The Red Top News Jan 2011

COLONEL MUSTARD SUING THE PRESS

OVER COVERAGE IN CLUEDO MURDER CASE

Today Colonel Mustard who was the prime suspect in the ‘Cluedo’ murder case has said he is ready to sue the Newspapers over the coverage of the case. With headlines such as; “Mad Mustard must be Murderer “and “Monster Mustard Murderer” in the Red Tops and in the Daily Mail ‘Mustard Mansion (7 bedrooms) Murderer’. The case that has gripped the nation at Christmas, in households up and down the country people have tried to work out ‘Whodunit’ in the mansion. However the Attorney General himself has been worried about the coverage of the Cluedo case and how any court case could be prejudiced by it.

In a statement Colonel Mustard said; “I think it’s been appalling the coverage I have received in one paper they tried to say I was a cross dressing freak and that they had pictures of me in a skirt. What they actually had was pictures of me in a kilt as I was Colonel of the 51st Highland-Lowland Regiment during the war in Malaya.

Another insinuated that I liked hanging around young boys, failing to mention I run the Army Cadets in the local area. It’s a terrible time, the police now fully except that I was in the Library with a lead pipe because I was doing restoration work on my house, its a grade one listed building you know. Of course the irony of it all is I personally executed 30 insurgents in the Malaya war but no one said a thing about that.










Red Tops admit Cross dressing claim picture error!

  The Red Top News Chief editor commented about the case saying; ‘We fully accept that our headline ‘Leering Lead Wielding Library Loon’ may have influenced people but at least we didn’t go for the Mustard angle in the headline. We fully accept the innocence of Colonel Mustard and will print a full apology on page err 65 just under the dog racing results. And we will pay out £100,000 in compensation which is a small part of the £3,000,000 we made in extra sales.“


The Chief Editor also commented about where their coverage goes from here, he said; ‘In tomorrow’s edition read all about Miss Scarlet the Slut Slasher of the Study”





N.IRELAND FISRT DEPUTY MINISTER TO DEAL WITH LEADERS OF N.IRELAND WATER COMPANY

The First Deputy of N Ireland has said he was appalled with the way the N.Ireland Water Company dealt with the leaks caused by the bad weather. He said, “the delay in restoring water supplies was unacceptable’. Asked if heads would role in the water company he replied; “No heads will not roll, we will take them south of the border and make them dig their own grave before shooting them.”
He was then asked how they would improve the service, he replied; “What we need are small organized cells, of highly motivated people across the country who can deal with ‘local’ problems, and I know just the people to do that job.”

THE LITE IRISH REPUPLICAN ARMY ISSUE AN APOLGY

Today the LIRA issued a public apology for its long war that it conducted in N Ireland. The press release said;

We the High Command of the LIRA issue an apology for our campaign of bombing, shooting and intimidation of the Security services and civilians, which we conducted in an attempt to get a united Ireland. We now realise that we would have won the war in about a year, if we had just spent our time blowing up water pipes and bringing the nation to its knees that way. On the plus side at least our savings are safe and we don’t own worthless property because of our failure to unite Ireland.

More Student and Youth Riots in 2011 predicted as they discover,
‘Life is not like High School Musical!’



Protestors jump over water cannon!



Student organizations and youth movements in the UK have predicted a further year of social unrest as it suddenly becomes apparent to the under 25’s that life isn’t like a Musical, full of dancing and singing.

The leader of the Student protestors, Dawn Reeality, said to the Red Top “It’s been quite a shock for the nation’s youth; from an early age we watch children’s programs which are full of bright colours and singing. Then we are feed countless programs like Glee and High School Musical showing our peers singing, dancing and acting in a never ending songfest, plus all the endless talent shows giving us the impression that’s the career path we should follow.


Then to discover all we have to look forward to is either unemployment or working as an intern earning below minimum wage, has come as a massive wake up call. Also the fact that we will probably only get on the housing ladder 2 years before we retire, means we are taking to the streets.

Metropolitan Police respond to Riot Threat



New Police Riot Squad revealed

 The Red Top asked the head of the Metropolitan Police how he was going to deal with the increase risk of social unrest, when they police policy of kettling has come under criticism.

He said, “Well if the protests turn to riots we are going to deploy loudspeakers and play sounds from the Hit TV series Glee and then also deploy our new riot squad the dance troupe known as Diversity.

 Testing has shown that when faced with this, the youth can’t help themselves and around half will stop rioting and start dancing and singing, while the other half will go quiet and huddle in a corner reading a book or staring at their feet wishing they were playing ‘World of Warcraft’, result riot over.”

Our correspondent jokingly commented to the head of the Metropolitan Police ‘I guess the Kaiser Chiefs song, ‘I predict a riot’ won’t be on the track list’. At which point he was arrested under the anti terrorism act as it appears the Kaiser Chiefs are a proscribed group.



Three Million Monopoly board games bought at Christmas are faulty.

Mr Ben the head of the Retail consortium has reported that stores up and down the country have reported people brining back the Monopoly board game to them claiming that they are faulty.

Mr Ben went on to explain; “We think well over three million Monopoly board games have been returned, with customers all claiming the same fault, no matter how many times they play it the banker always wins, so it’s no longer fun to play. However it’s seems the manufacturer says that is correct, the banker always wins so accept it.”