Red Top News April2012

Government fuel crisis was a bet

A Red Top Investigation has discovered that the crisis at the fuel pumps before Easter was in fact a result of a bet between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor. Where the Prime Minister thought from his experience of public relations it would be really easy to manipulate the public into a panic, while the Chancellor thought it would take much more than a few comments from the government to cause chaos. 

Crikey they are sheep haha.

On being told of the discovery of the bet by The Red Top News the Prime Minister David Cameron commented; “Yes yes, it’s all true I was sitting with George the Chancellor and I told him that I thought it would only take a few comments from a couple of plummy voice people and the lower classes would run around like mindless sheep in a panic. George and I sat there drinking champagne while watching the news as people queued for hours at the pumps, we had a jolly good laugh.

The Red Top has also discovered that the government’s next scare story is going to say that all poor and unemployed people are in fact Zombies and must be hacked to death. The government  are hoping this scare with greatly reduce the social security bill as people rush to B&Q to buy axes and then go on the rampage.

God to apply for Archbishop of Canterbury job

In an unexpected development God has thrown its hat into the ring and said it will apply for the job of Archbishop of Canterbury and head of the Church of England.

GOD speaks to The Red Top News

Talking to our reporter via a burning bush in Hyde Park God told us the reason for applying. “Well mortal it’s like this. I thought it was time to get back to the floor and get things back on track. I am getting a bit sick of people trying to interpret what I think. I tried to make it easy with 10 rules, not much to ask is it but no. Endless debates about pointless things. Anyway as head of the Church of England it will give me chance to try out a few things before heading off to Rome. Yes it is the same god, same corporation just different brands!”

And on the 7th Day God took his credit card and went shopping.

Asked if there were any other reasons he had pick the Church of England, God said. “Yes the Sunday trading laws in England .I think there is a great opportunity for synergy between the spiritual and mammon corporate sectors. Basically I will allow all day shopping trading hours on Sunday, however the consumer will need to spend an hour at church before being allowed to go to a shopping Mall. People will do anything if it means they can by the iPhone or Gucci bag. I mean they spend hours in church trying to get there kids into a “good” school. So its win win for church and shop owner.

Oik’s to be introduced into The Boat Race

After the disruption of the University boat race by a swimmer, organisers have announced that although it was a disgrace that such an interruption to a great British tradition happened. It did make it the most interesting boat race ever. So from next year new rules will be introduced, they were explained by 

Row row down the plebs.

Sir Russell Groupen head of the boat race he said; “Well people have complained that it’s elitist that the top two Universities in the country every year compete in a boat race that is televised and part of the social calendar, to the exclusion of all others. So from next year 24 people from lower educational institutions will be selected and allowed to compete. 

These 24 people will be thrown into the Thames at random points along the race course and it’s then up to them to try and disrupt the two boats. Of course to make it slightly fairer on Oxford and Cambridge the boats will have sharpened oars and harpoons. It really it death or glory for the swimmers, and it will be lesson to all those people watching to know their place in the social order. Have you seen or read The hunger games? Marvelous idea.

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Syrian President to become King

The president of Syria Bashar al-Assad has declared that he will now become King of Syria. Asked why he has made the decision he said. “Well I noticed that all across the Middle East dictators are being toppled while Monarchs of Middle East Kingdoms who have much more repressive laws for their people, seemed to be allowed to carry on without a word being said. So from today I am King Assad of the Kingdom of Syria. 

The President is dead long live the King.

On hearing the news the head of the British Foreign Office Sir John Bull said. “A new King, that  is jolly good news just the sort of respectable, shining example to his people and the world that the Syrian people need. He shall be invited to a state visit to the palace as soon as possible.”

When the Red Top told King Assad the news about his new found respectability in the international community he said. “Hey I am not surprised it’s a f***** up world. I’m the same person but with a crown, anyone would think that certain monarchs in Western Europe would not be to happy if Kingdoms start getting overthrown in the Middle East. We Alawites aren’t stupid you know.”

The World in 2012

While other news organizations look back at the terrible year of 2011 the Red Top looks forward to the bright new dawn that is 2012. In fact we will be looking into the future with a glazed far off look at the horizon with an expression of wonder on our face. Get use to that look its Olympic advertising year.

Read the predication of our experts in Current affairs, economics and popular culture for 2012.

London Olympics – London is the Olympic flame.

With security services on high alert on the day of the opening ceremony of the Olympics, tragedy strikes as the Olympic torch bearer is shot after being mistaken for a rioter as they run through the City of London. 

The torch bearer staggered around for a couple of minutes setting fire to a number of buildings, the fire quickly gets out of control as all the emergency services were at the Olympic site in Stratford, within hours the entire City of London and West End are engulfed in flames, still many tourists believe it’s part of the ceremony and take pictures before being consumed by the flames.  

The Great fire of London 2012 is voted best Olympic opening ceremony ever.

Kate is a Goddess official.

After the chaos of the fire in London bands of right wing vigilantes go on the hunt for foreigners who may have caused the fire. They stumble across the Royal family trying to get their possession out of Buckingham palace, on discovering that they are German the mob attack and the Royals are hacked to death, however Kate Middleton is spared and is declared the new ‘Mother Goddess’ and carried on a golden throne to a newly built ‘Stonehenge’ on the ruins on Westminster Abbey as Londoners go Pagan in the ruins of the capital.

The Market declared an official religion.

The lord moves in less mysterious ways than The Market

Leaders of the main religions of the world announce that they now accept ‘The Market’ as an official religion. The head of International Mega Investment Bank said ; “Yes finally it is recognised we are doing god’s work and at a quite reasonable management charge of 15%. The Markets are followed by more people than all the other religions combined. Just think how much more The Markets were mentioned at Christmas than the birth of that bloke we were meant to be celebrating, says it all really."

The Head of the Bank of England Mervyn King on hearing the news climbed on the roof of the Stock Exchange while wearing only a loin cloth and carrying a human skull. Standing on the roof he shouted out; “Yes oh great The Market we give you a sacrifice of 1 Million Virgin workers, 1 million young people who have never had a well-paid full time job. Feed on them oh great The Market, so you may grow strong again.” 

A similar scene could be found at the US Federal bank and the European Central bank where bankers could be seen dancing around bonfires of credit default swap contracts.

ITV’s new talent Show The only way is Esse X-Factor

ITV reveals a new Reality/talent show; ‘The only way is Esse X-Factor’. Where other counties of England perform in front of a panel of Judges to show they are as tacky, vacuous, and morally bankrupt and permanently faked tanned as Essex. Each week five counties will go head to head in front of 4 judges, a talentless boy band singer, a sarcastic former newspaper editor, a D list celeb from Essex and a gormless beautician/glamour model. 

The Cornwall team have work to do on their image.

Highlights of the first show include a Devon farmer who tries to Pimp his tractor, a pasty face trio of girls from Warwickshire who attempt to use a Sandwich toaster to get a tan while having affairs with each other’s boyfriends and a bloke from Yorkshire who tries to turn a rundown working man’s club into a trendy drug infested, cattle market nightclub. The winning county gets twinned with Benidorm.

Euro Vision Song Contest – Sing for your supper.

The 2012 Euro Vision Contest has a new twist as Nations sing in front of Bankers and Hedge funds not for points but for cash. Watch to see if nations go for a dramatic performance to show they are still strong or maybe go for a cute kid’s choir dressed in rags for the sympathy vote. 

Of course the most dramatic part will be the vote, watch the faces of the people of Greece as the Vote from Mega Bank comes in; “These are the cash injections from the Mega Bank jury, Germany ten billion euros, France five billions euros, Greece no money.” It’s pure entertainment gold, as there is no actual gold left in all of Europe.

US Presidential elections – Republican Mickey Mouse wins.

Any jokes about a  Mickey Mouse organization will lead to WAR.

In a dramatic US Presidential election year the Republicans went for a surprise candidate Mickey Mouse, as he was the only candidate that represented true American values and could still produce the American dream like he does at Disneyland. Mickey and his vice presidential candidate Donald Duck romped home in the Presidential Election with 90% of the vote. Tinker Bell was put in charge of the Federal Reserve and Mickey was sure her magic wand would solve all the economic problems.

Liberals Tweet “OMG! What have we done.”

After poor by-election results and poll ratings the entire Liberal parliamentary party commit suicide by drinking strychnine in organic apple juice. From the suicide note left at the scene they said they could no longer live with themselves for support a right wing Tory Party. 

Ironically in the by-elections that follow a new right wing party called the National Socialist Party wins every seat, it also wins election after election across Europe.

And finally

After another terrible year economically for Europe the leaders of Europe produce a combined end of 2012 message. A picture of a cute cat. Ahhh.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE RED TOP NEWS