NUCLEAR DISASTER SPECIAL!
With the on-going incident at the Fukushima nuclear plant, the Red Top brings you an update on the situation. On Friday we interviewed Professor Ray Gamma when the nuclear plant first reported problems, in his initial reaction he said; “I think we have nothing to worry about, it is just a slight problem. I think it is just a procedural thing, declaring a nuclear incident. Indeed I believe it was just because someone had to manual press a button (Chuckles). There is no need to panic.”
On Saturday and Sunday we had a Q&A session with him.
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| Prof Ray Gamma |
Prof Ray Gamma: “There is again nothing really to worry about they have backup plans for this sort of thing. Nuclear power is safe more people die from the carbon from coal fire power stations.”
Not long after we showed the Prof the film of the explosion that occurred at the plant.
Prof Ray Gamma ‘WOW!..err I mean that does not look critical, it does not look like a nuclear explosion. In fact I think you will find the building is designed to explode like that.”
The Red Top:”Is it really?”
Prof Ray Gamma: “Yes yes it’s fine, look the cloud isn’t even mushroom shaped.”
The Red Top: “But surely an explosion is never good ?”
Prof Ray Gamma: “Look I am a professor of nuclear physics and who are you going to believe, me or your mate who has his ‘Theory’? The same mate who still gazes in wonder at his potato in the microwave as it goes around and around and he still thinks it magic that cooks it.
The Red Top: “Professor is it true that you also receive a lot of funding from the Nuclear Industry?”
Prof Ray Gamma: “Err yes that is true but that doesn’t influence me. Look there has been a small leak and frankly you get more exposure when you have an X-ray, as long as you don’t ingest the nuclear particles.
The Red Top: “Sorry you said as long as you don’t ingest the particles?”
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| When is a needle in the RED ever good !? |
The Red Top: “Are you just playing down this so you keep that nice well paid advisor for the nuclear industry role.
Prof Ray Gamma: “Look I am an independent Nuclear physicist who gives calming advice while ridiculing anyone else who dares challenge the ‘Nuclear is safe’ narrative.
The Red Top: "So Professor the news today is that the nuclear rods are now partially exposed your thoughts?"
Prof Ray Gamma: “Look, think of the nuclear reactor as a large Kettle. All it needs is a slight topping up of water to cover the elements of the kettle and we can all have a nice cup of tea.
The Red Top: “News just in it seems the rods are now totally exposed?”
Prof Gamma: “Right will be back in a second.”
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| Nothing to see move..well it's radiation there is NOTHING to see |
Prof Gamma disappeared for 15 min and then comes back wearing a radiation suit.
Prof Gamma: ‘Look it is a slight problem but the rods are still in the nice safe containment vessel. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY IODINE TABLETS”
The Red Top on Monday tried to contact Professor Ray Gamma however it appears that the phone line from his underground bunker in his back garden was not working.
DISASTER STATS
With any breaking disaster story the TV Channels and newspapers are full of stats about how bad the disaster was. We at the Red Top bring you the latest Stats presented by the BBC Cricket Test Match Special Team.
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| The Team with the Stats. |
Geoff Boycott: “Well Aggers I wouldn’t put too much stall in that. I mean it depends where the earthquake occurs. A smaller one in a less developed nation causes much more damage. It’s all about the skill level of the opposition you score your runs against Aggers.
Jonathan Agnew: “ Err yes Geoffrey. Anyway it was the 14th Biggest Tsunami knocking the one of the coast of Chile in 1834 down a place. Your thoughts Geoffrey?”
Geoff Boycott: “They won’t be happy in Chile about that will they? But records are made to be broken. In fact I have just heard the Nuclear accident in Japan has been upgraded from a 4 to a 5. So they are catching up the UK's on Nuclear accident record set at Windscale in 1957.
Jonathan Agnew: “Blowers it’s going to maybe be a trillion dollar insurance bill. It could go to the top of the list for the largest insurance bill ever.
Blowers: It reminds me of that large insurance claim for hurricane Katrina, the largest claim made on a Friday at Lloyd’s, just before tea. Oh look a lovely Red Bus has just gone by.
Jonathan Agnew:” And Geoffrey an earthquake, Tsunami and Nuclear disaster all in one go, quite a Test for the Media?
Geoff Boycott: “Well Aggers as I watched the 2nd nuclear reactor containment building explode repeatedly on the Sky News, “News Wall”, juxtaposition with a little Japanese kiddie being given the once over by a Geiger counter while they listed the top 5 nuclear accidents. I thought this is what disaster reporting is all about.
Jonathan Agnew: ”Well that’s all from Disaster Stats Special we are going to tuck into a nice chocolate cake sent into us by Mrs Jones from Surrey.”
In recent weeks the Red Top News has come to the conclusion that the best way to deal with the difficult economic, political and community problems facing this nation is not insightful debate but to SEND IN THE SAS to sort things out.
Disruptive kids in school: Employ more social workers to sit down and find out their problems?
NO SEND IN THE SAS. Take them up on the Welsh mountains and interrogate them. They won’t be disruptive again.
Public Sector workers complaining about their Pensions: Lots of negotiations between Unions and the Local Government minister?
NO SEND IN THE SAS. Put the union officials in a meeting room and get the SAS to fire live ammunition around the ears until they capitulate.
Banker Bonuses: Negotiate a new bonus Tax.
NO SEND IN THE SAS to seizure their assets… actually not a good idea as they are protected by ex-SAS security guards.
A Red Top Newspaper that needs to fill it pages: Employ more journalists to write for them?
NO SEND IN THE SAS to some country so we can print BIG Maps on the front page and have 6 pages of pictures of weapons systems with stats no one understands.
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| Really it flies at 160mph! Just get the round in. |
Tail Rotor Diameter 11ft
Overall Length With Rotors Turning 64ft 9in
Maximum Height to Top Turning Tail Rotor 16ft 9in
Empty Weight11, 780lb
Mission Gross Weight 16,864lb
Maximum Gross Weight 22,000lb
A rebel force is trying to overthrow a dictator but they need help. SEND IN THE SAS AT NIGHT IN THE HELICOPTER FLYING JUST 20M OFF THE GROUND…err no wait probably best to maybe send a diplomat by car or maybe just phone them!
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MIDDLE EAST
DICTATOR AND A MIDDLE EAST MONACH.
DICTATOR: Absolute power
MONACH: Absolute power
DICTATOR: No freedom of speech
MONACH: No freedom of speech
DICTATOR: Secret Police
MONACH: Secret Police
DICTATOR: Rubber Stamp Parliament
MONACH: Rubber Stamp Parliament
DICTATOR: Came to power in a Military Coup.
MONACH: Anointed by GOD, to rule over their subjects just like the Royal families of Europe. God bless you your highness.
DICTATOR: Need to be overthrown by their freedom loving people.
MONACH: Needs our full support, bloody good chaps send their children to Eton you know.
DICTATOR: Uses foreign mercenaries to remain in powers.
MONACH: Invites in Foreign troops in to keep them in power. Don't worry the officers were trained at Sandhurst.
DICTATOR: No Royal Wedding invite
MONACH: Royal Wedding invite. It would just totally ruin the seating plan if they didn’t come.
If you can spot the difference please contact the EU, NATO, UN etc etc.
