The Red Top News Feb 2011

David Cameron Launches "the Big Sigh 'n' Tea"

Today the Prime Minister re launched his big society idea by rebranding it ‘The ‘Big sigh ‘n’ tea’.

At the launch he said. “It’s become apparent to me that the British people are extremely sceptical about the coalition’s plan of removing government funding from charities, and getting citizen to volunteer and fill the gaps. I now realise what the British people will do in these harsh economic times is to look at the chaos around them. Give a big sigh, keep their heads down and have a nice cup of tea and hope it doesn’t affect them. So the government’s big initiative will be reducing VAT on teabags and a free teapot for every family to help the nation.

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Mummy I don't like my Kinder Surprise!



Eco Terrorists The Wombles infiltrated by

 Police Undercover officers.

The Metropolitan police have admitted to another undercover police operation against an eco-group. The head of the Metropolitan Police Service Sir Paul Stephenson explained that the National Public Order Intelligence Unit had identified the Wombles as a very dangerous Eco Terrorist group. And so it was decided to infiltrate the group.

Cold eyed killers!

 Sir Paul Stephenson explained further; “These Wombles are a worldwide organization, we decided to infiltrate the UK branch who’s HQ is in Wimbledon, they are a secret, underground, over ground, organization, that believes in communal work and clearing up what they call capitalist waste. In our books that made them Eco-Communist terrorist, I mean their leader calls himself, Uncle Bulgaria which we believe he based on his hero Uncle Joe Stalin







The Red Tops crime reporter asked the Police Chief if he realised that the Wombles are a fictional characters in a children TV series?
Sir Paul Stephenson replied; ‘What do you mean fictional? We have had 3 police officers working undercover for the last 3 years, sending back regular reports. In fact as we speak all three are in Barbados on the trail of a Mr Tobermory from the Wombles, they have been out there for the last 6 months….’
At which point Sir Paul Stephenson went very pale and hurried out of the room. The Red Top believes this will go down as another embarrassing undercover police operation.

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Kenneth Clarke says ‘Middle classes are a bunch of clueless ****Wits

Kenneth Clarke the Tory justice secretary in an interview with The Red Top about the upcoming government cuts said, “Middle England is really clueless about the scale of the cuts and how they will affect their everyday lives. Once their Toddler drop in centre and over 50’s Wednesday swimming clubs shuts down, they will start to realise the big picture. Of course they will be most upset because being ‘aspirational’, they would have liked to think the Conservative party was looking after them, however they just have to realise that the gap between them and us is huge, I mean have you seen the number of millionaires that sit around the cabinet table?”

Asked what the coalition was going to do about the growing unrest that could occur he said; “Well the same thing that happened in the 1930’s in Germany, when the middle classes were squeezed. We will draw their attention to the feckless poor and ethnic minorities, and they can take their frustration out on them. I mean it is no coincident that David Cameron made his speech about the failure of Multiculturalism in Munich now is it! We will sit back sipping champagne as the people fight amongst themselves, its divide and rule. Of course they could always go back to Labour haha.

Historical records show Battle of Britain's Plan B – cuts to back office staff

The Red Top has had access to the latest government documents declassified from the national archives from the late 1930’s and early 40’s. It reveals that like today, a massive increase in the national debt had the nation’s politicians thinking about cuts. Ministers in the Treasury suggested to the RAF that they should cut some of their back office staff because what was really important was front line services i.e. the actual Fighter planes. The letter written just before the outbreak of war, from the Treasury to the Air Chief Marshall read as follows.


June 1939
Dear Air Chief Marshall Dowding.

In this difficult time, we believe that are plenty of cost savings that can be made in the back office of the RAF. So we can really concentrate on the front line service that is important, the number of planes we have. We have a few suggestions of what to cut.


1) RADAR: I think we really need to cut back on our technology costs, this is an unproven system which we believe won’t be missed. We must cut back on IT projects.

2) Fighter Command Control Centre: Do we really need this call centre? Paying ladies to take phone calls and move blocks of wood across a map of the UK seems an awful waste of money.

3) Royal Observer Corps: Frankly paying for people to sit around in the countryside staring into the sky while drinking tea is a disgrace these should be closed.

4) Airfields: Do we really need so many? Cannot the squadrons share resources? We think you can half the number of airfields.

5) Ground Crews: Again we seem to have lots of back office people sitting around drinking tea and seeming to do very little work. We suggest outsourcing this, so if a Fighter needs repairing we can send it China. We save at least 60% on costs and only add 10 weeks to the repair time.
6) Pilots: we think you can cut down on the number of pilots that need to be trained. We have enough already and their average age is 21 so it will be years before any of them retire.


Anyway these are just are suggestions, we do require a 50% cut in your running costs, because cutting costs at this time of national peril is what we believe is important.


Air Chief Marshall Dowding replied with the following dispatch.

"Cretins."


President Mubarak quits. People in the Europe rejoice at not having to cancel their Holidays.

The peoples of democratic nations all over Europe rejoiced as the Egyptian President finally resigned from office and so they didn’t need to change their holiday plans. The Red Top Interviewed one holiday maker Cleo Patcher, she said;



Tourist join in Democracy celebrations

 ‘It’s wonderful news about the Egyptians getting democracy as it means my holiday to Sham El Shake goes ahead and my holiday insurance still covers me. And hopefully the Egyptians will be bit more cheerful now, last time the waiter was a right miserable sod when I gave him a 50p tip. He was mumbling that he had a PhD in Astrophysics; I told him that wasn’t my problem and to get me a double vodka. Do you know they only had 2 brands of vodka, what sort of country is that! Hopefully democracy will improve the bar selection.”


In other news from Egypt, the Egyptian people partied at the news of the fall of the Egyptian President. And then went wild with celebration as the army dissolved parliament and suspended the constitution. Some commentators said this may show that the public don’t actually know what democracy is.

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