Red Top News April2012

Government fuel crisis was a bet

A Red Top Investigation has discovered that the crisis at the fuel pumps before Easter was in fact a result of a bet between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor. Where the Prime Minister thought from his experience of public relations it would be really easy to manipulate the public into a panic, while the Chancellor thought it would take much more than a few comments from the government to cause chaos. 

Crikey they are sheep haha.

On being told of the discovery of the bet by The Red Top News the Prime Minister David Cameron commented; “Yes yes, it’s all true I was sitting with George the Chancellor and I told him that I thought it would only take a few comments from a couple of plummy voice people and the lower classes would run around like mindless sheep in a panic. George and I sat there drinking champagne while watching the news as people queued for hours at the pumps, we had a jolly good laugh.

The Red Top has also discovered that the government’s next scare story is going to say that all poor and unemployed people are in fact Zombies and must be hacked to death. The government  are hoping this scare with greatly reduce the social security bill as people rush to B&Q to buy axes and then go on the rampage.

God to apply for Archbishop of Canterbury job

In an unexpected development God has thrown its hat into the ring and said it will apply for the job of Archbishop of Canterbury and head of the Church of England.

GOD speaks to The Red Top News

Talking to our reporter via a burning bush in Hyde Park God told us the reason for applying. “Well mortal it’s like this. I thought it was time to get back to the floor and get things back on track. I am getting a bit sick of people trying to interpret what I think. I tried to make it easy with 10 rules, not much to ask is it but no. Endless debates about pointless things. Anyway as head of the Church of England it will give me chance to try out a few things before heading off to Rome. Yes it is the same god, same corporation just different brands!”

And on the 7th Day God took his credit card and went shopping.

Asked if there were any other reasons he had pick the Church of England, God said. “Yes the Sunday trading laws in England .I think there is a great opportunity for synergy between the spiritual and mammon corporate sectors. Basically I will allow all day shopping trading hours on Sunday, however the consumer will need to spend an hour at church before being allowed to go to a shopping Mall. People will do anything if it means they can by the iPhone or Gucci bag. I mean they spend hours in church trying to get there kids into a “good” school. So its win win for church and shop owner.

Oik’s to be introduced into The Boat Race

After the disruption of the University boat race by a swimmer, organisers have announced that although it was a disgrace that such an interruption to a great British tradition happened. It did make it the most interesting boat race ever. So from next year new rules will be introduced, they were explained by 

Row row down the plebs.

Sir Russell Groupen head of the boat race he said; “Well people have complained that it’s elitist that the top two Universities in the country every year compete in a boat race that is televised and part of the social calendar, to the exclusion of all others. So from next year 24 people from lower educational institutions will be selected and allowed to compete. 

These 24 people will be thrown into the Thames at random points along the race course and it’s then up to them to try and disrupt the two boats. Of course to make it slightly fairer on Oxford and Cambridge the boats will have sharpened oars and harpoons. It really it death or glory for the swimmers, and it will be lesson to all those people watching to know their place in the social order. Have you seen or read The hunger games? Marvelous idea.

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Brian is so unaware of his place in the Global capitalist mode of production that he feels EPIC!. The fool.

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Your so wasting your time and you don’t even know it.

Syrian President to become King

The president of Syria Bashar al-Assad has declared that he will now become King of Syria. Asked why he has made the decision he said. “Well I noticed that all across the Middle East dictators are being toppled while Monarchs of Middle East Kingdoms who have much more repressive laws for their people, seemed to be allowed to carry on without a word being said. So from today I am King Assad of the Kingdom of Syria. 

The President is dead long live the King.

On hearing the news the head of the British Foreign Office Sir John Bull said. “A new King, that  is jolly good news just the sort of respectable, shining example to his people and the world that the Syrian people need. He shall be invited to a state visit to the palace as soon as possible.”

When the Red Top told King Assad the news about his new found respectability in the international community he said. “Hey I am not surprised it’s a f***** up world. I’m the same person but with a crown, anyone would think that certain monarchs in Western Europe would not be to happy if Kingdoms start getting overthrown in the Middle East. We Alawites aren’t stupid you know.”