Red Top Budget Special 2010

BUDGET SPECIAL 2010

Chancellor announces sale

of last Government owned assets

Budget 2010 Key Points

First time buyers will pay no stamp duty on properties under £250,000. “The entire economy has been built on debt with house prices seen as some indicator of economic prosperity. But it only works if we can drag more people into the housing market. The banks are not giving money to first time buyers so we are desperately trying something else.” announced the Chancellor.

Bank Lending
Chancellor has agreed with Royal Bank of Scotland and Lloyds - both state-subsidised - that they will lend some £94bn - at least half to small and medium-sized firms. “These banks picked winners last time I am sure they will do it again….err no wait” said the chancellor.

Transport£100M in the budget for repairing potholes. “If only repairing the big hole in the government finances was so cheap” Said the chancellor

Efficiency Savings
Chancellor announced the relocating of 15,000 civil service jobs from London to Poland, China and India. “Well if it’s good enough for the private sector it’s good enough for us.” Said the Chancellor

Benefits & tax credits
Government will look into scrapping compulsory retirement, as quite frankly private pensions and state pensions are not going to cover the cost of living so we need people to work until they drop.
For families, those with one or two year olds will get an extra £4 a week in child credits, regardless of whether the recipients are single parents, cohabiting, married or the alcoholic who has kidnapped a child. So the child can be used for the extra cash so the drunk can pay the extra 10% duty on cider.

ISA limit will be raised from £7,200 to £10,200. “It does not matter as people don’t have money to save anyway.”

Borrowing & Growth
Government borrowing was revised downwards. The Chancellor said “We had predicated borrowing of a bloody massive number to big to comprehend. Now we have revised it down to a bloody massive number still to big to comprehend.”


Downgrades growth forecast to a level which they think they can get away while still making the budget figures work.

The City says they will keep a close eye on the Chancellor’s figures.

Bankers and credit rating agencies have said they will study closely the chancellor’s figures to see if he is being financially responsible. The Red Top says ‘Perhaps if the banks and credit agencies had taken a close look at their own figures we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!'

BBC announces new budget cuts.

Management at the BBC have announced a new round of cuts in its budget due to the ongoing economic uncertainties.

1) Eastenders to be moved to Poland and to be called West Warszawa’s. It will be cheaper to produce in Poland. Also even with no changes it will be a more realistic representation of Warsaw than it ever was of the Eastend.

2) Top Gear to be reduced to just one presenter, Jeremy Clarkson. Head of Programming said ‘We only really need one petrol head to talk bollocks about cars, the environment and the ‘Nanny state’

3) News 24 will now be reduced to 5 min bulletin at the top of the hour with another 10 mins of weather, as that’s what most people seem to talk about. The other 45 mins will be of webcams positioned around the world trouble spots. The camera images will constantly change from location to location until something happens.

4) Match of the day will still cover Premiership football. However the panel of old football players will be replaced with 4 random football fans dragged from the pubs after the games. Said the head of sport ‘We think these 4 drunken fans will be giving a much more interesting insight into the game than some ex player droning on. We might even get a bit of a fight if the debate gets heated.”


5) BBC London studios to be shutdown, and new ones built in Scunthorpe. The move will also allow the BBC to produce 400 hrs of TV showing building programs and interior design programs about the new studios and offices. Also reality TV show as we follow some of the top presenters and news readers moving from the Home counties to the North East. ‘It will be comedy gold’ said the head of the BBC.

Other News

British Airways refuses Beer and Sandwiches talks with Unions at Number 10

BA management have refused negotiations at Number Ten Downing Street with the unions. These negotiations often referred to as ‘Beer and sandwiches’ talks from the 1970’s era of industrial disputes. Have been turned down by management because as Willie Walsh head of BA said ‘They are bloody cabin crew, they will have an unfair advantage as they serve Beer and sandwiches all the time.”

The Red Top travel correspondent was at Heathrow to ask passengers what they thought of the strike.

One traveller said. ‘It’s a disgrace, these union workers calling a strike have ruined my travel plans. I have spent 4 years saving up for this holiday. Well it would have been 3 but we had a pay freeze at work, and I could possible have saved in 2 but all our paid overtime was removed. Actually it would have been one year of saving but our company changed the pension plan and I have to pay in twice as much of my salary into that as well. Curse those unions for trying to stop a race to the bottom for workers rights.


Red Top Opinion Poll

The Red Top conducted an opinion poll on the crucial question facing the country today.

‘What would you do if you found your partner in bed with the captain of your favourite team?’

4% Would grab a kitchen knife and chase the Captain out of the house

38% Would grab their autograph book and a camera, to get a photo to show their friends that the captain had been in their house.

28% Would take a photo on their mobile of the Captain with their partner and then phone the press to try and make some money out of the story.

26% Would make the Captain a cup of tea and have a chat in the living room about how the season was going

4% Would grab a kitchen knife and chase the Captain from the house shouting ‘You idiot we have an important game tomorrow”

ISREAL says "Yeah Yeah USA. We won’t stop building settlements; you need us to blow the shit out of Iran.”

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has said that Israel will not stop building housing in East Jerusalem. He told reporters that the USA had kicked up a fuss but then remembered that they needed Israel to quote ‘Blow the shit out of Iran’s nuclear program’ as the US public would not accept its own forces doing it. He went on to say. “We are like the slightly arrogant friend who is an embarrassment at dinner parties, but useful if you get caught in any trouble in a night club on a Friday night.’



The Mayan 2012 Prophecy of Doom. Priest may have manipulated data says archaeologists.

In news that stunned the world of err End of World thought. Archaeologists have discovered stone tablets that seem to prove that Mayan Priest manipulated data to prove that the world would end in 2012. An archaeologist said ‘For New Age people there are a strong belief that some cataclysmic event will occur in 2012 based on the completion of the 5,125 year Maya long count calendar.

However we discovered information that showed Priests may have manipulated data. One stone tablet message from High Priest of the Mayan said ‘I have just completed the trick of adding in days to future years. So our end of world predictions happens thousands of years away. That way we don’t have to worry about being proved wrong.” This I think is damming evidence against the prophecy.


M15 and Special Branch swoop and arrest all blondes in UK

After two white blonde females in the USA were linked to Al-Qaeda. M15’s new £360 million pound terrorist profiling computer has produced data which resulted in all blondes under the age of 40 in the UK being arrested on suspicion of being terrorists. A member of special branch said ‘Well we sprang into action as the profiling computers sprayed out names. We have been busy arresting blondes outside night clubs, tanning salons, hairdressers and clothes shops. This gives a whole new meaning to Blonde bombshell’

There have been reports of Black haired, Brunettes and Red headed females celebrating in the streets with  champagne. One Brunette with a bottle of Bollinger in her hand said. ‘Ha ha, who said blondes always have the most fun. Bet they look great in orange jump suits.”
Super drug has announced a massive increase in sales of hair dye.
(Ed. We would like to thank the photo editor who spend many hours last night researching the blonde photo)

West Country News

West Country population unhappy about immigration, according to opinion poll.

In an opinion poll conducted by West Country News 85% of the population of the South West say there are to many immigrants in the area.

Interviewed by West Country news one member of the public said “These immigrants come here with their strange ways, funny food and strange accents. They don’t fit into our culture, they should go back to the West Midlands, Hampshire, Surrey or where ever. Bloody foreigners’.

The owner of a traditional tea shop in Culm Town said. “These immigrants come in my teashop demanding their strange drinks and foods. One came in yesterday and asked for a Cuppachino and a Pannannie or something. I told them they are getting tea or coffee and a sandwich and be happy with it, or go back to where they came from. I mean we try to cater for different tastes. We offer Earl grey tea and brown as well as white bread for the sandwiches.”

Witherton gets new Bus route

Local councillors in Witherton, Somerset have announced that after a trail period, the Witherton to Big City bus service will become a permanent route. One local standing at the bus stop told the West Country News what they thought about it. “It be great news, Witherton is a small town and the Big City offers things like, clothes shops, that frothy coffee stuff and McDonalds.”

The bus company has said that the bus will leave Witherton at 8:00 am on Monday and Friday. When asked about the times of the return journey from the Big City to Witherton the bus company spokesman said. “There is no return service, during the trail period no one ever wanted to come back to Witherton”

Sport: Football

In the Dave’s Farm Machinery South West Football League Division 3 fixtures at the weekend. The big clash was the local derby between Butterly Utterly and Culm Town Badgers.

The game was evenly poised at 1-1 with 10 minutes to go when a controversial, comical incident happened. Badgers striker Terry Johnson hit a shot just outside the penalty area when suddenly a sheep, later identified as Flossy, ran onto the pitch. The Butterly goalkeeper had the shot covered but the ball struck the sheep on the head and was diverted into the net as the Butterly Utterly goal keeper was left stranded. The referee allowed the goal to stand and the Badgers won the game.

Butterly have made an official complaint to the Dave’s Farm Machinery South West League association.
The local farmer Mr Giles who owned the sheep said. “It’s all very odd, I have never heard of a sheep interested in football before. It’s a well know rural fact that sheep don’t like football.


STRIKERS SECRET SHEEP AFFAIR EXPOSED.

Star striker of Culm Town Badgers Terry Johnson has admitted being unfaithful to his wife, having had an eight month affair with Flossy the sheep. The Badgers striker had tried to keep the story out of the papers by giving the editor of the West Country news £100 in a paper bag. However the editor said he ran the story a few days later as the rumours were all over West Country social networking sites. Felt tip pen comments on Pub toilet walls and carved into bus stops windows.

Said the West Country news editor “You can’t ignore comments that were made on these sites; things like ‘Striker shags sheep’ were all over the place.

In a statement Terry Johnson said “I would like to apologies to by wife for my adulterous affair with Flossy the sheep. I hope the press will give us the time and space to sort out our marriage.”
Terry John has been told he will no longer be the face of “Champflower real Devon Cider” and he will have to buy his own football boots as Francis Sport and Fishing Tackle shop of Culm Town withdraws it’s sponsorship. Mr Francis said "It's not the sort of thing we want to be associated with. If it had been a Carp or Rainbow Trout I could maybe have understood the madness of it all.

Steve Margarine the manager of Butterly Utterly said “It all makes sense now, why flossy appeared on the pitch and ran towards Sheep sh…I mean Mr Johnson. We will demand a rematch.
Farmer Giles the owner of Flossy said “I am shocked by this scandal. I am president of the County fair and Terry Johnson was meant to be opening it this year. However I will refuse to shake his hand.

SPOT THE COW COMPETITION

This week’s competition a field in Gloucestershire. Spot the cow and win £30 worth of vouchers for Mr Smith’s animal feed shop.

Business news

Merger of North Somer Farm and South Somer Farm in Cornwall announced.
Farmer Francis Somer, of South Somer farm has announced the merger of his farm with North Somer Farm. The merger has come about as Francis Somer marries his first cousin, Rosie Somer. Francis Somer said “This is great news the merger will give us great economies of scale. For one thing I can sale the spare tractor.”
He continued “For years the Somers married Somers to keep the farm together. Then some 30 years ago the authorities said there were problems with our marriage arrangements. So it had to stop. We didn’t see what the problem was, true all the females in the family had 6 fingers on their left hand, and all the males would go mental during a harvest moon. But then we were not as bad as the Maulder family farm, they provided the local village idiot from 1930 to 1962. Anyway seems Rosie's mum marrying that bloke from a Town 20 miles away in the 70's has sorted everything out."

Farmer Brown looks forward to this summer’s Tractor Fest.

Farmer Brown has told the West Country News how he and the other west country farmers are looking forward to the annual summer Tractor Fest. This annual event is where farmers exhibit their farm machinery to the visiting tourists by driving up and down the A roads of the West Country very slowly.

Said Farmer Brown “The tourist love the close up view of West Country farm equipment, it gives them the authentic feel of the farming life. As I drive down the road at 15mph, I never tire of the tourist beeping their horns, flashing their lights and giving a big wave with their hands as they over take. They always seem to be shouting their appreciation but the tractor engine is so loud I can never really work out what they are saying. Think it usually begins with a W”



News in Short

Police make drugs raid on Pub.

Police yesterday raided the Fox and Hunt Saboteur pub in Axeter, seizing 60 kg of Cocaine. However it later turned out to be dental powder.

Riots in Trumpeter-St Mary, Cornwall

Local youths from Trumpeter-St Mary and near by village of Budlentford, clashed on Friday night in the Village centre. Riot police with tear gas and riot shields had to be called in. It appears that the fight broke out because ‘Bus Shelter’ Mary from Budlentford had been seen with a bloke from Trumpeter. Mary was quoted as saying that she had been out with all the boys in Budlentford and was bored.

Armed Police raid drug selling pub.

At the weekend armed police raided the Old Stoat pub in Crudington on suspicion of selling drugs. A police office said “Along with your pint of Otter Bile Cider and pork scratchings, you could also get a little packet of drugs, hung up like a packet of peanuts.”

Man beaten up for ordering Orange juice in Public House

In Cinderdean in Gloucestershire a stranger came into the Old Tree Choppers pub and ordered an orange juice. A few minutes later police had to be called as locals beat him to a pulp. A local afterwards said “We waited to see if asked for vodka to be added, but he didn’t. We don’t like weirdo sorts around here so we beat him up.”
Local bobby PC Davy Clyst said “We take this sort of crime very seriously, people ordering soft drinks in a pub is criminal. I mean I even turn a blind eye to drunk drivers at the weekend.”