Red Top News May 2010

Bono’s back injured by weight of his Ego say Doctors

U2 announced that they are pulling out of the Glastonbury festival due to Bono injuring his back. The Red Top’s show biz reporter discovered from a doctor that the injury was caused by the massive weight of Bono’s ego on his spine.

The Doctor was quoted as saying. ‘Well in his youth Bono’s spine could take the weight of his ego, but as he got older his back got weaker, while the ego just grew and grew in size. What with the string of number one albums, working with President Bush, singing for President Obama’s inauguration, then the audience he called with the Pope. Well it was all too much for his spine and it finally gave way.’

BP Throws mud around in attempt to stop leak of bad news.


BP announce one last attempt to stop the bad press about the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico by throwing mud around in the hope that it will stick to any of it’s subcontractors and suppliers.


A BP spokesmen said, ‘Well it’s getting desperate we have been trying to stop the leak of bad news for weeks now. First we tried the ‘Top Hat’ which involved a lot of bloody good chaps going to Washington DC and playing the special relationship card with Congress, this didn’t work. The Yanks love it when we are talking posh about the Royal Family, but it works less well when we are trying to explain a massive oil slick on their coast line. We just come across as the baddy in a Hollywood film.

Then we tried the funnel solution which was to direct bad news to specialist drilling magazines which no one reads, but they just passed it on to the main stream media. So now we are attempting the Throw Mud around solution in an attempt to stop the flow of bad news. Hopefully we can divert the cause of the pollution onto some supplier of the equipment, which will allow us to continue to drill off the US coast.




37000 babies left on doorstep of 11 Downing Street

The planned Treasury cuts to the Child Trust Fund, has results in 37000 babies being left on doorstep of 11Downing Street, as parents dumped their children onto George Osborne and tell him to ‘Get on with it’

The Red Top interviewed one parent. ‘Well we only had the child for the £250 voucher at it's birth and the additional money later on; we thought it was a government financial guarantee to promote child birth. I think they have broken their side of the bargain so they can look after the kid.’

The Treasury has said thanks to the Chancellors negotiations with suppliers, the government will get a good deal on nappies and baby milk.

However it was made clear that the Liberal Democrat Treasury Secretary David Laws will be left to change all the nappies. Said a conservative spokesmen, we give Laws all the crap jobs like announcing cuts to parliament, so nappy changing should be right up his street.

DISGRACE! British Government spending £40m on

Head of Paedophile rings tour of UK

 

The Red Top has discovered that the British government is spending £40m on the cost of allowing the head of an international Paedophile ring to tour the UK. Calling himself the ‘Pope’, his string of followers calling themselves the ‘Priests’ they have been praying on the worlds children where ever they have setup shop. The Red Top says this tour must be stopped.

Showbiz News

Dr Who Story: An excuse to print pictures of his assistant.

In this weeks episode of Dr Who, the Doctor travels to earth in the 15th century or something, and saves the planet from aliens again, with use of his sonic screw driver and aided by his lovely assistant.

In next weeks episode of Dr Who the doctor travels to earth…..blah blah blah and aided by his lovely assistant.

Red Top Opinon Poll:

Should Karen Gillian have her own spin off show?

Vote Now!

(Ed. If we don't get lots of hits on our site now I don't know what else to do!)

TECHNOLOGY NEWS

Computer Geeks go crazy for digital coffee table iCoaster

Now available in the UK, Geeks are rushing to buy the latest product from Apple Computers, the iCoaster is the latest must have gadget.

The Red Top interviewed one lucky buyer Trevor, who had been standing out side the Apple store since last Thursday. We asked him what it was about the iCoaster that made him stand outside for 7 days and end up looking like a Tramp.

Trevor said, “It’s an amazing bit of technology, a must have. You place it on your coffee table and then when you put a cup of coffee on it, the touch screen lights up, WOW. You can even get it to play music when you put the cup on top of it.

It's ideal for when I am watching a film in the dark. I can put my drink down and the room lights up when the cup makes contact with the table, no more spilling drinks for me. My girlfriend thinks it’s great, well when I say girlfriend, I mean the next door neighbour who comes around when she has problems with her iPod.”

The iCoaster retails for around £500

Campaign starts to become leader of the Loser Party.

After Gordon Brown stepped down as the leader of the Loser Party, a number of candidates have launched their campaigns to replace him.

The candidates so far are the Jedward brothers, Ed ‘The Brown enforcing  Balls Crusher’, a women candidate who is also a member of an ethnic minority and Nice bloke who ran the NHS for a while.

Jedward the Elder wants to reconnect with the people who are traditional Loser Party supports. People who may not own second homes, have extensive share holdings, or a large pension, and may even be involved with manual labour. He will talk to them very slowly and condescendingly to make sure they know what is good for them.

Jedward the Younger wants to reconnect with traditional Loser Party supports, who may have felt let down by members of the Loser Party, spending all their time drinking champagne and snorting cocaine with their city friends as the economy crashed around their ears. Also he was against the Iraq war, unlike his bloodthirsty, war film watching brother.

Ed ‘The Brown enforcing Balls Crusher’; wants to reconnect with the salt of the earth, bitter drinking, and greyhound racing Loser Party supporter. However as Gordon Brown’s attack dog, he also wants to have long chats with Loser Party MP’s and go through the dossier he has on each of them, to make sure they know the best way to vote.



The Ethnic Minority Women Candidate wants to reconnect with the less traditional Loser Party supporter and as a woman of ethnic minority origin she thinks she is the right person to do it. Who can forget her principle stand against Private education, as she sent her son to a Private school.

Nice Bloke, who ran the NHS, wants to reconnect with the traditional Loser Party supporter, by having a nice chat and a nice cup of tea with them all. So he can find out if they are upset that the Loser Party ignored them all when in power, while partying with Non-Doms and fat cats.

COMING SOON THE RED TOP WORLD CUP SPECIAL

COME ON ENGLAND! FOR THE QUEEN MUM, SICK KIDDIES, HENRY THE Err something, ST GEORGE, BRAVE SECOND WORLD VETERANS, THIS SCEPTRED ISLE, THIS GREEN AND PLEASANT LAND

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS WHO WILL BE PUTTING ADVERTS IN OUR PAPER AS LONG AS YOU ARE STILL IN THE WORLD CUP.

Red Top Hung Parliament

HUNG PARLIAMENT CRISIS HORROR

Red Top Demands a Strong Leader

The Red Top says:

We are sick of the weak willed leaders of the political parties talking about coalition government. What the UK needs is a strong leader, that is why we are backing Adolf Hitler to lead the country.

Our reasons for backing Adolf:

1) When it comes to getting political parties working together, Adolf is your man, by abolishing all the political parties and sticking the politicians in prison. So leaving the job of running government to himself.

2) He has a proven track record of protecting the interests of Financiers and Industrialists like us, err we mean the interests of the common people.

3) When it comes to using ethnic minorities as scapegoats, to take the heat of the countries elites that got us into this mess, Mr Hitler fits the bill. And now he has even more material to work with, to set citizen against citizen.

4) The country is overcrowded and full of Eastern Europeans. Well Adolf has a great record of creating living space in the ‘East’ for the nation he leads. And with the east Europeans in our country they might tell us the best A roads to drive our tanks along when we invade Poland.

5) He will get the country working again; he greatly reduced unemployment the last time he was in power by getting the unemployment to build motorways and dealing with the Unions. That’s right he put them in prison as well.

6) He is Pro-European Union. But it will be on his terms. A greater Britannia with an ever closer occupation.. err union with our European partners.

So 6 good reasons to back the man who will save us from this ‘Democracy’ with all it’s long winded complicated negotiations, that the simple people of Britain fail to understand. All they want is a strong government that will save the countries economy and their house prices. Also MEGA News Corps profits. (Ed note ‘Sorry daddy for backing Cameron’)