The Red Top News: Aug 11

ENGLISH RIOTS: THE RED TOP NEWS SOLUTION!

After considering the implications of the riots on the very fabric of this green and pleasant land, this sceptred isle, this England. (Excuse me *sob*). The Red Top News team have considered many of the solutions to England’s ills, from tougher sentences handed out by the courts, job and training opportunities for the nation’s youth to plastic bullets and water cannon for the police. However we now believe the only solution is to bring in the Taliban!

No sonny we are going to clip OFF your ear.

That’s right only by having certain areas of the UK being patrolled by the Taliban will our streets be safe from future riots. Think of the law and order they will bring.  Someone caught looting, off with a hand, caught in possession of stolen goods, a good whipping, arson, set fire to them for 3 minutes. (Ed. Better check to see that is valid in Sharia Law?) Being drunk and disorderly, a good stoning.

Community policing

We believe that the Taliban would keep our streets safe and to be fair with the UK having spent 10 years trying to make Afghan cities safe it’s only good manners to let them have a crack at keeping ours safe.

Take that you whining liberal papers like the Express, Sun, and Daily Mail with your hug a hoodie solution like firing plastic bullets.

An Apology

During the riots in England, The Red Top News was temporarily closed. This was due to the editor spotting a hoodie outside the offices and so he invoked our disaster recovery plan. This resulted in us moving to a bunker somewhere in the English countryside, sadly all that was there were 20 bottles of water a couple of Mars bars and a typewriter dating from the 1950’s.

Gang warfare continues on London Streets.

Two weeks after the riots in London gang warfare is still raging on the streets of our capital between two of the biggest gangs, the Parliament boys and the New Scotland Yardies. A turf war has broken out on the streets around Westminster.

Gangs face off.

The head of New Scotland Yardies who goes by the name ‘The Commissioner’ said; ‘Those Parliament boys had better keep their mouths shut man; we are the force on the streets. No one tells us how we rule the streets, we are the law. In response the head of the Parliament boys ‘PM DC’ said, ‘Those New Scotland Yardies can’t run jack ***t, we are taking over to show those Mother F***** how to do it, ya get me bruv ?

The Red Top News asked members of the public what they thought a Mr Delonn Wallace of Hackney said;’ I must say it’s frightful that these chaps are fighting so publicly on our streets, why can’t they  settle their difference over a nice bottle of Chardonnay?

New Pictures of Looters published.

Police have published new photos of Looters in the streets of London, have you seen them?

This bunch where last seen looting entire nations. Last known whereabouts was in Greece and Ireland.

These looters not only destroyed many shops in the high streets up and down the country by removing lending from them, they did so while claiming hand outs from the government.

These guys not only looted they were also selling Fake ‘AAA’ grade investments.

If you can identify any of them please call crime stoppers as the Police have not managed to arrest one single banker or trader.

Economics:

Chancellor detects Growth.

Micro-scopic Economics

The Chancellor George Osborne announced today that he had spotted the signs of growth while looking into a microscope in an attempt to detect any. He said, ‘I was looking at the British economy through a microscope and there it was, a large growing object was detected, look there it is again!....oh wait it’s my thumb.”

An economist commented, “It was a real surprise as the Chancellor usually has his thumb somewhere else.”

Advert

New from MB games:

Pin your prejudice on a rioter.

Fun for all the family, pick your prejudice and attempt to pin it on a rioter. Score points for how outrageous your prejudice and how long it sticks.

For Mental age of six or lower.

Middle Class shock at end of Inner city Nirvana

Middle class England living in multi ethnic communities where shocked during the riots to discover that their ‘Wonderfully diverse London community’ wasn’t just the interesting Sunday markets, trendy bars and marvellous ethnic restaurants, but actually contained lots of poor people and people who indulged in criminal behaviour.

Always a warm Welcome in London.

We interviewed one of the residents of the community a Mr Zak Burton, a graphic designer for an Eco charity about the riots he said;’ It was terrible, I mean I thought this was a nice area the Mongolian-West Indian- Jellied eel fusion restaurant menu was to die for. But to find out that we are living amongst violent gangs was a shock.”

The Red Top asked did he not know that the borough he lived in was one of the poorest in the country, he said. ‘Well my street was fine and the high street was marvellous and the trip to the train station was ok, to be honest I didn’t go anywhere else, anyway got to go, off to an estate agent in Surrey. Seems they still sale organic Guatemalan Latte there.”