with each other’s boyfriends and a bloke from
Yorkshire who tries to turn a rundown working man’s club into a trendy drug
infested, cattle market nightclub. The winning county gets twinned with Benidorm.
Euro Vision Song Contest – Sing for your supper.
The 2012 Euro Vision Contest has a new twist as Nations sing
in front of Bankers and Hedge funds not for points but for cash. Watch to see
if nations go for a dramatic performance to show they are still strong or maybe
go for a cute kid’s choir dressed in rags for the sympathy vote.
Of course the most dramatic part
will be the vote, watch the faces of the people of Greece as the Vote from Mega
Bank comes in; “These are the cash injections from the Mega Bank jury, Germany
ten billion euros, France five billions euros, Greece no money.” It’s pure
entertainment gold, as there is no actual gold left in all of Europe.
US Presidential elections – Republican Mickey Mouse wins.
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| Any jokes about a Mickey Mouse organization will lead to WAR. |
In a dramatic US Presidential election year the Republicans
went for a surprise candidate Mickey Mouse, as he was the only candidate that
represented true American values and could still produce the American dream
like he does at Disneyland. Mickey and his vice presidential candidate Donald
Duck romped home in the Presidential Election with 90% of the vote. Tinker Bell
was put in charge of the Federal Reserve and Mickey was sure her magic wand
would solve all the economic problems.
Liberals Tweet “OMG! What have we done.”
After poor by-election results and poll ratings the entire
Liberal parliamentary party commit suicide by drinking strychnine in organic
apple juice. From the suicide note left at the scene they said they could no longer live with themselves
for support a right wing Tory Party.
Ironically in the by-elections that follow
a new right wing party called the National Socialist Party wins every seat, it
also wins election after election across Europe.
And finally
After another terrible year economically for Europe the leaders of Europe produce a combined end of 2012 message. A picture of a cute cat. Ahhh.
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE RED TOP NEWS
