Red Top News 10

New claims of bullying by Gordon Brown made by Mrs U.K. Economy.

With allegations of the Prime Minister Gordon Brown bullying Downing Street staff continuing. The Red Top has received similar complaints from a Mrs U.K. Economy, of bullying by Gordon Brown while he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. Mrs Economy told us that while Mr Brown was her boss, he would shout and scream at her to be prudent with her money. However he would then change his mind a few days later and tell her to ‘Buy herself something nice’ with a credit card. He would then throw a tantrum at her a few weeks later when the credit card bill came in. Mrs Economy said that the strain of the mood swings of Gordon Brown became too great for her. She said ‘In the end I fell into a fit of depression. They say it was just a recession but trust me it’s a depression.”

Gordon Brown was giving a speech at a conference. At which the Red Top tried to get a response about the allegations. After our journalist put the complaint to him he replied by shouting. “I will tell you this boy! Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin the need to smash your wee face in. Tell yae wan thing - see all this shoutin? It does not half give yae a helluva thirst.”
Mr Brown then left the conference centre holding a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine.

Entertainment news

Lady Gaga’s mum finally gives up saying.
“Your not going out dressed like that”

It was reported from New York that the mother of Pop Star Lady Gaga has finally given up trying to stop her daughter wearing outlandish clothes when going out.
Lady Gaga mother said “It was a constant battle, each time she was about to go out, I would tell her that no daughter of mine was going out dressed like that. She just saw it has a challenge and wore more revealing more outlandish clothes. So now I have finally caved in and said "I don’t care what she wears.”

It has been reported that Lady Gaga is happy that she has won this latest mother daughter tussle. She is now reported to be giving up music altogether and become and account. She was last seen wearing a pinstriped suit.

WINTER OLYMPICS NEWS

Great Britain wins Gold in Down Hill Tea Tray Sledging.

Great Britain was cheering as we won our first solo gold at a winter Olympics in 30 years. Amy Williams won gold in the down hill Tea Tray sledging competition, beating off stiff competition from the Germans. However there was an official complaint by the Canadians about the unfair advantage that Great Britain had.

A spokesmen for the Canadian team said “Great Britain is the biggest tea drinking nation in the world, which means at a very early age children are handling tea trays. We believe this is an unfair advantage and they should be banned from this event’ Amy can now look forward to being the official face of PG Tips.


Noel Edmonds to host new Saturday night show called.
You’ve been Mossad !

Noel Edmonds is to be the host of a new Saturday night TV program, where members of the public write in wanting local trouble makers in their area taken out. Noel will setup the hit with Mossad agents, with it all caught on hidden cameras.

Noel will start each show with a heart rending tell of how the ‘target’ has caused misery to local people, and then we will see the hit. Then Noel will interview the local populace afterwards live. There will also be a quiz show element as well. As each week two of the disguised members of the Mossad team will actually be celebrities. The TV audience will be invited to call in and ‘Guess the Hit team’, with cash prizes available.

Politics.

Tory’s say ‘Will will decimal point our way out of recession’

The Tory party has revealed how it going to sort out the UK economy in a speech by George Osborne. Mr Osborne said that after they had made gaffs by saying 50% of teenage girls became pregnant when it was actually 5% after a missed placed decimal point in a report. They had then come up with the idea of changing decimal points in all reports. So for example Unemployment would be reduced from 2500000 to 25000.00
Growth would rise from 0.1% to 10% etc.

Mr Osborne said ‘What might have looked like incompetence when dealing with figures, will actually be our strength. People with long memories will remember how good we were with manipulating unemployment figures in the 80’s and 90’s. This is not about real statistics, but aspirational ones.

Defence News
 
US Joint Chiefs of Staff do not want Homosexuals in the forces because of the fear of the enemy using Gaydar.

Yesterday in Washington DC the US Joint Chiefs of Staff attended a Congressional hearing. They put their case that they did not wish for homosexuals to be open about their sexuality in the armed forces. Due to a fear that the enemy would use Gaydar to detect them while on operations.

The head of the Air force said ‘Senators we have the latest Stealth Fighter the F-22 Raptor which cost $142M each. It is undetected able by any of our enemies’ radar systems. However we strongly believe that if the pilot is homosexual, than he will  light up like a Christmas tree on our enemies Gaydar systems. We believe the, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ system is the only effective stealth technology against the Gaydar systems at the moment.

Afterwards the Red Top Defence correspondent asked the head of the US Airforce.
‘Do you actually know what Gaydar means?” To which he responded. ‘No one really knows the capabilities of these systems; however we have our best people working on ways to counter them.

Red Top 2010B

Toyota Recalls British Economy due to accelerator problem


Last night Toyota issued a recall for the British economy. As the owners reported that there was a problem with the acceleration. A Toyota spokesman said. “People have reported that with interest rates at a record low of 0.5% and billion of pounds pumped into the economy, the accelerator pedal is pushed right to the floor. However the economy is barely moving forward. We are not sure what the problem is, however we will do full checks on the economy.”

The Red Top decided to take the British economy to a local ‘mechanic’ a Mr Bill Anders. He took a look at the economy and told us.

“Well the problem is this mate. The economy was filled with Un-sustainable debt rather than sustainable debt. This un-sustainable debt seemed to make the engine of the economy run really well. You were getting tops speeds 20% higher than you should expect and a good extra 20 miles per gallon. But you see it was a false economy. What this unsustainable debt did, was eventually screw up the engine.

The Bank of England put a lot of debt into the economy as well to try and fix it. But they are worried it may affect the braking system!I hear that Toyota is being called in as the Japanese economy has a similar problem.Personally I would strip out the engine and try and use a German economic engine model instead.”

Definition of Hung parliament disappoints the British public.

With the news that the next Parliament, could be a hung parliament. The British people rejoiced, until it was explained to them what a hung parliament really meant.

Mr Andrew Jones a member of the public carrying a piece of rope, was interviewed by The Red Top outside parliament. He said "Frankly I am disappointed. I thought we had the opportunity to string up the whole rotten lot of them. But now it turns out it just means no Party has an overall majority. It seems that could mean even more squabbling in that situation, and then maybe another election.”

At that point Mr Jones stared at his rope and walked over to the nearest tree in Parliament square to top himself.

Jordon Marries Herself!!

In not very shocking news, Jordon divorces her latest husband. However in Shock news she then marries herself. Jordon with her new husband Katie Price, were married in a large Country Mansion. The Bride stood by a 6ft Mirror to take her vows.

‘We are so happy together’ said Jordon. ‘We are so different in character, but it proves opposites do attract.I feel I have finally found the right person and we can have a very profitable life together.

Chinese Government makes announcement.

“People of the West. Do you remember the Opium wars ? WE DO!!!

Today the head of China’s bank made a speech to assembled western journalists. It was the usual announcement of growth figures, inflation etc. However when asked about China’s future plans for economic and political change, the head of the bank said.

“For years you in the west have pondered the fact that we have a Communist government. Yet have an economic system that would make Victorian free market factory owners green with envy. Well we tell you now. Do you remember the Opium wars?! When the western powers tried to enslave us with drugs. You were the original narco states.”

Now fuming he continued.

“Well China is a civilization over five thousands years old. We have long memories. Now we have all your money. We OWN you; we are going to grind you into the dust then sale drugs to your poor people.”

Laughing manically he grabbed a fist full of dollars and waving them into the faces of the reporters shouted. “Come on PUNKS make my day!”

 He was then bundled from the stage by his advisors.

BBC Release Top earners list

Yesterday the BBC announced that it had spent £54M on presenters earning more than £150,000 or more in the last 12 months. However they refused to name the individuals. However the Red Top has discovered some of the people who are on the list.
Top earner is Jess the Cat on £400,000 a year. Which may come as a surprise to postman pat, who is not even on the list. An insider at the BBC said. It’s sounds a lot. But Jess makes a lot of money using his image rights for soft toys. Practically every family has at least one Jess the cat somewhere in the house.

The Redtop also discovered that Bagpuss and Professor Yaffle and others from the Bagpuss TV series are on £150,000 each.

Our BBC insider said. This is one of the dark secrets of the BBC. That kid Emily was a canny negotiator. Even though it was only 13 episodes filmed in the 70’s. The BBC signed them up on life long contracts with guaranteed above inflation pay rises ever year. They have spent the last 30 years in the Caribbean.
We will release other details in future editions.



FIFA to allow Wives and girlfriends (WAGS) of Footballers to transfer their husbands!

Due to a large number of scandals involving footballers, FIFA are to give the WAGS of footballers the ability to transfer their partners out of the relationship. Sepp Blatter said. A WAG normally has to suffer in silence as her husband or partner’s indiscretion is splashed across the papers. We believe she should now have the ability to Transfer her partner to the ‘Other’ women. And receive a massive transfer fee in compensation. With think this with make footballers think before ‘Playing away’.


Mr Blatter also added. Maybe we can introduce such a thing in civil law. So a member of the public can transfer their husband when he commits and indiscretion. Or maybe their husband they really liked 15 years ago has now grown apart from them. They could perhaps do a ‘Husband transfer swap’ with someone else in a similar position.

NATO uses CUNNING PLAN in Afghanistan

NATO commanders planning Operation Moshtarak, the planned assault on the Marjah area of Afghanistan. Have told the Red Top that the part of the plan to tell the Taliban that they were coming. Was an idea from a British Private Baldrick.

The Nato commander said. ‘We were planning a surprise attack, using Special Forces infiltrating enemy lines weeks before the main assault. Then we were going to hit the enemy with air strikes before the Troops moved in to mop up. However as we sitting around the planning table, a Private Baldrick came in with tea and biscuits.

And on hearing what we were saying he asked to speak. He said that we have being using the surprise attack plan for the last 6 years. Perhaps we should use a cunning plan of telling them when we were coming. This he believed would so confuse the Taliban we would defeat them. Well we thought we have been using the same plan for 6 years. We might as well give it a go.”

The Red Top tried to get in touch with Private Baldrick’s commanding office. A Captain Blackadder, to ask him how he felt about one of his men coming up with such a cunning plan. However it seems Captain Blackadder has been hospitalised after being found in a field with his head painted red shouting ‘I’M A POPPY, I’M A POPPY. GET ME OUT OF HERE”

The Red Top News 2010A

ECONOMIC GROWTH OF 0.1% NATION REJOICES

Today it was announced that the British economy grew by 0.1%. This news lead to immediate rejoicing up and down the length and breadth of Britain. Street parties were held, office workers ran into the streets and into the pubs. Bankers were hugged again. And they immediately decided to increase their bonuses.


Prayers were said at Canterbury cathedral in thanks to the salvation of the UK economy.
Estate agents were seen dancing down the streets singing ‘Happy days are here again’
Shop keepers announced that their tills were ringing again. And online retailers announced record orders per minute after the news was announced.

Champagne was pumped through the Trafalgar square fountains.

Later in the day the Queen came and stood on the balcony of Buckingham palace to wave at the vast crowds that had gathered in the Mall to celebrate.
Gordon Brown with a smile on his face announced. ‘The good times are back.”


Did 4 year old child cause economic growth?

Some Economists or Gloom and doom merchants as we in the Red Top call them. Think the GDP increase of 0.1% may have actually been the result not of increased business activity.

But by a 4 year old who managed to get onto his parents PC and ordered 20,000 Lego sets off the Argos website.
Although the situation was quickly resolved the purchase found it’s way into the nation’s GDP figures.
The mum of the boy a Mrs Jane Green said “Who would have thought it, my Kevin responsible for growth of the UK economy. I am so proud of him.”

HAITI DISASTER IS A DISASTER FOR C LIST CELEBRATIES.


The disaster in Haiti has had a devastating impacting on C list celebrities careers. Many hoped to resurrect their careers as actors, singers or musicians, by getting involved in various charity events.


However the intervention of A list celebrities have brought these dreams crashing down on them.

One C list celeb interviewed by the Red Top Said.

“It’s an awful tragedy. I was ready to sing on the latest charity record, maybe get in the front row of the chorus. Then all the A list celebs turn up and take all the opportunities away. I mean in music Bono and the Edge turn up. Then Cold Play came in.
So I thought maybe some TV work. But then George Clooney and all his Hollywood mates turn up. As far as I am concerned that is the real disaster in all this. It looks like I will now have to dress as a 6 ft chicken and do a charity run just to get my face in the Local paper.

 Alternatively you can donate directly to Haiti disaster fund and cut out ALL the middle men. www.redcross.org.uk/

WHO CAN TAKE OVER AND DESTROY BRITISH BUSINESS ?  THE CANDY MAN CAN.

With the takeover of Cadbury’s by Krafty American Corp. Fears of job losses are high. However the Red Top Economic team has discovered even more grave news about the British brand.

First Cadbury World is to have it’s name changed to Candy Land. Tourists will be shown round by a new Corporate Mascot. Mr Squeezey Cheesy.

People will be able to see where Chocolate USE to be made and admire the packing plant where chocolate is imported from outsourced manufactures and are packed in the UK. So they can stick a Union Jack on the packaging.
The Demonstration area which once showed how chocolate was made. Will be replaced by a demonstration by Bankers, lawyers and Hedge fund managers. On how to maximize consultancy fees when organizing a hostile takeover.

The Red Top interviewed the Chairman of Cadbury’s and asked him about the take over deal, how it came about and it’s consequences.

“Well let me make it clear, this deal was no picnic to setup. Cadbury’s is a dream buy for any company. There was a wispa in the markets that we were a takeover target. With companies chomping at the bit to buy us. This of course gave our share price a massive boost. However the price was still not what I thought was acceptable. They tried to fudge the issues, with lots of twirling and twisting. However in the end they accepted that we were a star bar none in the confectionary market. After they called a timeout in the negotiations, they finally came back and despite the credit crunchie the deal went through with a great deal for our shareholders.”

Northern Ireland Devolution Crisis talks.

Parties are arguing over Jaffa cakes or Viscount biscuits for meetings.

The political parties in Northern Ireland are in talks to try and stop the collapse of the devolved government .The main sticking point between the Protestant Unionists and the Catholic Sinn Fein is what snack to server with coffee in government meetings.

The Unionists want to serve Jaffa cakes, because of the smashing orangey order bit in the middle. However Jerry Adams president of Sinn Fein has said that he believes this to be protestants trying to impose their culture on all of N Ireland. They have suggested a Viscount biscuit as it is mint green representing Ireland.


Gordon Brown would not be drawn on which biscuit he wanted for N Ireland


Football results

Man Utd -£700M v Portsmouth -£100M


Arsenal –£20M v Spurs -£60M

Man City +Gallons of OIL v Liverpool -£400M

West Ham -£ Iceland’s debt v Wolves -£10M

Chelsea +£Russia’s Aluminium industry v Burnley +£ Fred’s meat pie factory

Everton -£10M +Possible Tesco’s super store. v  Hull—£30M

Birmingham +Chinese clothing factory v Villa +£30M


Business news:


Mega Conglomerate Corp buys the City of Birmingham.

In shock news, Mega Conglomerate Corp (MCC) has stunned the financial world by buying the whole city of Birmingham. The chairman of MCC said. “We saw other business buying small bits of Birmingham's industry. With a favourable exchange rate and banks falling over themselves to lend money again. I thought well what can I buy. After looking at it I thought. We ARE MEGA CONGLOMERATE. Lets buy the whole damn city.


So we have. I can’t thank enough all those British banks and the Government for helping with the sale out of the city.”

The Red Top business team has discovered that MCC will actually ship the entire city brick by brick to Poland. As Labour costs are cheaper and it will be a more central location for their European operations

 

Birmingham is to be moved to North West Poland. And will become a costal town. Ironically with the news Cadburys production could now be back in Birmingham. The City could be renamed as Brummiski

Red Top Blitzzard Special

THE RED TOP NEWS

BLITZZARD BRITAIN. IS IT THE END OF CIVILIZATION ?

BATTLE OF BRITAIN’S BLIZZARDS SPECIAL

Britain is under sustained attack from blizzards coming from Europe. Causing travel chaos, power cuts, food shortages, schools closing and reports of cannibalism in Hampshire.

Is this the end of civilizations as we know it? Will House prices fall because of this winter weather? We asked Professor D Ice

This is how London will look if snow does not stop.Says Expert Prof D Ice

Professor D. Ice said “Yes with continual snow fall and icy weather, within weeks the entire fabric of civilization will break down.

As people can’t get to the sales, pubs or go clubbing. They will suffer nervous breakdowns as

they play another board game with their families while stuck indoors. It’s all in my new book “Scary theory. Movie deal possible.”

YOUR RED TOP ‘BLITZZARD TEAM’

Samantha Smith. Will be standing in a random street, freezing cold. To bring us the stories about people playing in snow . While she is dodging snow balls throw by children. She will be asking the public very dull obvious questions about the snow and receiving very dull obvious answers.

Brian George. Will be standing on a motorway bridge, freezing cold. To bring us the latest travel news. Even though he would be more useful reporting from the office. Expect lots of exciting shots of cars moving fairly slowly on the motorway. If we are lucky we might get picture of a jack knifed lorry.

John Snow. Will be standing at a salt mine, freezing cold. While trying to dodge huge lorries. To bring us the exciting story of lorries arriving empty, filling up with salt and then driving off. However there is the bonus of making jokes about his surname

 

 

   

Mary Jones. Will be sitting on a beach in the Bahamas. To bring us the story. ‘How does the Bahamas cope with snow’ story.
She was meant to be in Poland but the flights to Warsaw were cancelled.
Sadly because of closed UK airports Mary is stuck in the Bahamas for some time.


 
 

 
 BRITAIN BLITZED BY BLIZZARDS FROM EUROPE.


"WE CAN TAKE IT. WITH A PINCH OF SALT"
 SAYS PUBLIC

Gordon Brown addressed the nation during it’s darkest hour. He said.

Gordon Brown addressed the nation during it’s darkest hour. He said.

“The battle of flooding has ended. The battle of Britain's blizzards has begun.

Even though large Tracts of Europe have fallen into the icy grip of Siberian snow, we shall not flag or fail.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in wellies



We shall fight on the snow and ice

We shall grit with growing confidence and growing strength on the roads, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,

We shall take sand from the beaches

We shall shovel on the school grounds

We shall salt on the motorways and in the streets,

We shall sledge in the hills

We will NEVER surrender.”

After these stirring words from the PM. He announced the cancellation of his tour of the UK because of the weather conditions. David Cameron promised the right kind of snow if elected.

GOVERNMENT PUBLIC INFORMATION

DO’s and DONT’S IN THE SNOW

DO: Wear Warm clothes when going out.

DON’T: Go out in beach wear carrying a bucket and spade to make snow castles.

DO: Carry a spade, food and a hot drink when driving your car.

DON’T: Drive a convertible with the roof down, while singing ‘Club Tropicana’

DO: Make snow persons, it’s FUN

DON’T: Place carrots in inappropriate places on a snow person. This could lead to you being put on the sex offenders register. Under the Knee Jerk protect the kids from Pedo’s act 2009.

DO: Use Cat Litter on paths if no salt is available

DON’T: Use used cat litter. Or use CATS to brush snow off paths.

DO: Stock up on a few essential items such as milk. Bread and medical items.
DON’T: Run into your local supermarket, waving an axe. Screaming ‘We are all GOING TO DIE.” Then run out pushing a trolley full of powdered milk and one can of peaches.


Head of Business group says. “Snow is for kids. GET BACK TO WORK!”

The head of Business group. ‘Business against non profit activity’. Mr A Killjoy said.


“It’s a disgrace people not getting into work. They should realise their ONLY responsibility is to their employer. And if they injury themselves or die while getting into work. Then it’s a price worth paying for the sake of the nations growth figures and my share holders.”

Asked if he himself had problems getting in he replied.
“No problems at all. As I am actually on a Directors, team bonding golf week in Florida.
However if I was in the UK my chauffer would make all efforts necessary to get me to the office.”

THE RED TOP FREEZY FACTS

1) Parts of Britain were said to be Colder than the South Pole. Until the BBC researcher realised they had mixed up Fahrenheit and Celsius.


2) Coldest place in Britain was in fact 25 Hill road in York. Where the atmosphere was –50 Celsius. As Sharon and her boyfriend Brian were no longer talking to each other. Having just about managed to survive Christmas and New year together. The enforced extended time together caused by the snow, made the atmosphere some what frosty.

3) 15% of school children showed their parents fake ‘Schools closed’ websites set up by their friends.

4) 90% of 4x4 car owners kept their cars in the garage. As the possible reduction of resale value caused by salt, out weighed helping to get food and medicines to vulnerable people.

5) After viewing more than 30 pictures of snow. People will start to loose the will to live.



The Red Top COMMEMORATIVE ‘BLITZZARD BRITAIN GIFTS SET’
A lasting reminder of how you survived the mini ice age. Which you can show your Grandchildren. 

The iconic symbol of Blitzzard Britain.


Who can’t forget the sleek lines of the Mark IV Gritter Lorry and the roar of the Merlin Sand scatter device at the back.

The machine that kept Britain FREE. And moving along major transport routes.

 
 
The Mark IV Gritter Lorry Poster £14.50
 

‘The Few’ Poster or Mug £13.99 or £5.99


Commemorating the brave Weather people. Know as ‘ The Few’ We watched day and night, as the small band of hero's flew virtually over the UK weather map. To warn us of the incoming danger.

Hero CATS Poster, mug, pillow case and Statue set. £26.50

Some times called the forgotten heroes. Cats endured weeks unable to go to the toilet. As the ground was to hard to dig. And all their litter trays were empty as people piled cat litter on the roads and pavements.

"phillip_sanderson@yahoo.co.uk"

The Red Top News Issue 4

Inside the Red Top News

Mumsnet debate about working mums and stay at home mums. Causes civil war to break out in the UK

President Obama announces new US Government Economic team.Big Bird, Oscar and Count Von Count from Sesame Street Consultants

Berliners and Eastern Europe Celebrate 20th Anniversary of‘Out of the Frying pan and into the fire’

MOTHER-EARTH REFUSES TO ATTEND CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE IN COPENHAGAN

The Red Top News Issue 3

In The Red Top News

The Red Top says ***K off Brown
Moscow State circus Clown beaten to death in tragic translation error.
MOD admit that basing their Afghan strategy on Carry on Up the Khyber film, may have been wrong.
OBAMA IS THE MESSIAH SAYS WORLD RELGIOUS LEADERS