Today we are honoured to have the head of Mega News Corp (Owner of The Red Top News) Rupert Bearface, writing in The Red Top News about how the on-going phone hacking scandal is affecting the media.
I would first like to say that this is the second most humble day of my life, the first being when one of my ex-wives caught me in bed with the nanny and said to her ‘You can keep the old cock but the credit cards are mine!”. That was truly a humbling experience that required a lot of counselling and Viagra to resolve.
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| Chairman Rupert Bearface |
So may I start by saying I deeply regret the hacking of simple, ordinary, common, simple people’s phones. This was frankly a disgrace as we all know you shift more papers when celebrities are involved, so for that I humbly apologies to our shareholders. Now in defence of our reporting of celebrity news, well first of all no one forced you the reader to buy this stuff, you all strolled into the new agents and bought it. Where did you think we found this stuff? A fire side chat with the film star and the prostitute?
Our publications did a great job entertaining the public and frankly saving many relationships. Just think how many couples would have survived the long weekend together, both sick of the sight of each other with nothing to say, without the Sunday morning boost of the most salacious stories our Sunday paper; “The World of News” could provide, so giving people something to talk about other than their own, ordinary common simple lives. This is something that Mega News Corp should be thanked for.
Anyway that’s the apology over, didn’t get where I am today by crying over spilt milk.
The Possible future of the Media.
Now let me show you the media world that could appear if the do-gooders get their way and the great Red Top tradition is lost. I will compare The Red Top News with that liberal, pinko, bleeding heart, eco-friendly publication The Gaydardian. To show you what the future holds let’s compare some headlines
Film Stars drug fuelled Orgy with Nazi dressed prostitutes to star in holocaust film.
The Gaydardian –
62% of sub-Saharan people suffer from diseases and poverty. Something must be done!
Yeah that Gaydardian headline goes down like a cup of cold sick over a Sunday morning breakfast table doesn’t it ! Bet you would be taking long Sunday walks rather than reading that stuff.
Or another
The Red Top News –
Starlet – My struggle with drink, drugs and my lesbian relationship with my half-sisters & best friend.
The Gaydardian –
Special report on government spending cuts and corporate tax evasion by Mega News Corp.
You see, that’s the sort of dull reports you can expect if The Red Tops go, you would be reaching for the kitchen knife and slitting your own throat if you had to wade through that.
Finally I would like to mention the supposed influence of Mega News Corp on politics, well we have had a good working relationship with British governments and some believe that will now end. Well I tell you this; I am head of MEGA NEWS CORP. I run the show, the commentators are correct we will no longer support a political party because I will now create a new party!
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| The New Cabinet |
I will throw the full weight of my media empire behind it, you will vote for it because that is the only positive political commentary you will hear read and watch! HAHAHAHAHAHA
No longer power by proxy I will rule your country MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Business news
UK GDP 2nd quarter growth at 0.2%
Growth figures for the UK economy were released this week, showing growth of just 0.2% The Red Top News talked to the chancellor George Osborne to ask him about his thoughts on the situation he said;
‘Well these are positive numbers which is always a good thing and of course we had some unique events that influenced economic growth like Weather, who would have expected that, and we are not Greece, a royal wedding where everyone had one extra day off. Which was a Friday before a bank holiday which we all know is when everyone is err working at full speed and um Sharon from Romford hurt her back so she couldn’t go shopping that effected the figures.”
The Red Top News asked him about the future prospects for the country’s economy he said;
“Well at least we are not Greece did I mention that ? And um people will probably have to holiday in the UK as we devalued the currency to help our export of manufacture goods which last quarter rose by a whopping 1.3% err sorry no that was minus 1.3% who would have thought that was possible, hey what about a song?
(Mr Osborne Breaks into a song)
And….Always look on the Bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life
If life seems Jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten……We loved singing this to the Oiks when the Bullingdon crowd where out drinking.
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
(At which point the Chancellors advisors and civil servants joined in)
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
The Chancellor then said; ‘Funny in the film it was the bloke who was being crucified that sang this, when now it’s me crucifying you all financially, it’s a funny old world."
And always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life...
A WITCH! A WITCH!
In breaking news, it has been announced by Mega News Corp that it found the real culprit of the phone hacking scandal, they have been identified as the former editor of the World of the News, Rebecca Tudor who has been discovered to be a witch.
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| Rebecca Tudor Ex Editor and WITCH!! |
The statement from Mega News Corp said. “Many people believed that this whole scandal was caused by a rich media corporation using unscrupulous tactics while working with private investigators and the police, to increase its profit margins. However we now believe that Rebecca Tudor was in fact using witchcraft to cast a spell over people. How else can you explain the corrupting of fine members of the police force and our greatest parliamentarians?
We will work fully with the inquiry lead by Matthew Hopkins the Witch Finder General. We hope that the burning of this witch in the middle of parliament square will satisfy the public demand for revenge and let the government, police and media carry on its business. And all the men involved get to put the blame on one women!
A final statement from our Chairman about The Red Top News.
Rupert Bearface:
You may be wondering why with my entire media empire to choose from I selected The Red Top News to issue my offical statement. Some may believe that it is because The Red Top News is a fine, honest upstanding publication encompassing all that is great in investigative reporting. That would be wrong;
I have chosen The Red Top News because the entire staff are such a bunch technological incompetents that there is no way that could even hack their own phones, let alone anyone else’s. Indeed that can’t even use the drinks machines in the office and the vending machines still contain Marathon bars such is their collective inability to use it. (That would be Snickers bars for our younger readers) So I truly believe their hands are clean.Thank you.
